So, this is a little unrelated to fantasy — don’t worry, we’ll get to stuff that is 100% unrelated in a second — but here’s the setup, Cal Quantrill (6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09) threw a good pitch to get Reese McGuire to pop-up and celebrated on the mound. Reese McGuire wasn’t happy and yelled at Cal Quantrill. Here’s what Cal Quantrill said back, which is 100% accurate:
Cal Quantrill said “you jacked off in a fucking parking lot you dumb fuck” to Reese McGuire. #RedSox #Rockies That caused the benches to clear. pic.twitter.com/ajAiKkntSp
— Dan Cleary? (@DanCleary79) July 24, 2024
As the kids say, I am dead. I am mortified for Reese McGuire. If someone said that to me and it were true, I’d park in a Dollar Tree parking lot and cry. An opposing team should make this Reese McGuire’s walkup music. Just Cal on repeat. If the Rockies had any identity, they’d start selling “You jacked off in a parking lot” t-shirts before that game ended. I want people walking around Coors saying, “My ‘You jacked off in the parking lot’ T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.” Any hoo, yesterday the Rox got their Sox off! Hey oh! Ryan McMahon (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 15th homer. Can I predict what fantasy ‘perts at other sites will say about McMahon next March? Okay, let’s see if I can do it, “McMahon is so underrated at 150 ADP. I’m drafting him everywhere.” Then you get to April 15th and you’re thinking, “Man, this guy is so boring. McMahon stinks too.” Also, in this game, Ezequiel Tovar (3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 17th homer, as he hit leadoff, but don’t worry, Charlie Blackmon will be back in there as soon as humanly possible. Then Brenton Doyle went dong-a-rooski (2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs) as he hit his 17th. Finally, Jacob Stallings (3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) and his 5th homer. I call my car Jacob, because it be Stallings! But when it does stall, I don’t pleasure myself. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Nick Pivetta – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.50. Apropos of everything, while typing this up, I farted.
Chayce McDermott– 4 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, as he made his MLB debut vs. the Marlins. Itch’s post yesterday was about his Chayce McDermott fantasy. Itch had the disadvantage of saying that before the start. I’ll add, Chayce makes hitters chayse! I’m the first person to ever say that! Absolutely! No? Okay. Chayce’s command is too much of a mess for me to get in on him in 12 teamers or shallower, without seeing more. He had a 5.3 BB/9 in Triple-A. Meh, me no likey.
Connor Norby – Being called up to replace Mateo. Norby was 16/13/.297 in 80 games in Triple-A and is extremely intriguing if he’s playing. I don’t know if he is every day. For those reading into that as, “Why would they call him up and not play him?” He was called up before and didn’t play every day. Already gave you my Connor Norby fantasy. Nothing really’s changed from that, aside from the date.
Edward Cabrera – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 7.04. Subjected myself to watching this to see Chayce, and he looked better than EdCab, and neither looked great. Wouldn’t even Streamonator EdCab, if being honest.
Josh Bell – 2-for-3 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Bell is the type to go from zero to schmotato with the quickness. Then, once he’s traded, he’s awful again.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. This home run went into the river. Not Phoenix or Ryan.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, 5 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.20. He was one-hitting the Cards through four innings, and blanked them for six. In related news, the Cards looked awful through four innings, and not much better through six.
Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.40. When I drafted Cole by accident in the preseason, I regretted it. Then I regretted it more when he got injured. Now, that’s he’s pitching, I regret it the most.
Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert (at least)!
Juan Soto – 2-for-3 and his 26th homer. Letting Sexy Dr. Pepper beat you when you have Austin Wells hitting cleanup takes some true galaxy braining from Sean Manaea (4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.74).
Christian Scott – Will rest and rehab his elbow and not get surgery. Mets’ beat writer opened this with, “Good news.” I don’t know how this is good news. This always just delays the inevitable. Always. Still waiting for Gerrit Cole to say he needs TJ, because of course he does.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Albombso!
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer, 3rd and 4th homer in three games. He’s already 20/20 in July, and somehow underrated.
Tyrone Taylor – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Everyone is Devers off Gerrit Cole now, I’m gonna be sick.
Mark Vientos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .290. His K% in the majors is so much better than the minors. Has anyone dug into why? Serious question.
Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.95 vs. Tanner Bibee – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.50. This matchup was billed as, “Grey wants to already draft these guys in every 2025 league.” Lots of people call it this.
Matt Vierling – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, 3rd homer in July and hitting near-.280. Is that good? Maybe in some leagues!
Seiya Suzuki – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Seiya ball!
Justin Steele – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.08. As someone who watched this start, everyone who has Steele should be thankful this wasn’t a 1/3 IP, 7 ER start. Starting Steele needing steel nerves.
Christian Yelich – Hit the IL with back pain, and is seeing a spine specialist about possible season-ending surgery. That’s Yuckish.
JP Sears – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.81. Sears just didn’t have his best stuff. Kinda like…well, a Sears.
Hunter Brown – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.00. That’s 12 consecutive outings he’s gone at least six innings. He’s lowered his ERA in that time from 7.71. If you throw out his April, when he had an ERA of 11.84, his ERA would be 2.47 in 87 1/3 IP. That’s a pretty good run. That run will get you in the Paris Olympics for at least a handful of countries.
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. Mitch don’t kill my vibe!
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. This start was vs. the Angels, so, yeah, I wouldn’t put much weight on it. Even his opponent, Griffin Canning (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.04) looked decent. It’s actually amazing anyone scored in the Angels/Mariners game. If you’re wondering, I wouldn’t touch Canning, even if the Streamonator liked him.
Ricky Tiedemann – Set to get a 2nd and 3rd opinion this week on his elbow. The Third Opinion Doctor will be in one of those soundproof booths like in a game show.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, 5th homer in seven games. Just gave you a long Cake Batter rundown yesterday. Use your scrolly finger, and scroll on, playa!
Yariel Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.69. Ya know what he is in 12-teamers? Guy on waivers who you stream, then drop, then repeat, and no one else ever picks him up. Kinda like Michael Wacha (4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.65), who was iffy last night, but whatever, one start, yadda-blabbity-bloob.
Yimi Garcia – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.70, as he worked the 9th in a non-save situation, and Chad Green (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.82) worked the 7th. Kinda Cust Kayin’.
Zach Eflin – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Zach ain’t Eflin around, he wants off the Rays.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .296. The year he’s having that was predicted by zero people. Sure, you might’ve liked the value where he was going in drafts to get a 20-homer, .270 hitter, but you didn’t see this coming. Don’t even try to lie.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in four games. If you need power, call PSE&G! Damn, busted you! Or you could grab Eugenio.
Christian Walker – 1-for-5 and his 23rd homer. Onward Christian Walker!
James McArthur – 1 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.91. I’d like McArthur to commit seppuku. Ironically. I guess you can stash Hunter Harvey (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.21), but he hasn’t been much better, in general, and the Royals might be on the market for a closer.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.47, as he returned from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Ever notice that the more comfortable the chair is, the less it spins correctly?”
Nick Ahmed – 1-for-3, 1 run as he signed with the Dodgers. Ahmed makes house calls, but only if the call is coming from inside the NL West.
Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, zero hits, 2 walks, 8 Ks, as he was activated. Giddy the eff up! Put on your tightest pants and GIDDY THE EFF UP! Put on your tightest pants, get on a mop and treat it like a horsey! Okay, I didn’t say Simon Says literally once there. What are you doing? So, I’ve been telling you to grab Ray for the last few weeks. Gave you a Robbie Ray fantasy a few weeks back. As I keep saying, I have no faith in Senga, think Kershaw is old, but Ray can be an ace for the 2nd half.
Elly De La Cruz – 3-for-5, 3 runs and a slam (18) and a double legs (50). Wild on E! is wild on the basepaths.
Jake Fraley – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (13). Barely a top 400 player on the Player Rater. F’raley. (Haters hate.)
Allan Winans – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 15.26. Worst Winans brother since Marlon.
Luis Robert Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, as he hits .230. Since I was on the Player Rater for Fraley, LouBob is around 300 overall. Injuries, but woof.
Corey Seager – 4-for-5, 3 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .269. Any guess on Seager’s Player Rater value? He’s actually played almost the whole year — 88 out of 101 games. Any guess? Around 100. Ouch. It is a shame we lost that one commenter who was adamant that I ranked Seager too low in the preseason. He’ll return next January with more great advice.
Nathaniel Lowe – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer since the Break, hitting .266. He’s what Ty France once dreamed about being, call him Chase Dreams.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.31. This was vs. the White Sux, who, by the by, might lose 120 games this year. Just incredible.
Trea Turner – 2-for-5 and a slam (13) and legs (13), and his 10th homer in July. Yeah, Urner’s still got some Treats.
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Nola always seems to be teetering on a disastrous start.
Matt Wallner – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer. I keep waiting for the breakout, so I will monocle, but playing every few days doesn’t instill much confidence. One of the hardest situations in baseball is being a lefty playing for Baldelli. Wallner didn’t even finish the game. Thinking back 40 years and imagining Earl Weaver removing a hitter from his lineup after he homered. This is boomer energy. As in I like guys that hit the ball back back back back back.
David Festa – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 8.16, as he was recalled. Festa was brought in after Bryce Harper hit in the 1st inning, with a man on 2nd! Baldelli is so stupid, I can’t even. I don’t even care that the Twins won, that’s just dumb. “Let’s use an Opener to get past Harper, then bring in our young pitcher with a man on 2nd for his first pitch.” Yes, brilliantly stupid.
Matt Waldron – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Streamonator hates his next one, and it’s vs. the Dodgers, so I kinda agree.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, 2nd homer in two games. I traded for Profar in one of my leagues. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Also, I needed hitting in that league, and they asked for Alexis Diaz, who I think might lose his job after a trade, and could be traded to the AL, which would render him useless in my NL-Only league where I made the trade. Giving you full disclosure, even though you don’t care.
Juan Yepez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. No, he’s not a near-.400 hitter, but he is a hot schmotato, and that has value.
Mitchell Parker – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.34. Yesterday was a bad day for Parkers.
