Rich Hill threw a perfect game yesterday — he pitched into the tenth inning and didn’t get a blister. Are we measuring perfect games for Rich Hill differently now? I thought that was his standard. How about this? Rich Hill threw a perfect game through nine innings if Logan Forsythe would’ve stayed down on a grounder to third, which leaves Forsythe with nothing but hindsight. The irony is thick like Nicki Minaj. Yesterday, Rich Hill went 9 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.32; his only blemish was a tenth-inning, lead-off, walk-off home run by Josh Harrison, oh, that spoil sport. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Williams – 8 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Looks like Trevor Williams threw a perfect game too. I mean, for him.
David Phelps – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the win as he was activated from the DL. For all of you save vultures that need to swoop to live, Edwin Diaz has been wonky, and Phelps might be his handcuff, along with Nick Vincent.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .259. Gonna be disappointing season for Seager because of how insane everyone else is hitting the Guatemalan-sewn baseballs Commissioner Manfred is hand-feeding hitters, but Seager still has a chance to get back to where he usually resides in the 27-homer zone.
Ender Inciarte – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .303. I was a bit scared to look at what Ender’s stats were on my RCL team. I’m in 1st, and third overall out of something like a 1,000 teams, so he couldn’t be that bad. Turned out okay (or is it turnt?): 77/8/40/.314/16 in 487 ABs. Maybe I could’ve found someone better, but when you’re cycling through five or six guys on the reg, it’s nice to have a few guys who have decided to plant roots, and raise a family.
Scott Schebler – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .231. That’s his 1st home run of the 2nd half, and maybe his shoulder is finally starting to feel better. Bebler?
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .269. That’s his third homer in two games. How do you reconcile it with yourself at night when you drafted Kipnis in the fifth round and could’ve had Eugenio 200 picks later? How do you lie to yourself while you are lying down? Laying down? Ugh, stupid English language, I was being poetic!
Mike Montgomery – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.43. I won’t repeat my past refrains of why did the Cubs trade for Quintana instead of just putting Montgomery into the rotation, other than to say it while saying I won’t say it.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .202. You know who might actually come at a bargain next year? This schmohawk.
Corey Kluber – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Kluber’s liable to get shin splints because he’s getting no run support. Bam! High five me! No? Okay.
Jason Kipnis – Hit the DL again with a hamstring strain that’s bothered him for months. At a certain point, you just have to assume your hamstring isn’t going heal and start walking on your hands. Some have said my fantasy advice is marginally better than my medical advice.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – Hit the DL with a thumb sprain. Jackie Bradley Sr. said, “You got your mother’s thumbs!” Ugh, dads can be so tough.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .247. Member in the preseason when I was saying Moreland would break out on the Red Sox? Well, unless he get some acne I don’t know about, I fubar’d that one.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Anyone could’ve received the top hitter at the trading deadline? Figures it would be the Sawx. I mean, Just Dong’s been fine, but Nunez has been next level.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. His ERA is now below where it was last year for his “breakout.” Yes, with the douchey quotes.
Rajai Davis – Traded to the Red Sox to act as SAGNOF royalty and platoon in the outfield. Also, Dave Roberts said he liked his new gig in Los Angeles, so what were the Red Sox supposed to do?
Perfect troll move: Red Sox acquire Rajai Davis just to put fear of God in Aroldis.
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 23, 2017
Kelvin Herrera – Says he would’ve been able to return yesterday, so his tight forearm may not be that big of an issue. You know a middle reliever is bad when you’re hoping the closer, who you don’t own, is okay, and that’s after getting a vulture win from Brandon Maurer (1 IP, 0 ER) yesterday.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. You know those white flowers you blow to make a wish? Well, I’ve collected thousands of them. C’mon, I’ll show you–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Greg Holland – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, and his 4th blown save, ERA up to 3.77, and this game wasn’t even in Coors. After the game, Bud Black gave Holland the dreaded vote of confidence. Usually means the closer will be replaced by 2 PM today. Time zones don’t even matter. Pat Neshek would seem to be the logical choice to replace him, but Jake McGee could sneak in too.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-5 and two homers (15, 16). Do you see what humans, as a species, are capable of if we stop letting people pat our heads?
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer. He will hit another home run by Friday. Bet!
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. Due to the sun around his head, forming a halo, I will call him, Rhysus.
Mark Leiter Jr. – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.86. I originally wrote his name, Al Leiter Jr. Ha, I knew it was one of those motherLeiters. Looking at Leiter’s peripherals, they’re pretty yawnstipating. You can use Stream-o-Nator with him, but I likely would never start him outside of NL-Only leagues.
Wei-Yin Chen – Cleared for rehab starts. And that’s me weighing in on Wei-Yin!
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and fourth homer in four games. More like Jorge Schmotato! So, I got this joke, a Polanco walks into a home run streak…
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 26th homer, hitting .276. I ranked Sanchez number one at catcher in the preseason, and he appears to be all but a lock to be exactly that. Before you scoff, you scoffer, he didn’t look like the number one catcher as recently as a month ago.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .312. That Didi/Ray trade is doing exactly what each club wanted. Well, it was a three-team trade and the Tigers got Shane Greene, but even he’s been all right this year.
Chase Headley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and his 8th homer. Hey, it’s JayWrong’s favorite player! Well, don’t hold that against him. Last year, he had the 3rd best fantasy football rankings out of about 150, according to FantasyPros. (Y’all seg, I segue, snitches!)
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .248. Bad news, seems like Kinsler’s career is trailing off. Good news, we never have to sit through a movie about Kinsler starring Adam Goldberg.
Steven Matz – Underwent season-ending elbow surgery. His doctor was still wearing his eclipse glasses and went by the name, Dr. Nick.
Noah Syndergaard – Had his side session put on hold. Uh-oh, did Gsellman ruin the one elbow all Mets’ starters borrow? On the realsies, Syndergaard is a hiccup away from being shut down for the year.
Dominic Smith – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .190. Dom better drop more bombs on our Moms, if he’s going to struggle to hit for average. I do believe it’s merely a sample size problem — that’s what she snidely said!
Zack Godley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Unlike John Lennon, I wouldn’t say Godley’s dead, but he’s definitely been staggering around, and a start in Metco should produce better results. His next start is not going to be easy, and I could see looking elsewhere in shallower leagues.
Kevin Kiermaier – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer and his 11th steal for the scrumptious double slam and legs. And you should grab him. Yes, right now. No, now. Not after you drain the weasel. Who are you, Pauly Shore? Grab him!
Steven Souza – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 27th homer. Yo, people really want to drop this guy, huh? Every day someone is asking to drop him. He’s a top 20 outfielder on our Player Rater. Stop trying to drop him.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and, like, his 40th homer in the last fifteen games. Practically, the entire Jays team hit a home run yesterday, though Steve Pearce (2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 13th homer) was the only to do it with more than one hit, so kinda whatevs.
Luke Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Two words: facing Padres.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 5th and 6th steal, hitting leadoff, and near-.400 in the last week. Go ahead and grab Wong in the non-sexual way.
Trevor Rosenthal – Headed for Tommy John surgery. Or as millennials would say, “facepalm surgery srsly OMG (eggplant emoji).” That also sounds like an R. Kelly song title.
Seung Hwan Oh – 0 IP, 1 ER in the 8th inning of a game that could’ve turned into a save opportunity. Um, Oh? Honestly, sometimes I think managers are just trolling fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!). I’m at a loss here, but I’d hold Oh, and maybe Lyons if I were desperate. Having a hard time getting on the Brebbia bandwagon, because he sounds like an Italian soda, and has a barely 7 K/9.
Max Scherzer – Will miss his Friday start. Damn, not even out of August and playoff teams are already pulling up on the throttle. (By the way, I Googled throttle to see if I was using it right; still not a 100% sure. Yup, I’m a real man’s man!)
Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.93. I get the sense Edwin’s more like Roy Orbison on Traveling Wilburys vs. Pretty Woman in the 60’s. I.e., Edwin is having a real-life dead cat bounce. Of course, you ride the dead pussy as long as you can, and now I’m going to get arrested.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Five over-the-internet bucks says Bregman is next year’s epitome of a sleeper that’s not really a sleeper.
Matt Moore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.38. Yesterday, the Stream-o-Nator was like Billy Idol screaming, Moore, Moore, Moore.
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.18. You know what’s crazy? People suddenly care about Civil War monuments? No, Random Italicized Voice, but good guess. What’s crazy is guys like Bundy with a low-4 ERA are gonna look like number three starters next year.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homers and his 2nd homer in as many games. The boeuf can’t be contained! Except with a lovely pate and puff pastry.
Manny Machado – 2-for-6, and his 28th homer, hitting .264. “This offseason Machado will be giving a seminar at a Ramada in Parsippany, New Jersey on how to turn a season around–Excuse me, my executive assistant tells me they’ve changed the name of the hotel because it sounded too much like Ramadan.”
Trey Mancini – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Fun fact! I put my Hungry Man dinners on a TV Trey Mancini.
Tim Beckham – 3-for-6 and his 6th steal. Still haven’t heard any explanation why the Rays traded him. Was it a money thing? I don’t think it was, but am curious. If you have the answer, you can reach me at 1-800-The-Comments.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. Ever since he returned from his suspension for shouting out a homophobic slur, he’s been red hot. Since baseball players are superstitious, Joyce may start bringing his neighborhood bag boy to games. Right before an at-bat, he tosses the bag boy a sandwich, and screams, “Easy on the grinder, bag it!”
