When Ryan Zimmerman hits a homer, they should play the Coming to America clip where Murphy says, “In dee face,” at the basketball game. Speaking of Africa (sentence intro commonly found on fantasy baseball blogs), why is it called Out of Africa if it’s in Africa? Granted, I’ve never seen that movie, but the one thing I know about it is that it is in Africa! Straight Outta Compton is in Compton, but they get OUTTA OF COMPTON! This post is brought to you by Meryl Movie Lovers, or MeMoLos, as they’re commonly referred. Two more homers for Ryan Zimmerman yesterday, bringing his season total to 19 homers. Shame I didn’t believe in him (and still don’t). Why do I have more doubt than Meryl Streep in a habit? Answer me that, MeMoLos! He’s 32 years old, and, in his last two years, he had 15 and 16 homers. In eleven years, he’s only topped 26 homers once. So, don’t even give me that crap that I should’ve seen this coming. He’s hitting .372! Last year, he hit .218 and .249 the year before, and only hit over .300 one year in his career. He’s not having a career year. Nope. He’s combining all of his years together into one year, putting them into a Magic Bullet, pulverizing them for five minutes and drinking it. And, like Meryl sold French cuisine to an American audience in Julie & Julia, I’m still selling Zimmerman. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .345. So not a schmohawk. So valuable. My b.
Rio Ruiz – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .209. I actually own him in one league, and, from firsthand experience, you don’t need him. The Ruiz don’t run through it. Hmm, maybe this is more of a RoReMoLos post.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer as he hit leadoff. Rizzo be a table-setter like this: insert GIF of large man eating. You know what this means now, right? Joe Maddon’s definitely keeping Rizzo in the leadoff spot. I mean, it worked! Oh, and Joe Maddon should be committed and locked away in same padded cell as C**nt Hurdle.
Ian Happ – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .207. Also, in this game, Jason Heyward (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBI, hitting .262) hit his 6th homer; Kris Bryant (2-for-3, 3 runs, hitting .273) hit his 15th homer; Javier Baez (1-for-1, 2 RBIs, hitting .246) hit his 10th homer. Yesterday, the Cubs did almost as well as my Tout Wars team (eat a D, D eaters!):
El oh el pic.twitter.com/IKfRiSRH41
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 14, 2017
Ben Zobrist – Out with a nagging wrist injury. That would also explain his poor masturbation recently.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Hit the DL. And here comes…here comes…here comes…here comes…Dude, how many times do I have to do this? My copy and paste keys are wearing down. They now look like “ommand” and “Is that where the C and V are?” Bring up Amed Rosario already!
Michael Conforto – Missed two straight games with a stiff back. Somebody get my man a gift from Brookstone and get him back out there!
Zack Wheeler – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.48. Well, I suppose my string of Quality Start streams had to come to an end at some point. Thanks for the ego check, Wheeler, I needed that.
Neil Walker – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and third homer in the last eight games. He’s been sitting on waivers in one of my leagues all year and he’s still there, so, yeah.
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two more homers (16, 17), hitting .261. Not to sound like a broken record–like a broken record–like a broken– But he didn’t play until the last days of April. To make a nearly apt comparison, J.D. Martinez only has 11 homers.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer and flipped two middle fingers at some Cleveland fans. In Korea, they flip bats. In Cuba, they flip fingers. We have to be more understanding of other cultures!
Jose Martinez – 0-for-3 in the night cap, and 2-for-3, 3 RBIs with two homers in the day game. A night game is called a night cap, what’s a day game? Day cap? Afternoon delight? Nooner?
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Because this is fun salt in the ol’ wounds. Lynn has the 4th best ERA in the NL.
Jimmy Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.67. Bleh start from Jimmy Nelson and I can’t say only his first or last name separate or it sounds weird. Jimmy Nelson’s ownable everywhere, as I’ve said about three times in his last three starts, and Stream-o-Nator likes his next start.
Keon Broxton – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .235. Competition with Brinson has lit a fire under him, and has two homers in the last three games. Another reason Amed Rosario should be called up (not really pertinent here, but leave me alone).
Jesus Aguilar – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Oddly enough, Thames asked that Aguilar have his urine checked.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer as he returns from a family emergency. If he was dropped in your mixed league, I could see giving him a look. He’s right there under the sixteen other cornermen you can pick up.
Justin Bour – Expected back on Friday. Or as it’s known around my house, “The night Cougs gets her husband.”
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .286. Feels like it needs to be said, Judge has only five more homers than Giancarlo, and Giancarlo is not playing over his head. He’s doing exactly what is expected. Anyone want to bet Judge finishes with less homers than Giancarlo? Y’all get so caught up in the hype. You need to be jaded like me. Like your girlfriend just left you for, at best, a 4, but you’re a 3. That jaded!
Jose Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.70. This is weird (and potentially boring). In two NL-Only leagues, I own Urena and, in those leagues, I have a better ERA than in a few of my mixed leagues even though I obviously have many more choices in the mixed leagues. Okay, more boring than weird.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 16th homer. OZUNA tracks his year to date. OZUNA having himself nice little year. OZUNA glad he buy calendar of little people dressed like cowboys.
Tyler Moore – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his .286. If you’re considering him, I own Moore, and I want less.
Matt Davidson – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers, and four homers in last ten games, hitting .219. Yeah, thing is, doode, you buy guys before they go off.
Brad Peacock – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. 10 Ks in less than five innings? My eyes just bugged out like John Lithgow in The Twilight Zone movie. I told you to buy him last week, but, wow, is this guy insane. He’s pitching like the best middle reliever across four innings. Just happens to be innings one thru five.
George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer, hitting .275. I mention Springer a little later in the post. Don’t do a Find, cheater!
Michael Fulmer – Will miss a turn in the rotation with shoulder bursitis. He threw and said he feels fine. Not sure if anyone asked if he threw with the shoulder that’s giving him problems.
Buck Farmer – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.52. Farmer came crashing back to earth, which is good, because he needs to sow seeds. One good thing did come out of his start yesterday, his name works so nicely with spoonerism, I’ve decided to start calling him, The Spoonerist.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Au Shizz!
Brandon Drury – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and three homers in three games, hitting .296. There’s a new hottest schmotato in schmotato land!
David Peralta – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .319. In my bag of onomatopoeias I have a harrumph for dropping Peralta last week. Should’ve likely dropped Zimmer. Oh, you mean it’s not interesting hearing about someone else’s team? Read the comments some time!
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Knee McClutchin is McClutchin the last vestiges of his value, or maybe he’s trying to get himself traded somewhere decent. “What video format do you want the McCutchen game film?” That’s Boras talking to the Yankees.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Apparently, Searage’s “Stop sucking, you’re making me look so bad I lost a ‘Best Ray Searage Award’ to Bud Black” speech worked.
Mike Trout – Says he wants to return before the All-Star Game, which would put his six to eight week timetable at about five weeks and change. Ha, dude’s a superhero beast. Watch him still end up in the top ten for fantasy value this year.
Clayton Richard – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners 3 Ks not vs. J.C. Ramirez – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. They didn’t pitch against each other, but for our porpoises, dolphins, they may as well have, right, Stream-o-Nator?
Franchy Cordero – 3-for-5, 3 runs and two homers (2, 3) with all three homers coming in the last two games. Holy almond tart, no Franchy pan for me! That’s three Franchy flies, you better ketchup! Yeah, he’s not very good, but he’s swinging a hot bat, apparently.
Ty Blach – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.24. You put in so much work for two-plus months, and, in one night, you stream Blach and Wheeler and your ERA goes *sound effect of toilet*
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his third bleh blooie nada yoo-hoo. In other words, he doesn’t give you those other things, just hits.
Devon Travis – Underwent surgery for cartilage damage. They should put Brett Lawrie’s legs into a pot with some chia seeds and Devon Travis’ torso. See if the Jays can’t harvest something out of it. Maybe trade for Buck Farmer, he knows what he’s doing.
Aaron Sanchez – Nearing mound work. There’s some pissed off grounds crew guy hearing that. “Sanchez is not even union!”
Jacob Faria – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Damn, in Toronto? I’m so sold on Faria, I just put myself on eBay, put the Buy It Now at a million dollars and bought me, by defrauding myself. I even grabbed Faria in my shallow 12-team mixed league. Giddy up, snitches!
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .238. LoMo — no relation to MeMoLo — has more homers than Giancarlo.
David Price – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 5.09. Not to beat a dead horse and risk incurring PETA’s wrath, but four walks in six innings against a terrible offense at home is not good.
Cesar Hernandez – Out for six weeks with an oblique strain. Cesar needs to stop cramping his side and start wearing more togas. Brought to you by Togas: When Your Junk Wants To Be Roman.
Aaron Altherr – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Is it me (it’s not me) or does he get super hot for one game then go ice cold for four games and repeat? Is it me (it’s not me)– You did the broken record gag, please. You’re right, Random Italicized Voice.
Maikel Franco – 4-for-5 and a walk! Get hot, you sumsabeach. For the love of Giancarlo, get hot.
Max Kepler – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .258. Wait, are you telling me a guy I like in the preseason doesn’t need to give all his fantasy value in April to be valuable? The season is six months long? Crazy!
Eddie Rosario – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and three homers (6, 7, 8). Also, in this game, Kennys Vargas went 4-for-6, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and Eduardo Escobar went 5-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the least consequential high-scoring game for fantasy since 1915 when the New York Irish-Italian Drunkards took on the Philadelphia Italian-Irish WOPs and Scarpetta O’Fizzley blasted six homers and was unowned in all three of the existing fantasy leagues.