I wonder what Keith Law aka [email protected] thinks about Yordan Alvarez. *searches through transcripts of Klaw chats, which he calls a Koffee Klawtch* Hmm, that’s weird. He didn’t rank Yordan in his preseason top 100. Prospect Mike had him at 27 overall in the top 50 for fantasy baseball prospects. “Hello, Mr. Skywriter? Yes, can I pay you to fly above [email protected]’s home with the message, ‘Oops.’ Where does he live? Hmm, I’ve been training my dog to sniff out bad takes, so I just need a few hours and a box of Milkbones.” On our Prospectonator, Yordan is ranked in the top 5. Again, with some stank, [email protected] didn’t even rank him in the top 100. I get it; he’s doing real baseball vs. fantasy. The problem is real baseball has become fantasy. Do people even care about defense anymore? The Orioles top pick overall is a catcher who is already in talks about moving off that position. Just one more time — he didn’t rank Yordan Alvarez in his preseason top 100! Are we even comprehending how crumby with cracker crumbs this is? Any hoo! Heir Yordan had 23 homers and a .343 average in 56 games of Triple-A. I will now laugh myself into coughing fit. Yo, Yordan, you Babe Ruth? I know what you’re thinking, how long has he been in Triple-A, is he old? He’s 21 years old. No idea of the Astros’ plans for him, and, if by some stroke of the malocchio, he doesn’t hit, I guess he could get sent down. However, I think Tyler White’s done and Yuli Guli sounds like an anime character who can’t hit, so even when George Springer, Jose Altuve, Carlos Correa — damn, you wrestling gators in hopes of passing the Yanks for most injured players? — return, I think Yordan is here to stay, and, yesterday, his 1-for-3 with his 1st homer is just the start. Get him accordingly. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.73. He was in Friday’s Buy, saying he was a guy who I would own in all leagues. I’ve now said that I’d own Framber in all leagues about four times. At some point after the eighth time, it will all click, and everyone will pick him up, then he will defecate the sheets out of us. Sorry, this Magic Eight Ball is way too detailed.
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.14. More like Pi-ley!
Domingo German – Hit the Ineffective List with a made-up injury that will pass once he stops regressing. Could take anywhere from ten days to three months.
Giancarlo Stanton – Will begin a rehab assignment early next week. I named my sex doll, Ginacarlo; I changed my own name to Greycarlo, and I lived in Giancarlo’s mailbox for three months waiting to see him. However, I will believe he’s returning when I see it.
Shane Bieber – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.07. There was a Pride Parade on my fantasy teams this weekend with a float being ridden by the Regression Fairies. Maybe you saw it on yours too. Standing on the wheel well, Chuck Mangione was playing an instrumental version of Any Major Dude Will Tell You.
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .212. Jake Bauers has been in my queue to be dropped in one league for the last six weeks. Every time I almost drop him, he’ll go ahead and do something that day and get a new, week-long lease on my team. Guess I shouldn’t be surprised Jake Bauers brings a false sense of a ticking clock.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .246. That’s six homers in only 17 games. The more you Sano.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .270. Buxton makes me want to Weinstein into a plant.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 4th straight games with a home run. Been getting some random comments about picking up or dropping Cruz. Guys and five girl readers, he’s a top 50 bat. Of course, he should be owned. By the way, he should add the Jr. back onto the end of his name to sound young. Then add another Jr. every 20 years. By the time he’s 80, he’d be Nelson Cruz Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr. Now that I think about it, that’s how people should count their ages, like rings around a tree but with Jr.’s. “In my day, people rarely lived to see four Jr.’s, but now everyone’s a multiple Jr., and we can’t feed the Jr.’s we have.” That’s a dystopian view of the world of Jr.’s. The answer, of course, is stop Jr.’s from having so many Jr.’s.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. I don’t need a personal letter from the Twins organization thanking me for not betting on them to win the World Series even though I kept saying they were my favorites to win it all, but it’s 100% the reason why they’re winning.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.92. “Hey, Joe Buck here for the 90th MLB All-Star Game with your starters Mike Soroka and Jake Odorizzi, though I’m sure Lucas Giolito will relieve him shortly. Now let’s pause for station identification so I can stare at Kyle Schwarber…in the picture in my wallet, because he’s obviously not here.” Also, to read Coolwhip, Jake Odorizzi fantasy.
Robbie Ray – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Even at this stage in the season, I still wouldn’t be surprised to see Ray end up with an ERA north of 4.50 or under-3. Not because Ray’s an enigma wrapped in a toga trying to get into a frat party with his brother’s ID, it’s because of his walks. He harnesses them like yesterday (1 BB), and he could be an ace. Shizz go sideways and he could be the new blech.
Lucas Giolito – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.28. The White Sox aren’t a great team, so guess how many wins Giolito has. Nope, fooled ya! I set you up real good with the whole “they’re not a good team.” Giolito’s record is 9-1. Ha, Giolito’s gonna win the Cy Young. Exactly as we predicted a day before he made his major league debut three years ago, then forgot we predicted it. This is also a good illustration of why I say someone like Zac Gallen could win the Cy Young, except it might not be until 2022.
Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Now do it for this whole week and we so good.
Yoan Moncada – 4-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .294. Has hit in ten straight games with three homers. Think the main takeaway from Moncada this year is his slumps are not lasting as long, which is promising and better than that Sacramento curry takeaway, A Tisket, a Tasket, Curry in a Basket.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Soler’s cruising into the lead for guys who qualify for the “I Should Own This Guy So Why Didn’t I Pick Him Up All Those Days He Was Available” title.
Robinson Cano – Hit the IL with a strained quad. Don’t worry, Mets fans, it’s only five years at $120 million; this won’t at all end up terribly. And, if you’re feeling any sort of FOMO, fans of other teams, Cano will be a free agent again in 2024 when he’s just 41 years old.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.88. I need him and Wheeler to have the biggest 2nd halves of their careers and they’ve already had some good 2nd halves before. “Dude, do you want to go 2nd halfsies with me for Grey?” “Sure, let’s do it.” This is the imagined conversation I have every morning when I wake up. I’m playing Wheeler and Matz in this scenario.
Noah Syndergaard – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.45, as he took on the lifeless Rox. You, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, Grey doesn’t like Syndergaard so he always finds a reason to not like him.” Me, “The Rockies are not a good road team. Sorry.” You, “Screw you.” Me, “You as in you or you as in me.” “I no longer remember.”
Adrian Sampson – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Adrian Sampson’s last 5 games: 31 2/3 IP, 1.99 ERA, 30 Ks, 3 BBs, and his velocity is up. Somebody’s been growing out their hair. His control makes him a viable candidate to own, but the Streamonator hates his next start, and rightfully so (@Fenway). It’s hard to own a guy like him and not start him, especially after his last few starts, but Sampson could be an hair apparent to all-league ownership.
Nick Pivetta – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.93, but only 1 earned run in his last 19 innings. I told you he was a sleeper! *dodges tomato* What? Oh, you drafted him high, then dropped him when he went to the minors, and now someone else in your league has him? That’s not my fault. *dodges a head of cabbage* Fine, it’s my fault! Stop throwing a salad bar at me!
Aaron Nola – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.58. If only Nola could be more like Pivetta–*immediately looks up, waits* Damn, I thought I might trigger balloons dropping from the ceiling for being the 1st time anyone’s said that.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Moistasskiss!
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .340. Member when we were scared Yelich hit too many ground balls? He’s on pace for 57 homers.
Jung Ho Kang – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .137. He needs a trade to the Rays. Plus, imagine what a hit Jung Ho would be at the 27 local-area Hooters. Jung Ho, “I bought a BoobyPass which gets me a free drive home after five pitchers.”
Khris Davis – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Don’t want to say we’re witnessing an apocalyKhris, but he’s not hitting .247. A full six points lower!
Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. That’s in 33 games. Hamate bone? Where we’re going we don’t need no hamate bone!
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 5th steal, hitting .177. He did hit .259 last June and .340 last July, which means either something or nothing. Trying to figure out which one gets Odor to punch himself in the face.
Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.14, as he worked the 9th in a losing game. He has around a 1.00 ERA in every inning except the ninth. Innings 1-8: Leclerc’s money. 9th Inning: Watching Clerks dubbed into French with no subtitles.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.84. I nearly didn’t mention him, which means, not only is he good, but he’s predictably good.
Max Muncy – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer. After Max hit the Superball into the water, Madison Bumgarner (7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunner, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83) and Muncy started jawing, because Muncy wasn’t running fast enough. I have an idea. Baseball should put a moving walkway around the bases. This way no one can ever get mad again about how fast someone is running, and, obviously, you can only use the moving walkway on home runs. Don’t get any ideas, Pujols.
Trevor Richards – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31. He now has thrown five straight solid starts. Commercial jingle voice, “All you have to do is whistle at T.R. Richards!”
Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Not sure why this only happens with Marlins starters, but I get the sudden urge to imagine I own only Marlins starters on my teams instead of who I have. This thought experiment is about as helpful as finding out how long a human can watch Netflix before their muscles atrophy.
Sergio Romo – 1 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.48. Hey, saves are saves, but saves ain’t that, chief. Then, that was followed by Luke Jackson (1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.09, 5th blown save) upchucking his own opportunity. Mean’s while, Craig Kimbrel is imitating the Golden Arches at the Cubs’ extended spring training facility.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.03. The Teheran rebuild is going faster than any previous administration would’ve thought imaginable. Before I invest, I would be careful about another bomb taking out built-up goodwill and infrastructure. (Working highbrow allusions!)
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Tildaddy says playtime is over!
Yusei Kikuchi – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.99. Yes, he’s hot garbage that was left in a glove compartment in a car parked on the sun, but I realized something. Remember last week when I was saying Assmunch was a piece of crap for not starting Ohtani vs. Kikuchi because there was Japanese media there and it was bigger than the game of baseball? Well, it wasn’t that Assmunch was a piece of crap, he was the biggest piece of crap. He was holding Ohtani back so he could face Kikuchi for the 1st time in Anaheim. It was a business decision, and the worst kind.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. His agent, the home run parrot on his shoulder, is actively negotiating a trade of Edwin to the Rangers. “Polly, want his no-trade clause waived.”
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. The Jelly Donut of Swat homering days after National Donut Day and on National Donald Duck Day makes him The Jelly Donut of Squawk.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1). He was in Friday’s Buy column and…Actually, I think he was, but I forget because he’s super boring. He does seem hot schmotatoey though.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .273. Ain’t trying to kick a gift Treat Urner in his mouth, but has he stolen a base since he returned from the IL?
Brian Dozier – 0-for-4. Didn’t do anything yesterday, but has been hitting near-.450 in the last week with two homers in the last four games, so you know I gots to schmotato that.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Ed-Rod is a special kind of terrible, in that he’s only terrible when we own him. Let’s all drop him for his and our sake.
Yandy Diaz – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .270. Yandy is almost always the 1st player I suggest you drop when you give me a list of names. The okay power is, well, okay, but to put it in perspective, on our Player Rater, he was ranked 277th overall going into yesterday.
Brent Honeywell – Will miss the remainder of the season after fracturing a bone in his elbow during a bullpen session, as he was working his way back from Tommy John surgery. He will now undergo surgery to see how much of the Tommy John surgery got screwed up from the fractured elbow. If all is okay, he will enter a bubble until 2020. By the way, contrary to popular opinion, if you live in a bubble, you do need to dust. You don’t need to vacuum though. Also, next year, when anyone says, “Is Brent Honeywell draftable?” You can reply, “He’s on the bubble.”