Jeter Blew Up the Marlins But Needed Sean To Newcomb

Hope everyone had a nice Mother’s Day!  Or, as it’s known in my house, Bill Hall Day.  *it’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head*  “Hey, Ted Williams, Happy Bill Hall Day.”  “You’ve been calling it that for 65 years.”  “It’ll catch on by next year.  By the way, you have a booger-icicle hanging from your nose.”  For Mother’s Day for Cougs, I took a picture of our dog Ted’s penis, then Photoshopped it into Bill Hall’s hands, so it looked like a pink bat.  Of course, I inscribed it, “You’re always a home run to me.”  I’m so romantic!  Any hoo!  Sean Newcomb silenced the Marlins pink bats and pink jerseys and pink hats — were they also advertising Anna Faris’ new movie, because they went Overboard! — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.51.  Of course, this matchup wasn’t the hardest, but his peripherals (10.4 K/9, 4.2 BB/9, 3.65 xFIP) look close to that of a number two to three fantasy starter.  Not bad since he was drafted as number five.  He’s one bad mother!  Or May the Bill Hall Be With You.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Mike Soroka – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, but four unearned runs because of Butcher Boy Bautista.  This was like a combination ticker shock and ticker tease!  Looking at the score, you could’ve sworn Soroka gave up multiple runs, but you also figured he got the win.  Then, somehow adding insult to injury, I also had Vizcaino pitch for no reason.  Somehow, I had 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER in a Braves 10-5 win and did not get a Win or a Save.  #fantasybaseballproblems

Jose Urena – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.38.  He out-tilded Acuña in the first inning, when a pitch rose, sunk, then rose again.  Can’t prepare for that sorta thing.  Dansby had Aunt Tilda pitch batting practice but not the same.

Ryan Zimmerman – Hit the DL with “How can we keep Matt Adams in the lineup with the least number of excuses.”  The only cure is Matt Adams not hitting anymore.

Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer.  Okay, Zimmerman out also gives Reynolds a little room to stretch.  It’s all he needs since he’s Mini Donkey.

Trea Turner – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (13).  Get dem goodies, Treat Urner!

Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.20.  According to the Stream-o-Nator, his next start will be against the Dodgers, and since they’re playing for 2019, but should be playing for 2018, I think the start could go a bunch of different ways.  I should’ve been a landscape architect with those hedges!

Jacob deGrom – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 BBs, 2 Ks, 45 pitches, as he was activated from the DL.  Seems like deGrom located his elbow, but not his pitches.  Mickey Callaway said, “DeGrom gave us one scoreless inning, so we might go to a 9-man rotation.”

Carlos Santana – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 7th homer.  Is it too much to ask Santana to sneeze on Hoskins?  Hygiene is for sissies!

Edubray Ramos – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save.  Fun fact!  Bray.edu is donkey school.  Speaking of jackasses, Hector Neris has done all he can do to lose the Phils closer job.  It’s really a modern-day miracle that The Jacked Up Jew stuck to Neris as long as he did.  Ramos has a 1.13 ERA and a 11.3 K/9, that’s answering your inner monologue, “Can Ramos be a closer?”  By the way, work on that inner monologue, it sounds very 2017 Don Mattingly.  Also, vying for Phils saves:  Tommy Hunter (stop laughing), Luis Garcia and Seranthony Dominguez.  Just what Kapler needs, options.

Freddy Peralta – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks as he was called up for the start.  Oh, and that start was in Coors.  *whistles real low*  Whoa.  Here’s what Prospector Ralph said about him, “A small right hander with the ability to miss bats in bunches. Truly a player after my own heart. He mixes a deceptive low to mid 90’s four-seamer, with good movement, a slider and an above average changeup. His delivery is a funky crossfire delivery makes it hard for hitters to pickup the ball coming out of his hand. It’s likely the root of some of his walk issues as well, which remain the only stain on an otherwise stellar profile. Seriously, he led all of MiLB in BAA at .177, and struck out 12+ per 9 IP across multiple levels. While everyone is clamoring to own Burnes and Woodruff, it might be Peralta that ends out he most fantasy relevant of the bunch. The knocks are obvious, his lack of size (he’s 5’11, 175 lbs), and funky delivery. Personally I’m buying Peralta everywhere I can. He’s deceptive with three pitches, he can throw for strikes, and employs a smart and instinctual approach to sequencing.  Speaking of sequencing, do you think there’s something wrong with Grey’s DNA sequencing?”  Aw, c’mon!  Not sure if he’s staying up, so my enthusiasm is limited.  However, if I had room, I’d grab him in deeper leagues, in case he does stick.  If I were the Brewers, I’d keep Peralta in the rotation, and bump Suter for the return of Chase Anderson.

Ryan Braun – 0-for-5, 4 Ks, hitting .222.  Sure, I could mention Tony Wolters, Dahl, Shaw or Aguilar homering in Coors, but you’re supposed to do that in Coors.  Braun has a .268 OBP!  What a PEDs of shizz.

Bruce Rondon – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save.  The White Sox SAGNOF shituation has been Joakim “Since We Got Him” and Mr. Jones “Help Me Believe In Anything Cause I Wanna Be Someone Who Believes.  Yeah.”  Those guys are, how do we say this, garbage.  Bruce Rondon is not exactly the meow’s cat, but maybe he run away with the job, which would take stringing together three saves in a row.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.94.  Really rounding into form!  That form is a dead pigeon floating in a toilet.

Nick Hundley – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .290.  Because I’m an ass, I looked up on our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater to see who has more value this year, Hundley or Posey.  Still Posey, but a lot closer than you thought it would be a month ago.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.03.  After Morton threw two less-than-stellar games in three a few weeks ago, you had less confidence in him.  What would you say to your Two-Week-Ago Self?  Stop looking at small sample sizes, you douchenozzle!

Evan Gattis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .214.  This was his 2nd homer in as many games.  So, that’s why CBS ranked him in the top 20 overall!

Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.10.  Astros’ team ERA is how much below the next closest team?  More or less than half a run?  More.  True or false, there are teams that have an ERA more than twice of the Astros?  True, four of them.  The Astros 2.52 ERA is insane.  Their BAA is .196!  Their K/9 is 10.5!  And a new record of 17 bottles of pine tar used!

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.09.  Weird to be negative after a solid start, but I’m half-Jewish — the neurotic side — so let’s try!  His velocity is down; Ks are down; walks are up; xFIP is up; ground balls are down and hard contact is up.  Is there anything positive here; that’s rhetorical, isn’t it?

Harrison Bader – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .258.  Ginsburg!

Adam Wainwright – Headed back to the DL with elbow–Whatever!  Grab Jack Flaherty!

Chase Headley – Designated for assignment.  That assignment is to figure out why the Padres traded for him literally a few months ago.

Franmil Reyes – Power-hitting prospect was called up.  Look at the Padres finally looking to turn the page, though that’s a Streets song, and Franmil sounds straight Lil’ Wayne.  “Franmil mil mil mil mil…mil mil, a, mil.”  That’s Lil’ Wayne freestyling.  Prospector Ralph and Lance just went over Franmil in depth in this week’s prospect podcast.  This was Cougs and I listening to the podcast.  *twenty minutes in*  “That sounds like Ralph, from your podcast.”  *thirty seconds later*  “Yeah, it is.”  “Oh.”  *five minutes later*  “Is he always on this?”  *30 seconds later*  “Yes.”  “Oh.”  #MarriedLife  Ralph says Reyes looks like a right handed Big Papi.  He does.  Playing time is what it’s going to come down to, it’s between Matt Sczrczrczr and Travis Jankowski.  Yo, fellas, buy a vowel!  If it’s between Sczrczrczr and Jankowski, Franmil might have a chanczrski.

Clayton Richard – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.20.  He’s a straight Hodgepadre.

Matt Carpenter – Benched for three straight games so the Cards could start Jedd Gyorko.  Something’s going on there in St. Louie, and I like it.  First, they had no qualms about starting Jo-Ma, and batting him third all year, now they appear to be moving on from past-his-prime Matt Carpenter.  Love it!  The year is 1 A.D of our Jedd.

Mike Clevinger – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70.  Even Mars Blackmon would agree, “It’s not the shoes.”  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me take you down the stupidity of MLB.  They warned/threatened Clevinger if he didn’t stop using colorful cleats, he’d be fined and/or suspended.  Then Clevinger shot back at them, MLB wants players to have fun, then bars them from having fun.  100% agree with Clevinger.  Here’s some Nas bars, “So you can’t blame jazz musicians…Or David Stern with his NBA fashion issues…Oh, I think like me in my white tee…You can’t ice me…We here for life, MLB.”  I might’ve added the MLB.

Danny Duffy – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.51.  Someone should disguise themselves as someone from the Royals front office, call the MLB front office and put Duffy on the DL.

Jose Ramirez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (6).  Guessing, maybe, I don’t know, possibly, hmm, well, who knows, just maybe, it didn’t matter Jose Ramirez didn’t look good for the 1st two weeks of the season.

Michael Brantley – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games, hitting .336.   OWH, Own While Healthy, or OW History Channel, which is what I call an H.

Yan Gomes – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .266.  As Kendrick Lamar would say, the Yan is the power that be.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.64.  I don’t own Archer this year, but take it from someone who owned him last year, and regrets ranking him as I high as I did in the preseason, he is essentially a younger, healthier Samardzija.  Nice K-rate, everything else is a hot ball of deep fried yuck.

Blake Snell – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.12.  It’s one thing when a guy gets hit in a bad matchup, but when he faces the Everlasting Sobfloppers and comes away with a mollywhopping, well, Sobfloppers should not be mollywhopping, ya hear?

Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.53.  *holds envelope to head* “Seventeen.”  *rips open envelope, reads paper inside*  “What is the number of runs Bundy needs to win?” And may Miguel Sano mistake you for a throw pillow.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 3rd homer since I said I lost patience with him.  On one hand, I’m glad he turned his season around this week because I still own him.  On the other hand, he made me look dopey for moving on from him the day before he broke out.  On a third hand that is actually five finger limes, shows us sometimes you just gotta trust your Gladwell Blink.

Danny Valencia – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer.  He’s hitting near-.300 in the last week with two homers.  Could be a little schmotato risin’.

Joey Rickard – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer.  A two-homer game goes a long towards a hot schmotato, but these huge-scoring games sometimes are anomalies, and nothing becomes of the guys coming out of them.

David Price – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.89, as he was activated.  After the game, Price said, “If I used another power-up, I could’ve knocked out their defense sooner–,” then he slowly realized the media was asking about the baseball game, and lowered his joystick.

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .342.  Just Dong because you deserve the very best!

Domingo German – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.26.  I’m going to leave my seltzer on the counter in this ISIS recruitment center and go take a pee.  Could someone watch my drink for me?  Thanks, jihadists!  *four hours later*  Hey, why is my face being used as a lampshade?  AHHHH!!!  ROOFIE!!!

Giancarlo Stanton – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs, and his 10th homer, hitting .252.  He’s only eight batting average points behind Didi.  Speaking of Didi…Eat a D, world!

Nick Tropeano – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.64, as he was activated.  As long as he’s home, the Stream-o-Nator likes him, and A) I don’t disagree. B) He’s home next time. C) There’s no C.

Keynan Middleton – Had elbow discomfort about, oh, I don’t know, two weeks ago.  Nothing, no big thing, it’ll be fine, then pitched in, like, five of six games and now is hurt again.  You don’t say!  C’mon!  Really?  Wow, surprised.  Wait, there’s more…

Jim Johnson – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.32.  He’s blown saves in two of his last four appearances, so, of course, The Sciosciapath has continued to use him like a closer.  So, for Angels closer, it could be Johnson or Blake Parker, likely in that order, though my confidence level is at subterranean.

Shohei Ohtani – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.58.  Before yesterday’s game, on the Player Rater, he was the 59th best starter ($3.20).  Some guys above him were Ed-Rod, Hamels, Cahill, Liriano, Caleb Smith and Matthew Boyd.  This start will obviously move him up (it updates after I finish writing this, unless I were to write one really long ellipsis……………Okay, I’m too lazy for that), but starting every ten games takes a lot of Ohtani’s value.

Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.43.  Rudy texted me the other day, “Gibson was dropped in our 15-team league?  I don’t understand it.”  I then ignored the text for 25 minutes, annoyed that I didn’t see it first that Gibson was dropped, so I could’ve claimed him, because Rudy and I are battling for 1st and 2nd place and I could’ve used Gibson.  Finally, I swallowed my anger, and texted back, “Oh.”  Then Rudy texted back, “I think it’s Clippard.”

Fernando Romero – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 0.54.  You can almost feel him ramping up a good roofie for you.  However (Grey’s turning the boat!), the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t completely hate his next start if you’re feeling lucky.

Ervin Santana – Will throw BP today.  Must be down in the Gulf to throw BP.  He chucking it at seagulls?  Bunch of sickos!

Michael Fulmer – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.37.  The Regression Fairies record five-hour blocks of Logo, they went to Coachella dressed as a Regression Fairy, and they will destroy your ratios!

Kyle Seager – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer.  Seager is a robot with his 27-HR, .260-average seasons.  I will call him, Seager27-Dot260.

Robinson Cano – Left the game with a fractured hand after taking a Blaine Hardy pitch off his hand.  Hardy should stick to the musical revue, Red, White and Blaine.  Cano will obviously be out a while, which could mean Dee Gordon moves to 2B and Taylor Motter gets everyday playing time in the outfield.  See that, all teams are dressing in pink, and the M’s are out here doing a Motter’s Day promotion.

Yasiel Puig – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .204, as he hits 8th.  “Hey, there’s no reason to parasail with a dead body, so just unlatch Puig–Wait!  He moved his arm!  He’s alive!”

Joey Votto – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (1), hitting .288.  You were worried about him, and he’s on pace for 24 homers and 4 steals!  Wait, that’s not so great.

Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (0 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 6.02.  This start came against the Dodgers who were dismantled by the Curse of the Sleeping Larry King.  Damn, you Larry King!  Wake up so the Dodgers can shake your hex!

Billy Hamilton – 2-for-3, 1 run and three steals (6, 7, 8), hitting .215.  Likely the combination of Hamilton’s speed, and the pitifulness of the Dodgers.  The Dodgers have as many wins as the Padres, and were swept by the Reds in Los Angeles.  Last time that happened, the Reds won the World Series.  Who are the new Nasty Boys?  T. Mahle and Romano?  That does sound nasty, but as in Italian and Mexican fusion.  “Hey, you want-a some Pizzadilla?  Pozone?  Guacamisu?”