Of course, the title is referring to Nelson Muntz, but Jimmy Nelson sounds like a sitcom character too. Like the kid who is sweet to the parents, but is really the devil incarnate when no one is looking. Eddie Haskell, if your references go back that far. Fun fact! Chad Billingsley’s grandma starred in that show. So, Jimmy Nelson had a solid game last night (6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, and his ERA is down to 3.57), but that’s not THAT good (caps for emphasis, not aesthetics). No, but his month of July ERA was 1.64. THAT is THAT good (not for emphasis, but now my autocorrect ‘learned’ THAT and wants THAT capped and I can’t shut THAT off). Where is all of this coming from? Great question, clunky expositional transition! I’d say it’s not where it’s coming from, but where has it been? Ooh, you like that switcheroo. Nelson had a 1.46 ERA in the PCL with a 9.2 K/9 last year, throws 93 MPH and has worked hard to add a curve that he never had before this year. He feels like a guy that will click at some point, and be a top 20 starter. This year could be rocky still, but I think he’s worth trying for a few starts to see if he’s already turned that corner. I’ve been rocking three starters in my RCL league since April, but after streaming Nelson yesterday, I kinda want to hold him. While an Air Supply song plays softly in the background. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dustin Ackley – Hit the DL. That trade was so money, Cashman!
Michael Pineda – Ruled out for August. Yeah, no kidding. He has a forearm muscle strain. We won’t be seeing him until mid-September at the earliest, and it wouldn’t shock me if he doesn’t return, except for a tuneup for the playoffs. In the meantime, Pineda can work the quinceanera circuit.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Yawnstipating at best, whatevs at worst. Anyone really sad they didn’t draft him?
Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Granted, some of these guys have had injuries, but he’s been more valuable on the year than Zobrist, Ellsbury (1-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI), Denard, Brandon Moss and Alex Gordon. What the fudge, world? You messing with me?
Mookie Betts – No longer has concussion symptoms. But he also lost his head. AH!!! Kidding. He has his head. It was right where he left it.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Hahahahahahaha… Inner Monologue, “Breathe, Grey, breathe!” Don’t you see what the bleb is doing? I held him three months longer than I should’ve and then he gets back in the lineup and homers. Inner Monologue, “Yeah, that does appear to be what Sandoval’s up to. Anyway, can I get back to thinking about ‘girls you won’t be getting’ while humming Young MC?”
Henry Owens – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first major league start. Two of the runs came when Robbie Ross Jr. coughed up inherited runs. You want to play in the majors, but you need to deal with lousy relievers, O. Henry.
Leonys Martin – Optioned to the minors. Next step will be in a bit role in a larger trade this offseason to a team that will actually play him.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and first as an Astro. Rerro Rorge!
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. I swear this schmohawk’s name has been popping up all over the comments recently about dropping him. That was all it took, apparently. One of you is the reverse Robert Durst here.
Danny Duffy – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA down to 4.04 in Comerica, though I’m not sure if that’s a solid start or a bad start now that they dumped Yoenis and Miggy is on the DL. Nick Castellanos (3-for-4) has come on of late, but there’s only so much Castellanos can do no matter how many times Stanley Kowlawski screams the middle of his name.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.05. You know how you look in the mirror and see your father? I wonder if Kershaw looks in the mirror and sees Verlander.
Mike Dunn – 2/3 IP, 4 ER. Okay, so, what you’re, uh, saying is he’s not the guy to pick up for vulture saves? Loud and clear, Dunn. By the by, is it sad that I stared at Dunn’s line for like three minutes praying there was an error on the play to take away all of those runs?
David Wright – Could begin rehab games next week. I am over the moon about this. Over the moon! I have one of those ‘Gone Fishing’ mooning guy desk ornaments and I am standing over it.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Three point five one is also the time in seconds he gains in a foot race if he sticks out his nose. As for his pitching, I’d consult with the Stream-o-Nator before starting him anywhere.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Carpenter’s post-game presser went like this, “Rainy days and Mondays always get me down, but Tuesday’s are cool with me, ya heard?”
John Lackey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.85 vs. Anthony DeSclafani 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Fun fact! DeSclafani has an uncle in organized crime and he has a lot of lackeys.
Brandon Phillips – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 15th steal. 15 steals?! When did that happen? Did he get 14 steals on Saturday and I missed it? I was wondering how he was ranked so high on our Player Rater, but those steals explain a lot. Feels like a bad year to give up on old guys that you gave up on.
Anthony Rizzo – 4-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .293. Not that long ago people were complaining about Rizzo’s year. You people are crazy. Yeah, you people.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Recently, I was saying Arrieta and Lester are two sides of the same coin. I think I might’ve been eating too much of my own bull on that one. Arrieta feels like a half step (or tier) better than Lester.
Chris Denorfia – 3-for-6, 1 run. As a kid, I went to a school dance with a Krissie Denorfia, so it’s hard for me to take this guy seriously. Plus, he’s a platoon player. And a total prude!
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer. I’m sure I’m not the only one this has happened to. I had my team page open all day with the previous day’s stats still on it and I saw Donaldson had homered and I refreshed the page, thinking that was Monday’s stats, but it was Tuesday’s and he had homered again. Okay, maybe that does only happen to me.
Marco Estrada – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Yeah, well, this game came against the Tloses.
Richie Shaffer – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. I guess I should’ve gave him more than one game to prove himself on my team. Whatever, I get bored halfway through a Vine! On the fo’reallies, I would own him in leagues where I was hurting for power. Give him at least a week (unlike me).
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 7th homer. I can see it now. Father and son at the Rays game. “Who’s your favorite player, son? Richie, Mikie, Asdrubal?” “What the f*ck are you talking about, Dad?”
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. I’m glad I owned him in one Clouseau deep league where it made no sense to drop him. Likely the only way I would’ve held him all year, and I’m glad I did.
Chris Sale – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 3.52. He’s coming off a July (aren’t we all?), which was his worst month of his career as a starter. Picking up things in August the same way too. I don’t want to yell fire in the theater of Razzball, but I wouldn’t be surprised if within the next few starts it’s announced he has an injury.
Tyler Saladino – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer as he continues to bat 2nd. No, he’s not glamorous, but I’ve been rocking him and he has three homers and two steals in 22 games. Not gonna win you a title, but not a bad role player in a pinch with his shortstop eligibility.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Not even gonna say anything, because you hate him. Y’all a bunch of haters!
Brad Miller – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 11th steal. Yes, he’s been hot. He’s also been in Coors.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4 and his 31st homer. One more homer before a hamstring injury! C’mon, Cruz, do it for your old buddy, Grey.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .303. If nothing else, Hundley has been a great case example of the Coors effect. He was a .245 hitter before this year. Yup.
Patrick Corbin – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Well, that didn’t quite play out as I expected. Not the most surprising thing from yesterday. That would be what I found out about Lenny Kravitz. I can’t believe he’s still performing! I don’t think Corbin is going to be without risk, but he did look solid coming into this game and I’d try to hold him.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and hitting near-.375 in the last week with two homers as he plays every day. Hot schmotato alert! On a related note, whose food did Yasmany eat out of the fridge without asking permission? Doode disappeared from the Diamondbacks. He’s not even pinch hitting for the pitcher.
C.J. Wilson – Will get a 2nd opinion on his elbow from Dr. Neal ElAttrache. Wasn’t the ElAttrache that weird looking Nike sneaker in the 90’s?
Carlos Carrasco – 9 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. Do you see what he’s capable of when he gets out of the 1st inning unscathed? Do you?! And you wondered why I was so high on him all year. He’s now given up three hits in the last 18 innings. Three, homeslice. Three!
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 4.01. Has been an odd season for him. All over the shop, really. But he seems to have found his better half, and I’d definitely grab The Cobbler.
Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Likely just a mediOAKer pitcher at this point, but you never know what Beane’s pulling out his ass, which was the working title for Moneyball.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. The sound of the ball leaving the bat sounded like splooge.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. “Thanks for meeting us, Stan Lee. Okay, so Hunter Pants is a private detective by day and The Gangly Manbird by night…”
Nori Aoki – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. He’s pushed himself back to the top of the order and coming off a multi-hit game on Monday. He tends to get scorching hot, so I’d cyclops him if I needed average and runs.
Matt Duffy – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, hitting .309. You know who he feels like? Sandoval circa…Well, Sandoval before he was just a circle.
Alex Wood – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Phils, ERA up to 3.65. Okay, but if you throw out his game at Coors earlier this year, it’s still good! It’s…still…good… Oh, no, Robot Grey is shutting down. Oil, Cougs, stat!
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-5 in his first game back in The Bank since he left Philly. To greet him, Philly fans showered him with vomit and batteries.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, hitting near-.350 in the last week and has multiple hits in four of his last five games. Looks like Cesar’s dressing up that hot schmotato.
Maikel Franco 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, a grand salami. The etymological origins of the phrase ‘grand salami’ is pretty interesting. According to Wikipedia, Lou Gehrig, who was the career grand slam leader, was greeted at home plate after a home run by Babe Ruth with a soppressata that he would stick out his pants like Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party. But after a grand slam, the Babe would bring out a larger Jewish salami that he borrowed from Fatty Arbuckle.