This Guy’s Baseball IQ Is A Thousand He’s Such An Eugenius

Getting back into the baseball season after the break is like you’re starting to fall behind people in roller derby and some giant lady slingshots you back into the race — swoosh! Brienne of Tarth has boomerang’d your 5′ 7″ and three-quarters of an inch, macho, lady-frame into first place in that roller derby and you’re ready for the 2nd half. Of course, you’re actually only being slung shot into fifth place and you’ve lost your 3rd baseman in the opening weekend after the break, three of your starters get absolutely wrecked by their opponents and the exhilaration of the slinging shot only lasted until Friday when the games started again, but it’s just nice to have baseball back so let’s get this! One giant lady slinging all those shots is Eugenio Suarez (2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 34th and 35th homer). Can’t even say Suarez is stepping it up now because he wants off the DBags. He’s been doing this all the way back to last All-Star Break. Since then, he has 55 homers! Only Judge (60) and Ohtani (59) have more! But, guess what? Eugenio Suarez has more homers since this All-Star Break, four and counting! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Ryne Nelson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.52. Wish I could say his underlying stats were more than meh but they are so meh that Meh’s calling on the other line asking if I saw its son, Ryne.

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. He’s gonna get traded to the Yankees and have one of the worst August/Septembers anyone’s ever seen.

Sonny Gray – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.04. He is so hilariously awful for three innings every 50 innings. If you can zag those zigs, you’re floating like a butterfly. If you don’t? You’re punch drunk like Mitch Green at Daffy Dan’s.

Gavin Williams – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Inscrutable because he’s a tweak away from being excellent. Will this be the start of a run where Gavin will finally figure out his command (5 BB/9)? Could be, but it’s hard to say if the tweak he did on Sunday sticks. Apes are a 2% DNA tweak from being humans but you don’t go to the zoo, see an ape and think, “I can fix her.”

Angel Martinez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting leadoff. Lost Thairo Estrada in a few leagues (don’t ask), and I looked at waivers to find the best middle infielder available. Ring the bell because I’m giving this Angel his wings.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.62. Streamonator hates his next one, and Wacha is not matchups-proof so Wacha Wacha Wacha, Fozzie, and be careful.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, hitting over .350 in July with six homers, and his struggles of April and May seem firmly in the rearview mirror. It’s nice to see him do well again. Sorry, trying not to get Sal P.

Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Never considered him for my top 100 for the 2nd half, and he has been excellent. So, I’m either an idiot (possible), but no one badgered me about Bubic’s absence, so I think Bubic is wildly underrated.

Janson Junk – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.25. Welp, Junk, you are.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.80. He had a perfect game about six innings in and all I could think was, “Ugh, this sucks, because now I’m never going to want to drop him,” and I still have him. Stupid Streamboat! In fairness to me (I’m not thinking straight because of how good he looked), his peripherals are solid, and, if he had a different name with his peripherals, you’d want him too.

George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .279. Nomnomnomnom, that’s the Zombino on the pitcher’s brain custard.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs hit his 13th homer, hitting .278. On the Player Rater, the difference between Cake Batter and Springer is the same as the difference between Cake Batter and roughly the next guy…

Addison Barger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .272. He’s the Impossible Jake Burger and a more meaty meatburger.

Robbie Ray – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.92. My pants a little looser today.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. He had two hits since 7/8. Nein!

Francisco Alvarez – Was recalled by the Mets have “doing a clobberin'” in the minors. I’m not rushing to grab him, but I guess if you’re desperate, there’s worse catcher flyers for power.

Clay Holmes – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.48. He blew the start on David Wright’s Day, like he was that Somalian in Captain Phillips. Much like with Anna Nicole Smith, the magic of Hefner seems to be wearing off with Holmes, and his underlying stats look streamy.

David Peterson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.90. A Man Da. Peterson got me feeling very chic, not geek!

Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Don’t even want to mention how bad the 2nd half regression is going to be with the butt-sores I have from Ranger Suarez and Gore.

Alec Bohm – Hit the IL with a fractured rib. Time to rub on Alec’s balm. This could be good news for Otto Kemp (2-for-4, 2nd homer) in NL-Only, or deeper mixed leagues, you’ve been notified!

Jose Soriano – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83. If you streamed him, he would’ve went 3 IP, 5 ER, so there’s that.

Ranger Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.66. On Sunday, I had Suarez, MacKenzie Gore, and Robbie Ray all going on my Tout Wars team that I was saying last week had a sub-3 ERA. Guess what? It doesn’t anymore! Regression, I hate you.

David Robertson – Signed with the Phils. Okay, he’ll be their random October closer, but who’s their random August and September closers?

Zebby Matthews – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.26 as he was activated from the IL. I don’t understand Zebby’s allure. Though, Zebby’s Allure sounds like a followup to Portnoy’s Complaint that Roth’s publisher rightfully stopped. Zebby could be solid, but he has a 6+ ERA. “Could be solid” and “being solid” need to be better aligned for redraft leagues.

Royce Lewis – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer. See that! Royce just needs a trade to the Rockies so he can start in Coors. But then he’ll be benched randomly for Kyle Farmer. Maybe this is the start of a hot schmotato streak for Royce, but to say he’s been awful this year is an insult to “awful.”

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, then was pulled in a game where the Twins were easily beating MLB’s worse Rockies. And you wonder why I hate Baldelli.

Joe Ryan – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Joe Ryan beat the Rockies, but Joe Mama could.

Harrison Bader – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. As I said in Royce’s blurb above, it’s very hard to get excited about any visitor hitting in Coors as they move out of there, for Bader or worse.

Emmet Sheehan – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.41. Second verse same as the Zebby verse: “Could be solid” and “being solid” need to be better aligned for redraft leagues.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-5, 1 run, hitting .240. No one is struggling quite like Mookie, so naturally Dave Roberts hit him leadoff, and he made the last out with Ohtani on-deck.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 34th homer. This guy might be all right.

Freddie Freeman – Hit on the wrist and immediately walked off the field on his sixty-percent-healthy ankle. Dodgers announced he’s fine. His wrist, at least, no further word on the ankle.

Will Warren – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.91. He’s so good for three innings, then awful for an inning. Like a microcosm Sonny Gray, call him Snowglobe Gray.

Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.12. With the All-Star Game in Atlanta, MLB actually asked Raisel to leave while the All-Stars were in town because “he was stinking up the joint.”

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .326. Tildaddy next year is going to be behind a few guys in drafts like the Big Two, Elly and Tucker, and he’s going to make so many drafters with the 5th or 6th pick happy.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .262. No one walks over Matt!

Grant Holmes – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Streamonator hates his next one, but I could see the stream. Then again, I’m getting desperate in some of my leagues, and I see Holmes’s 4+ BB/9, and I’m like, “Meh, how bad could it be?”

Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 36th homer, hitting .352. Yeah, but hitting in front of him was Dominguez going 0-for-5, so you failed us Judge!

Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.64. In the Yanks’ rotation, Stroman’s going to become Deadline Trade Acquisition: (Insert a pitcher who is just barely better than Stroman who will get killed in Yankee Stadium, think someone like Dean Kremer or Merrill Kelly.)

MacKenzie Gore – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.59. Regression Fairies Gore’d me bad.

Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Went to his player page to refresh my memory about how many solid years Pivetta’s had in his career. In nine years, there must be two, three years of solid–Holy crap, he’s never had an ERA under 4 before. Almost a decade of a 4.60 ERA. Incredible.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. The good news is the Padres only have him under contract until 2033. Bad news is the Earth isn’t making it to 2030.

Isaac Paredes – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. Looked like a month-long injury, but I’m merely a person who fell asleep watching Dr. Pimple Popper.

Hunter Brown – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.57. Sigh. That’s now 13 ER in his last 15 IP, and three starts. Call him Peter and put him on a disconnecting CB, because he’s Peter’ing out.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Please get hot for once in your stupid life.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91. What’s between a Boo and a Woo? Moo.

Andrew Heaney – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.03. This guy loves Pittsburgh more than Mr. Rogers. Don’t worry, Heaney, no one in their right mind is trading for you.

Miguel Vargas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Looked pretty hard at him for a schmotato, and I didn’t really see it, but it’s hard to find hot bats with only three games played this week, so, yeah, I don’t know.

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Streamonator hates his next one, and I can’t say I have any real faith in him, but he does have four of five solid starts, and he had a 3.30 ERA in June and 2.72 ERA in May. Really was only a mess way back in April.

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.74. He’s been unhittable all year. Told you to pick him up weeks ago.

Grayson Rodriguez – Has renewed soreness in his elbow. This is my least favorite update. He had this garbage in the spring! He’s wasted months of time when he could’ve had surgery and already been rehabbing. It sucks; no one wants surgery, but c’mon. Do baby time on your own time and be an adult and have the surgery!

Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .282. Also, in this game, Jackson Holliday (1-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 13th homer. Funny how perception and upside works. O’Hearn and Holliday are a rounding error away from each other in value and I couldn’t be more excited for Holliday and care less about O’Hearn.

Tarik Skubal – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Just another day at the park, which is what I say about Jacob Latz (5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.89) who matched him! Draft a starter in the 1st round or pick up Latz, same diff! I’m hundred percent joking, please don’t spit vitriol at me.

Nathan Eovaldi – Didn’t start on Sunday with back issues of Men’s Health about back issues, coincidentally.

Kumar Rocker – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.66. This feels like a human version of a mouse coming upon a scrumptious, little piece of Swiss cheese sitting on top of a…what is this? A little wooden bench with a metal doohickey–SNAP!

Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Wilyer look at that!

Cade Horton –  5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.04. He has some of the worst peripherals I’ve seen outside of Logan Allen. Call them both Allenton. Well, we’re living here starting Allenton, and they’re closing but the Pressly’s down. 

Shota Imanaga – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Ya know what the Cubs are feeling like this year? The 2023 Rangers or Braves, and they’re all going to regress so incredibly awful next year. Shoot, the Braves and Rangers are still regressing they were so lucky that year. Ian Happ’s gonna be the only good hitter on next year’s Cubs, and PCA is gonna have a four-homer season with a .120 average and Seiya’s gonna not make it out of March. Where can I bet on this?