Soto’s Box Score Is A Juanderland

This is what they call in the biz a GAP — a General Appreciation Post. It has not been a general appreciation type year, but Juan Soto (1-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and double legs (4, 5), hitting .345) aka Sexy Dr. Pepper makes me wake up at quarter to 6 every morning, jump out of bed like Dicky Fox and scream, “I love Juan Soto!” Then Cougs rolls over and mutters, “865,” which is the number of times she’s said to stop screaming that first thing in the morning. Listen, it’s been a trying year, and I appreciate all of you sticking with us through what was the craziest year on memory, and I’m not gonna get choked up, because I’m way more appreciative of Juan Soto. HE’S BETTER THAN TROUT. Sorry, but Mr. Al Caps is right. Sexy Dr. Pepper is 12 years old and he’s doing things not seen since 2002 when a headless ghost Ted Williams was teaching a bone-sober and dead Babe Ruth why he was striking out so much. It’s an absolute joy to watch. I think I like Treat Urner (3-for-6, 1 run and his 11th and 12th steals) partially because he plays with Juan Soto. In 2021, I’m not sure yet if I’m going to have Juan Soto in the top two, three, four or five, but this is only the beginning of that discussion which will go until 2030, when we’re all finally stepping out of quarantine like a bunch of vampires. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Spencer Howard – Felt good after throwing a bullpen session. Same.

Scott Kingery – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Sonavabench! If you’re gonna do something in the 2nd game of a doubleheader, there should be a rule you have to play in the 1st game. Not sure how to enforce. I’m workshopping it!

Brandon Workman – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.95. Yesterday, the Phils and Nats both had a bullpen game. It was like when two wrestlers would collide, and the ref would raise both their arms to see who was still awake.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06 vs. Austin Voth – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.25. This matchup was billed as, “Austin/Aaron Nola, but they’re not related!” The ol’ switcheroo. Both pitchers threw complete games, as the league gets back to its early 1900s, dead ball era roots with all pitchers throwing complete games in roughly two hours. They only needed to take out two innings from the game.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.73 as he was activated from the IL. Shine might be a little bit off my boy, Sonny, but I’m going to be all-in on him again next year. Self-love, Susan Powter approves.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .230. The Greek God of Hard Contact barely hitting Todd Coffey’s weight like he’s swinging an extra wet disco fry. You ain’t gonna get your beautiful Greek mother’s mustachioed kisses like that.

Devin Williams – 2 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.36. I have nothing to add, except it would’ve been nice to have Devin Williams in at least one league.

Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.00. B.A. Brokeass would’ve made a nice streamer, and the Streamonator thinks I’m crazy, but I’d start him for his last start too. Times are tough, yo!

Jacob Stallings – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .252. On the backend of the site, I’m currently doing a recap of all the positions, and I saw what Stallings had done this year, and I can’t believe Rudy talked me into drafting this schmohawk.

Steven Brault – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Yo, who you think you are, my world-famous sleeper in 2018, Trevor Williams?

Jose Quintana – 2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.63, as he was activated from the IL. He missed four weeks, due to a cut on his thumb, and two weeks, due to lat inflammation. If only he had a third injury.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. *through gritted teeth* HR to the Izzo.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. He only needs to hit twelve homers, steal seven bags and get a .320 average in 150 at-bats to salvage this season. Here’s rooting for the Diamondbacks to play a few 25-inning games, where he gets multiple homers, and somehow doesn’t untie the game!

Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 9.28. 2021 Sleeper!

Christian Vazquez – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .273. Am I misremembering it, but didn’t Vazquez hit ten homers in the 1st two weeks of the season? Did they dock him four homers to end up back at six?

Mitch Garver – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .152. Watch out, Coolwhip, Mitch Garver is coming in hot this final week!

Max Kepler – 3-for-5 and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, as he hit sixth, and Byron Buxton (1-for-5 and his 13th homer) hit leadoff. That Twins’ lineup is stacked, but in search of cohesion, right? Kepler never made sense at leadoff, and neither does Buxton. They need Polanco or Arraez to hit better and from leadoff. Any hoo! No more free advice for the Twins that is impossible to incorporate.

Austin Gomber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.80. To answer every person I saw ask about Gomber: Ryan Helsley, that’s who followed him. You were prolly asking because Gomber you thought would only go one or two innings. Since the Cards still have like 20 games left, I’d stream Gomber for his next start. Gomber up, comb-boy! (Did it sound like I had no teeth? Perfect!)

Bryse Wilson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.26. On the last day of the season, the Braves won’t be forcing the issue, so Bryse Wilson could get a 9 IP, 0 ER gem, or he could get a 6 IP, 9 ER game where he takes one for the team. High risk, high reward like this Bitcoin I own. Hey, anyone want to buy this crap from me?

Marcell Ozuna – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .327. OZUNA finds hitting easy. OZUNA shows it’s right between hitchhike and hizzoner in the dictionary.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .347. Also, in this game, Ozzie Albies (3-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 6th homer; Dansby Swanson (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 8th homer, and Adam Duvall (1-for-4, 1 run) didn’t hit a home run so I think I made up this game in my head. Is one of youse filming an Inception sequel without telling me?

Willy Adames – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (2) and his third homer in the last five games. Hot schmotato alert!

Blake Snell – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.24 vs. Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.82. This was a matchup of one guy drafted in the top three rounds and another guy that was undrafted, and pitching is very predictable, don’t cha think?

Robinson Cano – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .320. Wanna get bonecrushingly depressed? Of course you do! Cano was more valuable this year than Muncy, Villar, Albies, Ketel Marte, and none of those guys are even close. It was a good year to punt 2nd base.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Albombso! (Just get to 15 homers on the year. Please. I don’t even care about the .209 average.)

Triston McKenzie – Moved to the bullpen, as the Indians prepare their team for a postseason run. As I’ve said numerous times and if you’re into ‘gambling,’ pitchers are going to be the difference in the playoffs. Would like the Indians more if they had Clevinger, but all you need is three quality starters, and they have them. Compared to the Yankees, who get all the pub, and are out there trying to make J.A. happen.

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .289. Also, in this game, Jose Abreu (1-for-4, hitting .332), hit his 19th homer. Two heavyweights doing battle to see if Jo-Jo Ram or El Grande Dolor can end the year as the #1 hitter on the Player Rater. (And maybe AL MVP).

Reynaldo Lopez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.68. There’s no way he pitches again, right? I haven’t heard anything, legit asking. Maybe one or two innings to tune him up on Sunday, let him give up five runs, then go into the postseason with a shattered ego? Not sure, tee bee aitch. Streamonator has him going on Sunday, for what it’s Wuertz.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.57. He gets the Rangers next and Streamonator loves it. Does he go or even go for more than a couple of innings? Guys and five girls, I just got a handle on how to set my microwave clock after five years.

Michael Brantley – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2), hitting .310. Five homers and two steals and he’s played in 42 of a possible 55 games, roughly 75% of games. 75% of a 162-game season and those numbers come out to 15 homers and 6 steals. “Say ‘those numbers prorate out to,’ you bastard.” Easy, Mr. Prorater, easy.

Kyle Tucker – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. Am I the only one thinking that the only player who isn’t missing knowing what pitch is coming is also the only hitter who wasn’t with the team in any significant way before?

Dylan Moore – Hit the IL with a concussion. That’s too bad, he had a great season, but it’s over now, but it wasn’t really a season. He had a good five weeks, I guess.

Frankie Montas – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.32. The A’s just won the division. In related news, the AL West is not good.

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .274. Also, in this game, Max Muncy (1-for-3, hitting .191) hit his 11th homer, and Chris Taylor (1-for-4, hitting .281) hit his 8th homer. I briefly mentioned this in the Cano blurb, but these three guys on the Player Rater this year? Pollock and Taylor are nearly top 50 overall; Muncy barely 200th. Totes normal year.

Corey Seager – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .321. Why does it feel like this entire 60-game season by Seager might be a giant con to get us to draft him next year?

Drew Smyly – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Just when I thought the sting of Cueto’s gut punch on Monday had subsided, Smyly does this to remind me all over again.

Alex Dickerson – 1-for-1 and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in two games. Last night’s homer was a pinch-hit jobber, which isn’t ideal, but Dickerson’s obviously swinging a hot bat. Hey now!

Austin Slater – 2-for-2, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (8), hitting .324. Austin Slater was one of the top hitters in August until he was injured, i.e., I see Slater, screech back, more is there.

Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.84. That’s it for him this regular season, right? The Yankees wouldn’t dare throw him again, would they? They’re gonna need him to throw 9 IP every other day all of October, so I have to think that’s the bow tie on Cole’s season.

Gio Urshela – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .308. Also, in this game, Aaron Hicks (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) stole his 3rd bag; Aaron Judge went 3-for-5, 2 runs, and Cavan Biggio (same game) went 1-for-3 with his 7th homer, and just stream every hitter in Coors East aka Buffalo Wild Winds Stadium.

Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-3 as he started again over Jansen. Kirk could be forcing himself into a larger role, like he forces himself into larger pants.

Robbie Ray – Will start on Wednesday, and Chase Anderson is likely headed to the bullpen, as the Jays prepare their rotation for the playoffs. Well, I should say I think they’re in the playoffs, but if I say that about all 30 teams, I’m only going to be wrong, like, four times.

Mike Clevinger – Will start on Wednesday. Hey, that’s today! Dubya tee eff, stop sneaking up on me!

Griffin Canning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.99 vs. Zach Davies – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.85. This matchup might’ve been the last start for both guys, and let me just tip my cap. They both did better than I expected, and, really, that’s what matters.

Mike Mayers – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save in as many games, ERA at 1.57. Not counting all the prep time they had before, how does it take a major league team two months of a season to realize they had the wrong guy closing until the last week of the season? You could spin a bottle on the back of a greased seal with more accuracy.

Max Stassi – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Imagine how many homers Stassi would have if the Commies weren’t spying on him.

Andrelton Simmons – Opted out of the season with five games to go. According to reports, he just didn’t return text messages from the club. They can’t be mad; it was just an Angel ghosting them.