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From the journal of Jim Morrison, he wrote about an encounter he had with lizard wearing a crown of thorns that he alternated calling, Jesus Luzardo and The Luzard King. Here, I wish to transcribe Jim’s musings, “Today, I rode with a large Native American man to a Wawa to get some beej ferky (sic). The Native American man told me about the many lives he had lived and how he never trusted rookie pitchers. He recounted a story about how he traded all his pitchers for Chris Paddack, due to a great April in 2019. This was confusing to me, since this was 1970, but this wise Native American knew more in his head, which he covered in an Indians baseball club hat, than I’d ever know. Was this Lou Boudreau? Before we got to the Wawa, which was only three minutes away by automobile, so not sure why it was taking so long — were we lost? — the Native American man pulled over and picked up a pitchman for an insurance company which was an animated lizard. This was The Luzard King. An obvious lizard, which made it weird when it kept saying it was a gecko. The Luzard King said it had a shoulder issue early in the preseason of the 2019 season, which I had a premonition would be 38 years after my death. Also, oddly enough, I’m being fed a quote from the future from Prospect Mike about Jesus Luzardo. He will say, ‘Luzardo’s stock just continues to rise. He’s in the rarified air of ‘best pitching prospects’ now. The lefty threw 109 innings across three leagues in 2018 and posted a 129/30 strikeout-to-walk ratio. Everything is plus or better – the heater, the curve, the change, the control. He’s the total package, like the package I filled with anthrax and sent to Grey.’ Who is this Grey he speaks of? Who is Prospect Mike? Was it the peyote talking or was it something more mysterious?” And that’s me quoting Jim Morrison quoting Prospect Mike! Don’t think Luzardo is going to be up before the All-Star Break, but now is the time to stash him. He could be a top arm in the 2nd half, or at least a solid Middler like early Yonny. Call him Once Uponny. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
BUY
James McCann – Immanuel Kant argued that space, time and causation were ‘things-in-themselves’ which just ‘exist.’ He also used to say, “Put in McCann!” about everything.
Bobby Bradley – Just gave you my Bobby Bradley fantasy. It was written while showing a studio audience my Roger Rabbit.
Garrett Cooper – True or false: Cooper once injured himself while saying, “I’m going to Wichita,” during a karaoke session of Seven Nation Army.
Brandon Dixon – Over the last 30 days, Bra-Dix has six homers, two steals and has cemented himself in the cleanup spot in the Tigers’ order. “We can try a jackhammer, but I can’t promise anything.” That’s someone looking at Bra-Dix’s cementing of himself.
Dominic Smith – This guy is quickly becoming a favorite of mine. He seems totally untalented, but having a ton of fun. You have a Fun category in your league? Yes? No? Okay, well, he’s also been hot.
Eric Sogard – When you think about how you should’ve drafted Sogard instead of Vlad Jr., I put a finger on your brain like I’m Dianne Wiest in Bullets Over Broadway.
Keston Hiura – Here’s what I said this morning, “In 74 combined games this year: Hiura has 24/8/.315, roughly a pace of 48/15/.300. Hahahahahaha–Breathe, Grey! Breathe! Seriously, grab him.” And that’s me quoting me!
Danny Santana – Ya know what’s funny to me? “Farts?” Yes, but also how I still call this guy Dannys Antana, when the reason for that is so long ago, it’s no longer relevant. It would be like if I ever came across Chris Young in person and called him Krispie.
Cavan Biggio – Surprised there’s no one rushing out to add Biggio. Sure, he hasn’t been amazing, but he hasn’t been bad and I would’ve thought his name factor alone would’ve had him owned everywhere. As surprising as the Game of Thrones finale? Yes, but less disappointing.
Kevin Newman – On our 7-day Player Rater, Newman is a top 50 hitter. Hello, Newman!
Scooter Gennett – He should be back with the Reds soon, then shipped off to whichever team gives the Reds absolutely anything. “You’re willing to give us a bench coach for Scooter? Hmm, what kind of signs can he steal?”
Luis Urias – If Luis isn’t called up soon, I will put the buy for Urias on ice — Ur-ice? Damn, that’s cold! — like I put Mountcastle on ice.
Garrett Hampson – Honestly, I don’t care what Hampson or any non-Dahl, non-Chazz Noir or non-Arenado Rockies player can do. They’re in Coors and if they’re playing, they’re okay by me. Or I guess, Buy me.
J.P. Crawford – The three hottest players in the major leagues over the last week: LeMahieu, Lourdes Gurriel Jr. and Crawford, who’s been Just Peachy, aptly.
Oscar Mercado – Already gave you my Oscar Mercado fantasy. It hears Uranus and giggles.
Ramon Laureano – Hasn’t been exactly all I hoped for when I called him a sleeper in the preseason, but he has been far from a disappointment, outside of April. He’s currently around the 30th best outfielder. Ya know, about that of Tommy Pham, Gallo, Bryce Harper (!) and Buxton. Sounds crazy, but you’d be surprised at how much weight steals carry for fantasy value right now. Domingo Santana is a top 10 outfielder. Check out the Player Rater. Be it; live it; breathe it, not in that order. Prolly go “breathe it” 1st.
Brendan McKay – Will be called up to start on Saturday, and already gave you my Brendan McKay fantasy. The one difference between then and now…Well, there’s a few differences, the time, the date–Okay, differences for fantasy are he’s starting; I thought he might be a Middler. I also didn’t mention much about his bat. I’d be shocked if he’s more than a TTO, i.e., occasional homer, walk and strikeout. As an arm, he’s worth owning everywhere. This is also a Streamonator call. Like the call it makes to a junkyard to see if anyone’s seen its sister.
Tyler Skaggs – This is also a Streamonator call. “She went by the name ‘Speak & Spell.’ I miss our conversations.”
Liam Hendriks – Have no faith whatsoever in Blake Treinen being usable the rest of the year. Been saying this for about a week now. Hendriks could be a top 10 (5?) closer for the rest of the year (month?). That’s how one plants a flag (on a hedge?).
Carlos Martinez – Unlike Hendriks, I don’t have a ton of faith in C-Mart. Just don’t think it’s very S-Mart of the Cardinals to use him as a closer the rest of the year. Don’t they ever want him to start again? Maybe not, but I have my doubts. There’s no great arm behind him, but I guess Ron Gant’s son could step in. I’m also stashing Tyler Webb, which seems more like what Pookie from New Jack City would describe as a pipe dream.
Ian Kennedy – More like top ten closer, Ian Kennedy! Have you seen any film on him? Za-proof’s in the Zapruder!
SELL
DJ LeMahieu – Not sure if everyone heard my podcast story a few weeks ago about going to dinner with The Miz. Something I didn’t mention during that because it seemed irrelevant at the time, and, now that I think about it, it’s irrelevant now too, but DJ Darude was also at that dinner. I didn’t know him at the time, and don’t really still, but, up until LeMahieu, he was the only DJ I even tangentially knew. The whole DJ culture thing passed me by. Now all I can think when I see a DJ billboard announcing some residence at a Vegas hotel is, “Why does every DJ photo look like an in memoriam?” Any hoo! LeMahieu has been the best hitter over the last month, is a top 15 player for all of fantasy on the year and provides no speed and usually no power. Is this a joke? Where’s DJ LeMahieu’s in memoriam photo? Right here! There’s no way he keeps this up. I’d be looking at the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer to see what I can get for LeMahieu. I wouldn’t trade him for a massage at a place called Sal’s Chicken & Dry Rubs, but I would explore offers.
