“Hey, I was just walking through this factory outlet mall when I came upon your store. I heard of Big ‘n Tall shops before but this is my first time ever in a Tight ‘n Rumpy. It seems like all you sell is…pants? Is that right? What’s that? Oh, excuse me, all you sell is tight pants. Interesting. But–pardon the pun–aren’t pants tight or loose depending on the caboose? These pants are magical? No matter the swing on the back porch these pants become tight? Wow, I’d love to try on a pair! What’s that? They’re like underwear and you can’t try them on? That’s very dumb. I’d expect better from someone so interested in the bum. Who is your manager? Let me speak to your manager of the Tight ‘n Rumpy! I demand to speak–” Out walks Robbie Ray. “So, that’s where you’ve been! Here I thought you were rehabbing from Tommy John surgery. You’ve been doing that too? Is it weird that I’m holding a one-sided conversation this long? No? Great!” So, Robbie Ray and his Tight ‘n Rumpy pants are on the road to recovery. He had his first rehab start the other day, and he was sitting 94.1 MPH on average and touched 95 on his fastball, which was at 92.9 last year and 93.4 MPH the year before. Daddy Tight Pants is all back, baby! And he’s also close to returning. He could return as a top 20 starter. Giants said he’ll rehab for three weeks and then we’ll see where he is. So, two more weeks, i.e., he’s coming back right after the All-Star Break or my name isn’t Grey–Ugh, sorry, one second, I can’t breathe in these pants. Anyone have any scissors to get them off? Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
SIKE! This post was released on Wednesday for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:
BUY
Ben Rortvedt – Something about an “rtv” in the middle of a name that makes it impossible to spell. I’d challenge one of those little 8-year-old spelling whizzes (wizzes?) to a “Rortvedt off.” Anyway, Ben has been hitting well.
Kyle Higashioka – From Rortvedt to Higashioka, over here flexing on the spelling bee kids. Step off, Vikram, I’m a spelling genius! (I needed autocorrect for genius.) Just went to look at Higashioka’s season-long numbers and they’re so hilariously terrible, but he has been hot.
Mitch Garver – A three-catcher buy week, or as I like to call it, a self-induced headache.
Michael Toglia – [waiter holds a bottle of red schmotato wine] From the region of Toglia? My favorite!
Gabriel Arias – It’s the age of Arias! Twenty-four.
Jhonkensy Noel – Just gave you Jhonkensy Noel fantasy. Jhonk if horny!
@razzballfantasyHow to pronounce the new Guardians’ call-up, Jhonkensy Noel? Good Morning – Kanye West
Spencer Horwitz – Here’s what I said the other day, “Haven’t gone over Horwitz in-depth, because anyone who sounds like my accountant I can’t take serious. Also, he’s exactly the type that is interesting in the big picture, and not in the micro, because he’s a hit tool guy first, i.e., he might hit .290 and 10/10 over the course of 162. It’s better for deeper leagues than shallower, and he platoons out vs. lefties. Though, maybe that happens less if the Jays are sellers in July.” And that’s me quoting me!
Alec Burleson – I try to keep the Buys to 50% rostered or less, but Burleson is at 72% and should be at 100%. I’m sorry, chop-chop! Let’s go!
Tyler Black – Bet he gets on mixed league radars — “Did someone say ‘bet?'” Not now, Tucupita Marcano! — but I’m not sure he is on mixed league radars yet. I think he becomes more interesting in time because he has 40+ steal speed.
Daniel Schneemann – I know he’s been playing and hitting, so I expected to be wowed by his stats. I was not wowed. His minor league numbers don’t look too bad, but he was old for the minors. [Not Like Us plays, Drake lowers his head]
Dylan Moore – Not saying D. Moore is a perfect 10, but he’s been easily better than Bo.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Because I was looking at the Player Rater to make sure my Moore/10/Bo joke actually tracked with reality, I happened to notice Israeli Diner Falafel was better than Bichette too, and, my God, I hate Pieceofchette. He’s so terrible! Israeli Diner Falafel has been hotter than the chickpea he’s made of, so this isn’t about that. Pieceofchette though? He’s basically droppable in mixed leagues. He’s dreadful.
Brendan Donovan – From railing at Pieceofchette to BDon, what is this? A Razzball podcast?
Jonathan India – With Friedl out — is there an echo? I feel like I’ve heard that before. — India has been hitting leadoff. And he’s been better than Pieceofchette too! Okay, I will stop now.
Colt Keith – For every guy in this post, I check their overall stats, even though this is about what they’ve done recently. Usually when I look at their overall stats, I’m yawnstipated at best. With that said (Grey’s about to turn this ship around!), Keith’s numbers show more promise than I expected.
Brooks Lee – Finally, the old man from Shawshank Redemption gets his shine! Brooksly is a 25/.280 hitter if the Twins ever decide to call him up.
Mark Vientos – If you were excited about Brooksly, Vientos is doing that right now. Actually, he’s on pace for closer to 35/.280. Also, just gave you a Mark Vientos fantasy.
Jose Miranda – You have the right to remain silent until you pick up Miranda. If you need a hot-hitting 3rd baseman.
Josh H. Smith – Josh Jung was Wally Pipp’d by a fellow Josh. Luckily for Jung, he has Ezequiel to Pipp. Et tu, Joshie?
Heston Kjerstad – Just gave you my Heston Kjerstad fantasy. It was written while saying, “Oh ok,” while not paying attention.
James Wood – Being called up for Monday. Yes, I’d grab him. Yes, even in your league. Already gave you my James Wood fantasy. It’s still relevant, because I’m prescient, snitches.
Jesus Sanchez – If you see the Vatican emit white smoke, it means they’ve named Jesus the new hot schmotato.
Will Brennan – Do you know how good his plate discipline is? Guess his strikeout rate. Okay, now cut that in half. Then in half again. Damn, Brennan might be shortlisted for a 2025 sleeper.
Leody Taveras – Rangers don’t steal many bags — see also Wyatt Langford — but Leody is running a bit more* this year. (*A tad. A skosh. A teeny weeny.)
Hunter Goodman – I’m hesitant to recommend picking up a Rockies hitter for home games, and they’re currently on the road, but Goodman has been hot and it’s the White Sux this weekend.
Harrison Bader – He might’ve been fueled by the sweet nectar of revenge vs. the Yankees, but how do you know if you don’t try one? I sound like Willy Wonka with hot schmotatoes.
Joey Loperfido – How long until strikeout rates normalize because Loperfido’s is wacky nuts, hooboy, what is he doing? The Astros brought you up. No reason to press. Chillax, and stop swinging at everything. (I am now a hitting coach.)
Aaron Civale – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to it’s neighborhood carpet store.
Lance Lynn – This is also a Streamonator call. “Your shag carpeting is very dangerous. I got my leg-wheels caught and almost fell.”
Chad Green – Kinda excited about Green. He’s been pitching excellent; Romano and Yimi are hurt; Jays won’t be buying a closer at the deadline; semicolons are fun.
Keegan Thompson – Ya know what the Cubs’ pen feels like? They’ll just go back to Neris for saves until they trade for Tanner Scott. They went to Porter Hodge yesterday. You know Porter Hodge, don’t you? He works at that fancy hotel in the 1870s.
Reed Garrett – Edwin Diaz is out for about a week due to being caught with sticky stuff on his hands. Thankfully, he didn’t also use the excuse of fertility drugs.
Sean Hjelle – Looked at Jared Koenig for this week’s middle reliever. Koenig worried me so went with Hjelle. This sentence would not be out of place with a shopper at Ikea. “The Koenig lamp only comes in white and that’s why I went with Hjelle. I like the brown.”
SELL
Jazz Chisholm Jr. – This is more of a feeling. Marlins are one of the most wretched teams that have ever been assembled. Their bats were labeled MIA for Miami, but ended up Missing In Action. Their pitching is even worse. They’re done. They might be lucky to not lose 110 games. A guy who seems wholly checked out is Jazz. Spending his afternoons talking to his agent about getting him traded. On top of that, his BABIP is high, he’s never stayed on the field in past years, and why would he risk his body to steal bags when the Marlins are down by seven runs every game? Jazz Chisholm Jr. is the most overrated 20/20/.250 hitter who has never actually gone 20/20, but he’s also on a team that couldn’t motivate Tony Robbins. I wouldn’t trade Jazz Chisholm Jr. for a slice of a urinal cake but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.
