It’s Hard To Get More San Juan Hit When They Pour Tarik In Your Drink

Once a generation a pitcher comes along that is extraordinary. Extra plus ordinary. It’s not often we get to witness it with our own eyes. Previous generations, some of those pitchers were Max Scherzer, Pedro Martinez, Roger Clemens, Nolan Ryan, then before I was born, so I don’t know. Too old for me! I’m a youngster! (Said a person who is not young.) That pitcher right now is Tarik Skubal (7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.15). The superlatives escape when a pitcher is this good. He’s perfect. There’s a butter factory and all they’re producing is Skubal, that’s how butter he is. Please elbow tendons hold together, and, golly, please let his shoulder not come undone. If he can stay healthy for five years, he’ll be one of the greats. If he can stay healthy for ten years, he’ll be a Hall of Famer, that’s how this works. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Casey Mize – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Seemed to be struggling early, but he got it together and made the Streamonator look smart — again! Stupid nerd bot! For what it’s Wuertz, it hates his next one.

Riley Greene – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .296. Don’t get the sense people love Greene as much as they should. Enjoy Coke(‘s former teammate)!

Kerry Carpenter – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer but he left hurting his hammy on a triple. Ya overextended and ya got porked!

Matt Vierling – Activated on Saturday, and didn’t start on Sunday. He’s been out almost the whole year with a rotator cuff issue. Should’ve rotated it more (less?). Don’t know how healthy his shoulder is — they can be tricky, Penn & Teller — but if he is healthy, then I’m interested in deeper leagues for now. Think 15-teamers and deeper, but that could become a shallower league thing. I am a fan. Also, we’re all doomed, this from ChatGPT:

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Tough luck not getting a Win for this, but maybe the universe is making him pay for those pants. Tough to say/bend over.

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. This blurb was sponsored by Cialis. If you “see a lass,” won’t you Cialis.

Adrian Houser – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.90. No Houser took the world by storm like this since Doogie.

Luis Robert Jr. – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. He supposedly strained it screaming, “Trade me!” Damn you, irony.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, but zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.98. He’s gonna get traded to the Mets and become a Cy Young candidate in the 2nd half. Somewhat joking, but I’ll say I wasn’t joking if it comes true.

Brandon Pfaadt – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.38. If you still have him in a 12-team mixed league, you have rocks in your head, but, as the saying goes, a rock clock is right twice a day.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and four homers last week. That’s a lot of shots of Ketel with zero chaser.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.13. This was in 108 pitches. Economical like using candles to light your house and burning it down!

Seth Lugo – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.74. I said last week, “Lugo is matchups-proof.” This week, “Grey, how do you stay looking handsome? Also, should I start Lugo?”

Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25. One day I’m gonna learn the Royals’ pitching coach’s name, and, when I do, I’m gonna give him the praise he deserves.

Will Smith – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .318. Became the 7th Dodgers hitter with 10 or more homers, because MLB gives the Dodgers bouncy balls.

Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Dodgers’ best two-way player.

Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.08. He followed Lou Trivino, and the Dodgers now have two of the better Bulk Guys. Wrobleski has 8.7 K/9, 2.3 BB/9, 3.10 xFIP and a 50.5% ground ball rate. That kinda works. Not sure what the Dodgers will do once they bring back Sheehan, but Wrobleski is worth a monocle.

Chris Bassitt – 2 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.29. One year in a human’s life is seven years in a dog’s life; a Bassitt is a type of dog; this start aged me seven years.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-4, and his 12th homer, hitting .280, 2nd homer in the week. There’s only one Cake Boss and he’s not in Jersey.

Addison Barger – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .260. Barger might be the first time I looked at a guy, saw giant muscles, and was like, “I’m drafting him,” and it marginally worked because it’s a deep league.

Eric Lauer – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.60 vs. Walker Buehler – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.45. This was a matchup of, “One guy was supposed to be good, one guy was supposed to be bad, but really neither are actually any good.”

Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.99. That’s now four straight great starts by Giolito and I know if I say he’s safe, he will go out and have one of the most miserable starts of his career, and, five starts ago, he had a 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER start to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, but I don’t know how you let Giolito stay on waivers with how he’s pitching.

Michael Soroka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Thank you, Streamonator, may I have another?

James Wood – 1-for-2 and his 11th steal, while being walked intentionally four times. First time that’s happened since Bonds. That seems excessive. Someone’s got a hard-on for Wood.

Spencer Schwellenbach – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Member when you were like, “Schwellenbach isn’t an ace. I’m drafting him as my number two after Gerrit Cole…Or maybe Blake Snell…I don’t know, I’m gonna draft someone more truthworthy.” And I was like, “It’s trustworthy, not truthworthy!” And you were like, “No, it’s not.”

Spencer Strider – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86. We’re getting to witness one of the greatest pitchers in MLB try to “figure out his shizz after major surgery” in real time. It’s a testament to how good he is, that he’s nowhere near 100% and doing this.

Ranger Suarez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Phils’ rotation is astounding, and astounding is good. I think, Google stopped working in 2023.

Victor Scott II – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .244, and a caught stealing for the Slam & I Ain’t Got No Legs. Tried to figure out how to move him out of the 9-hole and I couldn’t do it. One love to Oli Marmol, you’re doing the best you can.

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (1), hitting .224, but had three homers last week, and No-Go’s been a schmotato for a minute. Not an Urban Dictionary “minute” which is a long time.

Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.70. He only had 12 walks in 86 1/3 IP prior to this start. [reading the back of the bottle for Liberatore] Side effects, could cause runs.

Logan Allen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. His perfs, as the cool kids say, suck.

Frankie Montas – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.00. Lowered my bid on Montas for FAAB, and the site alert popped up reading, “You can’t make a negative bid.”

Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Last time he homered I said he now had as many homers as stab wounds and I was corrected in the comments. My bad, now he does.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .239, 2nd homer in three games. As his biggest fan, I can criticize him and say I can understand why some smarter people used to dislike him for his boringness.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .210, as he’s dropped to the six hole. Nice to see him hit as well as “someone who should be a DH” hit, i.e., his defense is laughably bad. Wasn’t he a great shortstop? I’ve never seen someone botch so many slow rollers to center.

Lance McCullers Jr. – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.61, as he was activated from the IL, and he’s back on the IL…now? How about now? Now? What about…now?

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Should go through some of the old comments in April with people complaining about Framber. That would be fun for me. A little treat!

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .260. He had the chance to have one of those ironic nicknames like “Legs” or “Stretch,” and no one ever gave it to him. Do I have to do everything?

Jameson Taillon – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.44. He threw 107 pitches in under five innings. HOW?! Seriously, how is that possible? He only had one walk!

Andrew Abbott – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.79. Trying to convince myself that all his regression will come next year when he has something like an 8+ ERA. Do not wake me from this fantasy for, uh, fantasy.

Nick Lodolo – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.52 vs. Stephen Kolek – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Having these guys face each other highlights how one guy has “upside.” Yes, in scare quotes, and he hasn’t done much of anything, and the other guy has zero heat and is about as valuable for fantasy.

Robert Suarez – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.63, and another blown save. He’s so lucky there’s no one behind him that’s any good. Well, except Jason Adam. And Jeremiah Estrada. And Adrian Morejon. And Matsui, Morgan and Hoeing, but besides those guys, no one!

Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .251. Only under contract until 2033. Whew!

Zach Eflin – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.95. Left the game with lower back tightness. Zach Eflin hopes to be ready for the All-Star Game, as he accepted an invitation to pitch in the Home Run Derby.

Dean Kremer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. Nearly wrote his name as Dean Kermit, and, boy, did I laugh! You must be going to a French school, because your headmaster is a frog! Got his ass! Him, being a person I made up in my head. Any hoo! Streamonator hates Kremer’s next, and I agree.

Taj Bradley – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.79. Dude is a non-stop banana in the ol’ tailpipe.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .275. I’m obsessed with 2nd basemen being shizz on the Player Rater. Lowe is comfortably the top 2nd baseman now, and he would be the 6th 3rd baseman.

Jack Leiter – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.29. Arlington plays like Yellowstone and he was against the M’s, who make every park into Yellowstone, so bleh. Also, I really need to start watching Yellowstone, so my mom stops asking me if I started it yet.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and three homers in three games. Him getting hot gives me hope for Grounder Henderson. “False hope?” That’s the smart side of my brain.

Mitch Garver – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Mariners have more catcher homers before July than most teams have all year. Too bad they have zero other hitters.

Clarke Schmidt – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. He was beat by Kurtz and Rooker homers. Soon enough they’ll both be Yankees. But then Schmidt will be on another team. O. Henry!

Marcus Stroman – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 8.16, as he was activated, I think. Was he activated or called up from the minors? I forget. Never the hoo! If you’re picking up Stroman, you don’t care about your ratios like you should. Pinch your eyes tightly closed and focus your efforts elsewhere that are more productive than picking up Stroman. Like sharting.

Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 29th and 30th homer. Legit never heard of him before. Is he power guy? He should take lessons from Cal Raleigh.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .242, but, more importantly, he’s hitting near-.315 in June with six homers. Good regroup in May when he wasn’t playing. Continue bebopping, Jazz!

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .270. But he’s hitting .420 in all our hearts.

JP Sears – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.09. If you started him in Yankee Stadium, may your pants be extra roomy for your grapes!

Bailey Ober – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.28. If only there was some way to perfectly capture how much BO stinks…Hey, wait a minute!

Sal Frelick – 3-for-5 and his 5th homer, as he hits leadoff, and this was his 2nd homer in June, and he added in four steals and hit around .290, and when I started this blurb I thought it was gonna sound more enticing.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, his last 28 games: ~.350, 7 HRs, 30 RBIs, 16 runs. We love our MILFs. Major leaguers I think used to play LF. What did you think MILF referred to?

Quinn Priester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.35. They should have an arm wrestling match between the Brewers’ pitching coach, the Royals’ pitching coach and Jeremy Hefner, the Mets’ pitching coach. How do you have a three-way arm wrestling match? I don’t know, I also don’t know what that’s proving. It’s their coaching that’s good, not their wrists’ over-the-toppiness. So, is Priester actually this good? Literally no. Figuratively hard to argue. His underlying stats are ugly — Priester’s 7 K/9, 3.2 BB/9, 3.81 and read like a Streamonator pick. Rockies are as good as that goes, but the Brewers just produce great pitchers. I’m sure they’re cheating.

Chad Patrick – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.51. I can’t throw harder than 37 MPH and the Brewers could make me an ace. So, Chad Patrick’s underlying stats are a little prettier — 9.3 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.96 xFIP, but he does give up a lot of fly balls (45%) and that could lead to trouble. You gotta keep “the Rockies are a good matchup” and “Brewers just develop great pitchers” separated, and telling all Brewers starters to Come Out and Play on your fantasy team, as we move Offspring and into summer.