“It’s an All-Star edition of Chopped! I’m your host, Ted Allen. Let’s meet the competitors. First up, Aaron Sanchez.” *hits fast forward button* “You know, I didn’t think you could put together such a great starter with turkey jerky, kumquats, Mallomars and boxed rice, but this sauce you made is divine.” Alex Guarnaschelli lifts the bowl and slurps. Geoffrey Zakarian, “I thought it could’ve used a bit more spice.” “Okay, GZ.” True Story Alert! My dog’s name is Ted, and the dog walker’s name is Allen, so in my phone I have him listed as Ted Allen. Whenever he calls, I yell out to Cougs, “I finally got on Chopped!” So, I started Aaron Sanchez and he threw a dazzler, 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. His 89th pitch was a 97 MPH fastball. Sign me up for some of that! I grabbed him off waivers in my RCL (no idea why he wasn’t owned), and I plan on starting him every time out, Stream-o-Nator be damned! To keep the runner at first, I’m gonna quick pitch this one. For the cost of four cups of coffee, you get the Stream-o-Nator. To buy stats for all major leaguers that helps the tools run costs us about $8,000. There’s a shizzton of man hours for Rudy to make the tools. A lot of it is a labor of love; we get that. No one is getting rich here; again, it’s all good. I don’t want to pay extra taxes anyway! Now, with that said (here comes a reversal!), I take the Stream-o-Nator with a grain of salt in April. Sample sizes need to grow. Ugh, that’s what she keeps saying! That’s the size of the sample, sweetheart. Please, don’t put me on the DL with a fractured ego. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. Is it just me or do you want to face swap Rougned Odor and Anthony Rizzo and put it on top Odorizzi’s shoulders? Okay, it’s me. Got it. I had some love for Odorizzi in the preseason, and, even aside from that, this game was home, where Odorizzi has a sub-3.00 ERA in his career.
Alex Colome – 2 IP, 0 ER and the win with the assist from Chase Utley. Here’s what I think is going on. Rays manager, Kevin Cash, likes that Colome can go multiple innings, but he also knows that he’s their best reliever. I look forward to the games when Colome comes into the bottom of the fifth for the 15-out save. For now, you have to hold Colome and Danny Farquhar for Rays saves.
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd home run. Now he would’ve been a sleeper. No one was drafting this doode. He left Coors and it was like he became radioactive, Imagine Dragons.
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Or I guess that’s Logan’s (home) Run. Egads, it’s dystopian! Thankfully, I could never see our country going that way. Assuming we get a giant wall put in place.
Kevin Gausman – Will make a rehab start on Saturday. Be interesting to see if the Orioles have room for him in the rotation. I mean, Jo Anne Worley’s son Vance, Mike Wright and Tyler Wilson are such huge hurdles Edwin Moses would struggle with them.
Evan Gattis – Will begin a rehab stint on Thursday as he works his way back from a hernia. Since he’ll be DH’ing, his hernia will be the only time he touches balls all year.
Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and double helping of legs (2). This Correa guy is putting up stats like he’s playing in Korea. Reminds me of that outfielder guy that plays for the Angels, but as a shortstop. What was his name again? Mike something? Think it was a fish.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. The Fangraphs Database will not tolerate another year where Keuchel’s ERA is below his xFIP. It just won’t.
Luke Gregerson – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save as Ken Giles went 1 IP and gave up a solo home run. A.J. Hinch said, “You never want to see one of your guys fail, but, if you have to, you hope he’s doing it while making you look smart.”
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Rudy loved (liked with stipulations?) Didi this draft season. Would Didi be the first guy ever to set career highs at 26 years old? Rhetorical!
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks in 87 pitches. Tanaka would’ve pitched deeper into the game but the pitching coach threw Tanaka’s elbow tendon against the wall and it stuck.
Bryan Mitchell – Out for four months with a fractured big toe. His other little piggies are gonna get fat and out of shape in the meantime.
Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-3, 1 run as he started at shortstop. Not sure if he will, but Diaz should be the shortstop from now until The Superfluous H returns, so take heed NL-Only’ers. I know, that might be the push off the ledge for the last remaining member of the Jedd Gyorko Fan Club. “He’s still young…relatively!”
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. “Jimmy, don’t jump, Gyorko just homered! Jimmmmmmmy!!!”
Michael Wacha – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. I told anyone that would listen to not draft Wacha. Saw a bunch of youse didn’t listen. Y’all a bunch of “Nay, Grey,” sayers!
David Freese – 2-for-5, 1 run. Oh, please, just get injured already so Polanco (1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) can hit third.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. He took a no hitter into the 5th inning and for about 90 minutes all of his owners were like, “No one wanted him, everyone was saying he was old, on his way to the twilight of his career. I’m gonna Twilight your neck and bite in it Verlander’s initials! I’m so brilliant for drafting him!” Then, “Well, he got a Quality Start, that’s not bad.”
Francisco Rodriguez – 1 IP, 3 ER and the epic meltdown. K-Rod hasn’t looked that bad since trying to make small talk with his father-in-law. I grabbed Mark Lowe (1 IP, 1 ER) in two leagues, just in case there’s more to K-Rod’s blown save than just rust.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st home run. Don’t get it twisted (I’m totally a millennial), Gose’s main category stimulation is steals, but he can put up a home run or seven.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run. I would trade Kinsler for anything. I don’t believe in trading for saves, but I would even trade Kinsler for saves. He leaves me so yawnstipated.
Wei-Yin Chen – 5 IP, 5 ER. Wei-Yin? That was worse than Pei Wei. I can see making an affordable Morton’s, but did we really need an affordable P.F. Chang’s?
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first home run. Starting the countdown right here. 49 more homers to go! C’mon, Hot Tush, get there!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Au Shizz!
Jean Segura – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I loved Segura for years. He finally bounces back and I don’t have him anywhere. That would be my luck.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 6 ER. How those offseason pitching moves look, Arizona?
Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 3rd home run. Can I go back to March and move him up to the top five overall? No? Why, retired DeLorean car dealer? Because you haven’t sold DeLoreans for 40 years? Oh.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. I think the Rockies players heard about the Coors Field changes, and they’re getting their licks in on the road like the Tootsie Pop owl. Fun fact! In Rwanda, the Tootsie Pop owl is at war with the Hutu Pop owl.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs as he bats eighth. Wasn’t a huge fan of LeMahieu in the preseason and batting eighth hurts his value a lot. If he’s hitting, he’s worth holding, but I wouldn’t keep him around long.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. How’s his 2nd half last year look now? Ain’t that a kick in the Jason LaRues.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. I mentioned this yesterday with Brandon Belt (1-for-4) and Matt Duffy (0-for-4, 1 RBI), but same holds true for Crawford. Didn’t seem like anyone wanted to draft any of these guys. Span (1-for-4, 1st steal) too, and Cueto and Casilla. Samardzija seemed to be the only one anyone wanted. Watch how that turns out.
Jose Quintana – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Five over-the-internet dollars says Quintana will have six Quality Starts by the end of May. Who wants some action?
Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I ended up drafting Frazier on a bunch of teams, because I felt like he was a 2nd rounder going in the 3rd round. How could he be a 2nd rounder? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because he hits 30+ HRs and steals 15 bags.
Jimmy Rollins – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. See what I say in exactly 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 1st home run. Also in this game, Robinson Cano (1-for-5) hit his 2nd home run. I think someone did the research on this previously, but it always seems to me that older players come out of the gate stronger because their legs are fresh, then they slow when the weather starts getting hot. There may or may not be anything to that. How’s that for insight!?
Seth Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and the Lisper’s Nightmare’s first homer. Thpectacular!
Hisashi Iwakuma – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks. He had one game the entire 2014 season where he walked three guys. The Dodgers sent Iwakuma back due to some hidden injury and I’m expecting Iwakuma to not make it past 120 IP.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. In the preseason, I said, “Last year’s numbers could absolutely be an aberration due to returning from Tommy John, but they were such an abomination that I can’t rank Perez’s abysmal ass any higher. The preceding sentence was brought you by the only words starting with ‘ab’ that I know. Somewhere, an abalone is shaking its head abjectly.” And that’s me quoting me! I’m still worried about Perez, and his start yesterday wasn’t incredible, but I’m like a cyclops with a monocle for him.
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Are there shirts in New York that read, “Go ‘gaard as a motherf**ker?” Cause I’d like to buy one if there is.
David Wright – 1-for-3 and two steals. Why would a guy with a degenerative spinal condition steal two bags in the 2nd game of the season? I have a theory. Wright knows he has 45 games tops that he can play this year and wants to be around for the pennant chase in September.
Chris Young – 5 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. Young came up big! I don’t mean clutch, I mean he grew to be seven feet tall.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Matt Szczur – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer as he played instead of Schwarber. Sorry, I need to reveal something. There is no actual player named Szczur. There’s 26 different outfielders in Chicago and Maddon just puts all their names into a Random Outfielder Generator.
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the 40 Minutes South of Los Angeles Angels. It’s a bit early to say this definitively, but the Angels’ offense looks like they might be the AL Padres. What happened to Arte Moreno throwing money at this team? Did he short Star Wars on the Hollywood Stock Exchange?
Mike Trout – 0-for-8 to start the season. What a bust!
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 5 Ks vs. Padres. Velocity problems are like elbows, everyone has them and they stink. I might have that cliche wrong. Obviously a good sign, but we’ll have to see how Kazmir does against a major league team.
Eduardo Rodriguez – On track to throw a simulated game on Sunday. Will depend if his Oculus Rift comes in the mail by then.
David Price – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Indians. Game time temperature was 34 degrees. But sunny! Talk about a lovely day in Cleveland. That’s an order. Talk about one, because I don’t know what it would be and I’m curious.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. First name: Mookie. Last name: The Bettest!
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 504th homer. Not this season, though that wouldn’t be a record; Bonds hit 517 in 2001.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-5, 1 run. Sandoval who?! The chubby one trying to get sap out of the maple bats with his teeth. I know, Random Italicized Voice. It’s a figure of speech. Sandoval who?! is a figure of speech like ‘Stick twelve Gobstoppers in your mouth to loosen your jaw before you get into bed’ is a figure of speech.
Brock Holt – 2-for-5, 1 RBI. Rusney who?! Are we seriously going through this again?
Corey Kluber – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. I wouldn’t panic. Kluber really has to throw meat to get his 10:2 K/9 to BB/9 to not at least repeat last year. So, you want a meatless Kluber. In other words, I’ll have the Vegan Klub with a side of sliders please.