When Chris Heston entered the 1st inning and said, “Keep your stupid bats off my pitches, you damn dirty Mets,” we should’ve known we were in for a historic night. Or at least a histrionic one. I was between Mike Foltynewicz (5 2/3 IP, 5 ER) and Heston to stream yesterday, and, well, you can imagine who I went with. What’s wrong with me, Dr. Zaius? Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, ooooooooh, Dr. Zaius. Help me, Dr. Zaius! Yesterday, Heston pitched a no hitter against the Mets, striking out eleven, and just missed a perfect game, due to hitting three batters. Those batters Heston plunked likely critiqued his acting in Soylent Green or supported the Brady Handgun Bill. After this game, Heston’s numbers look like a fantasy #2 (8 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.21 xFIP), but, since he throws around 89 MPH, I’d limit his exposure against tougher hitting teams on the road. Obviously, he’s worth owning. On a concluding note, I hate every streamer I see, from streamer A to Chumpanzee. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Hunter Pence – Sitting out due to tendinitis in his right wrist, and may need a DL stint. The Gangly Manbird injured himself, trying to reach for Manbirdseed in his Manbirdcage.
Matt Duffy – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and, in this game, Joe Panik (2-for-5) also hit his 5th homer. Duffy is hitting near-.300 in the last week and Panik’s been a hot schmotato since before you were born (assuming you’re two weeks old; nice reading comprehension, by the by!). I’ve mentioned this before, but the Giants are so the Cardinals West. Some teams spend trillions and get no help from unsung’ers. Mean’s while, the Giants and Cards win divisions with guys no one drafts and NO ONE WANTS TO PICK UP! Sorry for screaming, I had no idea you were reading this in the library.
Kevin Plawecki – Scratched yesterday due to dizziness. If I were the doctor, the first thing I’d check for was blonde hair. From there, I’m not sure. Bad timing for Plawecki since d’Arnaud is due back today. Or as Plawecki would say, “D’oh…noooo.”
Nelson Cruz – Left yesterday’s game with back spasms. Hopefully, if you own him, it’s nothing, but he’s been known to get knocked to the DL for a lot less, and this is my lame attempt to try to jinx him since I don’t own him.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .242. Hey, don’t worry, Mariner fans, he’s still hitting better than his $240 million contract!
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. Obviously Lloyd Christmas McClendon couldn’t focus his stupid anymore with Fernando Rodney, and the key word there is focus only spelled differently, so Xmas is batting Logan leadoff. Is Morrison the least likely candidate in the league to hit leadoff? I feel like this is akin to Nick Swisher hitting leadoff.
Carson Smith – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 2nd save as he gave up a homer, and don’t think Christmas isn’t just waiting to put Fernando back in the ninth. Seriously, Smith gives him the slightest reason and Christmas is going to switch them right back, so I wouldn’t drop Rodney yet.
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.53. It’s all good in da Klub with a bottle of bub, but his record is 3-7. He has as many wins as his opponent last night Roenis Elias 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.79. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Wins are stupid.” Well, not exactly trivia, but true.
Yan Gomes – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (1, 2). If Yan can hit, then you can own him too. If he was dropped in your league, I’d look to add him. And I just asked for catcher questions. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.
Rafael Soriano – Signed with the Cubs. It gives the Cubs Rondonatello, Motteangelo, Stropnardo and Rafael. You’d think their bullpen was in the sewer or these guys were very slow. There is a renaissance right now in Wrigleyville, and the only Medici’ne that Pope John Maddon needs is more options, and the only Florence I know is Henderson, and the only Brady I don’t know is Tom. You follow? Well, start leading, my GPS battery’s low and I don’t know where this pizza place is! With news that Soriano signed in Chicago, I’m guessing Maddon will use him at some point in the ninth, but there’s no guarantees. Here’s me yesterday going to the waiver wire to pick him up, “Aw, shucks, he’s not here. Wait, no one is in this room with me so A) Why am I pretending to be upset Soriano’s not available? B) Who am I talking to? C) There’s no C.” I would’ve grabbed him if he were there, but I’m not sweating not owning him either. He had a 6.48 ERA in the 2nd half of last year, and lost the Nationals closer job.
Jon Lester – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.25. Buy low! Seriously, go now. This will be here when you return. I promise. bcisabiak Oops, had my fingers crossed. No, I promise, it’ll be here.
Justin Verlander – Will debut on Saturday. Let’s just say, I’m not running out to add him in any leagues. In fact (oh, snap, Grey’s adding on!), I didn’t even look to see if Verlander was available. It’s not worth the headache, which could also be said of tropical fruit-flavored aspirin.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.16. Thankfully, he’s owned by the guy that wrote a hateful email about Anibal to everyone in May and abandoned his team.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and now has two hits in four of his last five games. Glad him and Ausmus stopped discussing the Torah and he started hitting.
Sergio Santos – Signed a minor league deal with the Yankees. Whenever I hear the name Sergio, I think, “He must make fantastic, stonewashed jeans,” but his Wikipedia page makes no mention.
Ivan Nova – Looking decent in rehab from Tommy John surgery and will likely be back in a few weeks. I’d roll out some FAAB dough if I had a knead (SP?).
Stephen Drew – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (8, 9), hitting .175. Those are also his eighth and ninth hits this year. Kidding. Barely.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Obviously, he’s pitching well, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if after any start we hear he can’t feel from his shoulder to his wrist.
Doug Fister – Will make one more rehab start in Double-A Harrisburg. Let’s just be thankful it’s Double-A and not double Fister.
Denard Span – Scratched due to back spasms. He says he wants to return when he’s at full strength, but everyone knows you should never go full Denard.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .330. After he homered, he got back to the dugout and high-fived people really hard because he’s, like, really pumped up and jacked and…DAH!
Matt Holliday – Hit the DL. Holliday without the DL is still “Oh, I lay.” Randal Grichuk (1-for-4) will see the bulk of the outfield at-bats in his absence, and this will also open room for The Federalist (0-for-4, 1 run). In Coors, they’re all wonderful. Outside, they’re schmotatoes waiting for heat.
Michael Wacha – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA up to 2.45. The 10 Ks are clouding that those footsteps he’s hearing are the Regression Fairies.
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .315. All of those years he hit .260 were what? A lie? Are you a phonny?
Corey Dickerson – Close to being activated from the DL. Walt Weiss said, “I hope he says ‘Hi.'” Seriously, he said that. I just thought of something, what if the ultimate parable of the TV show Lost is the Others take Walt’s brain. Unfortch, with Dickerson’s type of injury, he could have a flare-up at any moment, so we’re not out of the woods. Or as Walt Weiss would say, “His injury could say, ‘Hi.'”
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Batten down, the Torenado’s approaching!
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .350. *shrugs* No idea where it’s coming from, but it should be on your team while it’s coming out of nowhere.
Miguel Gonzalez – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain. It’s not clear at this point how severe. I guess that means it’s not clear at his point.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 0.44, which I believe is a better ERA than any other Red Sox starter after any one hitter.
Hanley Ramirez – Fouled a pitch off his knee, but x-rays came back negative, and Hanley thinks he can play today at 35%. So, the uze.
Jake Odorizzi – Officially hit the DL with a strained oblique. So vague, yet so…what’s the word?
Evan Longoria – Expects to return on Wednesday. Hey, that’s today! You snuck up on me.
Desmond Jennings – Sidelined since April, and now he’s going to have his knee scoped. I hope they send in a miniature Dennis Quaid. He’s good at that sorta thing.
Taylor Jungmann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Pirates. Was it a coincidence that Jungmann didn’t face Jung-ho or were they afraid he’d pimp slap him? Jungmann’s walk rate in Triple-A was 4.4 and his ERA was 6.37, so, um, yeah.
Jason Rogers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. He got a fastball middle in, and that’s Mr. Rogers’ neighborhood.
Aramis Ramirez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .213. Bet you five over-the-internet dollars that next March Aramis will work out for teams, looking for a contract, then quietly retire in April.
Francisco Liriano – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Still amazing to me how good his peripherals look, 10.5 K/9, 3.1 BB/9 and 2.78 xFIP. He gets no respect at all, I’m gonna start calling him Francisco Triple Lindyano.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 16th homer. His homer tied Mickey Mantle on the all-time home run list. Pujols could barely round the bases as Billy Crystal chased after him with a Challah knife, shouting, “Get off my fondest childhood memory!”
Kole Calhoun – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs. Seriously, the Comment Drop Magic worked again. Yesterday, Calhoun suddenly started appearing as a guy no one wanted. Let’s go, guys and five girls, there’s more players we need to spur. Spur on, spurrers!
Matt Shoemaker – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Rays, ERA at 4.86. Yeah, that’s nice. Do it another three times in a row and I’ll start to pay attention.
David Freese – Left yesterday’s game with a tight hamstring. Have an ice night, Mr. Freese!
Justin Turner – Didn’t start yesterday’s game due to some swelling in his knee. This Justin, who cares?
Carlos Frias – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.86 vs. Robbie Ray 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Both are streamers in most leagues, and I’d look at the Stream-o-Nator for their next starts.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Howie like me now!
Brandon Morrow – Shut down for two weeks. There’s now 50/50 odds that he’ll hurt himself while being shut down.
Will Venable – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was about to call him Max. Hehe, I’m old. Any the hoo! He’s a hot schmotato, grab him.
Yonder Alonso – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .360. Like I said yesterday, I originally grabbed him as a batty call, but he’s putting out, and I cuddled up a little while longer.
Jace Peterson – 2-for-5, 1 run. He’s hit in nine of the past ten games, and has speed, so if you’re into those sorta things, you can do worse. Jace Peterson: You can do worse! Quite the campaign slogan.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first of presumably many slam (1) and legs (1). Don’t fly too close to the sun, Icarlos!
Dallas Keuchel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.90. As Kanye would say, Dallas is going gorillas.
Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Still hate that his walk rate is 5.3, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wish I owned him in all leagues.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal. How do you go from Big Limpin’ to stealing bases? Does Avisail only not make sense to me? He’s a riddle wrapped in a burrito surrounded by “What is that? Cheese? Why’s it green?”
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. C’mon, seven more by the All-Star break and I’ll pardon you like Ralph Fiennes.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-3 and two solo homers (20, 21), taking over the major league lead in homers. Funny thing (not funny), he hasn’t even gotten hot this year. He just hits four homers a week like it’s his business.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .217. He’s been so bad I wonder if he’s nursing an injury. He definitely looks young enough to be nursing.
Dan Haren – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12 vs. Mark Buehrle 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.25. And they say baseball is boring! Haren vs. Buehrle is like Duran vs. Duran!
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, two days after a cortisone shot, the last legal steroid. Light bulb moment! Players seem to need two days to recuperate from a cortisone shot, right? And they always hit homers immediately after, right? So why not give every player a cortisone shot once a week? Every one will be hitting 30 homers!
Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.65 vs. Sonny Gray 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.74. I like Gray. *kisses mirror* I don’t like Martinez. *pastes picture of Martinez onto Popsicle stick, gives disapproving look* But this game should’ve definitely been visited by the Regression Fairies. Plus, it was held right outside of San Fran!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week and this was his 2nd homer in the last four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Chris Young – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 2 Ks vs. the Twins. I’d like to see Young one-hit the Twins Triple-A affiliate! Or did he? Now I’m confused.
Trevor May – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. JB just gave you his Trevor May fantasy. I agree with him, but don’t like him beyond a streamer in most mixed leagues. Yet, and that’s a big yet, I just can’t figure out the HTML for bigger letters.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. Could be a warming schmotato, but I went to his player page, looking to see what he had done in the last ten days, because I did remember he homered a few days ago, but there wasn’t a whole lot there. I was also greeted by the least amused face ever.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-3, 1 run. I got Jung-ho’s in different area codes…Sorry, Ludacris just came up on my iTunes. Another day, another Maikel blurb saying he’s hot and should be owned.
Billy Hamilton – Sat out yesterday with a banged up wrist. I used to bang up my wrist all the time, and, for what it’s worth, I’m not blind.
Zack Cozart – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Here’s an idea of how bad the shortstop position is. On our Player Rater, Cozart is the 5th best shortstop on the year. He’s the 5th best, I own him in multiple leagues, and I don’t even enjoy owning him. Weird time to be alive, Caitlyn.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Up goes Frazier! Up goes Frazier!
Anthony DeSclafani – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 7 Ks. So, if I was streaming a pitcher whose name I couldn’t pronounce, this was the one. Oh, who are we kidding, a pitcher whose name I can’t pronounce could be any pitcher.
Brandon Phillips – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain. He suffered a groin strain when he went into 3rd base awkwardly. I can’t count how many times I strained my groin trying to go into 3rd base awkwardly.
Joey Votto – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and three homers, (11, 12, 13). Veni Votto Vici.
