Paul Skenes for Fantasy Baseball

Often pitchers are kept in the minors so they can work on certain pitches. They reportedly need more polish. Pirates are the first team to hold a pitcher in the minors so they can polish something — the key to the city, which Paul Skenes will rightfully be receiving one day. Prolly after his first Cy Young, but maybe after his third. Imagine the Pirates’ chagrin when they realized they’re gonna have to pay for Skenes and a key to the city. Did the Pirates factor that into their budget? If I ever got a key to a city, I’d just walk from store to store opening them when I wanted something. “Buddy, it’s not a skeleton key.” That’s my friend as I try my key to the city at my favorite boba place. Any hoo! Pirates finally said they’re calling up Paul Skenes for Saturday, and there hasn’t been a minor league pitcher who looked as ready as him in some time. If you were to tell me, he’s a MLB pitcher, who was rehabbing because he was on the IL after a bad case of vertigo, which caused him to chase a blonde girl around the city of San Fran, it would not surprise me. Every clip I see of Skenes I come away thinking the same thing, he could be on his 3rd year of the majors. Pitchers only get so many bullets before they are shooting blanks, which makes it a shame he was wasting them in the minors, but soon, my Precious. The Pirates just needed to find an affordable locksmith. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Cease as in sheesh, that’s good. Carpe Cease’r! It’s not even Julius on the calendar and us Cease’rs are diem’ing? Are any of these good? I’m workshopping! His stuff. It’s beautiful. His .210 wOBA is top 4% in the league; his 4-seamer produces a .164 batting average against — that’s on a pitch he throws more than 40% of the time! Hope you’re not allergic, because that’s nuts! Oh, and that’s his 2nd best pitch! His slider he throws 40% of the time has a .127 BAA. Dylan Cease is about to win the NL Cy Young, and looks like an easy top five pitcher in the majors. Barring the Padres calling up Ettoo Brute.

Christian Yelich – 0-for-5 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Sure, I can stop mimicking Back to the Future with ‘Where we’re going we don’t need Rose,’ every time I leave for lunch and pass Rose at reception.”

Tyler Black – Optioned to the minors. “Oh c’mon!” said like Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar. This is ridiculous. Do they know they have Jake Bauers still on their team? Oliver Dunn?

Gary Sanchez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Filthy Sanchez is a hot schmotato!

Brady Singer – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.36. There’s a story, of a man named Brady, who was thought to be a streamer, but wasn’t at all…He was also a gay architect. Long story.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .327. Glad to see he remembered we don’t want “just line drives” from him. Don’t become Vlad Jr.!

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Better, but still not 100% right. He definitely seemed to flip a switch at one point and knocked down 12 batters straight, then was kept in too long. He showed flashes, but if I can be more of a downer, he was a foot away from getting killed in the 3rd. If you’re a hangdog and wearing your ‘I’m with Bassitt’ t-shirt, the results should have you mildly optimistic.

Aaron Nola – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Speaking of guys who don’t seem 100% right, but this is going back a year-plus with Nola. He was nearly beat for a home run by Israeli-Diner Falafel, which was inches from making this start look way worse.

Tanner Bibee – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.91. This was the afternoon game I watched, and Bibee looks remarkably bleh. Call him Blehbee. Usually Blehbee has solid command, and he wasn’t locating anything, and, like you before puberty, was leaving his balls up. Not great, Blehbee.

Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.47 and his second win. In the files of It’s Better To Be Lucky Than Good, I wanted no part of Clase, and “accidentally” drafted him, and it was one of my better picks. Ain’t ever shaking the “I’m an idiot” rep.

Reese Olson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Unlike Blehbee, Olson looks better than his peripherals. He desperately needs better command to be anywhere close to a forceful candidate for shallower leagues. Right now, he’s borderline in deeper mixed leagues. At any point, everything Reese’s built can fall to pieces.

Jason Foley – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.51. Way to secure the. Dot dot dot. 7th inning? Hmm, that doesn’t seem to be a closer’s usage. I looked to grab Alex Lange everywhere; he’s been lights-out since inexplicably being removed from the job.

Dane Dunning – Hit the IL with a shoulder issue. Too bad, so sad–Oh, wait a second! We have:

Jack Leiter – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 12.91 as he was recalled. Leiter could be an ace. He needs to figure out command, but that comes out of nowhere sometimes. Is he usable right now? Absolutely not.

Marcus Semien – 6-for-10, 4 runs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. That’s a Semien blast! Which sounds like the worst name for a toothpaste.

Leody Taveras – 2-for-8, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Leody is a burning hot schmotato!

Evan Carter – 1-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .218. Sat out 1st game, shat out 2nd game. How long until he’s demoted?

Shea Langeliers – 5-for-9, 3 runs, 8 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, and a single short of the cycle in the 1st game. Sia’s favorite schmotato, Langeliers!

Brent Rooker – 5-for-9, 2 runs, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Was going to say how sad it was that I was worried when he was pulled from the 1st game early, thinking there might be an injury, but that’s not sad at all to be worried about Rooker. He’s been fantastic!

Juan Soto – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper gonna have a 45-homer, .330 season then leave in free agency and in two years no one will remember he ever played for the Yanks.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. That homer was 120 MPH off the bat, the fastest hit ball of the year and it reminded me why I fell in love with Giancarlo all those years ago, then was issued a restraining order, then, dressed as mailbox, sat outside his house for five years.

Aaron Judge – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. This was the first time Giancarlo, Soto and Judge all homered in the same game. I blame Judge.

Carlos Rodon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Not to poo-poo the positive, but this looked more like “Astros look lost” than “Rodon looks great.”

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hey, it’s all good, but where are the steals, Mr. H2H?

Jorge Soler – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. It is slightly curious when a guy only performs well in his contract year. Cust kayin’.

Kyle Bradish – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.86. Impressed by how good he’s looked since his return. Looking Bradish, not even Bradish-ish.

Gunnar Henderson – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .271. Nice of him to rejoin the “Gunnar’s quest for AL MVP.” Hard to carry on without him.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Don’t let Santander get good in the O’s lineup too.

Craig Kimbrel – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.73 and another high leverage Hold. Great stuff! Not sure how long they’re going to let Cano or Coulombe pitch much better in every inning except the 9th and let Kimbrel try to fork over every game.

Mitchell Parker – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.67. As long as his BB/9 is 1.7 hard to see how bad this could turn out, and Streamonator has him facing the White Sox next. (which is the dreaded jinx).

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Hit the IL with a fractured wrist that will sideline him for eight weeks. Outside of very deep leagues, you can move on. Not to Espinal, who is taking over for CES, unless things are dire.

Graham Ashcraft – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Watched this Reds/DBacks game and my biggest takeaway was Elly is gonna steal 100 bags.

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Oh, no, is he suffering from the same ailment as Bailey Ober? Is he throwing too many strikes? Don’t forget to waste one here, guys!

Kevin Ginkel – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.14. Good news for Ginkel owners is he was still brought in for the save with Sewald back. Bad news is he sucked.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (1). Back in Cincy and barely recognizable, because he changed his hair, thankfully. You don’t remember his hair? Oh are you in for a treat!

Nick Pivetta – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60. Pivetta, one of the greatest teases in modern lore. There’s a whole section on–Well, it’s called PivettaHub.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Could Ozuna sneeze on Olson, perhaps?

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.95. Cut up his old teammates for old times’ sake.

George Kirby – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.15. Honestly, whatever, I just don’t want him to be hurt. Please be healthy.

Willi Castro – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .273. I have a list of guys who I like way more than I should, Willi’s near the top of that list.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .261. I have a list of guys who I hate way more than I should, Correa’s on the top of that list.

Trevor Larnach – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer, hitting .360. He’s not on a list. Listless.

Chris Paddack – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Was surprised to see his peripherals look pretty good — 8.9 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 3.50 xFIP. Still a batting practice fastball, but if he has his command, he can be decent. Am I picking him up? Meh, the tough thing is he’s solid for a deep league, but there he’s rostered.

Braxton Garrett – Activated from the IL. Still like Garrett, but I can’t help feeling everything the Fish touch turns to rotten. That’s ancedotal, and I would try Garrett in any league, but I am way less excited about than when I gave you my sleeper on him in the preseason.

Edward Cabrera – Hit the Ineffective List with a totally real injury to his shoulder and not at all a made-up injury because he was pitching like a poop emoji.

Bryan De La Cruz – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Marlins are Jazz, Cruz and snooze.

Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. [banging head on desk to emphasize each word] Such…an…obvious…draft…pick!

Daniel Hudson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.38, and his 2nd save. Vesia’s save the other day tells me this is a timeshare, like the thing you go to look at to get $10 in chips in Aruba.

Gavin Stone – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Still getting questions about picking up or dropping Stone, like you’re a dietician in Britain, when he should likely just be rostered in all leagues.

Martin Perez – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Streamonator hates his next, so that’s it on him, but if anyone better than Perez faces this Angels’ lineup again, start them:

What if the Angels traded away Trout? pic.twitter.com/t6IcdhMVVV

— Razzball (@Razzball) May 8, 2024

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .259. Without knowing anything but the bare minimum, how is Adell batting 8th in that lineup? How much coke is Ron doing?

Jose Soriano – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.32. Jose Sorry-ass-oh!

Taj Bradley – Activated from the IL. Definitely worth a flyer in most leagues. He has some of the best stuff in baseball. He could be an ace. Stamina? Might not be there. Consistency? We’ll see. But you should try in most leagues.

Aaron Civale – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.88. If you have a league with things like xFIP, then cool. If you’re in normal leagues where you need things like wins, ERA and WHIP, I’m not sure of your options, but I’d be calling an option play.

Paul DeJong – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Colonel Mustard in the trash for a hot schmotato and a banana peel!

Anthony Hoopii-Tuionetoa – Rangers traded him to the White Sox for Robbie Grossman. Aw sookie, we have a big trade to discuss! Roll up your sleeves and let’s get to it! Or should I say roll up your grass skirts for Hoopii-Tuionetoa? Good try by the White Sox to get rid of Grossman, but fans are still gonna say that for their lineup. You can’t trade away an adjective.