This post comes to you by the power of Greyskull! I have the power! The power of Greyskull dropped Justin Masterson earlier in the year after one bad start. I have a power outage! Then the power of Greyskull watched as the power of Rudyskull picked him up and has been reaping the rewards ever since, but the power of Rudyskull benched Masterson yesterday, so the power of Greyskull let out a small, fleeting smile. Yesterday, Masterson threw a complete game shutout. He’s been great all year with a 9+ K-rate. Yadda, yadda eff me. Just above him on the K-rate chart is a who’s who of the pitchers you want: F-Her, Sale, Samardzija, Miller, Harvey, Yu, Scherzer, etc. etc. etc. He also has one of the worst walk rates in that group (not bad overall, just in that group), which will hold Masterson out of the top tier of pitchers this year, but will make him ownable in all leagues and why the power of Greyskull failed me. I wonder if Skeletor is hiring. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Harvey – Will be limited to 215-220 innings. Put another way, you’re limiting yourself to 32 hot fudge sundaes for dessert, instead of 33.
Zack Wheeler – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER. So….How was your week? Here’s some pure comedy for you if you enjoy schadenfreude. On Friday, I streamed Nolasco, Capuano and Santiago along with Gerrit Cole (18 runs in 18 IP with a 2.39 WHIP! If your WHIP looks like your ERA, you’ve got problems). On Friday night, I dropped every starter from Friday and grabbed middle relievers. Lo and behold, things hadn’t stopped spiraling out of control yet. On Saturday, my team gave up 5 ER in 5 IP with a 1.94 WHIP. Then, Sunday came and now I’m sitting in a sanitarium. On the week, my team gave up 44 earned runs in 50 1/3 IP. They had nearly as many earned runs as strikeouts (53). My WHIP on the week was 1.97. Here’s hoping David Price returns and throws 100 straight no-hit immimmgs…immimmgs…Hmm, it’s hard to type wearing a straitjacket. Hey, Chief, put a pillow over my head! In related news, Wheeler’s not ready for shallower mixed leagues. My enthusiasm for how great he will be in the near-future got lost in what he’s currently doing. To read more on the subject, see Clayton Kershaw’s 4.26 ERA, 1.50 WHIP his rookie year. Wheeler might show flashes this year, but it might not be until next year when he’s mixed league capable.
Dan Haren – Threw a bullpen session, and could be ready just after the All-Star break. That’s good news for his family, who are looking forward to Dan getting out of their Haren.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. His stats sound like a carnival, and the stands at Metco smell like stale beer, as Nat-Gio tickled the Ivictories.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 4 runs and his 8th homer. If he gets his season anywhere near where you’d expect it, he has a whole lot of stats left in his bat. He could have some stats in his beard too, but no one’s getting at those.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (15) and legs (8). That’s just pure unadulterated Ian Desmond, no fake ID there.
Kurt Suzuki – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he went 3-for-4 on Saturday. He gets hot for about five days a year. It’s the Summer Suzukstice!
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. There’s no Sale on him. Rightfully so. Unlike Prince Fielder, who is anagrammatically correct, girthfully so.
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins. Where do you think Cashner got that line? Petco or Crayola Canyon? Cashner could play a road game in Yellowstone vs. the Myrtle Beach Mermen and give up runs, then pitch against the 1927 Blue Jays in Petco and throw a shutout.
Jacob Turner – 9 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks on Saturday. Jacob’s climbing the ladder! Or just The Climb, for all of you in the Miley R’ Us fan club. Turner’s going to get the Braves in Atlanta next time out, which will be a tough test and not one I’d do in many leagues, but if he passes that hurdle then he could start to become mixed league viable.
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 0 Ks. The no Ks seem like an anomaly like the Quebecer who doesn’t play soccer, and I’d look at Eovaldi in mixed leagues, except not in his next game vs. the Cards.
Jeff Mathis – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in his last three games played. Scioscia’s fantasy team is starting to turn around!
Peter Bourjos – He couldn’t play for a few days last week with Shuck usurping him, then Bourjos returns and fractures his wrist. Bourjos can’t catch a break. Bad choice of words. By the way, if I ever opened an oyster raw bar, I’d call it The Shuck Usurper.
Mike Trout – Got the day off yesterday with a minor hamstring issue. Strike one against him being a cyborg.
C.J. Wilson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Astros. Ceej’s 2nd highest strikeout game this year; his best was twelve Ks also vs. the Astros. The Astros have Chris Carter batting third, the Chris Carter who leads the major leagues in strikeouts. As said before, the Astros give the opposing starter either a 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 Ks or a 7 IP, 5 ER, 8 Ks pitching line.
Jose Bautista – 3-for-5 with his 19th homer after he hit 2 homers on Saturday. Joey Bats Entertainment!
Adam Lind – Day-to-day with back tightness. Or Day2Day if you like R&B.
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 19th steal, 5 of which came this weekend. Rajai said, “I am the King of SAGNOF and all of my royal subjects won’t lose a hand for stealing, but will gain a handful of steals. Now bow down and massage my gams.”
Jose Reyes – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer. As Rajai showed this weekend, there’s very few teams to run against as easy as the Red Sox. Reyes was on base five times; didn’t attempt one steal. These were all close games too, so if he had the giddy, he would’ve got up.
Chris Davis – 1-for-4 with his 31st homer after hitting two homers on Saturday. Obviously, my Sell call was very far from the tower and I misheard due to some static.
Brian Roberts – 1-for-2, 1 RBI as he was activated from disabled list. After the game, he said, “It was really nice to be back on–” But strained his oblique finishing up his sentence.
Manny Machado – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer. Doesn’t he seem like he has a lot more homers? Davis doesn’t need 31, he should give Machado some. Eric Hosmer has more homers than Machado. Wrap your ramen noodle around that.
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks to move his record to 10-2 with a 3.68 ERA. Don’t think anyone did a spit take on that, but I’m sure there were a few of youse that did a double take on him having 10 wins with a 3.68 ERA. He beguiled you. You’ve been beguiled. You are in a state of guile. You’re a toll road and you need to fish out a quarter because you’re entering Guiletown; in fact, it’s a guile down the road.
Yan Gomes – 3-for-4 and 3-for-5 on Saturday. Say if you can hit a bad pitch, put your Yans up high, Yans up high, Yans up high, Kendrick Lamar. Hitter-Tron likes him some Yan Gomes this week, and also had a metal detector pick him up a one night stand on Friday.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. Burp. He was shellacked by the Angels his last time out, so for this game you want to see him get hit hard or have a great start, just so we have some idea which way he’s going. Then, yesterday, he throws a burp. A start that gives you no idea which way a pitcher is going. He gets the Indians next and that start is a $5.9 on the Stream-o-Nator, which sounds about right. Just below average.
Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Now has three straight quality starts against tough opponents (Red Sox, Blue Jays and Tigers) after getting a beat down by the Royals (5 2/3 IP, 8 ER). So, Hellickson is this year’s Fantasy Baseball Passive Aggressive Starter. In his next start, you just know he’s going to get hit vs. the White Sox, one of the weaker offenses.
Chase Utley – 1-for-4, 1 run and two homers on Saturday. The Phillies are talking about trading Utley to the Royals. It would be a three-way trade with Utley going to the Royals, James Shields going to the Rays and Wil Myers going to the Phils with the Royals saying, “We screwed up, and we want to make things right by trading for an aging 2nd baseman who can’t stay healthy.”
Yasiel Puig – 4-for-5, 2 runs and 2 steals. Y’all see El Pweeg?! Do y’all see El Pweeg?! Do y’all, see, EL PWEEG?!
Stephen Fife – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fife Dawg was never the type that ever had mad skills, he just stays true to his roots and eventually gets ill.
David Lough – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. A game like that will have fantasy baseballers wondering if they should get Lough, singing, to the window, to the wall… To the sweat drip down my fantasy balls! He could be getting hot after this game, but he went 3-for-4 earlier in the week and then went 2-for-10, and has yet to show the speed he possesses.
Johnny Giavotella – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. GTL was sent down out of Spring Training, which caused the Italian-American Defamation League to get up in arms and hands. Now that he’s back, he could be cheap speed at MI in deeper leagues, as long as the Royals don’t platoon him with Elliot Johnson, which they shouldn’t.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, and his 5th in the last ten games. Spell it right, it’s Eric Homers. If Hosmer ends up being a top ten first basemen, do we say, “About time,” or “Why didn’t you do that effin’ crap in April so I didn’t drop you?!” The first one, you’re a patient soul who’s finally being rewarded. If the 2nd one, get your blood pressure checked, but before you check your fantasy baseball team.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. My rookie pitcher apple was poisoned by Zack Wheeler, but guess who looked at picking up Gibson? The thing I kept telling myself while I was looking at grabbing Gibson was how he keeps his walks in check, so his downside isn’t as bad. Okay, I have a rookie pitcher problem. I need to be locked in a room with John Lackey’s ratios and let them give me a talking to.
Justin Maxwell – Placed on the DL with a concussion. He’ll be back in a few days/years.
A.J. Burnett – Will throw a simulated game on Tuesday. I’m sure the work ILM will be doing to give his avatar accurate tattoos will be top-notch.
Francisco Liriano – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks on Saturday, 2.23 ERA as the Pirates became the first team to reach 50 wins. In related news, water is dry.
Dustin Ackley – Will miss some games with a thumb sprain. As Dr. Dre would say, you better Ackley right! But Ackley ain’t right, Dre.
Jeremy Bonderman – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Bring on Erasmo! I need to get screwed by another young pitcher — stat!
Raul Ibanez – 1-for-5 and his 19th homer. My head hurts, please move the Safeco fences back out.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 run and two steals this weekend. Here’s what I said last week about him, “Mariners called him up to take over for Brendan Ryan, but Ryan had a good UZR! Miller is the Nick Franklin of shortstops. Here’s what Prospect Scott said, “Miller can hit. Since debuting as a pro in 2011, the 23-year-old has hit .341/.414/.513 across Low-, High-, and Double-A. Folks spewed the same doubts about Allen Craig a few years back (about his defense), but the bat always finds a way, my friends. Miller’s bat will play in the bigs. It would also play well by hitting Grey’s melon.” Hey! What’s the big idea? Miller was tearing up Triple-A this year (.350 with 5 homers and 2 steals in 25 games), which came after churning through Double-A (.294, 6 homers, 4 steals in 42 games). He looks nearly identical to Franklin bat-wise. I grabbed Miller in a mixed league, and I suggest you do the same if you’re hurting at middle infield.” And that’s me quoting me!
Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Mazel tov! Finally, a step in the right direction. He gets the Pirates next, which isn’t a great match-up, but I’d start to look at Jackson in deeper mixed leagues. He should be a lot better than his 5.75 ERA.
Johnny Cueto – Sounds like Cueto might be out until the middle of August, which would be a boon for Cingrani, which is tastier than Boone’s Strawberry Hill, but won’t get you as drunk. Since Cingrani has been rocking a 10+ K-rate and solid ratios, I’d be willing to grab him in any league. I do admittedly have a rookie pitcher problem. I’m seeking help from Bartolo Colon.
Mat Latos – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks. As he counteracted 15 MPH winds blowing out in Arlington with 92 MPH fastballs going in. For fear of sounding like more of a moron than I sound like on the podcast (which is Wednesday this week because today is Canada Day, a holiday that apparently causes a mass maple leaf of absence), but if a wind is blowing out at 15 MPH and a fastball is coming in at 92 MPH, is the speed of the fastball reduced? I wish there was an algebra book I could flip to the back of.
Yu Darvish – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. Yu. Are. So. Beautiful. To Me…can’t Yu see…
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th steal. Some people are good with electronics. I’m not one of those people. I’m electronically reclined. So, I was trying to watch TV the other day and I had to get off the couch to change the channel, pushing the remote buttons so hard, right next to the TV. Then my Cougar mentioned that I might want to try and change the batteries. Voila, snitches! That’s like Leonys after the month of April. Someone switched his batteries and he now has 16 steals in two months with only 2 CS. That’s a 50+ steal pace over the course of the season. Rajai might be the King of SAGNOF, but Leonys is the Queen (of mean).
Hunter Pence – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer to match his 13th steal. Finally, he can stop wearing the varnish off his doorknob with his OCD.
Troy Tulowitzki – Hit off a tee on Saturday, and ended the day five under par.
Ryan Braun – Will swing a bat on Tuesday. Ron Roenicke said this is to “see where he is.” On the field is my guess.
Trevor Cahill – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. He’s looking about as good as Paula Walnuts trying to read a teleprompter during MTV’s The Challenge preview. “Well, Kenny, I’m glad you asked period, wait for Kenny to say something smarmy then laugh.”
A.J. Pollock – 2-for-4, 2 runs and hit a homer on Saturday going 2-for-3. How many Pollocks does it take to make one hot schmotato? One.
Brandon Beachy – Threw a bullpen session. A’la Marty McFly, “Get used to that bullpen, kid, you’re gonna spend some time in it.”
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Here’s a fun exercise for Freeman. Sandoval, “Exercise? Run the other way! Wait, walk the other way!” I want to see Freeman get more valuable than Prince Fielder for the year on our Player Rater. You think he can do it? I don’t, but it’ll be a solid challenge for him.
Brian McCann – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer. I prefer my catchers like Salvador Perez where they hit nine homers over the course of two years. 9 homers all in one year is gluttonous. That’s why childhood obesity is such a serious problem. Bad segue, I was at a party on Saturday with one of the female trainers from the Australian Biggest Loser. I don’t know if Jillian Michaels is less like her last name and more like her first name in person, if you catch my drift, but this girl was smoking hot. I wanna move to Australia, become obese and get on that show. It’s not quite a Martin Luther King level dream, but we need to all find our own level.
Dan Uggla – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer as he bats .205. Idea for the All-Star Game festivities. One lucky fan gets a chance to strikeout Dan Uggla, Adam Dunn or Chris Carter. If they can do it, they get a chance to pitch for the Astros.
Jarrod Parker – Left Saturday’s game with a hamstring cramp. Someone rub some Midol on his leg.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. After a brutal month, he’s starting to come alive again with the bat. He could be getting fueled by his intense game of London Bridge Is Falling Down with Krispie.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer. One more for the Donaldsonnet!
Carlos Beltran – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Member how much you paid for Josh Hamilton? Member how cheaply you could’ve got Beltran? Yup.
Matt Carpenter – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Razzball Exclusive! In a back room at Busch, there’s a Vatican-esque ceiling and, there in the center, Chris Carpenter is touching Matt Carpenter.
Allen Craig – 1-for-3 with his 9th homer. Be nice if some of this Cardinal Scoville unit heat would rub off on David Freese.
Jake Westbrook – 4 IP, 6 ER. Westbroke.
Matt Adams – Didn’t start Sunday, but hit two homers on Saturday. He’s a DH on an NL team, which isn’t terrific, but he is in an AL park to start the week. That’s my Basic Risk Assessment. Or simply my BRA for Matt Adams.
