You flip through your cassette singles. You pop in James Ingram’s Just Once cassette single, but decide that’s better to play right after taking the love of your life for an abortion. You then pop in the In Your Eyes cassette single, but it feels too Say Anything. You then pop in the Always & Forever single you played on the way to prom, and it…feels right. You take your boombox and place it on your shoulder, Luther Vandross plays obnoxiously loud if Vandross could ever be obnoxious, but you decide he can’t be. The song gets to the end and you flip it over to play the Always & Forever house remix. Yet, this whole time, Matt Harvey‘s Buy Low Window stays shut. You wonder why it won’t open again, and sigh. It’s now shut because yesterday Matt Harvey went 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.37. Looks like the slider returned with his velocity. Last week I said I didn’t think his problems were unfixable, yesterday he showed they weren’t. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
David Wright – Sounds like he’s headed to the DL with a neck issue. Apparently, his neck is having sympathy pains for his back.
Neil Walker – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer. Without doing any research, doesn’t it feel like middle infielders have more homers than outfielders?
Austin Jackson – Out of the lineup with turf toe. The good news is for Memorial Day he had kids playing mini putt-putt off his toe.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4. It honestly seems like he has an 0-for-2 before the game even starts.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.13. He was just outpitched by Matt Harvey. If you foresaw me writing that previous sentence more than 24 hours ago, you are strong in the foresight or lying. My money’s on the fibs.
Byron Buxton – Recalled by the Twins for the DL’d Dannys Antana. I often wonder if we need a short memory or a long memory for this fantasy baseball thing. If you have a short memory, you forget Byron Buxton was an absolute disaster in the month of April. But if you have a long memory, you remember he was dreadful, but also remember he was a top prospect. But an even longer memory remembers that Wil Myers was once a top prospect. While a very short memory forgets who the hell we were talking about. Buxton! Right! After being demoted, Buxton hit six homers, stole four bags and hit .333 in about a month. He’s capable of that at the major league level too. Will he do it? I doubt he gets there this year, but is worth a flyer in all leagues for upside.
Phil Hughes – Was moved to the Twins’ bullpen. Because this is fun, here’s Keith Law in 2007 describing Hughes, “He’s one of the top two pitching prospects in the game. Hughes’ hitting counterpart on the Yanks’ prospect depth chart is teenaged center fielder Jose Tabata.” Later in the same article, “(Trading) Randy Johnson didn’t bring as much back, but the Yanks did grab another live arm in Ross Ohlendorf.” Writing about prospects is about the only business in the world where you can be wrong 95% of the time and appear to know what you’re talking about. William Goldman’s adage about Hollywood also holds true for baseball prospects, no one knows anything.
Rich Hill – His groin has not ruled him out for his next start. His groin is also like, “Yo, where’s my hoes at?!”
Kendall Graveman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.09. In this game, Coco Crisp also homered, his 5th, Crisp was also famous for doing the Bernie Lean, which was limping around like Weekend at Bernie’s, who was dead, and should’ve been in the grave, man, who started this game. Coincidence? Are you kidding me?!
Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 12th save as Doolittle set him up. Hmm, well, I guess Bob Melvin heard wrong or he tried to do a move on his own and Beane shut him down, and demanded he go back to Madson as the closer, because it seemed like Doolittle was the closer this weekend. Or on Sunday it was just a matter of matchups. Either way, closer hierarchy is Madson then Doolittle, and I’d own both.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .395. We’re not defrosting Ted Williams’ head yet, but we are thinking about using the microwave on a low setting.
Bryce Harper – Left after being hit by a pitch on the knee. He has soreness and you, Harper owners, can come back from the ledge. He’s going to be fine.
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70 vs. Jeremy Hellickson 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.68. – Fun fact! A Tanner from hell was also the shorthand people used to describe the vampire movie with George Hamilton.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (3). Freddy got figured!…into the game.
Yovani Gallardo – Set for a rehab assignment. I.e., YoGa is stretching out.
Steven Wright – 9 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.45. I usually point out how many walks a guy threw if it portends trouble or undercuts a good start or overcuts (uppercuts?) a bad start, with Wright, it doesn’t matter. None of it matters with a knucklerballer. That’s the blessing and the curse. He could go out and throw a 3 IP, 7 ER start next time or a complete game shutout and there’s no way of telling from the previous starts. Owning a knuckler is an act of trust like Stedman had when Oprah went camping with Gayle.
David Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .337. I’m glad Ortiz is retiring because I’m running out of superlatives to say about a 55-year-old guy that’s better than 99% of the league.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .331. Some day there will be movies, books and TV shows about how JBJ became president of Red Sox Nation with the help of the Mafia, FBI, Cubans, Communists, some random guy with a 16mm camera, the city of Dallas, Joe DiMaggio and aliens.
Marco Hernandez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Hernandez is a utility infielder, who can play all over, so I will call him Marco Polo.
Dexter Fowler – Sat out yesterday with a sore right heel. The team doctor and him then acted out a never-before-seen Abbott & Costello routine. “It’ll heal.” “Heel?” “Heal.” “Heel heal?” “I don’t know.” “Third base!”
Jason Hammel – Left yesterday’s game with a leg cramp. Usually happens on the 28th day. I respect that, crazily.
Collin McHugh – 9 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.82. It feels like McHugh and Keuchel are challenging each other to see who can get their ERA below four by August. I’m gonna bet Keuchel, but McHugh’s got a head start of seven-tenths of a run.
George Springer – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .279. Trout or Springer this year? Will it be close? Damn Marc Price!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. Au Shizz!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. That Lamb makes me wanna scream souvlikey! By the by, if you’re opening a Greek restaurant and want to name it Souvlikey!, it’s fine with me, just please put a picture of me up by the register as you would a picture of Jesus or Nia Vardalos.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.03. If I had streamed him as the Stream-o-Nator suggested, those five walks would’ve came home to roost. Screaming a’la George Constanza, roost!
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .323. I call Hosmer’s year, “What you wish you were getting from Freeman.”
Matt Andriese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Okay, okay, but his K/9 is barely above five. That is the new blech.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 4 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.11. If this game happened 25 years ago, Verlander would’ve went into the parking lot of Angels Stadium to find Tawny Kitaen draped on his Camaro. Thank God it isn’t 25 years ago!
Jhoulys Chacin – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.42. It felt like the Angels game was preceded by 8 hours of the hitters drinking at a Memorial Day BBQ. “Yo, Miggy, that’s not a keg, that’s Kole Calhoun’s tuckus.”
Josh Tomlin – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.79. The Regression Fairies are happy for Selina Meyer’s daughter, they debated for three hours if Blake and Gwen should stay together and they will hurt your ratios when you least expect it.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and 4th homer in the past week. All equations involving his mother’s nipples aside, Napoli is one smoking hot schmotato.
Marlon Byrd – 4-for-4 and his 5th homer, and a triple shy of the cycle. It was a solo shot. Or I guess I could say *pinkie to mouth* a Mar-lone shot. A 4-for-4 goes a long way to a hot schmotato, so might want to cyclops him.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .309. He was ranked low in the top 100 hitters this week and Prospector Ralph nearly lost it. If Muppet Babies were all MLB rookies, those would be Prospector Ralph’s legs.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .293. Somehow, he’s hitting that well, but this was his first three-hit game since April 26th and he has one homer and four steals on the year. So yawnstipating.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .298. Shine on you crazy Desmond!
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Holland beat the Indians, because all they kept seeing is New Amsterdam.
Nathan Karns – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Before we wonder if Karns is rolling like Lieutenant Dan, this start came against the Padres. Now we have to hope his next start works out in Texas for all of us that own him in a weekly league (me!).
Dae-Ho Lee – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. You know that ‘trick’ you do with your dog when you pretend to throw a ball, but instead drop the ball behind you? If you were to do that to a major league hitter, his face would look like this. Don’t be sad for Dae-Ho, in that picture, his bottom half is standing inside a giant tomato. They call him Dae-Homato at home.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .263. His homers in 2014: 25; homers in 2015: 26; average in 2014: .268; average last year: .266. He’s on pace this year for 25 HRs and .265. He’s a machine.
Stephen Piscotty – Scratched with food poisoning. What did he eat? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Carlos Martinez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.69. Unfortch, he’s not out of the woods yet, and won’t be all year because he ended last year with a shoulder injury. If you own him, I’d hope for the best but expect the worst like any album from a rapper that was popular in the 90s.
Matt Carpenter – 4-for-5, 3 runs, hitting .257. I don’t own him, so I had no idea what he was hitting. He had a .241 average entering play yesterday. He’s really abandoned average to hit for power, huh? As Yahoo Answers would tell you, vetard strength is a real thing.
Matt Holliday – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .257. Guess it’s time for me to pick up Holliday for the 12th time.
Junior Guerra – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (0 walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Not to sound all JB’y and give a slow clap to the Brewers, but that isn’t a bad start with zero walks. Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I could see streaming him there.
Luis Severino – Was activated from the DL and optioned to Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. Going from Scranton/Wilkes-Barre to the Bronx is like training your soldiers by sending them to the Middle Eastern restaurant in Epcot.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98. All the Yankees have to do is get their team to the 6th inning with the lead. Yet, they cannot do it.
Marco Estrada – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 K, ERA at 2.43. Estrada pulled all the right strings, reducing the Yankees’ lineup to a Ponch n’ Judy show.
Derek Dietrich – Was cleared of concussion symptoms after a foul ball found his melon Gallagher-style. Only must’ve been weak baby Gallagher who can’t crush a melon rather than full-grown Gallagher.
Jeff Locke – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.33. Cool, awesome, fake excitement word, where’s Taillon and when’s he coming up?
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, a grand slam, hitting .315. I give up. Hit him wherever you want, Hurdle. You daft brain fart!
David Freese – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .296. This doesn’t make it right!
Nick Hundley – Set for rehab games. In a multiple leagues, after activating guys, I stashed Hundley. Yes, this says a bit about my catcher shituation, but I could see stashing Hundley because those summer games in Coors are nice for hitters.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and, like, his 12th homer in the past five games. Siri, remind me to buy CarGo next year mid-May. “Oh, goodie, this will be like season 2 of The Wire.” You’re so white, Siri. “You were the one who said, ‘Damn Marc Price’.'” Fair enough, Siri.
Daniel Descalso – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs as he played for a resting Arenado. Holy sit! Those were supposed to be my Arenado stats.
Tony Cingrani – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Do you see what owning a Reds closer gets you? Do you?
Adam Duvall – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. Owned in how many ESPN leagues? Go ahead guess. Nope, lower. Lower still. Negative fourteen? C’mon, that’s not even a real guess. He’s owned in 23% of leagues. Um, okay.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .213. He has a lower batting average than every other regular Reds player. Billy Hamilton (3-for-5, 2 runs and his 10th steal) is hitting almost thirty points higher than Votto. I will now cackle loudly. I apologize in advance. HA!
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .223. Challenging Votto for the lowest common denominator on average like the Are You The One? kids challenging the old schoolers (who are like 25) on MTV’s The Challenge.
Zack Cozart – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .297. He’s come down a long way since the .350 days of April, but he’s still hitting leadoff and likely better than most scrub MIs in deep leagues. Okay, not most, but some.
Sergio Romo – Experienced some fatigue and won’t return from the DL until Thursday. He said there’s no truth to the rumor that he needs to sleep four days in a row and that’s how he grows out his beard.
Matt Duffy – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the wrist. X-rays came back negative, outlook is positive, and glass is exactly at mid-point mark.
Brandon Belt – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .294. There was talk yesterday about people dropping Belt. I don’t agree with it, but I hope they meant the player.
Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.84 vs. Mike Foltynewicz 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.51. They needed to hire 5th grade Indian kids to spell the probable starters.
