I’m at my computer checking baseball news about six months a year. Give or take about five hours here and there. On Saturday, it was one of those times I was away from my computer, due to a family wedding in Cape May. Closer change, prospect call-up. Happens when you’re away from the computer, that’s it. Call it a wrap. With Prospector Ralph in the league, there’s no chance for me. Around 6 PM, I got the dreaded text. “Lewis Brinson was called up.” Too bad I didn’t see it until about 7 PM. Had a lavender-flavored champagne in one hand, a lobster claw in the other hand, my mom was like, “You have butter dripping down your chin,” my grandfather was complaining Bruno Mars doesn’t have good choruses in his songs, and there was the text, sitting there on a locked iPhone screen. Done. Sigh. Well, if you got him, or can still get Brinson, you should. Jonathan Villar hit the DL, and, brucely, he wasn’t playing well and Keon Broxton (1-for-4 and his 7th homer yesterday) moves to a platoon role. Unless Brinson totally flames out, he’s up, and playing for good in center. In Triple-A, he had six homers and seven steals in 45 games, which is what I’d expect from him in the majors. Your basic 25/25/.280 guy. Yesterday, he hit leadoff went 0-for-2 with two walks and stole his first base. Yes, he should be owned everywhere, and could be the Trea Turner-type call-up of the year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Finally gave up a run after 21+ IP scoreless, but still another great start that was only upstaged by ROBBIE RAY — 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. Those weren’t caps, that was Robbie Ray moving forward on the stage and getting larger. It’s a theater technique he learned from his gay uncle, Robbie Gay.
Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .317. Au Shizz!
Brandon Drury – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd homer in the last two games, and 3rd homer this week. You can’t say Drury without sounding drunk, and you can’t say his recent numbers without hot schmotato.
David Peralta – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .312. Hasn’t been bad, but, if I’m being honest, I dropped him about ten days ago and haven’t looked back until Sunday.
Sean Newcomb – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (2 BBs), 7 Ks as he was called up. Impressive first start for Newcomb, especially with the command problems he had in the minors. I’d still be tentative about going near him due to his wildness. Liable to give you a roofie and you wake up with someone standing over you with a steak knife and a hole where a kidney’s supposed to be.
Jaime Garcia – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.16. Been great, terrific, wonderful, fantastic, adjective! I’d still use the Stream-o-Nator for him.
Robert Gsellman – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA 4.95. Now has four straight solid starts since he was moved back into the rotation. Gbuyman? P the erhaps, in the right leagues.
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks in his first start of the year. For one weekend in June, Mets fans remembered what it was like to have reliable pitching. No one would’ve guessed in March the Mets had the major league worst ERA going into play on Saturday. And, if you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow, that must be really bad since I think there is no good pitching this year,” pat yourself on your own booty, because you’re right.
Seth Lugo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks in his first start of the year. The Comatose Mets Fan who conked out in March, and woke up this weekend is like, “Syndergaard, Harvey, deGrom, Gsellman, Matz, Lugo! We have the best six-man rotation since the 1984 U.S.S.R women’s volleyball team, which was before they had a genital check.” I like Lugo for deeper leagues, has a solid repertoire and otherworldly curve, but I don’t know if he stays in the rotation.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers. Moistasskiss!
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. I’m going to start calling this guy, Alex Markakis.
Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-4 and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jose Pirela – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .500. Power’s not really his bag, but he’s also not a bag man and I’ve tried to add Pirela in all of my NL-Only leagues. Solid floor guy who now has playing time.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.91. May not be a Porsche, Ferrari or Lambo, but a Kia or Gio are just reliable. Kia more for Korean fantasy leagues.
Koda Glover – Hit the DL, and the Nats closer is…Hmm…Hey, hey, hey, it’s Matt Albers! Originally thought it might be Shawn Kelley, but Kelley gave up 3 runs and has an ERA so high they named an airplane after it. When asked if they are in the market for a closer, GM Rizzo said, “Yes, we’ll take anyone except Drew Poopyhead Storen.”
Ryan Zimmerman – Has now started one game in the last four. Was about a week ago I asked everyone for their best guess when Zimmerman would be DL’d. Y’all still feeling confident with guessing no DL stint this year?
Austin Bibens-Dirkx – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks and he stole a base! You know why he stole? I liken it to when my grandfather was given a Roku for his birthday and had no idea what to do with it, so he used it as doorstop. No one knows what an Austin Bibens-Dirkx is or what it does, so have him run!
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer. This might be the start of something, but I looked at his recent games, and he hasn’t done much.
Dallas Keuchel – Shut down for a week. Never a good sign to get shut down after hitting the DL more than three days ago. Shut down right when hitting the DL? Okay. Shut down three days after hitting the DL. Uh-oh. That’s just science.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 3 runs and two steals (18, 19), hitting .261. Pretty sure that Maybin stole all 19 bags this weekend. Dan Pants went over Maybin in Friday night’s roundup, and I agree with everything he said. Maybin should be owned quickfast.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer. Hey, Pujols, that don’t stink!
Eric Young Jr. – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (4), hitting .318. Once they got that monkey, Mike Trout, off their backs, the Angels were able to spread their wings! Suddenly, there’s a ton of speed in the majors, SAGNOF!
Chris Tillman – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.01. Also, in the Yankee Stadium series on Sunday, Kevin Gausman – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 6.49. Gausman and Tillman both got so rocked in NYC that they got free souvenir CBGB shirts. Maybe the Orioles shouldn’t staff their rotation to resemble Bono’s HOF intro for Bob Marley, “Shaman, human, Jamaican, Tillman, Gausman…”
Aaron Judge – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer, hitting .344. He hit the furthest home run since 2009 when ESPN started measuring homers. It took Judge eight steps to round the bases and rejoice with his blue ox. Some say that ox built the stadium.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Also, in this game, Starlin Castro (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 12th homer. Ya kinda don’t want to go near the Yanks’ offense right now, said Mr. On-The-Nose Dialogue.
Alex Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.01, as he activated from the DL. Coulda, Shoulda, Wooda been better, but it’s good to have him back on the field. Let’s hope the Dodgers don’t make him move to the end of the 14-person rotation line.
Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .279. Preseason darling is starting to come around, but speed will never come and I’m still not impressed. Been there, said that. And that’s me yadda-yadda’ing your schmooping!
Adrian Gonzalez – His back locked up on Sunday. Check that fake-looking rock outside Dodger Stadium for a hidden key.
Scott Schebler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .244. Also, in this game, Joey Votto (1-for-5) hit his 18th and Adam Duvall (1-for-5) hit his 15th. We need a good name for the Reds’ slugging threesome. Right Said Reds? The Commie Bombies? The Ghost of Marge Schott’s Homer-Bots?
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1….
Mitch Haniger – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “It’s oh-fish summer, so you best be figuring out some shizz on your own, I’m drunk!”
James Paxton – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.25. Is it me (it’s not me) or does it seem like Paxton is not pitching as well as his ERA is purporting?
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Closest he’s looked since the first game of the season, but he was dealing with injuries, so it’s time to go back in on Happ in mixed leagues where he was dropped.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Man, it’s tough to pinpoint this guy. He has a solid start, I tell everyone to grab him, and he has a miserable start, now a solid one again. I’d grab him, but it’s far from safe. Or his birth certificate doesn’t have his name down as, Sonny Skies-Are Gray. Skies-Are is a popular middle name in Scandinavia, by the way.
Mallex Smith – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and, like, forty steals this weekend. With Kiermaier going down, Mallex looks to be the new leadoff hitter and center fielder for the Rays. Quick rundown of Mallex…Actually that describes him to a T. He’s got a quick run down pat. Looking at a guy that could steal 50 bags with 550 ABs, and is a must own everywhere that needs speed, which is everywhere in these days of station to station baseball. The go-go 80’s with Ron LeFlore and people sniffing the foul lines thinking it’s the devil’s dandruff, this is not.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .260. He’s also seeing more time (don’t ask me how Kiermaier going down led to Rasmus and Mallex both getting more time).
Tim Beckham – 2-for-4, hitting near-.400 in the last week. With Kiermaier going down, Beckham also got an increase in playing time–Kidding, he does play though, and hot schmotato.
Matt Andriese – Headed back to the DL after re-aggravating his groin. This guy’s straining his groin more than my 14-year-old self to Cher’s If I Could Turn Back Time video.
Carlos Carrasco – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.36 vs. Jose Quintana – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.30. Preseason Grey would’ve loved starting both of these guys; June Grey is glad to only see 5 ER in just over ten innings.
Jeff Hoffman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.33. The Bud Black magic continues. Oh, and so much better than the Vida Blue balls. At this point, you have to own Hoffman everywhere, and then just throw caution to the wind for his starts in Coors until he throws a bad game.
Ben Zobrist – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .228. Zobrist would be having a better season if he wasn’t so old and sore, and it’s against his religious beliefs to use Ben-Gay. Plus, Chick-Fil-A sauce doesn’t work as well.
Jake Arrieta – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.68. Bet some people still consider him an ace. Not just people in the Billy Goat Tavern.
Addison Russell – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .213. Also, in this game, Kyle Schwarber hit a pinch hit homer (11), Montero (4th homer) and Zobrist. The Cubs look ready to repeat, said only the person who watched their hitting on Sunday and not Arrieta.
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Nola’s been about as uninspiring as the Bourbon Street-adjacent, less-trafficked New Orleans thoroughfare, Cheap-Ass Vodka Street.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. He’s been the greatest hitter of the last eight days, you must recognize.
Jose Berrios – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Not to drag Berrios like he’s dingle-Berrios, but the five inning starts are cool. Dot dot dot. When you’re in high school!
Byron Buxton – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .205. But hitting .205 doesn’t tell the full story, it only matters what he’s doing recently. In the last week, Buxton is hitting .235! Wow, guys and five girls!
Giancarlo Stanton – Hasn’t played the last two games due to being hit on the hand. Sigh of relief for now that it is just a bruised hand for Stanton. A bruise in the hand is worth two on the bench.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Hopefully Searage won’t turn this diamond into Cole.
Felipe Rivero – 1 1/3 IP and the save on Saturday and 1 1/3 IP and the save on Sunday, ERA at 0.53. Felipe Rivero is an MLB closer for sure. He is also the answer to, “Que es el nombre del QB por los Chargers?” Juan Nicasio isn’t an MLB closer. He’s a sales pitch for a used electronic keyboard.