We have to shut down the naming of kids that end in -aden. No more Kadens or Cadens, Bradens or Jadens, Wadens or Ladens, Hadens or Tadens, Vadens or Zadens, Madens or Fadens, no more! We are at our limit. You’re welcome to come up Braden Montgomery, but then that’s it. So, Montgomery Earns Promotion, Goodbye Simpson (Chandler), that’s my new fantasy team’s name, and I ain’t Ned at it. In his latest update, Itch had Braden Montgomery at 33 on his top 50 fantasy baseball prospects, and said, “Chicago front office had to be thrilled to see Montgomery post respectable outcomes across three levels in his debut season, slashing .270/.360/.444 with 12 home runs and 14 stolen bases in 121 games. A switch-hitter at 6’2” 220 pounds, Montgomery was Boston’s first-round pick in 2024 (12th overall) but got dealt away in the Garrett Crochet trade before he even played an inning for the Bo Sox. And I have a bow and arrow ready for Grey.” Um, I’m scared. That blurb by Itch was from the offseason, and this season he’s gone 10/5/.314 with a 24.8 K% and 15.1 BB% in 210 minor league at-bats (111 in Triple-A). This guy seems like an immediate add in all leagues with basically 30/30/.280 ability. Think a young Kyle Tucker. Call him Young *ucker. Yesterday, Braden Montgomery (2-for-5, 3 RBIs) hit a walk-off homer off Raisel Iglesias, who hadn’t given up a home run since July 19th of last year. Let’s go Braden! (By the way, yes, Faden is kinda cool. Fine, that’s it though!) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Every league. That’s where you could’ve drafted or picked him up. Every. Freakin. League. Yes, I brought out the douchey, one-word sentences.
Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer. 16 more to go!
Cole Carrigg – 1-for-3 as he was called up by the Rockies. No one is surprised to see Carrigg. There’s one in every hotel room. “Hello, can you send some Carrigg pods up to room 310? Hmm, we’ll take two Blue Mountains, one Starbucks Lux Blend and two Caramel Mocha Chocolate Ya-Ya Creole Lady Marmalades? I’m on the phone with the front desk! Do you want a Carrigg pod? We can pick them up on the way out. I can put the pods in my Cupp-A-Chino pants with the extra pockets for later.” So, to believe in Carrigg, you have to believe in the Rockies’ ability to develop. Or, I guess, they do develop guys for their first taste of the majors, then disappear in year two. This year, Carrigg went 6/30/.338 in Triple-A with a 10.5 BB% and 15.2 K% in 225 ABs, and that looks like him every step of the way, outside the contact, potentially. Montgomery is a better bat/prospect, but Coors can fix a lot of wrongs. It could be either of them that is better this year.
Hunter Goodman – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 4th homer in a week. A good(man) in Coors and there’s not a ton to say, so I usually skip him when he homers, but, damn, he’s having another solid season. No Nolan Jones curse here!
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.91. as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I got this new tiny spoon to hang around my neck. Cool, right? A cop stopped me, thinking it was for cocaine. They clearly have never been to a Japanese place that serves miso soup with no spoon.”
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.22. Which pitchers are not coming back until May next year? I’m making a draft list right now.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. I saw he had 4 IP, and zero runs/hits, and I was like, “Pull him now! I don’t care about the win!” Feels like Eovaldi is headed to a multi-month IL stint any day now.
Jac Caglianone – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and a double slam (7, 8) and legs (3), hitting .261. The 2nd home run Jac hit was sent back with a note from the fan saying, “We’re sorry Vinnie Pasketti no longer plays baseball but happy he’s living his truth.” So, yes, I’d pick up Caglianone again if he was dropped. A two-homer game goes a long way to a hot streak.
Stephen Kolek – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Nearly picked him up in a few weekly leagues, but I did a bawk-bawk chicken. Streamonator doesn’t like him because of a lack of Ks, but his BB/9 is 1.9 and I’m fine with him as a sixth starter in deeper leagues.
Corbin Carroll – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .283. Did you know only one player returned this year from a hamate bone removal?
Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting third, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert! By the way, I gave up on Waldschmidt. Nature of the roundup is hard to get that info out sometimes, so I thought I’d let you know.
Trevor Rogers – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.15. Funny what one out can do to a line. One more out and he has a Quality Start. This? Shart.
Coby Mayo – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in four games, and has been in a few of the past Buy columns, and will be in this week’s (likely!), can see it today on Patreon or wait until Friday.
Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.62. It’s nice that he’s managed to steady the ship. Good thing for a Mariner.
Randy Arozarena – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting–Guess. Guess what he’s hitting. He’s a .240 hitter, bordering on a .220 hitter, so what’s he hitting now? Huzzah, that’s wrong! He’s hitting .299.
Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer in a week. The one true LuGaJu!
Bryce Eldridge – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.400 in June and .300 since his call-up, which is frankly shocking. Maybe the Giants have a real one here. His Ks are not high at all and he has 40-homer power. I’m intrigued, y’all!
Max Meyer – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.85. He gave up two well-timed homers, so they were solo shots. Don’t you love when your pitcher manages to figure out when to do that? It’s why it’s called pitching and not chucking turds in a plastic bag.
Spencer Jones – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. If he could make contact, he could be, well, Judge. Sadly, I’m not sure he’s Joey Gallo. Honestly, I’m more encouraged that he had a single.
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .231. Only 41 more!
Gerrit Cole – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.45 vs. Slade Cecconi – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.83. This matchup was billed as, “Cole/Slade, or do you want the limestone pathway to the front door?”
Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. I call him Mr. Excitement! The exclamation mark is not optional.
Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Must be nice to roster O’Hearn and mockingly laugh at people who have Vlad Jr. I hate you.
Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Pitched well because Oneil Cruz was out of the lineup with a sore hand.
Eric Lauer – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.47. Moral of this story is the Jays have to cheat better and River Ryan’s never coming up.
Andy Pages – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .282. He’s the most valuable Dodger on the Player Rater. Zoinks!
Byron Buxton – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. Oh, by the way, he’s back in the lineup.
Josh Bell – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer. Ahem, um, I said last time he played, “Oh, he’s absolutely hitting a homer in their next game and two more this week.” And that’s me predicting Bell! Also, in this game, Kody Clemens (1-for-4) hit his 9th homer, and he’s been one of the hottest hitters over the last ten games, and Brooks Lee (2-for-4) hit his 10th homer, and he’s been hot too. Trust the hotness.
Taj Bradley – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. Taj Ma-stale-ass.
Troy Melton – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.81. Ya know, in addition to Bradens, there’s a lot of Meltons. We get it, climate change! I like Melton, he said like a scoop of ice cream, but I’m not starting him willy and/or nilly in any matchups, so I guess Streamonator.
Dillon Dingler – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. One of the best moves I made this year in my RCL was dropping Carter Jensen for Dingler early on. Hasn’t been a great year in that league!
Riley Greene – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Having a weird one. He’s hitting over-.300–Oh, forget it. I just looked up his stats. He has a .419 BABIP? Okay, hilarious.
Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, three homers since he returned from injury, which is eight days, which is a Beatles week.
Payton Tolle – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.70 vs. Nick Martinez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.43. But make sure you draft pitching early! Not Connelly.
Jack Kochanowicz – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. Maybe the doctor can also help with his uncle who keeps saying he’s, “Gotcha-nose-witz.”
Walbert Urena – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.44, and this was in 107 pitches. He’s going to need to ice his arm before greeting people at Wal-Bert.
Kai-Wei Teng – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.71. That time Kai-Wei to the danger zone was as bad as that sounds.
Alec Burleson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .293. Can’t believe I didn’t draft Burleson because of his lack of power, so instead I drafted Vlad Jr.
Dustin May – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.21. If you have the balloon grapes to start May, then more power to you, but, if we’re being honest, I wouldn’t start him even if the Streamonator liked him.
Kodai Senga – Scratched from his rehab start with ulnar nerve irritation. We need to shut down the Mets until we figure out what is wrong with them.
Francisco Alvarez – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. He beat the six-to-eight week timetable to return, and now we’ll see if he can beat the three-to-five week timetable for his next injury.
Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.04. After the game, Freddy told the media, “Write an article that says I threw a shutout and I’m open to trades and I will give you $40,000.”
Matt McLain – 0-for-3, 1 run and 3 steals (8, 9, 10). Okay, show me what you’re working with it.
Sal Stewart – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .254. Right now, it’s 10:30 my time, Song/Maxwell is the hitter/pitcher matchup, I’m playing Ascension and that just made me cry. RIP.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 4-for-6, 1 run, hitting .278. Did you know he’s only hit one ball further than the infield all season? It’s a true story.
Tyler Soderstrom – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, three homers in two games. Sure, he’s in Super Bing Bong, but they still count!
Zack Gelof – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games because all A’s hitters hit homers on Monday and Tuesday.
Henry Bolte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Was beginning to think he could only hit homers in the minors–Oh, wait.
Jonah Heim – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hit ’em with the Heim!
Nick Kurtz – 1-for-3 and his 15th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. If you’re not rostering multiple A’s, I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems but Bing Bongs ain’t one.
Luis Lara – Brewers’ prospect signed a seven-year, $31 million deal. This could speed up Lara’s timetable. He’s currently sitting on seven homers, 18 steals and a .338 average. In related news, I signed Itch to a $100 deal for five years and a club option for three more. In a statement, Itch said, “Don’t I have some say in this?”
