Welcome to the class where we discuss the planets — Science class? I don’t know, I’m just your substitute teacher, Mr. Albright. We’re going to put aside your syllabus, and teach you how all planets revolve Vladimir Guerrero Jr.‘s planet, IncomingTripleCrownium. Yesterday, IncomingTripleCrownium went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and hit his 21st homer, as he hits .344. Does planet Daddy Vladdy revolve around IncomingTripleCrownium, and how is that possible since IncomingTripleCrownium is an offshoot of Daddy Vladdy? I don’t know, which is why I’m merely a substitute, and was told I would never be hired for a full-time position. IncomingTripleCrownium spins on its axis, without an absurd amount of spin, a totally natural spin, and that gave way to a Semien explosion not seen since a 14-year-old boy spent a little too long in the bathroom with Marcus Semien (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs), hitting his 15th homer. Hey, just had a thought, whatever happened with George Springer? Never the hoo! The next big orbital sphere outside the IncomingTripleCrownium gravitational pull was two homers from Teoscar Hernandez (3-for-6, 6 RBIs, 9th and 10th homer). I already took the L on my Teoscar schmohawk post, though, if being honest, I think I might’ve taken that L a bit prematurely. Guess we’ll see. Or we already saw. See? Saw? Get off the bench, Miguel Sano, I’m trying to get down! Next up on the flow chart of planets moving around IncomingTripleCrownium is Lourdes Gurriel Jr. (3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer). Please get hot, Lou-Gu-Ju, please. Then, if we’re counting orbital rings, like the toilet in my college dorm, Bo Bichette (4-for-5, 5 runs, 3 RBIs) grabbed a slam (13) and legs (8), and is it going to be weird when I try to draft two Blue Jays hitters in the first five picks next year? Finally, two smaller planets, that many confuse for large rocks, Rowdy Tellez (1-for-1, 2 RBIs, and his 4th homer) and Cavan Biggio (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 5th homer. To celebrate Biggio’s return, his father Craig Biggio called him after the game to tell him, “Stick your elbow pad into a pitch or change the name on your jersey.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Steven Matz – Hit the Covid IL. Okay, be well and stay the eff away from IncomingTripleCrownium.
Martin Perez – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.52. The BJs showed Martin how much he sucked.
Bobby Dalbec – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and his 2nd home in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!
German Marquez – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.60. Grey’s Brain, “Marquez looked great at Coors last time out, but there’s no way you can start him there, but his next start is in a road game? We are going to own the day and the night!” Grey’s Brain is dumb.
Aristides Aquino – Was activated. I am the biggest fan of Aristides. I even nicknamed him the GGOATOAT, because he’s the Greatest GOAT of All-Time, but he needs actual playing time to be a difference maker in mixers, and needs to hit.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, as he bats 6th. Ya think anything clicked in David Bell’s peanut brain when he took a guy who was hitting leadoff and moved him to the six hole? Like, I don’t know, maybe that he shouldn’t have ever been hitting leadoff.
Tony Santillan – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, as he was called up. Doesn’t Santillan sound like a secret society of lizard people? No? Maybe it’s me. Any hoo! He’s way too wild to mess with until we see something. Didn’t even grab him in my NL-Only leagues.
Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Apple juice should always be served in a sippy cup.”
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and 2nd leadoff homer in two days. MLB manager’s brain, “Great, he’s hitting well as leadoff! Let’s keep him there!” Normal adult brain, “He’s hitting home runs, and has always been a home run hitter, move him into a run-producer spot of the lineup.”
Isaac Paredes – 0-for-2. Called up recently, and Paredes has been playing regularly. If only Ethel Merman was around to see it. RIP you queen. Paredes has great contact skills (13% strikeout rate in the minors), but zero speed and barely any power. He’s twinsies with the Twins’ Arraez.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Almost pitched his 2nd no-hitter of the season, and, if you’re wondering, his peripherals aren’t saying he’s much worse than a 2.00 ERA pitcher. It’s like people get Men In Black mind-wiped each March, and forgot about these insane pitching years that they could’ve had for essentially free in drafts.
Zach Thompson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Take your index finger and point it into your chest. Now say, “I can be a top 50 starter for fantasy, if I were in the Miami Marlins’ system.” Anyone know if Dave Duncan retired to Miami and is sprinkling some magical fantasy dust down there? Thompson has great command, but as mediocre as stuff gets. I put in a bid in NL-Only leagues, but wouldn’t go near in mixers, yet at least.
Austin Riley – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .299. Au-Riley hit that one off my pitcher, Pab-Lo, and I exclaimed, “Aw, really?” Then took a nap, it was a lot to take.
Corbin Burnes – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.13. This start was vs. the Pirates, and I didn’t see it because I was carrying shopping bags at the factory outlets — by the way, factory outlets are not stores that sell factories, who knew? — but since I didn’t see this game, I can only imagine how Burnes was beat by the Pirates. Bloopers and weak grounders that went for singles because the Brewers’ fielders forgot to take the field.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .241. On the Brewers, he may as well be hitting .375. Is Yelich even playing for them anymore? Yelich has 15 homers, and is hitting .225 — in the last two seasons combined!
Yordan Alvarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (1), hitting .302. Captain Woo Cubano needs to team up with Cyndi Lauper and record a song, Game After Game (I Homer). If a pitcher fades, and I need to homer for Grey…
Kyle Tucker – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .268. Whether Tucker was worth his draft price tag will be debated by pundits for years to come, but thinking about taking George Springer instead of Tucker makes me want to dive into a pool, and drink a beer while submerged, so it feels very existential.
Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Now Valdez has Predator xFIP.
Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .197. *removes half of eyeglasses, so I’m only wearing a monocle* That’s better.
Max Muncy – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. The minimum amount time he’ll miss is three weeks. The Max? Yeah, Muncy.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.64. This start was in one of the easiest matchups in baseball, home vs. the Rangers. Bauer’s ERA in his last three starts is 4.74. See Anime Grey in the video at the top of the page for more on Bauer. Oh, and: This past week had the lowest spin rate of any week this season, and batting averages are up and strikeouts are down.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 7th homer. Mookie Best!
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and his 15th steal, hitting .294. Just the ol’ 35-steal pace from your catcher in Yahoo leagues. ACKCHUALLY, I’d take that from my shortstop in any leagues.
Jackson Kowar – 1 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 36.00. Would I start JacKo anywhere? Sure, in Neverland.
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .283. Starting to feel like the Kikuchi of hitters. He keeps doing well, but then I look at his overall numbers and I get the meh face.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Not sure which one of youse Chapman is spiting, and lit a fire under his butt, but he’s got a hot ass–Um…Well, he came alive this weekend.
Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 17th and 18th homer, hitting .289. ‘Member when I ranked him in the top 20 overall last year, and it seemed slightly crazy? Well, it didn’t happen then, but I knew it was in his bat. Just a Matt, er, of time.
Caleb Smith – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.61. Took me two-plus months to buy in and that’s what I got. Well played, Caleb.
Max Stassi – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, 3rd homer in his last six games, hitting in the three-hole, and it makes sense as he hits .339. Loved Stassi coming into this year, until he had hip surgery, then I backed off him, but, if he’s healthy, I’m 100% back in.
Patrick Sandoval – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Is he in the rotation? I didn’t ask you if he should be! Show yourself out. Okay, now that we got rid of the troublemakers, is Sandoval in the rotation? Hmm, I don’t know either, but he should be. Sandoval’s prolly better than half the Angels’ rotation, but might be needed in relief.
Jared Walsh – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .293. Such a great call for a preseason sleeper, that I totally didn’t draft anywhere because I’m an idiot.
Trent Grisham – 0-for-2 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I don’t know who complained, but I’ve removed the three baby pools from around my desk.”
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .279. Imagine FTJ with two working shoulders.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .242. Machado feels overdue, but he also feels like he can either turn it on or not, and has nothing to do whether he’s getting hot. Way more up to his whims.
Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Wish I could say I saw this pitching line and I was like, “Awesome, get in my lineup and it’s off to your next start,” but I 100% checked the Streamonator, i.e., I don’t trust Paddack in every start.
Luis Severino – Left Saturday’s rehab start with the help of trainers. Unfortunately, this isn’t a blurb brought to you by a Brit, and I don’t mean trainers as in sneakers. Severino has a significant groin strain, and that’s likely a six-week setback.
Jameson Taillon – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.74. Maybe, just maybe, the Pirates were trading away Glasnow in a terrible trade, so they could move other pieces, and other teams would think they’re chumps. The rope-a-dope of trading.
Domingo German – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.88. Domingo translates to Sunday; Sunday in German is Sonntag, and yesterday he was Sonntagged. See how that works?
Aaron Nola – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.69. That seems impossible. A 2.69, I understand. How does a 3.69 work?
Shane Bieber – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.28. “Bieber getting bodied by the Mariners” isn’t something I had on my bingo card. For a bingo, I do have “Cody Bellinger hits like at least a third round pick” and the priest isn’t ever calling that, is he? By the by, Bieber’s curve spin was down 300 RPMs, and he gave up multiple homers on his curve for the first time in his career.
Logan Gilbert – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.13. It’s funny how some confidence, and a few borderline calls can make someone look drastically better. Gilbert looked great yesterday, after being around the plate, and getting those calls. I’d give him another chance, but as the Streamonator tells us, his next start is iffy at best.
Dylan Moore – 1-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. D. Moore is no perfect 10, but he might get you some steals.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer. All those years of getting birthday cards from his mom saying, “We love Corey more,” has truly paid off.
Mitch Haniger – Left yesterday’s game after fouling a ball off his knee. “Listen, Mitch, I’m Doctor Needlekuss, and I’ve been brought in to try an experimental surgery.” Mitch, interested, perks up, “What’s that, doc?” “To avoid further injury to your testicles, I want to sew them to your knee.”