To paraphrase Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, “America has so many enemies:  Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, Josh Tomlin in away games, Justin Upton, Melvin Upton for the last two months, Clint Hurdle, the people on Twitter that take a trending topic and attach linkbait, Giancarlo Stanton’s groin when its injured, but not at all when its healthy, anyone that gets Mookie Betts out the once-in-a-blue-moon when someone can get him out, Clint Hurdle again, anyone that doesn’t appreciate blue raspberry, undesirable immigrants, by which I mean everyone that came after Carlos Martinez.”  Yesterday, Carlos Martinez went 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners with 13 Ks to lower his ERA to 3.07.  Thank you, come again!  From last year to this year, C-Mart’s strikeout rate is down (9.2 to 7.8), his walk rate is unchanged, his velocity is virtually the same and his xFIP is up due to a lucky BABIP.  So, what does that mean for Carlos Martinez 2017?  Random prediction alert!  I won’t be enthused about drafting him again next year, but he’ll likely be a solid #2 fantasy starter, i.e., good in a pinch, but not exciting, i.e., convenience forever, freshness never!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Mike Leake – Hit the DL with shingles.  Someone should put him on Redfin.

Randal Grichuk – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and fifth homer in the last ten games.  Member way back on Friday when I told you to pick up Grichuk?  I’m a soothsayer, apparently.  A sayer of soothes.

Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer, hitting .249.  Only thing missing from yesterday’s game from my latest Cardinal crushes, is a homer from Moss.  Today, I’m sure, I say based on nothing.

Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (6).  It’s a bit too early for a post-post-post-post-post-post-hype season from Wong.  More like a post-post-post-post-post-hype season.

Orlando Arcia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  The only thing you can do, Arcia, is screw up your bargain-basement price for next season.  Don’t do that.

Zach Davies – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.07.  Davies reminds me a lot of his teammate, Chase Anderson, in that I don’t trust him at all and his team is garbage in an awful pitching park.

Jose De Leon – Struck out 13 guys in his last Triple-A start, but still not called up, because the Dodgers said, “If we call him up, he’ll immediately get injured.  We can’t win!”  Aw, they sound sad.

Clayton Kershaw – Could return after his simulated game today.  Those that own Kershaw will be praying that he returns and those that don’t own him will be praying he doesn’t return, so we’ll see who God loves more.

Jon Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.41.  Gray’s sexy and risky, which is a helluva a combination in a blogger.  And a Rockies pitcher.

Billy Butler – Activated from the DL after being beat up by Valencia.  Hate to see next time Butler does something good, and someone goes to high five him.  Butler’s going to get whiplash from flinching.

Jose Altuve – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer, hitting .354.  Elias Sports Bureau said if Altuve wins the AL MVP, he’d be the first player to win the award and be smaller than the Heisman Trophy.

Joe Musgrove – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Guess who streamed him?  This guy with two thumbs…Wait a second, where’s my other thumb?!  Holy Christ–Oh, I had one hand in my pocket.  Cool, we’re cool.  I also dropped Musgrove right after yesterday’s game because the Stream-o-Nator said so.

Yulieski Gurriel – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .389.  I legit watched one at-bat, so the sample size is very small — that’s what she said derisively! — but Gurriel doesn’t look like a power hitter.

Sean Manaea – Left yesterday’s game with a sore back, hurting his right rhomboid.  That doesn’t sound like a stop sign.

Alex Cobb – Will return on Friday to start vs. the Blue Jays.  Cobb added, “I’m not chicken.  That’s Cobb salad.  You can’t believe how often I get those confused.”

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Yesterday, I said he was a hot schmotato.  Today, I’m pointing towards Yesterday Grey, motioning charades-style it ‘sounds like.’

Nick Franklin – 2-for-4, 1 run, and had a home run on Sunday.  Could be a light schmotato here, but if you have to pick up Franklin, I’m impressed more with your commitment than your ability to hide your desperation.

Koji Uehara – Hopes to return next Monday.  That’ll give the Red Sox five used-to-be-good-now-kinda-good-but-more-iffy relievers.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer.  I’m feeling something I haven’t felt in a long time.  See, I owned Betts in a league that ended on Sunday (I came in 2nd, yadda3, very bleh), so I have no more rooting interest in Betts.  Imagine it’s similar to people who own multiple teams and one of their teams is eliminated and they no longer have a particular player.  We should have a glossary term for this feeling of sudden indifference.  Please suggest in the comments.

Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.26.  You, “Oh, so, I guess, um, yeah, should’ve owned Porcello all year.”

Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .250.  Cool, awesome, adjective, where’s Moncada?!

Jake Thompson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.86.  (Watch this round peg in square hole segue.)  Thompson isn’t very good, but he’s young, and there’s more young people coming up when teams’ rosters expand on September 1st, and JB and Ralph talk about just that on the podcast coming later today.  Or earlier today, if you slept in.  You sleepy head!

Lucas Giolito – Optioned back to Triple-A Syracuse.  Orangemen were sorry to hear it.  Not Syracuse Orangemen, I mean Giolito’s family, bunch of sun-worshiping WOPs that are orange men.

Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.87.  Has thrown more seven or more inning scoreless starts than anyone else in the majors this year at eight  Mr. Roark is also the only one to get rid of a tattoo with a potato sack.

Jayson Werth – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer, hitting .251.  Old, uninteresting, not least bit exciting season for Werth.  Yet, he’s been way more valuable than Justin Upton (1-for-4, and his 18th homer).

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .192.  Home runs?  Saltymochachino usually gets foam runs!  High-five the crap out of me!  Right now!  That was good!

Cameron Maybin – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb injury.  Maybin would get hurt in a pillow factory wearing a sumo suit.

Tyler Saladino – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games.  Yeah, there’s a lot of schmohawk in this guy, but maybe a little schmotato too.

Jefry Marte – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .254.  I’ve been real hesitant about saying Marte is a schmotato, because who the hell is adding Jefry to their fantasy team?  Do you people not have standards?

Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer.  Also, in this game, Kole Calhoun (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 13th homer; Albert Pujols (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 26th homer and C.J. Cron (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 12th homer.  They’re all owned everywhere, or should be, except Cron, who is a hot schmotato.  Go, Curtis Jackson Cron, it’s your birthday.

Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.91.  Angels jumped all over Dan Straily (2 2/3 IP, 7 ER) and The Cobbler cruised to a free room at the W on the Ivictory Coast.

Steven Matz – Will return on Thursday.  Said his throwing yesterday went off without any abnormal discomfort.  A ton of regular discomfort?  Oh sure!  But nothing abnormal for a Mets starter.

Jacob deGrom – Says he can make his next start on Friday.  Adding, “If the rest of my teammates will share our one good pitching arm.”

Asdrubal Cabrera – Out with a knee injury.  He was last week’s NL Player of the Week.  Hopefully he can make it to the ceremony that’s held at a Dunkin’ Donuts kiosk in LaGuardia.

Yoenis Cespedes – 3-for-5, and his 27th homer, hitting .299. Totally decent season, so don’t take this the wrong way, but a 30-homer hitter, which Yoenis should be, gets boring for long stretches at a time and is still valuable.

Rafael Montero – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.68.  A Montero hasn’t led to that many walks since the last person to own a Mitsubishi Montero.

Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.79.  Will someone please talk some sense into the Marlins and get them to shut down Fernandez?  Please.

Tyler Glasnow – Activated from the DL, but it was more of a team move, and he was not really activated.  Got that?  Yeah, it’s an O. Henry story, that’s right, now go take a nap.

Gerrit Cole – Hit the DL yesterday after I heavily inferred it the day before.  Let me know if you’re ever going for a job interview, I make a good inference.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  Brocktune!

Josh Bell – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  Yesterday’s Pirate game may not have gone 13 innings if C**nt Hurdle didn’t remove Bell in the 7th freakin’ inning.

Jake Arrieta – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER.  Know how I know I’ve been blowing shizz out of proportion?  Because I’ve been saying for four months Arrieta doesn’t look right, and his ERA is still 2.84.

Jorge Soler – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  He should play in a domed stadium or Seattle, because Soler comes out about ten times a year.

Carlos Beltran – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .292.  I bet the Rangers and Cards make the World Series, and Wainwright is pitching to Beltran in Game 7, when Wainwright breaks off a curve and buckles Beltran’s knees, then Wilmer Flores stands in the front row of the seats and cries.  This seems like a totally plausible prediction.

Hisashi Iwakuma – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.01 vs. Yu Darvish – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.01.  Iwakuma has now lost to Tanaka and Darvish in back-to-back games.  In related news, the Japanese hotline 1-800-Hari-Kari is standing by for assistance.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.12.  Should start calling him “Except Michael Pineda.”  As in, a strikeout-to-walk ratio is an excellent way to understand how well a pitcher is doing, except Michael Pineda.

Didi Gregorius – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .288.  Yeah, yeah, but what about Gary Sanchez?!

Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer, hitting .229.  I’d love to hear what Whitey Herzog has to say about Bautista hitting leadoff.  He’d instruct Vince Coleman to throw a firecracker at him.

Josh Donaldson – 1-for-3 with his 34th homer, hitting .294.  Now has four homers in the last two games.  In 13 days he could pass 60 homers.   Prorating gone wrong.

Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.37.   Estrada’s done good enough, he should be able to make demands of Blue Jays’ broadcasters, like calling Estrada’s strikeouts ‘Ponch-outs.’

Adam Jones – Still out with his hamstring injury, but told reporters it felt much better.  And they said, “Then you can get the TV remote yourself.”

Jonathan Schoop – 0-for-4, hitting .279, as he hit leadoff with Jones out.  Before each game, I imagine Showalter saying, “I have no idea who to hit leadoff.  Or is it whom?”

J.J. Hardy – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .264.  He had two hits in the previous week.  Hot schmotato?  Hardy?  Hardly.

Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.73.  Chicken soup ‘n eye charts 4 the homies!  Sorry, I was confusing consummate4sight with the Jewish optometrist rap group, consomme4sight.

Danny Salazar – Left on paternity leave.  Whitey Ford must be appalled, back in his day, women gave birth to babies.  Not grown ass men!