The Jewish Sphinx has a riddle that goes like this, “What does the old man scream while at the urinal?” The answer, of course, is, “Peacock!” The Jewish Sphinx is silly, but hella good with money! “Why are you buying all those irrigation tools at Home Depot when you’ll eventually come across a mirage?” Great point, Jewish Sphinx! Or better known as Joshua Sphinxberg. Any hoo! This brings us (not really) to our featured Buy this week, a guy that needs no introduction, which is why I talked about Joshua Sphinxberg for 120 words — Brad Peacock! I don’t love featuring starters as the lede Buy because they have one bad start and people are like, “Grey’s dumb, what else is new?” Um, MasterChef, that’s also new. Getting the obvious out of the way, I don’t know why Peacock’s parents didn’t name him Bird instead. Now, his peripherals. Zoinks, they are gorge: 13.5 K/9, 2.87 xFIP, 16% line drive rate, which would be the seventh lowest in the majors, and 27% soft contact, which would be the 2nd highest in the majors, just after Dallas Keuchel. People are teeing off on Peacock like they just pressed their nose to the handle of a bat and spun in circles for five minutes. Of course, Peacock’s one downside is his balls. He is an old man! No, he throws too many of them. Peacock’s command could use one of those urinal flies on the catcher’s mitt. Either way, I’d absolutely grab him in all leagues; he looks like he could be breaking out. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Tom Murphy – Surprised to see him owned in less than 5% of ESPN leagues because it seems like everyone who comments here wants to pick Murphy up, but ESPN’s ownership numbers are skewed because Klara Bell owns 25,000 teams to stock his virtual trophy case and hasn’t picked up Murphy yet.
Ryon Healy – Are you ready for another installment of what I like to call, “More Cornermen Than You Can Count Are Available Who Hit For Power And Not Much Else.” Next time, I’m just gonna use the well-known acronym, MCTYCCAAWHFPANMEC. At Acronyms dot com, there’s no explanation for the last C.
Danny Valencia – There’s one person who comments every day about why I don’t mention Valencia. I’m reminded of a Kanye song, “And you always find, yeah, you always find somethin’ wrong. You been puttin’ up with my forgetting Valencia just way too long. I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like the most, so I think it’s time we have some toast.” Is that song about bread? I keed. Valencia has been hitting near.-500 this month and had a solid month of May too, definitely should be owned.
Lucas Duda – Actual fun fact! Cougs saw U2 in 1987 when they performed as a country band, the Dalton Brothers, and she wants to go when U2 is at Lucas Oil this September, and I said, “U2 sucks,” and I think she hates me.
Logan Morrison – On his way to a career best year…Okay, in my head for a second, that sounded like a huge compliment, but obviously Morrison’s never been this good even if a ‘career best year’ for him gives me the mehs.
Matt Adams – I nearly spelled his name Matt Hamas, which makes me a dumbass. Though, Adams is a corner infidel and can hit the Qatar. Not to be all obvious and shizz, but you don’t trust anything that doesn’t have a U after the Q. Sorry, Q-Bert, but you’re shady.
Yulieski Gurriel – Next week, I have an idea. I’m just going to say MCTYCCAAWHFPANMEC, and not list all of them.
Whit Merrifield – His hitter streak came to an end, because I finally put him into my weekly lineup. Never the hoo! Merrifield isn’t just a boxer that Tyson thinks he fought, but is an MI who can help with average.
Chris Taylor – Bummed to hear Ben Stiller and Chris Taylor are divorcing after 20 years. Not because I have a vested interest in their love life, but Cougs heard this and looked at me like, “If they can’t make it, how will we?” Hey, Stiller, don’t be giving my wife any ideas!
Scooter Gennett – After Scooter’s four-homer game and after Mark Whiten sent him a cease and desist, there’s a chance Gennett could be a schmotato for a few.
Amed Rosario – Sit down for a second. I don’t care that you’re standing in line at Starbucks. Sit the eff down! Good! Now, time for Real talk with Grey Albright. As many cornermen as there are to pick up this year, there’s no junk from Jinola to grab for middle infielders. For more on the Mets’ future shortstop, my Amed Rosario fantasy.
Gleyber Torres – Halp and I went over Gleyber on the last podcast after I heard Halp and Prospector Ralph (Halph?) cover him on their prospect podcast. Am I trying to move in on Ralph? Let’s just say I’m practicing my Portuguese cooking so I can transition into the role of Ralph seamlessly. I’m transgueseder.
Domingo Santana – Well, at least you know you’ll get a homer on Sunday.
Raimel Tapia – Not even sure if Tapia will play, but with the lack of steals in the world, I could see grabbing Tapia in deeper leagues for just the chance he starts a couple of games a week and gets some steals. It’s a pure SAGNOF play.
Odubel Herrera – He has five straight games with a double, and four of those came with multiple doubles. If only his name was Ohmerun.
Juan Nicasio – Yes, Felipe Rivero should be the closer, but who the manager says closes games is the closer, and the manager in this case is a senile old coot yelling at a cloud like Grandpa Simpson, so Nicasio could close.
Pat Neshek – Incredibly, depending on your definition of in or credible and/or incredible, I think Neshek might be the closer in Philly. Why is this so incredible, you ask while staring at my butt and licking your lips. Okay, I’m a little freaked out by your staring, and it’s incredible because Neris only blew one save and he’s been totally fine. Jeanmar had about four months to figure shizz out and he was awful to begin with and don’t end a sentence with with — dah! I’m getting the feeling that Pete Macktheknife wooks pa nub in all the wrong places.
Jameson Taillon – Could be less than ten days away from returning after battling testicular cancer like a baller — literally!
Jaime Garcia – This is a Stream-o-Nator call like the call it makes to random people in the phone book to chat. “So, whatcha doing? Who am I? I’m a sad, lonely robot, who are you?”
Junior Guerra – This is not a Stream-o-Nator call, because I struggled to find some decent streamers for this weekend. Maybe Josh Tomlin won’t be as bad as he can be like an edited 2 Live Crew album, but I don’t trust him.
Michael Conforto – My mechanic’s name is Sy, which I think he does just for this reaction, “You need a new exhaust.” “Sy….” I’m reminded of my Sy-ster, because selling Conforto makes me sigh. I own him in multiple leagues, love him, and don’t want to Sell him, but our Buy/Sell tool has a point. By the by, the top Sells are: Judge, Reynolds. But he was awesome in Beverly Hills Cop! Any hoo! Conforto is the 14th ‘best’ Sell and that’s not eliminating guys like Eaton, Hicks and Altherr, who you can’t Sell even if you wanted to. So, why Conforto? Well, his BABIP is near-.350; that’s silly high. His HR/FB% is near 25%. As Walt Disney once said of his dog, that’s goofy. To reiterate, I like Conforto. I wouldn’t sell him for a dead guinea pig wearing a garter belt, but I would explore options.