Doh! A deer, a female deer and also what the Dodgers say. Ray, a drop of golden filth. Me, a name I call myself who owns J.D. Martinez and Robbie Ray. Fa, a long long way to run if a Bostonian is saying far. SO another name for strikeouts. LA is where the game took place. Ti I dribble down my face, when J.D. Martinez and Robbie Ray play. Yesterday, Ray went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 14 Ks, ERA down to 2.80. Robbie Ray is an ace. No matter how you slice that pecan pie, he’s an ace. No matter how you put that pancake batter on the skittle. No matter how you put whipped cream in my mouth. My God, I’m so hungry. Cougs has got me doing this Whole30 diet and I’m legit about to eat my hand. At Endorphin Ralph’s top 100 starters for this week, Ray’s ranked 6th. Can’t argue that, and last night he dunked all over the LA K’ers. Then, J.D. Martinez got my goosepimples all a-titter. He went 4-for-5, 6 RBIs with his 31st, 32nd, 33rd and 34th homer. Someone has to Just Dong, so who better than Just Dong? Who?! Sorry, I’m writing this wearing an owl costume. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Goldschmidt – Went for an MRI on his elbow. Okay, don’t want to cry just yet. Thinking worst case scenario is we had a good five months from him. Oh, man, I’m scared. We need a prayer octagon.
Brandon Drury – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I was hesitant to say anything about Drury yesterday. Not because his name makes me sound drunk, but, coincidentally enough, because of Coors.
Corey Seager – Might need offseason elbow surgery. Oh God, please tell me Goldschmidt’s doctor was reading Seager’s MRI. The ol’ MRI switcheroo! Please!
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.67. You know who Hill is? A sexier Hendricks. I will call Hill, Lenny Kravitz.
Carlos Martinez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.34. For almost every player, you Google their name and the first suggestion is, “Is he Jewish?” Or, “Who’s his girlfriend?” It’s like all people care about is whether or not someone is Jewish and/or what their girlfriend looks like. Carlos Martinez’s 1st Google suggestion is perfect, “Hair color?” Carlos Martinez has been busted for tweeting porn, and is known for having outrageous hair. In another life, Carlos Martinez could’ve been one of the guys on the Vegas strip that tries to get you to go to a strip club when you and your friends are really drunk. In this life, he’s a top 15 starter. *looks at Endorphin Ralph’s top 100 starters* At 19, that’s pretty close.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 18th steal, though he left with a sore shoulder. Not before he stole 2nd and pulled this maneuver:
Tommy Pham slides into 2nd and pulls out a mirror to check himself out. Sees a 20/20 player staring back at him.
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 4, 2017
Matt Carpenter – Left yesterday with shoulder tendinitis. He better not have sneezed on Pham!
Bradley Zimmer – Headed for concussion tests. Actually, he’s going for tests, because he headed the ground.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.39, which is irrelevant because his last-30-day ERA is 2.31 with a 10.2 K/9. Right now, I’m in 1st in my NFBC league, and incredibly Bauer is a big part of the reason. Oh, and Stream-o-Nator likes his next start if you need some robot nudging. Damn, a robot is taking my job!
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer, hitting .310. His August, where he struggled, is a distant memory, and now has five homers in the last week, and looks like a lock for 100/25/75/.300/18, i.e., what you want from every hitter to win your league.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 22nd homer, hitting .255. If he gets to 27 HRs, .260, you’re gonna have a hard time convincing people this offseason that Santana didn’t do exactly what you wanted from him, i.e., Your Carlos is someone else’s Cargain.
Denard Span – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer. Simultaneously, 700 miles away, Ben Revere held a seashell up to his ear and heard cheers.
Joe Panik – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Panik! At the San Francisco because Panik is the third best Giants hitter behind Posey and Bumgarner.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 33rd homer, hitting .342. Chazz Noir’s on the cover of a romance novel, with his fake afro blowing in the wind, taking fantasy baseballers to the promise land. The novel’s called, “The Chazz Swinger.”
Matt Harvey – Will pitch on short rest on Wednesday. They’re getting him ready for the playoffs. Those playoffs are Korean Baseball League playoffs where Harvey will be pitching in three years after reconstructive elbow surgery due to the Mets handling of him.
David Wright – Will have rotator cuff surgery. Wright said, “Injuries are a fart of the game,” then his intern, who is helping Wright get ready for life after baseball, shook his head and pointed at the teleprompter.
Ryan Braun – 3-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .279. Comatose Brewers Fan wakes from a four-month coma to see Braun’s stats, “Damn, another lost season for my beloved Brewers. If Braun’s not doing anything, we don’t have the pitching or other hitting to make a run at the playoffs.” Hey, Comatose Brewers Fan, we’ve got good news for you!
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a home run, hitting .269. Guess how many homers he has. Go ahead. Keep in mind Braun has 14 homers. Give up? Arcia’s got 14 homers too.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, hitting .250. His home run was a walk-off shot, because Keon Broxton can only stretch so far.
Dallas Keuchel – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.88. H2H owners and Astros fans exhale as Daylass Koochel bounces back from a hideous 6 IP, 6 ER last outing. Wheels are back on, now keep it rolling. By the way, I’m rooting hard for Houston in the playoffs. I know football’s got viewers, and basketball’s got Kardashians, but baseball’s got magical moments, and Houston could provide one.
Yulieski Gurriel – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, as he returned to the lineup. Gurriel has never really been crazy hot all year, so maybe this is starting something, but it feels like nothing.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Betcha he gets to 25 homers, and someone next year says something like, “Grey, you are handsome AF, but why so down on Seager? All he does is hit 25 homers every year.” That person is not here now living this yawnstipating Seager season.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .213. You know a guy is struggling when he takes fives days to make me look stupid for saying to sell him.
Elvis Andrus – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. The real Elvis never even left the building this much.
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.29. I wouldn’t own him even if the Stream-o-Nator liked him.
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 26th homer. Also, in this game, Logan Morrison (3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 36th homer. Not saying that you would’ve been better off drafting Morrison/Dickerson instead of Kris Bryant and Anthony Rizzo, but, well, I’m not not saying it either.
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.01. I’m screaming at the Twins to shut down Berrios like a 10-year-old me was screaming for Rowdy Roddy Piper to stop hurting Snuka.
J.P. Crawford – Will be called up for today’s game. Phils’ manager, Macktheknife said, “The Phillies intend to play Galvis all 162 games, but not all will be at shortstop.” Guess the Phils are hoping to sell those 100,000 FreGa shirts they made. Cheesesteak and an all-star shortstop? FreGalvaboutit! Seriously, I wonder who Galvis has naked pics of to get to play 162 games in his arbitration year. They must be lurid. Any hoo! Crawford will play here and there, and might hit a few homers. Outside of NL-Only, I’m not bothering yet.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-1, 2 RBI pinch-hitting, as he was activated from the DL. If only the original ODB could come back. RIP, Dirt McDirty Baby Jesus.
Aaron Altherr – Didn’t play but was activated from the DL. If the Phils get back a recently DL’d Mike Schmidt. They might make this a race!
Jose Reyes – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. I know, he’s not super exciting, unless you’re an impotent 65-year-old who remembers better times, but he has four steals in the last week, and is hitting near-.350 in that time.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last four games. No joke, I think those are his only hits in that time too. Going off memory because I actually picked up Asdrubal for the doubleheader the other day, and, well, waivers aren’t great right now for a new MI in my league, and this is the most boring run-on sentence ever!
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 26th homer, and his first hit after three games, but, before that he hit three homers in one game, and is this the same run-on sentence from above?
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 37th homer. Now’s the time we put the rubber to the H2H road, so let’s see, Smoak. Though, without keeping anyone in neutral. I know that smoking tire trick.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .206. He should really retire after this season. When will he retire? My guess is in three years.
Jake Arrieta – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, but left with a hamstring injury that looked like it would sideline him for at least two weeks, possibly into the playoffs. This would suck for his owners, but, since I’m not one of them, I will attempt to empathize. Attempathize?
Josh Bell – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .264. In any other year–Okay, maybe not from 1997-2002, but any other year than that, Bell would be a big story. Shoot, throw Bell’s year in the 80’s and he’s an All-Star, and I have a hundred of his rookie cards.
David Freese – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. A’la Arnie in that terrible Batman movie, “That ball was hit into the deep…Freese.”
Matt Olson – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, and three homers in two games. Yesterday, I said schmotato. Today, I’m saying SCHMOTATO. Bit more emphasis.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting…meh. It doesn’t matter what he’s hitting. He does usually homer more than once in a three-game span.
Martin Maldonado – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homers, hitting .227. Fun fact! When Martin Maldonado has a gassy uncle, they call Fartin Maldonado.
Blake Parker – 1 IP, 2 ER, though does anyone know what The Sciosciapath is doing? I mean, really.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 53rd homer. Halp and I discuss Giancarlo on today’s podcast. I only make one overt mention of being aroused.
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Been a long time since I’ve mentioned him. Which means he’s done nothing. Which means he’s hurting my team. Which means stop doing that!
Gary Sanchez – Suspension reduced to three games. When he went to see Joe Torre about his suspension, it was like a scene out of School Ties, where Torre opened the meeting with asking Sanchez how his mother was doing, then ended the meeting with him saying to say hello to Girardi for him.
Jordan Montgomery – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.12. Hasn’t pitched deeper in a game than 5 1/3 IP for six weeks. Lovely innings management the Yanks are doing with Montgomery. Why not just Roshambo to see who gets to use the elbow tendon that Tanaka and Montgomery will be sharing next year?
Didi Gregorius – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .289, as he hits cleanup. The Gregorius D.I.D. got the Biography A&E treatment last night, and you know I was poppin’ that shizz to the fullest, Didi is the illest. I wanna watch it again already. So good!
Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .313, as he hits third. Due to injuries, Starlin’s season-long numbers are lacking, and, since he has no speed, it’s counting stats or bust with Castro.
Dylan Bundy – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.12. After his last start, I said, “I’d continue to ignore him in shallower mixed leagues or use the Stream-o-Nator.” And that’s me quoting me! Some people had a problem with that. Of course, I wasn’t saying it without looking at his upcoming matchups first. Come for the ‘stache, and you better not miss.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .224. He’d have 12 homers with non-OJ’d balls.
Tim Beckham – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .292. Don’t worry, Rays fans, you have the recently DFA’d Danny Espinosa!
Welington Castillo – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, and, like, his 25th homer in the last week. Beef hasn’t been this hot since the day before Oprah ruined the cattle industry.
Jarrod Dyson – Could have a hernia. The nurse said, “Cough,” and he said, “Dems my peanuts!” This could knock out Dyson for the year.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-5 and his 22nd homer. If you click Perez’s name, it magically transports you to his player page where his Last 30 Days are listed. Meouch, he’s been goofy bad.
Scott Alexander – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his third save because “Garbage 99.8% Of The Time” Brandon Maurer (2/3 IP, 3 ER) showed up at the park yesterday. Here’s to the other .2% showing up today. As for half of the screenwriting duo behind The People vs. Larry Flynt/O.J. Simpson, Scott Alexander is a lefty, so hard to recommend him. Maybe he’ll get some shituational saves.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .318. It’s little Joey Votto! Joe-ier Votto?
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Member when everyone compared Alcides to Elvis Andrus? Now, Alcides looks closer in value to Alex Presley.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .252, as he hits third. The Tigers right now are like the last baseball team on Easter Island before European disease wiped everyone out.
