Welp, wasn’t expecting to be writing this lede today. I had gone over Ian Anderson already writing, “Expected to be called up. I already own him in one NL-Only league. *drops ass, twerks nasty-like, someone enters to TikTok me and I let them not expecting that to ever come back to haunt me* Would I own Anderson in a mixed league? Well…His command looks a little suspect and that could lead to a huge blow up and I’m not really interested in that in mixed leagues yet. Long-term for keepers? I’d guess he’s owned, or your league is shallow. He was on Itch’s top 150 dynasty pitchers, right behind Kyle Wright, who just did bad stuff to one of my teams, and I could see the same from Anderson.” And that’s me quoting me! Then, yesterday happened: 6 IP, 1 hit, 1 ER, 2 walks, 6 Ks, holding the Yankees hitless in 5 1/3 IP. Guess I have to dig in deeper. He was working a 96 MPH fastball, and a 87 MPH change, which had hitters off-balance. The arm speed looked to devastate Yankees’ hitters trying to pick up the change. It is apparently his best pitch. Appeared to be. He also has a solid curve that drops from above the zone into the bye-bye-thanks-for-playing. Don’t think his command is all the way there, but I’m interested now in mixed leagues vs. before yesterday’s game. See, I’m not as Thick as a Brick, Ian Anderson. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (2) in the 1st game. He can become the best player in baseball in a wink and a snap. A hoochie and a coo. A twig and a berry.

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, hitting .283. OZUNA here for Ian Anderson. OZUNA enjoy the Tull. OZUNA think Charlize Theron was excellent in Tully.

Dansby Swanson – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .319. He’s doing so great, which is what I thought until I saw four homers. Guess he does have a solid average and good counting stats. Lowercase yay.

Max Fried – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.35. Could see myself ranking a pitcher next year like Max Fried around 25 to 30th overall after he has a 1-something ERA this year. Yup, that’s weird.

Aaron Judge – Was activated from the IL, after not playing in the day game, then left injured in the middle of the night game. Incredible. This guy and Giancarlo are on my Do Not Draft list. I’m done with them. Do I want to rub baby oil on Giancarlo? Sure, but you can’t draft them anymore. I’m so fed up! Grr!

Luke Voit – 1-for-6 and his 11th homer, hitting .300. You in March, “You didn’t draft a 1st baseman and I have Pete Alonso and Anthony Rizzo! Wait, you think Luke Voit is gonna be enough? Oh man, put on a dunce cap, you dunce!” You now, “Let me check out Razzball’s 2020 fantasy football rankings.”

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.51. Well, at least you drafted your ace.

Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Yes, Tanaka out-pitched Gerrit Cole. Cole taking all those lumps. Still don’t really trust Tanaka, and Streamonator is just barely positive on his next start.

Jose Garcia – Was called up for the Reds to be their starting shortstop. Surprised to see the Reds abandon Freddy Galvis. They obviously don’t respect his ability to start games. Galvis is the best Games Appeared guy in baseball. Freddy Galvis said, “Guys, I can start in every game of the season.” How ya gonna leave a guy out like that? Oh, maybe because the Reds didn’t play. So, the Reds/Brewers were cancelled (and the Dodgers/Giants and Mariners/Padres), and we didn’t get to see Jose Garcia’s debut, but he’s the Reds guy now at short. He was the top Reds fantasy prospect in Prospect Itch’s mind. Then Prospect Will wrote back in December, “Jose Garcia already broke out in 2019, everyone else just didn’t notice. He’s not the player we thought he was, people just haven’t realized yet. For one, despite being listed at 6’2” 175 lbs., Garcia is likely closer to 6’4” 205, partially due to misinformation and partially due to the amount of work he’s done to add strength. He’s also added all of this strength while maintaining his elite athleticism, helping him steal 15 bases this year. Garcia had a big power breakout this year, adding over 20 feet to his fly ball distance, but it went almost completely unnoticed due to the pitcher friendly conditions of the FSL. My biggest issue with Garcia is that he rarely walks, and my biggest problem with Grey is everything.” Geez! My Blink takeaway for a player comp is Alex Gonzalez — power/a bit of speed/no walks/good glove.

Gavin Lux – Traveling with the taxi squad. Weirdly enough, it’s by bus. Yo, change the name, you jerks! I gave you my Gavin Lux fantasy last week when I told you to start adding him. He’ll be with the team any day now, Annie Potts.

Merrill Kelly – Out for the year after having shoulder surgery for a blood clot. “Blood clot” is a phrase that completely gets across the gravity of a situation. Like whatever Mitch Haniger had. Testicular torsion? Yup, don’t want that either.

Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Dakota Hudson, or as I like to call him Wyoming Mississippi, is more stretched out than Flaherty. Oh…*treks through the Appalachian Trail*…kay. Wyoming also sports worse peripherals than his ERA indicates, and gets an unfavorable matchup next.

Trevor Rosenthal – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.29. Tried to warn the Royals a few days ago the more they pitched Rosenthal the less they were going to be able to trade for him. Matheny’s not-smarts caught up to him.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Shouldn’t even have been one run against him. It was kinda BS. Hopefully, we see deGrom again next year in this form, and a year older doesn’t hurt him. Not for fantasy, I don’t own top pitchers, but it is still nice to see someone be the best in the game, and deGrom…Well, I’m surprised when anyone gets a hit off him ever.

Edwin Diaz – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and left with an injury. Never want to celebrate an injury. Unless you’re a Mets fan, then you should absolutely celebrate. The way the Mets Mets’d deGrom out of a win is un-Mets’ing-believable. Mets’ closer should be Dellin Betances, but who knows? He hasn’t pitched in a while. Are the Mets trying to suppress his value? Is he hurt? Where’s Familia? Not Jeurys, I mean my actual Familia. I’m standing at the mall waiting for a pickup.

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Was out for a few, due to Mets’ postponements, but prior he was in last week’s Buy column, and I was singing that Nimmo was wet and gushy, which I believe was a compliment in my own inimitable way.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-2, 3 runs and a slam (5) and legs (3), hitting .324. Could someone please check on Alonso? He’s still playing, right?

Jon Lester – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.55. He’s done well against bad teams. Mean’swhile, Lester’s keester is handed to him against good teams. Streamonator has him taking on the Pirates next, and I could see the stream.

Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer, hitting .220. After this home run, Joe Buck excused himself from his mother’s meatloaf, while taking the mashed potatoes in his hand, and disappeared for 20 minutes.

Jonathan Schoop – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .300. Tigers had 18 hits yesterday, and no home runs. Haha, what is this, 1985?

Buck Farmer – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.23. Joe Jimenez is out as closer, but you sure you wanna *uck with Buck? Gregory Soto is the most interesting closer replacement, but Jose Cisnero could do the job too.

Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Think I might start streaming everyone vs. the Rangers. Yesterday, they hit catcher Jose Trevino third, without a trace of embarrassment. Jose Trevino, ye of three homers total in three years of the majors. Ye stink!

Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 7.84. How goofy is this guy’s lines? Anyone with half a brain can tell him:  throw to more contact, you dope!

Christian Walker – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs, hitting .310. Continues to…*touches Christian Walker’s name on screen, hears sizzle sound*

Sam Hilliard – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and a slam (4) and legs (3). Could see a Sam Hilliard being one of the top 20 best outfielders in the game. I say “a Sam Hilliard,” because this one is doomed with Bud Black. I think people forget, he went 42/24 last year between Triple-A and the majors. Those are his home runs and steals, and Bud Black was playing Chris Owings over him!

Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .390. Nerds were doing math two weeks ago about how terrible Chazz Noir would have to hit to get under .400. Hope you’re happy, nerds!

Diego Castillo – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 2.31. See, he’s the Rays’ closer, just as we all figured (a week after we expected it, and Nick Anderson is due back on Sunday).

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .296. How ya like me Lowe?! It rhymes with ‘now,’ it works, don’t doubt.

Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18, as he was recalled from the alternate training site. Woo boy, what a callup! Anyone have tape on this guy? Wasn’t able to see him, but I heard his stuff is pretty good. Confirm, deny, see results?

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.75. I’ve been rooting for Berrios sow hard, and I feel like I just keep reaping.

Max Kepler – 1-for-1 and his 7th homer, but left with a bruised foot. Just randomly I looked at Kepler’s RBIs (18) from leadoff and Lindor’s from the three-hole, and you don’t want to know.

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Damn, this is the longest running feel-good batty call since…Was it 1999? My memory is hazy from the Scorpion Bowl, and I faintly remember Matchbox Twenty playing on the jukebox.

Rowdy Tellez – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (5, 6), hitting .254. Okay, brief retrospective about the Jays: They are hitting against the Red Sox in the Buffalo Bandbox.

Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .350. The only bright spot on the Red Sox. Yes, that’s sad.

Keone Kela – Has yet to pick up a baseball. Same for Trout’s baby boy. For keepers? I’m going Trout’s baby boy.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .182. Why do I picture Edwin and Nelson Cruz singing Kanye West’s Big Brother song, but them being unsure if Edwin or Cruz is the older brother?

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .320. El Grande Dolor! (Member this? It needs to make a comeback. Crap, hearing now from Frank Thomas’s attorney that it does not, indeed, need to make a comeback.)

Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .315. Can someone send a message to the White Sox front office for me? Get a starter at the deadline and you can win the World Series.

Danny Mendick – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Mendick happens to be one of the hotter bats. Emphasis on the plural ‘bats.’

Dallas Keuchel – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Honestly, vs. the Pirates, anything less than a no-hitter is just not good enough.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. I can get back in on Hoskins, but it’s gonna take a lot of work by him. I’m not putting in any work.

Luis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 1st steal. Not a huge game, but just wanted to poke my head in and say he’s impressed me thus far.

Carter Kieboom – Optioned to the alternate training site. Most ‘perts who called Kieboom their preseason NL ROY favorite? Well, that went Kieboom, all right.

Juan Soto – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .380. I’m going to slowly move my stuff out of the mailbox outside Giancarlo’s house. Not because the post office is removing it. I just feel like it might be time for a change and to stalk, fawn, periscope into the bedroom of a different player. One that looks like a keg of sexy soda. *sits in beanbag chair, methodically shakes can of soda, sprays self in face* I’m good, talk later.