On a treadmill, Billy Beane screaming at Jonah Hill, “Get me Starling Marte!” as he presses the speed faster and faster. Now, he’s at a brisk pace that could be described as, “Miguel Sano rolling downhill.” Jonah Hill, knowing he has to do as his boss says, or risk being fired, trades Jesus Luzardo for Starling Marte and that’s when…The music rises. All we see is a bandana tied around the back of a head. Tight close-up and we see a finger wave. Another close-up and we see someone putting their hand to ear to hear crowd noise. A little kid stands on a chair, and points, “Mah gawd, that’s Kim Ng’s music!” It is her, and she just fleeced Billy Beane. Yo, yo, YO YO YO, how do you trade a Starling Marte rental for Jesus Luzardo? The Marlins will show you how. Jesus Luzardo can be an ace as soon as next year and Marte? Well, who knows where he’ll be next year. Crazy value there for the Marlins. That’s how you do rebuilding and why I was giving such crap to the Pirates the other day over Adam Frazier. Though, giving crap to the Pirates is fun. They like it too, right? Pirates like anything to do with booty. As for Marte in his new home, welp, that park sucks, but it’s not like Crayola Canyon is a great park, and Marte’s more of a five-category performer than reliant on power. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sean Manaea – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.01. I’m not going to mention how some of you were dropping him after he opened the season with one bad start, except for this non-mention.
Blake Snell – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.44. Does it matter if he’s home? Doesn’t matter. Does it matter if he’s healthy? Doesn’t matter. Does it matter who his opponent is? Doesn’t matter. All that matters is if he’s in my fantasy lineup.
Yimi Garcia – Traded to the Astros. Can’t believe Yimi’s no longer in Miami. Guess they’re now, M.I.A.-Yimi. Did I nail it or did I totally nail it?! Huh?! No? Yeah, fair. Anthony Bender would be my grab in Miami, but Dylan Floro is there. As for the Astros, well, not just doubleheaders, but all Astros games are gonna be 7-inning games now.
Myles Straw – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and two steals (16, 17). Drink up my fantasy milkshake with that Straw! Drink it up!
Abraham Toro – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs a slam (8) and legs (4), and 2nd homer in as many games. Okay, he really does know the Astros’ signs, so am I joking when I say that or no? Whatever the case, if he’s playing, that fish can swim! (Hot schmotato.)
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. Must not hurt to have some fresh fished competition with Toro in Seattle. Seager is seeing red, and Toro is chasing him.
Joey Gallo – Acquired by the Yankees. “Fuggedaboutit, my Yanks just acquired My Cousin Vinny!” “What are you tawkin bout? They got Joey Gallo!” “That’s what I’m tawkin’ bout!” This then goes on for ten minutes until the gravy is ready.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 29, 2021
Joey Gallo in the Bronx is interesting, but Joey Gallo can hit a home run in rural Alabama; he’s not going to homer in Yankee Stadium? I get a little excited about the thought of Judge, Giancarlo and Gallo going back-to-back-to-back, even if I roster none of them. But this shizz never works out as you think. Gallo’s gonna hit .220, because he always hits .220 and he’ll hit some bombs, because he always hits some bombs. Putting a guy with the most raw power from the left side in that dinky short porch fence park does give the feels of an incoming 25 homers in the final two months. Personally, I can’t believe the Yankees are moving on from Ryan LaMarre. He was so good in 2012.
Eduardo Escobar – Acquired by the Brewers. “It’s time for Edu.Escobar to school you on the fun stuff!” That’s Escobar going north for Narcos: Milwaukee. Bringing the sniffy-sniffy to the drinky-drinky, Escobar knows how to party! The Brewers acquired Escobar, saying they can see him playing 1st base. “How can they not see me?” asked Rowdy Tellez. On the reals, the Brewers might be the only team ever to acquire a 1st baseman, not play him, then turn around and acquire another 1st baseman. Brewers about to go out and get Freddie Freeman, aren’t they? So, Escobar’s value goes up a little with this trade: Better park. Lineup’s garbage but so was his last one. In Arizona, this is good news for Asdrubal Cabrera’s playing time. The bad news is it’s Asdrubal Cabrera.
Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.69, in 70 pitches. So hard to trust Houser, Lauer and FreddyKBB right now without knowing how many innings any are going to throw.
Rodolfo Castro – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, as he now plays 2nd base for the Pirates. He has only five hits in his career. Meaning: He’s only homered! Hahahahahahaha–WHAT?! Yesterday, on a 2-0 pitch from Josh Hader, Castro guessed slider and hit a home run. What kind of lunatic guesses slider on a 2-0 pitch from Josh Hader? Rodolfo Ruth, that’s who. He did have 11 homers (and six steals!) in 207 minor league at-bats this year, while hitting .300. Prolly can do worse in deeper leagues.
Trea Turner – Nats-Phils game was postponed, due to Covid. The Nats have 12 positives, including four players. Next time, you might want to let a guy get Covid with a slower sprint speed. Okay, make it make sense: They banged last night’s game, but they let players start playing the night before prior to having Covid test results.
Garrett Cooper – Out for the year, opting for surgery on his UCL tear. Worst case of Gamelitis since Mat Gamel.
Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. Is he still a Marlin? How about now? Now? What about now?
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. Truly an aspiring story this year for Mancini, which gets you a Sunday morning local news story, so that ain’t helping us, but his fantasy value definitely is, as he ranks right in the top 20 for outfielders on the Player Rater.
Austin Riley – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer, and third homer in two games. By any chance, did Riley get taught hitting by Justin Upton or Adam Duvall? Austin Riley is like the personification of a hot streak.
Tylor Megill – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.04. With guys being shut down or limited all over the league, pitchers like Megill are going to win and lose people fantasy leagues.
Mychal Givens – Reds acquired him from the Rockies. It almost didn’t happen, because the Reds were asking for him, and Rockies kept demanding manners. “Who do you want?” “Givens.” “What do you say?” “Givens?” “What do you say?” “Please?” “That’s right.” The Reds are such a shizz show of a pen that I wouldn’t be half-shocked to see Givens get saves.
Joey Votto – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, and now five straight games with a home run. Since the All-Star Break, Votto has eight homers; the Rangers have four. At the All-Star Game, Liam Hendriks stood on the mound, cussing a blue streak. From his Australian-accented “Holy Shizzballs,” emerged a small kangaroo that was named Joey, and that “Holy Shizzballs” Joey grew into Joey Votto.
Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.71. T. Mahle’s been riding my ratios hard and putting them away wet, but I do try to maintain hope.
Jared Walsh – Hit the IL with an intercostal strain. How did he strain the road that runs north and south in Florida? My guess is he’s out until September, but I honestly didn’t hear the severity of the strain.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 37th homer, hitting .280. Barry Bonds WHO?! Sorry, I was just reading about Barry Bonds, then suddenly the World Health Organization.
Max Stassi – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Meh, like every catcher he’s hitting for a bad average. Which is what I say to fool you. He’s hitting .306.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. All the trades are happening and Story’s like Santa’s Little Helper tiptoeing past the TV, trying to get other teams’ attention.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7Ks, ERA at 3.67. Would be a wild ride to get there, but, if Giolito gets to 3.30 ERA by year’s end, it’s kinda exactly what we expected.
Eloy Jimenez – Left yesterday’s game with groin tightness. *smoking five cigarettes at once* I don’t know if I can go on.
Anthony DeSclafani – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.10. It stands to reason if a whole pitching staff was in the same team bus, they’d all get to the costume ball late together, and would all simultaneously turn into pumpkins.
Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.19, moving his record to 11-1. Um, are people talking about how good his season is? Buehler…Anyone?
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and four homers in the last week. Tally Vaarseho!
Joakim Soria – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.30. Sick of watching Arizona’s saves go unclaimed on waivers, I bit the bullet and grabbed Soria in a few leagues. So. Dot dot dot. Yesterday, Tyler Clippard (1 IP, 0 ER) got his 1st save. Don’t laugh at me, it’s hurtful.
Kwang-Hyun Kim – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.31. The Regression Fairies love what you did with your hair and hate your f**king fantasy team.
Dylan Carlson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Between him and Bader, who’s hotter? Not to answer but to lightly touch both and see which one sizzles louder.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer. He’ll be in Friday’s Buy column — which is already available on Patreon — as he was in last week’s and the previous week’s and, well, perhaps you should get your bangs cut because you’re missing stuff right in front of your face.
Franmil Reyes – 3-for-3 and his 18th and 19th homer. The $54 Vending Machine Steak needs to eat!
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Such a bummer to think all his fantasy value was lost when Lindor was traded. Brutal news.
Zach Plesac – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Guardians jumped out to a big early lead and Plesac cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.
Wily Peralta – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.64 vs. J.A. Happ – 3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.77. “Maybe I should just see what kind of deals he’s talking about?” That’s Wily Peralta after hearing Just Awful Happ had some extra Just Awful he could sell him.
Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and three homers in four games. Rooker about to Wally Pipp Buxton out of a job. Kidding. Take it easy. Rooker is a hot schmotato though.
Max Kepler – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Kepler is in that file of players like Soler and Springer, and not just because his name ends with -er. He could be better in the 2nd half than he was in the 1st.
Miguel Sano – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer. Get ready for seven homers in ten days from Sano.
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Never forget Adam Duvall became Grichuk 2.0, but without Grichuk 1.0 there would be no Grichuk 2.0. Haha, am I talking nonsense or do you follow? I’m saying Grichuk gets hotter than a witch’s areola.
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.04, waist 34″, inseam 17″, ass crack visible from space. Can Robbie Ray get some looser-fitting pants or no? Or put on some pants over your pants!