*glances at Houston score* Welp, another insane offensive night for the As–Wait a second! Make that As– into an A’s. We’ve got a barnburner like the Astros were John Wilkes Booth! (If you get that joke, you’ve also read Manhunt, to which I say — nerd!) The ALCS is going to be a series of 24-23 games that last eighteen hours. “Joe Buck, are you even watching the game or are you just reading old issues of Men’s Health with the pages stuck together?” That’s Ron Darling reprimanding Buck. It was the 4th inning and the entire A’s lineup already had multiple hits, so let’s check some boxes, shall we? Sean Murphy (3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 2nd and 3rd homers, and I recently picked him up for an AL-Only league. He had ten quick homers in only 31 games of Triple-A so he’s got power to spare, and Chris Herrmann was just designated for assignment. I hope Herrmann can find peace with they’re re-assignment. Matt Olson (2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs) also hit two homers. What Olson is doing in 70% of a season and without a hamate is going fairly unnoticed, and I already know I’m going to be so high on him in 2020. Then, Marcus Semien (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 27th homer, because what goes up must come down with, uh, Semien. Finally, Khris Davis (3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 20th homer, asserting he’s not really Chris Davis, but I’m not sure I believe him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Correa – Could play in a minor league game on Friday. When the Astros were asked if there was a minor league game on Friday, they said, “Not sure, but there’s no chance Correa plays either, so no big whoop.”
George Springer – 2-for-2 and his 32nd and 33rd homer, hitting .298. He was removed from the game after two homers in his 1st two at-bats, because A.J. Hinch believes in the mercy rule.
Wade Miley – 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.74. If you started Mike Fiers and Miley and own Yelich, hit me up in the comments, I’ll send you out a free Razzball t-shirt. Only the 1st person, I ain’t made of shirts (or sympathy).
Corey Seager – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer. Mother Seager said, “Get to 20 homers or you’re sleeping in the bottom bunk all winter.” Ma, we won the NL West! “If you don’t get to 20 homers, you better stitch multiple pennants together for a blanket.”
Gavin Lux – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he bats 9th. Dave Roberts has that *pinkie to mouth* Luxury.
Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Podcaster Ralph and I talk about Buehler for 2020 on today’s podcast, that I’m told really is coming today (sorry, had a mixup).
Byron Buxton – Undergoing labrum surgery on his shoulder and his Opening Day in 2020 is in risk. If you would’ve saved all the words uselessly written about Buxton over the last five years, you could’ve used those words to try to convince your wife she was wrong, so you’re better off.
Mitch Garver – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. If anyone ever runs into Our Commissioner Manfred in the wild, yell at him, “Mitch Garver hit 30 homers in a half season’s worth of at-bats, you jagoff!”
Jose Berrios – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.63. I guess he was okay to start after all…*slowly backs out of the room, dodging tomatoes, slowly backs into another room filled with people who I told to drop Berrios* Hey, what’s up? *dodges a thrown axe*
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 38th homer. I prefer to read loose-leaf paper, so I printed out Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead, all 19,000 pages. Before I big in, I’m going to leave it by this open window–NOOO!!! Torenado!
Zach Plesac – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.64. I’m way beyond convinced that I need a top starter, so you know I have major cyclopses on Plesac for 2020. Where’s he gonna go, 200 overall? Don’t mind if I do!
Mookie Betts – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer. You better? You better? He Betts!
Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. I call him merely Chef’s Kiss.
Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer. Went to look at my preseason projections for Eloy and I had him down for 29 homers, so not terrible, but you have to ostrich your head into the ground in today’s environment to think 25 or 29 homers is a great year.
Yoan Moncada – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .301. If you had Moncada down for a .300+ average, you’re either a liar or a witch. Actually, you might be both.
Cavan Biggio – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 3rd homer in the last seven games. Elias Sports Bureau said if the Jays got into an extra-inning game that went 1,200 innings, Biggio would pass his dad’s 291 career homer total in his rookie year.
Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66 vs. Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.21. This was a fierce matchup of Greek choruses like in a “Tastes great/Less filling” commercial with people shouting, “Zack, K/Zac, no K!” For what it’s Werth, Streamonator loves both of their next starts, and I’m aboard.
Austin Meadows – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, 2nd homer in as many games and fifth homer in the last week. If Meadows didn’t get hurt and subsequently ice cold, he’d be approaching 40 homers, and a serious MVP candidate.
Edwin Jackson – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.76. Anthony Rendon: .337/.417/.630 — MLB vs Edwin Jackson: .349/.412/.671. The entire league is better than Anthony Rendon against Edwin Jackson. Washington Generals better sign him next!
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-5 and his 36th homer, hitting .287, as he hit leadoff with the Yankees already beginning to rest people, or specifically, deejays. If this game was vs. the Orioles, Torres would’ve had six more homers. Don’t wizard me up with real math!
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4 and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .252. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see, sometimes your home runs hypnotize me.
Christian Stewart – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in as many games and third homer in four games. I’d say hot schmotato, but he’s facing a tough Yankees’ pitching staff. I’m effin’ around; the Yanks’ pitching sucks.
Christian Yelich – Fouled a ball off his knee and fractured his kneecap, knocking him out for the year. It’s the curse of the ESPN nudie magazine. Happened to them all: Giancarlo, Prince Fielder…Uh, that’s all I can think of because I’ve blocked out the rest. Obviously this is awful news and payback for the time you pretended to vomit over the top of the movie balcony. At least it didn’t happen in May (yes, I can say this as a non-Yelich owner).
— Razzball (@Razzball) September 11, 2019
Hernan Perez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Hernan, your heartlight! Let it shine wherever you go!
Elieser Hernandez – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.24. Ironically, Hernan took Hernandez deep. Or maybe that’s not irony. Only Brits know for sure. Streamonator doesn’t love Elieser’s next start, but I could see it if desperate.
Starlin Castro – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 19th homer, and five homers in ten games. Ya know how I know he’s the hottest schmotato in the land? I actually own him and am happy about it.
Trevor Bauer – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.55. You know when a cat jumps out of a closet and scares the crap out of you in a horror film? That’s what I was like yesterday, only it was Bauer starting on my fantasy team jumping out of the closet. One start this week down, one more to go!
Kyle Lewis – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, as he was just called up. Click his name and you’re magically transported to his page with previous mentions of him; I just went over him.
Justus Sheffield – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.43. End result looks fine, but all those baserunners and peace with no Justus for all.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Now that boy gets a top bunk!
Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and three homers in two games. As I said yesterday, Dickerson is the hottest bat in the Phils’ lineup, and now I’m elevating him to schmotato.
Scott Kingery – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, an inside-the-park-homer that was actually hit out of the stadium, but Acuña brought it back into the park with a leaping stab, then watched as the ball rolled about two feet away from him. It’s worth finding the clip if you missed it. Not to make fun of Acuña — don’t you dare! — but to see Kingery’s speed when he’s set the burners to blast.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 31st homer, hitting .254. Harper slammed a Busch and screamed, “Do it for Krew!”
Craig Kimbrel – Could return as soon as this weekend after responding well to throwing. I’m sure opposing hitters will respond well to his throwing too.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 27th and 28th homer, as he returned from a balky knee and a cortisone shot. Those cortisone shots work wonders. He could probably hit 60 homers with his knee now.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. He’s about a 14-homer guy, so the balls are 66.6% juiced. They got devil balls!
Johnny Cueto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, as he returned from the IL. For the 1st time in a long time, I’m excited about Cueto. Love that he has no innings on his arm from this year, and pitchers come back from Tommy John surgery all the time, so that’s not really a concern. I’m even willing to grab him in some leagues this year, if I really need the starts, but 2020’s gonna be the year of the Cueto for me.
Will Smith – Wasn’t available last night and might be out a while, due to a sore back. He was gettin’ iffy wit’ it. Apologies for that. I will see myself out. *exits room, enters a karaoke room where someone’s singing Will Smith* Okay, I get it, point made! Filling in for Smith is likely…uh…well…Shaun Anderson (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.14) got the save last night, but that can’t be right. Maybe Tony Watson? Maybe Jandel Gustave is a possible option, and, no, I didn’t make up his name. He throws 97 MPH and has a 4.50 K/9. *evil grin like Jack Nicholson* Nice.
Kyle Crick – Had emergency surgery on his finger after an altercation with teammate, Felipe Vazquez. He’s the handcuff, Felipe, not “hand cut.” Seriously, did he attack him with a cigar cutter? “See what I mean?” That’s Amir Garrett hearing about this. Since this is the closer and the handcuff, Keone Kela might see some saves if Vazquez is suspended.