The story of German Marquez isn’t one they tell you in your parochial schools. It’s an ugly story punctuated with cowardice and the worst atrocities in history. You’d think if a family emigrated from 1940’s Germany they would’ve had the common decency to not name their child German. Also, his father claiming to be an appliance repairman who specializes in ovens is disgusting. The last straw was when his family tried to claim sauerkraut was good in tacos. Shame on you! What’s less shameful is how he’s pitched in the 2nd half. He now has a 2.64 ERA in the 2nd half in 68 1/3 IP, and his peripherals on the year are gorgeous — 10.2 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.21 xFIP. He’s doing it with newfound success in his slider, which he throws 15% of the time. That slider is top 15 in the majors, and is supported with a 95 MPH fastball. In other words, this breakout appears real. Last night, he went 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.94, and I see no reason to not start him in any matchup, even in Coors. Or Löwenbräu as he calls it. Disgraceful! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 32nd homer. Story, can you please share your narrative with Arenado? Please, I need him so badly.
David Dahl – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. This was at home, but he hasn’t been much when on the road. Surprised, Road Dahl sounds like a fairy tale.
Brad Boxberger – Diamondbacks will be going to a closer by committee. The only thing ever made better by committee is jerk seasoning. Not sure why they couldn’t just say Yoshihisa Hirano is the closer. Sadly, even though Archie Bradley has struggled almost as badly as Boxberger, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him get first look at closer. At this point, whoever converts one might be the closer for the rest of the year.
Zack Godley – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.67. He might want to consider a name change. Zack Humanly?
Carlos Martinez – 1 IP, 1 ER, and his 3rd save, ERA at 3.25. The Shildt Head announced that the Cards’ Opening Day starter is now their closer. Wasn’t a bad Opening Day starter either. If I would’ve projected C-Mart for saves in March, as I ranked him in the top 20 starters, people would’ve called for my head, and now they’d be burning me on a stake for being a witch — SALEMAGNOF?
Michael Wacha – Was moved to a 60-day DL with this strained oblique and his season is done. Obliques are so devastatingly vague like the meaning of life. Whoa, deep.
Adam Wainwright – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.70, as he returned from the DL. If I’m being 100% honest, I thought he retired a few months back. Now I will change that to I think he should’ve retired a few months ago.
Trevor Williams – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Bleh. He got rained out from pitching an easy matchup vs. the Marlins and got pushed to a much tougher matchup in St. Louis. As my favorite group sang, “Blame it on the rain.”
Starling Marte – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. Most people have checked out already, so this will be between us. A lot of my overrated schmohawk posts rely on where others rank a guy, but Marte is almost assuredly going to be overrated next year. Older guy who relies on his legs for fantasy value? Who are you, McCuthen before he cut his hair, i.e., The Dread Pirate?
Colin Moran – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Member when some people were calling Moran a sleeper this preseason? They’re now researching fantasy basketball rankings. (The Russian judge gives me a 9.7 on that segue to ruin my perfect score.)
Kyle Gibson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.67. He wasn’t particularly copathetic yesterday, or much of a borinnings eater. He did have a bit of a Junis sais quoi going for him since he was facing the Yanks. Okay, so I didn’t land on a glossary term for Gibson-types who give boring Quality Starts.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Happ handcuffed the Twins like he was Aroldis Chapman on Spring Break. “Turndown service will uncuff you in a few hours, I am late for my rehab game.” That’s Aroldis keeping his priorities in order.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 16th homer. He was totally worth that 3rd round draft pick! Wait, he’s hitting .189. And he has 42 runs and 46 RBIs. Umm…Well, at least he’s not Greg Bird! As Tyler Austin’s dad would say.
Aaron Judge – Took batting practice and said the pain is not gone. Ha, and this is why they call it gambling. Yesterday, I said My Bookie had a bet on whether or not Aaron Judge would get an at-bat this year, and I said it seemed like easy money. Easy money gives you a wedgie in 5th grade gym class when you call it easy money.
Josh Donaldson – Will be activated today from the DL. Indians said, he will serve as the 3rd baseman, then on the bench Wednesday and back in lineup on Friday. I expect him to homer at least once, throw a four-hopper to first base, and be injured again by Saturday.
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .196. I hadn’t thought about Bauers much in the last month or so, then someone asked me about him yesterday, and I told that person to drop him. Wash yourselves in tomato soup, we’re all skunked!
Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last week and hitting near-.300 in that time. Hot schmotato alert!
Wade Miley – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.23. I just gave you my Wade Miley fantasy–Wait, or was that Wade LeBlanc? It was Wade someone who shouldn’t be pitching as well as he is, but is pitching as well as he is. Good grammar points!
Jeremy Jeffress – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks and his 11th save, ERA at 1.41. Lots of talk in the comments yesterday about Corey Knebel and what he’s doing recently. Okay, great, terrific, adjective, but look at Jeffress’ ERA once more.
Jon Lester – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.57, and left with lower back tightness. Such a baseball injury. I’ve had lower back tightness since 2012! Get out there, you wuss!
Albert Pujols – Will have elbow surgery this week after having knee surgery a few weeks back. Pujols will be playing 1st in a body cast next year with Luis Valbuena DH’ing. I know, Valbuena was DFA’d, but don’t you worry!
Jaime Barria – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.53. That start makes me want to wander into traffic. Not cars sitting in rush hour traffic, but wander into a group of drug mules in jail putting on a stage play of Steven Soderbergh’s Traffic. By the by, I hope the finale of The Deuce is the camera slowly pulls back and reveals it’s a stage play in jail put on by The Wire characters. Any hoo! The Stream-o-Nator dislikes Barria’s next start, and I wouldn’t go near him.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.72. He received a hero’s welcome in Detroit from the 1,800 people in attendance, 600 of which were elderly ushers. Why is every usher 87 years old? First rule of Usher Club: Don’t talk about Usher Club. 2nd Rule of Usher Club: What was the 1st rule again?
Kenley Jansen – Rejoined the Dodgers in Cincy. If you were the Reds, would you put a strategically placed cat in a bullpen closet to jump out right when Jansen opened it or no? I.e., fair play or a move by Johnny Fairplay?
Julio Urias – Back after anterior capsule surgery last June. He didn’t look great in the minors and, while I still like him longterm, there’s nothing here for 2018. *looking at picture of him* Am I right? Yup, see, he blinked in confirmation.
Alex Wood – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.65. What’s the difference between Alex and Natalie Wood? Alex is an anchor, Robert Wagner tied one to Natalie’s ankle.
Chris Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. I saw Taylor went H.A.M. the other day and considered mentioning it, but I, and more importantly Dave Roberts, have no idea if Taylor’s going to play again today, tomorrow or whenever.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 32nd homer, hitting .291. Good or bad comparison: Look at Eugenio in 2019 like you looked at Beltre for twelve years during his prime?
Scooter Gennett – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .320. He had four singles for the Juan Pierre Cycle! After the game, Juan called him, saying, “Congratulations! You qualify for refinancing on your house!”
Jake Junis – 8 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.28. He definitely has that Junis sais quoi. He doesn’t leave home without it. He is a popular two-start guy this week, and I see no reason this start would change that.
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .301. For fantasy, he is a dream — double digit power, great steals (31) and average. Plus, he plays on a terrible team so he will have a draft discount for no reason. It’s amazing how many people every year discount a guy for his lack of runs or RBIs. Like they know how many runs or RBIs he’s going to get!
Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and his 4th homer in the last ten games. I’m done fighting it, hot schmotato alert!
Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.76. Hey, 76 is a chain of gas stations and there’s Lucas oil. What are you trying to tell me, universe?! What?! *listens closely* Take out the garbage? Weird, the universe sounds a lot like my cougar wife. So, Giolito didn’t look great in his previous start, but then put together a Quality Start against a poor team, and he gets another one in his next start (O’s). Stream-o-Nator‘s iffy on it because it’s in The ‘More.
Daniel Palka – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and his 3rd homer in his last seven games, but that’s not in the White Sox last seven games, because he platoons. OR DOES HE?! I’m with you there, Reversal Question, I think the White Sox might have Matt Davidson just play half the time wearing a Palka uniform.
Jose Abreu – 3-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “We’ve shifted our focus to fantasy football. Good luck in your (fill-in other sport) league!”
Maikel Franco – Was ready to go before the rainout. He missed a week, due to bone bruise in his wrist, but I guess he’s fine. Unlike the Phils’ field early yesterday. Did you hear about what was going on in Philly yesterday? They brought in wheelbarrows of blowtorches and propane tanks to burn the water out of the grass. I am not joking. They should’ve got noted mouth-breather and sufferer of halitosis, Gabe Kapler, to close-talk to the field.