Rick Porcello said of his catcher, Sandy Leon, “He’s the best catcher I’ve ever thrown to. Period.” It’s a shame people don’t end include other forms of punctuation when speaking. “I am the Red Sox ace. Question mark. No, I forgot about Chris Sale. Period. Actually, exclamation mark. The best Red Sox pitchers. Colon. Not Bartolo. Period. I’m going to list them. Period. Okay. Comma. Damn. Comma. I apostrophe V-E confused myself.” Yesterday, Porcello threw a sparkler — 7 IP, 2 hits, 0 walks, 1 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.04, and roped a double to right, which is fun in a dog on rollerblades-type way, but is kinda irrelevant. What’s less irrelevant, Rick Porcello is pitching better this year than his Cy Young year, though with less ERA to show for it, obviously. That could change in the final six weeks if he finds his groove. Period. Ya know what, exclamation mark. Strike that, interrobang. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.37. I can’t believe I started him vs. the Red Sox and I didn’t come out sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t even watch this game from a sense of dread. It’s no wonder Pivetta sounds like the Italian word for panic stricken. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start (bless you, robot), and his next one.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3 and his 23rd homer. There’s only one Rhysus and no one comes before him. Though, Acuña is his own revelation.
Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.46. I told you so’s after a bad start are the absolute worst, but that doesn’t mean I’m above being the worst. Last week I said, “I said to drop (Quintana) a few weeks ago, so this ain’t on me. Goodbye blame, hello guilt expunger!” And that’s me quoting me quoting me!
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .255. Since I drafted The Hebrewer Hammer in a few leagues, I remember his preseason projections were around 20 homers, 12 steals. He’s now on pace for 20/12. Guess what I’m saying is it felt like a struggle for him to get there, but, in the end, he is pretty much what we expected.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer. You know who Cain…Sugar reminds me of? Every player who I had high hopes for due to their speed/power combo, except Cain…Sugar made good on his. I’m farting in your general direction, Michael Saunders.
Jhoulys Chacin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Sonavadrop! It would’ve been a sonavabench, but I dropped him because I didn’t trust him in Wrigley. Looking at the Stream-o-Nator makes me think I’m about to pick him up again, which means I have a retractable Yo-Lease.
Justin Upton – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .267. J-Up aged better than B.J.-Up and much better than Mel-Up. Toss up with 7-Up.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. If I’ve mentioned him five times in the last ten games, and I have, there’s a pretty good reason. It’s how many times he’s homered in that time.
Trevor Bauer – Out with a stress fracture of his fibula. *rips wallpaper off wall, wraps self in it, crawls into corner and sobs* I just wanted one nice thing! *realizes can’t unwrap self from wallpaper* Oh God, I’ve mummified myself! WHY?! Okay, so it was a good run. I know this won’t ease the stress fracture of your fantasy team, but, for where you drafted him, you got a 2.22 ERA, 1.09 WHIP and 214 Ks in 166 IP. Was still a win, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 36th homer, hitting .305. Amazing to me that any pitcher messes with anything yo-day-lay-eee-hoo. That’s anything in the lineup over Yonder.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, multiple hits in three straight games with a homer in that time. *Sharpies out side of milk carton* Got Melk.
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 8.10 vs. Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.71. This matchup was billed as, “No one rides for free: Cash, Vargas, and both are ass.”
Tim Beckham – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer in the last seven games. I don’t know why you haven’t picked him up either.
Ryan LaMarre – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. That’s a heady home run for LaMarre.
Xavier Cedeno – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, and seemingly the first clean post-Joakim Soria save for the White Sox. Cedeno has a few things going against him, A) Lefty. B) White Sox. C) There’s no C. D) No command. But he has a save and Ks! Hey, if Wily Peralta can be a lights-out closer, why can’t Cedeno?
Adalberto Mondesi – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and three steals (13, 14, 15). I go over Mondesi in the video that’s at the top of this post.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5 and his 27th homer. Au shizz!
Alex Avila – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .174. Fun fact! His name translates to Alex Of A Villa I Don’t Want To Visit. That is pretty appropriate.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer since I said last week to buy him. Are you waiting until someone else picks him up? Because, over-the-internet friend, that’s a flawed strategy.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. It took me twelve years, but I’ve managed to isolate a single water molecule. I’m going to haphazardly leave it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Trevor Story – 2-for-5 and his 25th homer, hitting…Guess. Go ahead. I mean he hit like a buck twenty last year, so just guess what he’s hitting this year. Hint: He’s nearly a top ten player this year on the Player Rater. Give up? He’s hitting .290! He’s quietly having a fantastic season.
John Gant – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.74, and he pitchslapped Gio Gonzalez. Wanna hear how badly I managed my Tout Wars team this week? I started Adam Conley (2 IP, 5 ER) over a two-start Gant because I was worried about a double-headed mollywhopping. Look at the big brain on Grey! Don’t worry, I’m still in 1st by about ten points.
Ryan Madson – Placed on the DL with lumbar nerve like you care are you even reading this irritation. Filling in for Madson will be Koda Glover and the Special Sauce and his smash hit, Rodeo Clowns, which goes, “Sweepin’ the floors, open up the 9th inning doors, yeah, turn on the lights, Nats got no one for tonight.” Justin Miller might also see some looks until Sean Doolittle returns, and, for those keeping tabs — Are you a waitress? — Doolittle threw off a mound yesterday and sounds less than two weeks away.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. That’s nice, you had your chance to be the face of baseball. Now I have Acuña and baeball!
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, and his fifth straight game with a homer, third straight game with a leadoff homer, and 7 HRs in the last five. Tildaddy says you can have dessert!
Charlie Culberson – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, and 4th homer in the last eight games. I get it, I looked at him too on waivers and couldn’t pull the trigger, but obviously he’s a hot schmotato.
Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. The Regression Fairies are taking it easy on Anibal because one of their friends has the same name, but I can’t imagine Anibal is an under-3.10 ERA pitcher.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Has almost 200 extra at-bats and only one more home run than Acuña. Wow. Or mom, if your phone you’re reading this on fell in the toilet and is floating upside down.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. He missed some time earlier this year with injuries, so that’s some nice power from him in 92 games. Maybe turning into a late bloomer for power like a Molina-type. Though, with a name like Jerry Tomato, he wouldn’t last long at a Madea’s Molina Family Reunion.
Magneuris Sierra – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st steal. Solid SAGNOF play in NL-Only leagues, if you have any FAAB left after that massive trading deadline. I have zero dollars in multiple leagues. Any hoo! Sierra’s the kind of guy who could steal 10+ bags from now until the end of the year.
J.A. Happ – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.86 and his 13th win. This was an easy matchup, but, as a Happ owner in multiple leagues, I like easy matchups! I call them layHapps. Not aloud though.
Willy Adames – 1-for-2, and his 6th homer, hitting near-.500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting close to .400 in last week with three homers. I’ve never been so excited to see Semien get explosively hot.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. When Lowrie gets hot (.343, 6 HRs in April), Jed becomes more than just how Brits pronounce a Jay.
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Fiers, ironically, puts out fires for a living.
James Paxton – Left yesterday after taking a comebacker off his arm. F-Her relieved him, or as M’s fans said, “F-Us.” Paxton’s x-rays were negative, but he will miss one start.
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4 as he was reinstated from suspension. One PEDs dealer went on record saying, “I’m kinda glad Cano got caught. He’d say he was coming by ‘around 5’ to pick up the PEDs and not show up until 6 or later, having me wait around. He just never showed any hustle.” With the return of Robinson Cano, a third of the M’s lineup has been suspended for PEDs at one time. The restroom in Seattle’s clubhouse is labeled, “Amends.”
Brandon Belt – 1-for-1, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Sorry, I flinched because I thought you were reaching for Belt.
Yasiel Puig – Likely facing suspension after being tossed yesterday for shoving Nick Hundley. Puig was heard yelling, “I drafted Todd Hundley thinking it was you!” You know what’s stupid? MLB tweets out a video of it, and MLB-sponsored accounts make fun of the fight. I’m by no means a saint. I think fighting is fun (assuming I’m not involved). However, MLB promotes it, then suspends a guy for it. Doesn’t that seem assbackwards?
Kenta Maeda – 1 IP, 1 ER. Major league bullpens’ wombs are polluted.
Brian Dozier – 0-for-4, and this comes after an EKG revealed abnormalities with his cardiac rhythms, after leaving Monday’s game with dizziness. Yikes. First, Kenley complains of an irregular heartbeat, now this. What is going around in the Dodgers’ clubhouse? Are they accidentally walking in on Tommy Lasorda in the bathroom? Are the Dodgers reenacting Redd Foxx’s iconic Fred Sanford role? I got questions, y’all! Though, I guess it’s less serious than it sounds since Jansen is aiming to return next week, and Dozier was able to play. In fact, the LA Times is now reporting the Dodgers have discontinued the free ball cap giveaway to the first two fans who donate their hearts.