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We have to talk about these London games. They were bloody awful! Talk about giving the pitchers a lift, but lift as in British English, as in putting the pitchers on an elevator with Droopy Dog saying, “Going down?” This was like if The Spice Girls had a Cilantro Spice. The Yankees used a pitcher named Hale just to troll the Brits. They should’ve signed Ben Revere to a two-day contract, but just to have him scream at the front gates when the Brits were coming into the stadium. That would’ve been savage. Never forget, never surrender! Okay, now I’m just singing Corey Hart, WHO WAS CANADIAN BUT REACHED SUCCESS IN AMERICA! Any hoo! There was a ton of offense this weekend. Luke Voit bongo’ed four hits on Saturday, then pulled up lame because London’s healthcare system. The Yanks said he should be back on Tuesday, and the Brits said, “The Yanks said something.” Aaron Judge (1-for-2, 1 run) went donking (his 7th); Aaron Hicks (2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs) said, “Dinger ain’t just the Rockies mascot,” with his 6th on Saturday; Brett Gardner (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) elicits female-like screams from Joe Buck when he went deep for his 12th homer on Saturday; Michael Chavis stepped up for the Sawx with two dongers on Saturday because the fence was 255 feet away and 0-for-5 on Sunday; Just Dong (3-for-4, 2 runs and his 18th) introduced his new cosplay character, Dongo Magnificent; Christian Vazquez (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer) thumbed his nose up at all Protestant Vazquezes, and all pitchers got wrecked. I mean, Rick Porcello (1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.07) and Masahiro Tanaka (2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.74) should’ve forgot their passports and never even went. Oh well, as we know, hitters don’t need to be in London to tea off. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Luis Severino – Unable to throw off the mound. I’d be more concerned about Severino bouncing back for next year, then throwing significant innings this year. So, you can stash him with your Klubers and Glasnows, then give a glance to see what Clevinger did when he returned.
Marcell Ozuna – Hit the IL after fracturing his middle finger. What an FU to his fantasy owners. Unlike Moistasskiss, most players who fracture fingers are out for a decent amount of time. I’ve begun to compile my 2nd half rankings, which will drop next Tuesday, and I’m thinking OZUNA just went from a top 50 guy to off the list. In related news, I tried to pick up Tyler O’Neill in all of my leagues, but didn’t have room in shallower ones. O’Neill could be a decent power bat in for the Long Day’s Journey into the 2nd half.
Dakota Hudson – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER and 7 unearned runs, ERA at 3.40. That’s like the Regression Fairies show up to a dinner party without a bottle of wine, so they go to the store to get one, fall into a series of misadventures not seen since the movie After Hours, then return with a bottle of wine two days after the party is done only to find out the host is in AA and doesn’t want the wine.
Matt Carpenter – Has started once all week. You’d think a Carpenter would make better use of a bench, but he appears to just be sitting there. Cardinals are saying Carpenter’s stomach was bothering him. I’m sure it’s from looking at his stats.
Dominic Leone – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 7.20. This was a bit of an odd case, because Carlos Martinez (2 2/3 IP, 0 ER) went for multiple innings, but that goes back to what I keep saying about why C-Mart won’t be the lone closer on the Cards. Starting to think it will be C-Mart 50% of the time, and others filling in the rest like it’s a bad episode of Lost.
Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Please let him be back to April/May Paddack for just six more weeks, then he can get shut down at the end of August.
Manny Machado – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .277. Macho, Macho Manny!
Joey Lucchesi – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Was wishing for this game to go much smoother against a poor team in Petco. Shouldn’t have used my last wish on turning Tommy La Stella into an All-Star.
Brett Anderson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.92. He threw his last start of 3 IP, 7 ER simply to see who would stick with him. Turns out we like medium-sized Anderson, because I wasn’t sticking with him through thick and thin.
Stephen Piscotty – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Piscotty said, “I thought it was my quad,” then the doctor started screaming, “Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!”
Matt Chapman – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .270, and a single shy of the cycle. That’s All-Star Matt Chapman. I think, at least. I don’t pay attention to the All-Star Game rosters much. Sandy Alcantara making it though is a fire emoji on the top of a meteor headed right for the All-Star Game. Marlins should pitch him on the Sunday before the game, so not only is he a terrible selection, but he’ll also be unavailable.
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. Been saying for a week-plus that he looks broke, and I wouldn’t own him. You filling up your pity-bank for good karma? Go pick plastic straws out of dolphins’ nostrils and leave Heaney alone.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4 and his 11th and 12th homers, hitting .299. Reading Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston entrance exam question, “Ohtani as only a hitter is greater than or equal to a top 20 hitter?” Beads of sweat forming on forehead, gulps hard, looks at instructions, “Show your work.” Oh cmon!
Aaron Sanchez – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.31. Aaron Sanchez should’ve been Chopped.
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. How can you spot a hot schmotato? It’s Smoak’ing.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .233. He’s on pace for 42 homers; he’s owned in only 40% of ESPN leagues. Have an idea for teams who have already abandoned fantasy baseball before July. If a guy is on pace for 40+ homers, he’s automatically added onto teams that haven’t made a move in a week.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. “I can’t say he’s dead for sure, but we could stick his head under water and see if there’s any bubbles–Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Eugenio moved! He’s alive!”
Raisel Iglesias – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.41 and his 14th save. Earlier this year, Raisel Iglesias questioned his manager’s use of him. That is reason enough to remove him from the closer job, if the manager has a short fuse and anger issues. Enter: David Bell. Since Michael Lorenzen (1/3 IP, 3 ER) was used in the 6th inning, I don’t buy he’s the closer either. David Bell is legit spiting his team by screwing over his closer with his usage.
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. I know you only care about what’s going on with my teams, so I will quickly recount to you my use of Tony Disco. He pitches well: on my bench. He pitches poorly: in my lineup. I need Opposite George to manage my team.
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Schwarber always seems to homer during Jon Lester’s starts. Can imagine this is cause for consternation between Lester, Schwarber and Joe Buck.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and 14th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.43. At least once a week I’m reminded that the Diamondbacks Mr. Bungled Scherzer, and traded him to the Tigers for Ian Kennedy and Edwin Jackson. That would’ve been a bad trade if it were 1960 and that was JFK (because Arizona didn’t have a team then, so what was JFK gonna do? Land a man on the desert?).
Brandon Dixon – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and around his 18th homer in the last week. Bra-Dix was in Friday’s Buy, as he was in every Buy column for the last two years, give or take two years.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.78. He was a Streamonator call on Saturday, and SON likes him for his next start. If you start Pineda in any league, you have pants grapes that are much bigger than mine.
Dylan Cease – Being called up for Wednesday’s game. We did it! We did it! We…*losing enthusiasm*…did…it? Damn, only two exclamations in and I’m already fatigued. That captures my feelings on most rookie pitchers, if I’m being honest. If I’m being punny, that Cease’s my feelings. Let’s just grab one rando who happens to be his teammate. I was excited about Giolito when he was called up three years ago, and you see how long that took? Cease has lights-out stuff. Prospect Mike said, “The righty pairs a double-plus heater with a wipeout curve, which could play as a starter (SP2/3 ceiling). Speaking of ceilings, what if one fell on Grey? How great would that be?” What is the meaning of this? I grabbed Cease in one 15-team mixed league, because who am I to resist rookie nookie, but I could see this going south fast for ratios.
Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.72. As I mentioned in the OZUNA blurb, currently working on my 2nd half rankings, and still not sure where I’m going to land on Giolito, but hard to picture him much lower than a top 15 starter.
J.P. Crawford – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .310, hitting near-.450 in the last week. You can’t find a hotter schmotato in the majors. It’s not a challenge, don’t come at me with Yairo Munoz.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and a slam (20) and legs (13), hitting .295. Tildaddy says you can drive his car!
Noah Syndergaard – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.56, as he was activated from the IL. No joke, I bet at some point Dr. Met is going to pop up with a diorama made of elbow macaroni and say, “So…I think I’ve figured out what’s been wrong with Syndergaard for the last year.”
Kevin Pillar – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .240. Pillar is holding up the entire team, which could be why the team should be condemned and closed for renovations.
Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.10 vs. Madison Bumgarner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Here’s a good one for all you NERDS! Between Ray and Bumgarner, any ideas which one is ranked higher on the Player Rater? It was Ray, and, before yesterday’s game, it wasn’t even close.
Brandon Woodruff – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.79. Fun fact! Bra-Wood is not related to Bra-Dix.
Eric Thames – 1-for-2, and his 12th homer. This was a pinch-hit homer, and I usually don’t point those out, but he homered on Saturday, and, if he gets hot, he could be a top 50 player in the 2nd half. Not saying he will, but the opportunity is there.
David Dahl – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .317. Wish to apologize for my lengthy weeks-long diatribes about him being David Dull, but I had to get him going. It’s tough love; it’s what my daddy fought me–excuse me, taught me.
Starlin Castro – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, ERA at .230. “Siri, set a reminder for me to pick up Isan Diaz.” “Grey, a reminder has been set for you to pick up Nissan Diesel.” “Siri, I’m talking about the minor leaguer who has 18 round trippers in Triple-A.” “Calling AAA to have an 18-wheeler pick up your Nissan Diesel.” “Siri, leave me alone.” “Grey, there are no leaf robes in your area.”
Jorge Alfaro – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .255. Hit ’em up, Al-farrrrrrr-o!
Jordan Yamamoto – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.35. Chaos everywhere. Cars have crashed into each other in the middle of the road, left there, overheating. A pimply-faced teenager runs into frame and points at the sky, screaming, “Yamamoto is crashing back to earth!”
Zach Plesac – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.61. Another teenager rides up on his bicycle, “That’s not just Yamamoto…That’s three-fifths of the Indians’ pitching staff!”
Shane Bieber – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.54. He threw 112 pitches yesterday, but they were low-stress pitches, because he kept repeating an inspirational mantra, “If I pitch well, Trevor Bauer said he will crap with the door closed.”
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.87. Said after his last Snell-lacking that he was a buy low, and now I’m saying, samesies, if you can.
Brendan McKay – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 3 Ks in his 1st major league start. I’ve gone over him a few times in the last week, and I would absolutely add him, so take the rest of this with a grain of salt, but he was not overpowering anyone on Saturday. He induced a ton of fly ball outs, which scares me with this pinball they’re calling a baseball. It could absolutely be a small sample, since I watched one game of his. I did not come away floored by his pitching, even if Brendan McKay did the Rangers like he was walking into The Peach Pit, nodding his head as the coolest guy in the place, and everyone else was Jason Biggs doing that apple pie.
Jesse Chavez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners (0 walks), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Streamonator doesn’t love him, but he has pitched well, which leaves me lukewarm, which is also what Skywalker says getting out of a spa.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .286. Gallo said he’d like to take part in the Home Run Derby, but wasn’t invited. Joey Gallo should set up shop in the parking lot and hit home runs into the stadium.
