Yu Go Gurriel!

The last month the Gurriel father & son team, Yu-Lou-Gu, have been having is absolutely crazy. It’s the best father & son month since August 1984 with Yogi and Dale Berra. Only Yogi  and Dale’s great month wasn’t due to on-field play, but Yogi making a drug-sniffing dog’s handler laugh while Dale snuck an eight ball of coke through security at a Def Leppard concert. “If this leopard is deaf, what kind of singer is he gonna be?”  Oh, Yogi, you card!  Yesterday, Yuli Gurriel went 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .281, as he continues his torrid pre-All-Star break pace.  He’s hitting close to .380 in July with eight homers.  That’s in 38 at-bats.  He has 11 homers in his last fifteen games.  Only one near as hot is his son, Lourdes. Hopefully, both Gurriels keep it going, knowing it ain’t over ’til the encore of Pour Some Sugar on Me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Brad Peacock – Shut down with shoulder soreness and won’t start on Tuesday. Headed to Houston for tests, so when will he start again? This bird you will not gauge.

Andrew Cashner – Traded to the Red Sox.  This gives the Red Sox Cashner, Sale and Price, and none are money. “I’ll take this staff to the bahnk with no fiduciary concerns!” That’s a Harvard-educated Bostonian who still sounds dopey with the accent (says the guy from Jersey — ha!).  Surprising trade for the Orioles because teams don’t usually trade with teams in their division.  When the Orioles were reached for comment, they said, “We’re in the Red Sox division? We didn’t even know we were playing the same sport.”  Cashner is having one of his best recent seasons, which is to stay not as good as 95% of pitchers, but he’s doing all right for himself. His 6.2 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 4.88 xFIP are laughably bad, and he looks like he’ll fill the backend of the Red Sox rotation until he’s transferred to the bullpen.

Chris Sale – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.27. Did I say Cashner would go to the bullpen? How about Sale does and Cashner is the Red Sox ace?

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-6 and his 19th homer.  Just Dong because the alternative is just don’t.

A.J. Pollock – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two days, which I know because he was on my bench for both.  Sonavabench! Sonavabench!  I’d bet against it, but Pollock is capable of a top 30 outfielder 2nd half.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.78.  As I keep saying, Ryu could be skipped or come down with a mysterious injury to limit IP. I hope I’m wrong, and I don’t want to be right (since I own him), but the concern is real.

Yadier Molina – Hit the IL with a strained thumb tendon, and could miss three to four weeks.  That little thumb went wah-wah-wah.

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .251.  Au Shizz!

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.99 vs. Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.95.  This matchup was billed as, “Both of these guys seemed to retire at one point or another in the recent past, which makes me think pitchers in their mid-30’s are more reliable than pitchers in their mid-20’s, based on the sample size of two.” Not a ton of people call it by its billing name.

Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.65. He only threw 117 pitches on Saturday. A mere pittance. Which reminds me of my idea for a bagel store that only serves small people like The Bagel Boss, I call it, A Schmear Pittance.

Shane Bieber – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.49.  He’s coming off an All-Star Game MVP, which he won because he made the game a little quicker.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .294. Oye como yay!

Luis Severino – Cleared to begin throwing.  Nice!  Only four months past the original “beginning to throw” date.

Ken Giles – Was unavailable all weekend due to nerve inflammation in his arm.  The good news is the Jays won’t be trading Giles this year unless some team is so desperate they want closers with arm issues — hello, Red Sox!  The bad news is Daniel Hudson or Joe Biagini will be the closer.

Eric Sogard – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .296.  Bobbinson Cano has been hotter since the break, but Sogard or Cano?  Okay, now imagine again you have to pay Cano $120 million for five years.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .234.  After his homer, Grichuk laid down his bat on a picnic blanket, picked up a basket of scones and handed them out to the opposing team as he rounded the bases.  What a gentleman!

Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .247.  Soler’s headed for the quietest 40-homer season since Handsy McWattmore hit 43 homers in 1903. Handsy was a mute player for the Trenton Crankpots, and he would go on to invent base running signs.

Niko Goodrum – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 9th and 10th steal, hitting .242.  Like Khris Davis hitting .247, it should be law that Goodrum hits .151.

Jonathan Lucroy – Will be wearing a facial cast for the next week following a procedure to correct the unsolicited nose job that Marisnick gave him, i.e., Marisnick = Carlos Beltran and Lucroy = Jon Niese.

Mike Trout – Removed from the game with a tight calf. Joke’s on you, Trouts don’t have calves! *rechecks zoology textbook* Nope, they definitely don’t!

Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer.  But you wouldn’t even know a Domingo if you held it in your hand.

Matt Thaiss – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .176.  There’s definitely some serious holdover from The Sciosciapath when it comes to Ausmus with Thaiss being called up, not playing every day, and when he does play, he’s hitting ninth. Haven’t seen anyone so scared of Thaiss since Tipper Gore looking at a 2 Live Crew album cover.

Mike Soroka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.24. Whatever musk Soroka’s wearing to fend off the Regression Fairies, it should be worn by all pitchers.

A.J. Minter – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 6.56, and his 5th save.  Someone else should be the closer in Atlanta (not Minter either), but Luke Jackson (earned runs in the past two appearances) must have some compromising photos of Brian Snitker – teehee, Snitker, Snitker.

Max Scherzer – Hit the IL with a back sprain.  Damn, I really thought he was just pretending to be injured to avoid the All-Star Game. Guess we should’ve known since he would never play possum like that. He’d play a raccoon with two black eyes, but never possum.  If I were adjusting my top 100 for the 2nd half, I’d still have Scherzer high, but would lean on one of the top Astros starters first now.

Maikel Franco – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Anyone who owned Maikel in the first two weeks of the season when he looked like he was about to break out can tell you that he gets as hot as anyone, i.e., the Franco-American Outside-Of-King-Of-Prussia war on pitching has commenced again.

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Still firmly in love with Gallen, but, like every adult in A Christmas Story, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about all those BBs.

Garrett Cooper – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, 2nd homer after the break, and third homer in the last four games.  Cooper could be as good as Goldschmidt in the 2nd half. Zoinks!

Robinson Cano – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer in as many games.  Sad to report, I actually picked up Bobbinson Cano due to his schmotatoness. Didn’t hustle to the waiver wire so I wouldn’t show him up.

Jesse Winker – Left mid-AB with what appeared to be an oblique injury.  Leaving mid-AB + Oblique = Uncertain future but likely out for at least a moth.  Damn!  The math was so close; was supposed to be a month.

Phillip Ervin – 1-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .356, and went 6-for-6 on Saturday, but, before we all start doing reacharounds on the waiver wire for Dr. Magic J aka Phillip Ervin, he was in Coors. I’m interested in deeper leagues, especially if Winker’s injury is going to be as bad as I think.

Tyler Glasnow – Will undergo an MRI on Monday. Do you see why I said you could drop him on May 12th after hearing he had a mild forearm strain? It’s going to be around May of next year when he’s headed for Tommy John surgery. If only the Rays had 2020 vision.

Brendan McKay – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.69.  As the carved tree outside of 90210 has on it, I want Brenda ‘n McKay 4 ever! However, the Rays sent him down. My guess is he’ll be back next weekend when they need him again.

Ryan Yarbrough – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.26, and nearly finished a perfect game, after he followed an Opener. Fun fact!  His last name is pronounced like an affirmative answer from any surfer.  “You hit the water curls today, brah?” “Yarbrough.”  See?  As for the Yarbrough Bridge from the Opener to Emilio Pagan (1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 6th save), he’s a solid Middler, based on matchups.

Austin Meadows – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .292.  Prolly more push back on including Meadows in my top 100 for the 2nd half than any other player.  I’m assuming from most people who would’ve said he was a top 25 guy after his great April. All about what have you done for me lately; it’s Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty.

Michael Brosseau – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and two homers on Saturday.  Hot schmotato alert!

Trevor Williams – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.17.  After the game, Ray Searage was so impressed with how Williams was pitching to contact.

Jason Heyward – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a homer.  How many homers does he have? Any guesses? Yes, everyone is hitting homers this year, but Heyward has a high of 14 homers since 2013.  No guesses?  Geez, lamecats, y’all.  He has 15 homers.  Heyward is on pace for his career high in homers. Any guesses what that is? Oh, forget it, it’s 27 homers.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .229, as he continues to leadoff.  Don’t give me the whole OBP angle either.  His is .325.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 32nd homer, hitting .330. He’s on pace 117/55/117/.330/36, and 18/3/14/.209/3 on the road.  Okay, I kid with the splits, but not far off.

Shelby Miller – Signed a minor league deal with the Brewers. They’ve made Chase Anderson, Junior Guerra, Jhoulys and Davies into serviceable starters, but now the Brewers take on their greatest challenge yet, turning a guy Dave Stewart once thought was decent into a MLB starter. “I’d release Yelich to get Shelby on the team.”  Oh, shut up, Dave Stewart!

Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86.  Haha, after almost ten years of hating Bumgarner, I’m now his biggest fan.  I stan a Bum!  Now get Bum off those bottom feeder Giants. (Why when I think of a bottom-feeding Bum I picture a butt moving and eating like Pac-Man? Am I damaged?)

John Means – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.94.  The Orioles said of this Means start, “We told him to get the regression out of the way while on our team, so after he’s traded he fires nothing but clean innings for his next team. It works that way, right?”

A.J. Reed – Promoted by the White Sox, which is awesome if they promoted 2017 A.J. Reed.  Less awesome if they promoted 2019 A.J. Reed.

Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .244. Eloy continues to truck along, but Vlad Jr. hit 91 homers in the Home Run Derby and 91 is a thicc number and Vlad Jr. is thicc, and I don’t have a thicc category in my league, aw shucks.

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and a slam (18) and legs (11), hitting .266. About to start calling him The Brunch Special, because he has more slam and legs than anyone else, aside from Yelich, who doesn’t count because MLB wants him to homer so they’ve put Miller Park’s fences on Segways for every time he comes to bat.

Homer Bailey – Traded to the A’s.  Variety reports, “Christian Bale officially signs on for the Moneyball sequel.” Just when you thought a trade couldn’t be more boring for fantasy than Cashner to the Sawx, the A’s get Bailey.  *rereads Homer news* Okay, just wanted to make sure Homer Bailey wasn’t going to The Athletic. Bailey at least has a few more Ks than Cashner (8.1 K/9), but many more walks (3.8 BB/9) and an ugly 4.62 xFIP. I’d put him in the MediOAKer category and use Streamonator for him.