Such a weird week of Jodie Foster references at Razzball, and we’re only to Wednesday. What will be tomorrow? Joe Panik Room? Okay, raise your hand if you saw Starling Marte being suspended for Nandrolone. The one person raising his or her hand is the person supplying Marte with Nandrolone. Take ’em away, boys! I just made my 2nd imaginary arrest. My first was when I imagined arresting Ben Carson for driving with his eyes closed. This is like Pollock 2016 all over again, except instead of breaking his elbow; Marte broke our trust. As punishment, Starling Marte should get an 80-game suspension or a “We were all rooting for you” Tyra GIF tattooed on his back. I think Gregory Popolanco turned him in, with help from Freese. Adam Frazier will get a regular job in the outfield since the Pirates said Austin Meadows isn’t ready yet. Bee oh oh. Boo. I grabbed Meadows in all mixed leagues for the sheer excitement, but within about an hour I realized Meadows is unlikely coming up until at least June and dropped him. As for Marte, you can likely lose him in most redraft leagues, and, for some of us, we’re having a “Don’t have Marte” party! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Mike Leake – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 0.84. His K/9 is under 6. Granted, his BB/9 is under 1, but c’mon. You’re not getting excited about Leake unless you’re an 80-year-old man on prostate medicine. (By the way, I know by telling you not to Google something will make you Google it, but don’t Google prostate. The see-through jeans picture is something you never need to see. It’s like X-ray plumbing.)
Clay Buchholz – Will likely miss the rest of the season after having surgery on his flexor pronator mass. During the surgery, the doctor remarked, “Why does it smell like coconuts? Is someone wearing suntan lotion?”
Howie Kendrick – Hit the DL. Daniel Nava (1-for-6, 2 RBIs) and Aaron Alterr (1-for-1, run and RBI) will fill in, or simply Navterr, and we all know Navterr is a total failure!
Steven Matz – The Mets said that Matz will begin throwing, then they discreetly coughed, adding, “With his feet.”
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.52. Was pretty inefficient throwing 99 pitches in five innings, so he’s got 99 pitches and a problem with inefficiency! Jay-Z just shuddered.
Blake Treinen – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 7.11. I wouldn’t be surprised if Dusty has already made Shawn Kelley the closer and just hasn’t told anyone. Should’ve known to avoid Treinen when I kept wanting to call him Balk. If Shawn Kelley (2/3 IP, 0 ER, and the save) is available, grab him.
Sonny Gray – Will start a rehab assignment on Saturday at High-A Stockton. Fun fact! Stockton, California borders Malone and it’s known as the Jazz Belt, and the best sushi place in both towns is the Pick & Roll.
Andrew Triggs – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Triggser Warning! What you are about to read may be infuriating. Triggs outpitched Yu Darvish (5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.28). Of course, Triggs’ peripherals say he’s actually a terrible pitcher, but peripherals can wash my behind after a Tough Mudder because I own him!
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Salami Tom!
Shelby Miller – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Okay, okay, but it was against the 1927 Padres. In 1927, Padres weren’t playing baseball, they were making Trappist beer at orphanages.
Chris Iannetta – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. I’m the only one who wants Chris Herrmann to be the D-Backs catcher, aren’t I?
Martin Prado – Out of the lineup yesterday, blaming his calf. His calf said moo!
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 0 Hits, 2 Walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.94. Sonavabench! But he was so bad up until now! Ugh, so I guess I need to Wei-Yin on Chen after a seven-inning no hitter. First, did Don Mattingly not know it was a no hitter? He couldn’t let him at least try to go another inning? He was only at 100 pitches. Don Mattingly throws logic out the window, then the wind blows it back in so it doinks him in the head. Chen is a home streamer still, and I’d be careful with him in his next start in Philly.
Justin Bour – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in four games. Hitting .163 on the season, but might be heating up. I’d give him a whirl if struggling at corner infidel.
Jean Segura – Cleared for rehab games. I’m old enough to remember when they called rehab games, softball after AA meetings.
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. I’m going to put my historical newspaper collection right by the window while I go to the bathroom– NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .128. Yup, the struggle has been real, but I’ve been trying to buy him low everywhere. Coors won’t allow anyone to struggle for too long.
Matt Andriese – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Due to the Stream-o-Nator, I streamed him (go figure!). Also, due to this, I watched him pitch. Let’s just say I enjoyed streaming him more than watching him. What a snoozefest! How many 85 MPH gakkers can one man throw?
Tim Beckham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Could be a light schmotato in deeper leagues until Matt Duffy returns.
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. His back stiffened up the other day, which forced him out of the lineup, but then returned and his front stiffened up when he saw a 85-MPH meatball in the 1st inning.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .365. I’d give everything I hold dear for a middle infielder that is hitting. Wait, Cougs, why are you leaving with an Arab guy dressed like Aladdin? What have I done?!
Miguel Sano – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. In related news, Buxton is now batting .085 after another 0-for-4. Someone should buy Buxton a VCR and a Fred McGriff/Tom Emanski hitting instructional tape.
Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 4.26. Looked better than his 1st game debacle, but four walks to three Ks still looks like he has his Faultywirenewicz crossed. In most mixed leagues, I’d wait for more.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.37 and WHIP at 0.86. Yeah, that knuckle is really bothering him. About as much as his built-in 3-D glasses he calls eyes.
Gary Sanchez – Will resume throwing on Wednesday, and has already begun swinging a bat with his healthy arm. Now if he can chew gum and pat his head with his other hand, I’ll be impressed.
Luis Severino – 8 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks and 10 Ks. For those slow on the uptake and have problems getting the straw in your Capri Sun, ten strikeouts and zero walks is ownable. It doesn’t matter his ERA is 4.05.
Miguel Gonzalez – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Real question: is he the guy that used to go by Mike Gonzalez? Miguel Alfredo Gonzalez? Miguel Miguel Gonzalez? If I’m looking at the right player page, there’s nothing to see outside of matchups.
Jose Abreu – 0-for-4, hitting .157. He should be hitting .187, because, when he comes to the plate, he’s dead on arrival.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .440. If him and Mike Trout are filming a body-switch movie, I never want it to end.
Sal Romano – Optioned to the minors. The Reds said Romano looked likely to top off the marginal-rita pizza.
Eugenio Suarez – Sat out yesterday with a stiff neck. He got a Viagra lodged in his throat.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .286. In my projections, I have him down for 34 homers. 30 more to go!
Joey Votto – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .235. Obviously, he’s saving his singles for the 2nd half (trips to the strip club).
Darren O’Day – Will share closer duties with Brad Brach while Britton is out, and Britton says his arm is already feeling better. This went from a “save vulture revolution said like a Nicaraguan that had me spraying NRG on my sheer top” to meh.
Kevin Gausman – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.23. Someone check Travelocity, because Gausman needs a Disgraceful List trip.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Member after his last start when I said maybe he turned a corner? Well, he did, and kept going and turned another corner and ended up right back where he started.
Keon Broxton – 0-for-3, hitting .132. Props to you if you can stay strong, but I finally threw in the towel. I might go back at some point, but I just can’t with the oh-for-seasons. They’re killing me.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1). So, the Brewers basically make everyone sexy. Well, except the actual sexy ones like Domingo, Broxton and Arcia. Oh, my bad, Orlando; he homered last night as he hits .196.
Brett Anderson – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. I was thisclose to streaming him. Whew, I just exhaled like I was a strong black woman in Jamaica getting her groove back after a nasty divorce.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .241. “Ma, I’m going into my room for a solid five minutes and I don’t want to be interrupted,” said every Cubs fan after Schwarber’s home run.
Miguel Montero – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .278. I’m not saying this will happen, but Maddon’s crazy enough to suddenly make Montero his starting catcher. Wait, Montero’s started the last three games. Maybe that’s already happened.
George Springer – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. He tied Eric Ruth Thames for the major league lead in homers. (Yes, when saying Thames’ name like that it should read Justice Eric Ruth Thames.)
Yulieski Gurriel – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .268. Why does it feel like the only people who still own Gurriel in mixed leagues have already abandoned their teams for fantasy bass fishing?
Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.87. He sounds like a fantasy bass fisherman. “I can’t believe I drafted Joe Musgrove when Salmon Finowski was still on the board!”
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .204. I mentioned this on the podcast yesterday, but I trust Pujols to give exactly what he always does: 27+ HRs, .255, decent runs and RBIs. Wish I could say I trust Abreu much more. I hate Jose Abreu!
Matt Cain – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31 vs. Jason Hammel – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.60. I can’t imagine anyone actually owns either of these guys in mixed leagues, and they shouldn’t. These are the kind of guys you pick up because you’re sitting on the toilet too long and you’re bored, so you pick up a few Cleveland Streamers. This advice was brought to you by Squatty Potty.
Raul Mondesi – 0-for-3, hitting .114. This was not the year to go late upside middle infielder.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .356. It’s a little bit, just a little bit, comical that he’s hitting .350+ and he feels like he’s started slow. Mookie Ballgame!
Mitch Moreland – 3-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .358. Why do I wish I owned Moreland instead of Jose Abreu? Is this a normal feeling?
Josh Donaldson – Reported that he will miss two to four weeks. I’ll give you a more exact timetable, he will miss four weeks. He was struggling with a calf injury in the preseason and it recurred within days. There’s no way he’s coming back within two weeks, and, if he does, he’s going to re-injure himself and then miss another few weeks. This is not new news (almost stutterer!).
Justin Smoak – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .270. When you see Smoak in the roundup, you might see fire soon, so stop, drop and roll to waivers for a power bat.
Russell Martin – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Catchers questions in 3, 2, 1…
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .314, as he continues to leadoff, six straight games with a hit and a homer in that time. Hot schmotato alert!
Marcus Stroman – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.05. *shuts storybook* …And that was when the Blue Jays’ season ended.
J.A. Happ – Hit the DL with inflammation in his elbow. Reports are saying it’s not believed to be serious. I say reports are a bunch of lying liars. One possible replacement for the Jays is Mat Latos, who is beyond bad. Another option is Lucas Harrell. Here’s my dog Ted telling you what he thinks of Lucas Harrell. Ted’s such a hater.
