Sad Duck Call For Hunter Brown

Unless I’m misunderstanding Easter and the greatest story ever told, there’s a strong indication that Hunter Brown is not Him. As I understand it, Jesus gets his boys blotto on his blood that’s wine — imagine going wine tasting and being like, “This wine tastes irony.” “Like it’s dramatically contrasted to the opposite of what’s expected to highlight its difference?” “No, it tastes of iron. Is this blood?” — then after the blotto’ing at the Last Supper — by the way, if you invite me to something called the Last Supper, I’m gonna be like, “Hey, guys, I was planning on getting pizza for dinner tomorrow, so no need to be dramatic.” — then He was killed, yadda yadda yadda, and He came back on Sunday to search for some colored eggs. Hunter Brown, however, left on Sunday until who knows when, so Hunter brown [does not equal] Jesus. When I heard Brown hit the IL with a shoulder strain, I screamed, “Say psych! Please say psych! Or at least say sike! No psych or sike?” [Lisa Simpson grumble] Wonder what kind of sexy names the Astros are gonna call up to replace Brown–[reading Jason Alexander (not the actor) or Spencer Arrighetti should be back this week] Forget it. I learned Bible stuff for this, by the way. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Tatsuya Imai – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.32. You dropped him after his first bad start? Aw, shucks! Oh, well, there was only another 25 weeks of the season.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. On Easter, Captain Woo Cubano rose again.

Christian Walker – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Onward Christian Walker!

Lance McCullers Jr. – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.27. Just gave you my Lance McCullers Jr. fantasy. Ain’t nothing changed but the day, just some awful defense behind him, and a terrible park, where I’d struggle to start number ones, forget number five to sixes.

Bryan Abreu – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 27.00. Someone around Astros’ manager, Joe Espada, could you vaguely point at Bryan King.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Just give me 82 healthy games in Bing Bong, baby!

Alejandro Kirk – Hit the IL with a fractured thumb, i.e., where’s thumbkin? In a cast. Tyler Heineman becomes the Jays’ catcher. Not Heinzman, or a ketcher.

Addison Barger – Left with bilateral ankle discomfort. Considering he started the year 1-for-19, an IL stint is a welcome reprieve.

Eric Lauer – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.91, but left because he was under-the-weather. That’s also what they call the significant other of a meteorologist. Hey now!

Davis Martin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. That feels like a metaphorical banana in a tailpipe, and I ain’t falling for it. [double-checking Streamonator] Yeah, no thanks.

Luinder Avila – 3 IP, 5 ER, as he made a spot start. Fun fact! Luinder was a character Vicki Lawrence played on The Carol Burnett Show.

Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.59. We’re getting to the point where if a guy has an ERA under 2, he’s an automatic roster.

Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Boob-itch barely holding it together, might need some Gold Bond Powder.

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. At least one person in the Royals’ lineup heard they moved in the fences.

Chad Patrick – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.96. Sounds like he needs a third name, right? Like Chad Patrick Henry or something. Will workshop third names. In the mean’stime, I told everyone to draft him, because I liked him.

Kyle Harrison – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Guess that was the random-ass Brewers starter to go after and not Sproat. Teach me to eeny-meeny-miney-moe. Harrison’s numbers look stunningly good as of now. Pick up in every league good.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. A catcher playing another position is a good place for value. Also, at pick 585 overall, apparently.

Slade Cecconi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.23. Smells from The Old Spaghetti Factory finally were ventilated and Cecconi could pay attention in the Cleveland Starting Pitcher Factory.

Parker Messick – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.82. Bet on the Brewers and Guardians’ pitching staffs and against the Angels and Rockies. Words to live and die by.

Edward Cabrera – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.0000000000. Love me an EdCab, but calling for Counsell to Lyft him when he has that command.

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60, and velo still up. Kinda feel like I’m gonna have some FOMO with Shota this year. Light FOMO, not ace FOMO. Clarifying FOMO.

Matt Shaw – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. That reminds me, what’s the latest with Seiya? Oh, he’s due back on Friday? Cool.

Ian Happ – 2-for-9, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Happ’s out-homered all of my cornermen combined, across like 10 teams.

Randy Vasquez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Praise your pants grapes if you started him in Fenway, I wouldn’t have. Streamonator does love his next one and I’m all in.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Macho, Macho Manny!

Jackson Merrill – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He went oppo taco in Fenway and that always seems incredibly impressive until you realize it’s, like, an easy pop-up just before the warning track in most parks.

Ranger Suarez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 8.64. Losing Hunter Brown but feeling good about my number two starter, Ranger Suarez! [wanders into supermarket and asks what aisle is the bleach] So, I don’t think Suarez is right and wouldn’t start him until we saw something that looked halfway decent.

Landen Roupp – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22. Here there was some shoddy defense, and inherited runners coming in to up his ERA, but I can’t sell too hard on Roupp for shallower mixed leagues. Roupp’s the kinda of guy if you need him, you’ll know it.

Logan Webb – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Webb gem.

Clay Holmes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.42. What up, Holmes? Not your ERA!

Kodai Senga – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. He’s throwing 97 MPH now. He was throwing 94 to 95. We should have a glossary term for when pitchers gain velocity. Please suggest in the comments.

Jack Flaherty – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.56. Begging–Nay! Pleading! Just be normal. Like, 5 IP, 3 ER, or even 6 IP, 4 ER. That’s it! Normal!

Justin Verlander – Hit the IL with hip inflammation. What’s wrong with this guy? Retire and go home to Kate Upton!

Kerry Carpenter – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. A Carpenter coming back on Easter weekend. Hunh, weird.

Mick Abel – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 11.05. Remind me again how good he looked in Spring Training, because I’m really struggling to remember.

Simeon Woods Richardson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.31. At first, I wrote his name as Someone Woods Richardson, and I laughed, oh, how I laughed. Anyhoo, peripherals are still very early to look at, but his peripherals are laughably bad.

Matt Wallner – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Kinda humorous that he’s been hot schmotato for power and still not hitting .200. Not like haha humorous.

Richie Palacios – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Have yourself a game, Dick Palace!

Junior Caminero – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. [beeping horn on toy car while riding around FAO Schwarz]

Rhett Lowder – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.64. I was thisclose to streaming him. Ended up needing to replace Barger for three rando at-bats from a guy off waivers and I’m so shortsighted I should’ve went with Lowder it’s just dumb so dumb I’ve forgotten how to punctuate.

Chase Burns – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.82. Again, for like the tenth time in this post, it’s too early to look at peripherals, but I just looked at Burns’s and did a boing.

Jack Leiter – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Yes, he was a preseason sleeper but so was Chase Burns, why didn’t you mention it then? Embarrassed at my smarts?

Mookie Betts – Hit the IL with a strained oblique. He suffered it on a check swing. See, it’s better if you just commit. This is message from the Council to Stop Dating after Seven Years and Just Marry.

Hyeseong Kim – Recalled from the minors. Will he start over Freeland or Rojas? Well, he should’ve been starting over them on Opening Day, so who knows. I do like the speculative Kim pickup in most deeper mixed leagues (15+). It’s also incredibly hilarious Roberts hit Rojas 2nd in the lineup yesterday. Good bit. No notes.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Well, sure, he has Miguel Rojas protecting him in the lineup.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Sell!

Roki Sasaki – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.00 vs. Foster Griffin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. This start was of two guys who had crazy success in Japan, but only one guy who anyone cares about, the guy who hasn’t been good, instead of the guy who has been good here.

James Wood – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Just opened his player page to see what his K% was in the early going, and my eyes widened a decent amount and I closed the page.

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Ah, tut-tut, that’s Luis Garcia Hr.

Ryan Weathers – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.50. Wrong or right, I’m convinced that if I hit my head before every draft and forgot everything from Spring Training, I’d do better. Nothing good ever came from, “Wow, did you see how good [insert pitcher] looked in those two innings of that Spring Training game between him and a cast of characters who won’t ever make the 40-man?”

Ben Rice – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Rice-a-HRoni!

Max Meyer – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.66. He keeps pitching like that vs. the Yankees and he’s gonna be pitching vs. the Marlins for the Yankees.

Jared Triolo – Hit the IL with a patella injury. I went to school with a Patella, very good at math. Nick Gonzales will benefit from Triolo’s absence, and NL-Only’ers.

Braxton Ashcraft – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Just opened Ashcraft’s player page (if you click his name — voila!), and I was expecting to be wowed. I was not wowed, but it’s early and he looks excellent going by the eye test — EFPTOZL-uhh-number eight? Wait, that’s a B, I think.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. [like I’m playing charades]…I know that one! That’s Oneil Cruz last year, before he collapsed in the 2nd half.

Ryan O’Hearn – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. [poking Vinnie Pasquantino with a stick] Do something.

Zack Wheeler – His fastball was 96 MPH last year. On Saturday, it was 92 MPH in his last rehab start, and he gave five runs in three innings. Giving a thumbs up but using Alejandro Kirk’s thumb.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.97. This start was in Coors, because of course it was. Luzardo pitches well when the chances of a sonavabench go just over 50%, and pitches awful when the chances fall below 50%. It’s mathematically provable.

Mickey Moniak – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. Thank you, War Room.

TJ Rumfield – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I look forward to liking him next year when he’s so awful he quits baseball and starts doing real estate with Alex Kirilloff and Michael Toglia.

Michael Soroka – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.90. Lot of these early goofballs with the great ERAs are going to get rocked, and maybe Mike ends up Sorocka himself, but his underlying numbers look excellent still.

Brandon Pfaadt – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.75. Elias Sport Bureau said, “That’s Pfaadt best start in his career, even though he’s been touted repeatedly by people like Grey.” Oh, shut up!

Bryce Elder – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.000000000. Jim Caviezel is Bryce Elder in The Brightly Colored Shroud of Touki, with special appearance by an AI rendering of Mickey Rooney in Italianface, directed by the incomparable Mel Gibson! Critics agree, it looks good so far!

Drake Baldwin – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. CCR’s most Fortunate Son!

Cole Young – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Hot schmotato? Sure, but should be rostered.

Emerson Hancock – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.71. Last time he pitched, I gave you a whole Hancock fantasy. Hey, for those of you googling “whole Hancock fantasy,” and landing on this webpage, welcome! We won’t judge you here! As I said last time, I’d go all in on the Hancock fantasy. Um, there I was back to talking about fantasy baseball, but whatever’s clever!

Jo Adell – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Usually end these with a goof, but have to sincerepost once in a while, so please: Get a load of this guy:

One of the coolest baseball pics

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— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) April 5, 2026 at 7:28 AM

That’s like some superhero shizz. Like if you just landed on Earth and you’ve never heard of baseball and you don’t know what arms are or what feet do and you’re not sure why Quentin Tarantino would like to film your feet, but you saw this picture, you’d be like, “I like that,” but you’d say it in beeps and boops because you’re an alien.