Yoenis Cespedes went 3-for-5 with his 31st homer and, like, his 12th homer in the past week. Doode’s straight combustible heat. Like a fatty steak on the grilling heat. Uh-oh, I feel my rap altar ego, B-Fire, coming on. Cannot stop the blaze. Like a Scottish sheep, I can’t stand here, I gotta graze. Between Monday and Tuesday is a hidden day called Muesday, between Monday and Sunday is all Grey’s days. I watch a Merchant-Ivory period flick with my piece, because I’m strapped and going through a phase. Shh, it’s my Victorian secret. Whomp, there’s another Yoenis hit. Cepedes is so on-lock it’s like he’s got a hundred legs all stuck in tar pits. For my Def Poetry Jam audition tape, this I will submits. I liked About Schmidt, but why Kathy Bates gotta get out of the tub naked with her flabby– Nah, I need to quit. So, on the year, Yoenis has a line of 93/31/92/.298/7 and is nearly top five for all players on our Player Rater, not just top five outfielders, and, for 2016, it’s going to be real hard to knock him down much past the 2nd round. Unless, of course, the Padres get their grubby mitts on him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jon Niese – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. If he were a racehorse, they’d say he lost yesterday by a nose. Only when you’re speaking about his nose, it’s actually a very far distance.
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-2 and his 13th homer. I must confess, I actually own Johnson in one deep league and I’ve been relatively happy with him. Then again, in that league, I’m in eighth place out of ten teams and I have very little to be happy about. It’s what happens when you draft in February and one of your top players at the time was Wilin Rosario. Yay, early drafts.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. It’s too bad he’s not playing every day, because he gives me a Billy Butler-sized chub.
Stephen Strasburg – Will start on Wednesday. That news should be delivered by Dr. Huzienga, the doctor on The Biggest Loser that tells contestants that they have a 40% chance of a heart attack by Wednesday.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, which comes after an August where he had a 6.43 ERA. I could sit here and say he’s been unlucky and this was a tough opponent, but I’m not sitting and you don’t care about luck with your ace, you care about results. Damn, with authoritative sentences like that I could run for prez.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, a grand salami. Or as they call it in Italy, “super-sata.”
Jayson Werth – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Has a nine-game hitting streak with three homers, and hitting near-.350 in the last week. For what it’s Werth, he’s Werth a lot right now.
Stephen Vogt – Didn’t play yesterday after a foul ball hit him in the groin on Sunday. An ultrasound showed no groin ruptures. *slowly crosses legs* Ouch, sounds like a bad case of jockular sphincteritis.
Mark Canha – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and third homer in the past week. Hot schmotato alert!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Watch Lawrie finally break out next year at the age of 26. I don’t really mean that. Or do I?! No, I don’t.
Billy Burns – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 26th steal. Okay, everyone on the A’s is currently hot. Maybe cause on the top of them is Burns. Pun points!
Sean Doolittle – 1 IP, 0 ER and 1st save. Not bad for a 15th round draft pick! Actually, awful! So, I officially dropped Pomeranz, that dog, in every league, because Doolittle not only got the save yesterday, but was used after Pomeranz on Sunday too.
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Some days he shows no Fiers and some days he lights Fiers to your ratios. It’s da bomb or it’s in need of balm.
Carlos Correa – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .281. Oh, and that’s 17 homers in only 275 at-bats. Oh, Part II: Oh, There’s More, he’s only 20 years old. *Homer sees donut-type drool*
Jake Marisnick – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (18), after hitting a pinch-hit home run on Sunday, so, obviously, we got ourselves a hot schmotato here. I’d love to see what Jake 1961 could do with everyday playing time over the course of a season. I think he could be as good as Souza, though I’m not sure if that’s a compliment.
Kolten Wong – Sat out yesterday with tightness in his calf, which stinks but is less awkward than just general tightness for Wong.
Lance Lynn – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Seems like Lynn always has these random blow ups, but NOW IS NOT THE TIME! Caps not for emphasis or aesthetics but because I was slamming my fist onto the keyboard.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Guess how many steals he has. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *scratches chin, taps finger, prints out picture of Cara Delevingne, tapes picture to Cougs’ face while she’s napping, she wakes, I drag my pillow and a guest blanket to the couch for later* He has 17 steals! Yes, a 17/17 guy is a top 75 guy overall. Member when I kept telling you to pick him up in April? You should’ve listened.
Kyle Schwarber – Took light swings in the batting cage yesterday, which was later described in a one-panel cartoon as a Schwingber.
Addison Russell – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. In the beginning of the year, Maddon said he was trying to alleviate pressure from Russell by batting him ninth. In all seriousness, I can’t wait to hear his excuse next year when he bets him ninth.
Dan Haren – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Not bad for a guy that wanted to retire back in February. “Hey, that’s my schtick!” I know, A.J. Burnett.
Ryan Raburn – 2-for-2 and two solo homers (6, 7). If you streamed him, well played. Now Raburn after using.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.47 as he outdueled Chris Sale (7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks). Bauer got the best of that Labor Day Sale, now what the hell is he going to do with all of these 25% off mattresses? For Bauer’s next start, he’s home vs. the Tigers and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t hate it, but SON’s got Bauer goggles, because I wouldn’t go near it.
Adam LaRoche – Was a late scratch yesterday due to a sore knee. Show of hands who thought this schmohawk retired. Okay, hands down, I don’t need to see your yellow armpits.
J.J. Hardy – Will be activated from the DL on Tuesday. He better, not much time left for him to get injured again. I Hardy knew you!
Wei-Yin Chen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Well, we had three good months and now it’s kaput. Sorta like your marriage.
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. You know this past preseason was the last time you’re gonna be able to draft Machado later than the 2nd round for the next eight years, right?
Adam Jones – 0-for-4, but left with shoulder soreness. He was seen grimacing in the dugout. Funny, cause I’ve been grimacing all year from owning him.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Can I draft him for 2016 yet? I don’t want anyone else Schoop’ing him.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Out of three starts since his DL stint, he’s had one decent game. I’m not telling you what to do…Actually, I am, that’s why you’re reading. I like Pineda in the big picture, but the small picture says there’s about three weeks left and I’d look elsewhere.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-5 and his 29th homer. Only 726 clean homers to tie Hank Aaron.
Greg Bird – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Now when you flip someone the bird in New York, you’re showing your support for the Yankees instead of just driving.
Mike Leake – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER. That’s not a Leake, that’s a full on flood.
Joe Panik – 1-for-1, 1 run as he returned from the DL, but didn’t start. If you were waiting for Panik, now’s the time to.
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Did you hear that Pollock thought the Diamondbacks were trying to trade him? He saw on his manager’s desk Polish remover.
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Definitely going on the short list of players I’m going to be looking at owning next year. That’s not the same list with Altuve, by the way.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. When he homers, I feel like shielding The Sciosciapath’s eyes so he doesn’t remember about Cron and hence bench him. Nothing to see here, Sciosciapath, just some guy hitting. Go back to raging at a pitch in the dirt not being blocked properly.
Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA up to 1.68. Geez, what a bum!
Scott Van Slyke – 4-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs as he batted eighth and, batting ninth, Joc Pederson (3-for-4). If only no one told Mattingly which way to hold the lineup card, they might’ve been batting at the top.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. JB and I talk about JB Jr. on our podcast yesterday, and no, JB doesn’t have a kid already. Specifically about how Bradley’s hitting close to .400 in the last month. Somebody needs to start defrosting Ted Williams’s head.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s cooled off a lot since he first came up, like one hit every four games cold. Don’t have time for those kind of slumps right now, i.e., Pshaw.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Right now, Betts is sitting around the top 50 in overall fantasy value. Due to his speed and power combo, he’s going to be hard to not rank very high next year. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge, kazoo* Next year’s huge breakout.
Rick Porcello – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Blue Jays. You have larger trouser oranges than I if you started him in that game. The Stream-o-Nator likes his next start a tiny bit and I would start him there, which likely means he’s going to get bombed out like a tented house.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 37th homer. F5!
Justin Smoak – 1-for-2 and his 14th homer. Still not too late to get to 30 homers, JayWrong! Speaking of Mr. Wrong, today is the last day to draft for our fantasy football leagues. There’s a few spots open. Get it!
Hector Olivera – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Is it too late to get on the hype train for next year? No, of course, it’s not. We have 5 months, 24 days, 17 hours and 34 minutes until I can draft a team again without Sandoval. But who’s counting!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. I was beginning to think he didn’t see I said to drop him last week. *nervous laughter, faceplam*
Shawn Tolleson – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. I don’t mentioned closers usually when they’re in no jeopardy of losing their job, but I just wanted to say Tolleson has 30 saves. Aroldis only has 29 saves!
Aaron Hicks – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. I was wondering why people were asking me about picking him up yesterday. I see, said the blind man as he walked into the door. Yeah, and Hicks doesn’t have a multi-hit game since August 12th, so you can grab him, but I wouldn’t say he’s hot yet. Definitely worth cyclops’ing.
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs as he batted ninth. You can try and stall the schmotato, but you can’t stall the Eduardo. (Though, in all seriousness, what the eff in the effhole is he doing batting ninth?)
Yordano Ventura – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 8 Ks. He should be starring in the Head & Shoulders commercials with C.J. Wilson, because dude is flaky as all get out. He was coming off two insanely good starts vs. tough opponents, then he looks Cousin Dumbass against the Twins.
Billy Hamilton – Expected back today from Double-A Pensacola, which should just go ahead and sell its naming rights to Pepsi Cola.
Anthony DeSclafani – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Anthony Mundane keeps rolling, but I have nothing but reservations about him.
Victor Martinez – Sat out yesterday with an illness. WebMD says he’s suffering from suckitude.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (5, 6). After the game, the King of SAGNOF was fed grapes by Gose that were recently stepped on by Miggy.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Yesterday was obviously a holiday. Oh, and it was Labor Day.
J.P. Arencibia – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in the past week. He was in last Friday’s Buy column because he’s hot and, with Arencibia, hot can also be considered spicy.
Drew Smyly – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.15 since he’s returned from the DL about a month ago. Fun fact! If Smyly texts Domino’s his name, he gets a large cheese pizza.
Kyle Kendrick – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks as he pitchslapped Ian Kennedy (5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks). The chances of Ian Kennedy hitting a homer off of Kendrick or vice versa this year had to be close to 100%.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. In celebrity gossip news, Kemp is dating Charlene Tilton, the Rihanna of San Diego.
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks. Davies is totally underrated. I loved him as Daniel Faraday. Oh, that’s Jeremy Davies. Zach Davies has one great start and one terrible start since he was traded from the O’s for Parra. Davies throws around 89 MPH, which means he needs to have pinpoint control and, even then, he won’t strikeout a ton of guys.
Khris Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. That’s in only 307 ABs. For those bad at math, that prorates to 84 homers in a season. (Shh, don’t tell the people that are bad at math it doesn’t.)
Jose Fernandez – Hopes to return for Saturday’s game. Please, someone stop him before it’s too late. The Marlins don’t need him, he doesn’t need the start and the one Marlin fan can deal.
Justin Nicolino – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. I almost streamed him yesterday. Thank God for small miracles, which sounds like every show on TLC.
