I’m being honest here when I say I don’t think you can stop Gary Sanchez. Someone needs some breaking pitches and chloroform. It’s a sequel, The Sanchize II: Homers > Butt Fumbles. Trivia: Gary, Indiana is the birthplace of the Jacksons; Gary Sanchez is a Thriller that Ben making balls Beat It, since Imma sing on a song that Michael sung. Yesterday, Chez Gary went 2-for-3 with his 9th homer in only his 19th game, as he hits .389. He has 9 homers in 19 games. Now is when you cackle deliriously. Paranoid cause you’re a son like Elroy. You’d be happy as hell if Sanchez was the real deal. Please, tell me it’s not Maas appeal. He had 10 homers in 71 games in Triple-A, so I’m all for the hype, but thinking he’s going to be a top 3 catcher in 2017 might be a bit much due to three weeks of play. There’s no leagues where I wouldn’t own him right now, even if that meant starting him at utility. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.11 vs. Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Yesterday, I set my Twitter location for Japan to see what people were tweeting about this game in Tokyo and I couldn’t understand one thing anyone was saying.
Nelson Cruz – Left yesterday’s game with back spasms, but it doesn’t sound serious, unless you say it with a very deep voice, then it sounds more ominous.
Tyler Glasnow – Taking his rehab to Triple-A. Next stop, the big time! Or shut down due to more shoulder discomfort. So many possibilities (really only two).
Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.55. Yesterday, I took the Ray Searage myth and debunked it. Debunked! Mythbuster, I am. I’m going to edit the Snopes page for Ray Searage and credit myself as the debunker. Where’s Eva Braun? In debunker! With that debunking in mind, let me say, “Look at Cole too!” Yeah, I don’t know what’s going on with Cole, but I’d guess injury or dead arm.
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. When Jordy goes long, he goes by Jordache.
Collin McHugh – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. I was thinking about how McHugh has been decent recently, so I looked up his stats. Yeah, he’s been awful. 6+ ERA in August going into yesterday’s game. 5.01 ERA on the year. Callin’ McAwful!
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. I know, he hasn’t been great for power over the last month, but he’s the type of player that can hit 7-10 homers in the final month.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer. *screaming over howling winds* “Did you turn the AC on too high?” “No, it’s a Torenado!”
Tyler Anderson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.69 (meow). Last time I was taken with Anderson like my Liam Nessons, he threw two duds back-to-back, so I’m going to temper my expectations like my tempura’d shrimp.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homers, hitting .317. Too bad they have an asterisk! Kidding, there’s no asterisk. He’s totally clean now. *stares straight ahead trying not to blink* Totally, completely clean.
Zach Davies – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.06. He’s had neutral luck, around a 7 K/9, terrible park, not a great team, but he’s a dog lover and a fighter for social justice. I’d rely on Stream-o-Nator for him.
Orlando Arcia – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. He’s hitting .176, and if there’s a heavenly spirit that appreciates sleepers, he’ll leave Arcia’s average in the gnarly range this year.
Trevor Bauer – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. He did appear to give up 5 ER, but there was an error, causing a small stutter of the heart and a ticker shock. By the way, Indians’ pitchers aren’t just getting hit by the A’s; they’re getting hit by the A’s. Okay, same, same, but I emphasized it more the 2nd time I said it.
Kendall Graveman – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. What a bleh start. Pretty neutered, just like a Kendall.
Jon Niese – Will have knee surgery. The doctor said, “The proboscis is bad.” Niese corrected him, “You mean, prognosis.” The doctor said, “Yes, that’s exactly what I meant,” then stifled laughter. Robert Gsellman will take Niese’s spot in the rotation, which is like putting a round peg in a very hook-like hole. Gsellman had a 4.50+ ERA in the minors, so I’d wait and see there.
Jacob deGrom – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.96. On the bright side, he hasn’t revealed a torn elbow tendon. Yet.
Carlos Martinez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.13. That was with only 97 pitches. Of course, that wasn’t the Mets’ A lineup. Okay, they don’t really have an A lineup, but Jay Bruce left the game early with an injury. Okay, okay, Bruce has been awful lately, so him leaving early might’ve been a plus for the Mets. But Neil Walker was out of the lineup. He’s been good (for six weeks this year spread out over the season).
Stephen Piscotty – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .279. Piscotty doesn’t know how bad I want him to get to 25 homers. Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-3 and his 17th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, and third homer in the last five games, and fourth homer in the last eight games, and the hottest schmotato in the land.
Mike Trout – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .312. I wrote a little ditty for Trout, here it goes. Trout, can’t lift a rubber tree plant, but I have no leagues that have a category for Rubber Tree Lifting. And he’s got high hopes…
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Since May 1st, his ERA is 3.31 in 125 IP. Yup.
James Shields – 6 IP, 4 ER vs. the Phils. Still people were asking if they should start him yesterday. He has a 5.98 ERA and 1.61 WHIP. Not just on the White Sox, it’s worst there. No, these are his season long numbers. C’mon. Let him ride into the sunset with Matt Cain and Jake Peavy.
Cesar Hernandez – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. Has three homers in the last week, and hitting over .350. Hot schmotato alert!
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .254. He’s on pace for 40 homers, if the season were to go into December or if the Phils just didn’t play Howard all year.
Andrew Benintendi – Left yesterday’s game with a knee sprain. It didn’t look good, and there’s a chance here for a DL stint. Shame, I’m sure he didn’t intendi for it to happen.
Rick Porcello – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks. He gets the Rays again next time out, though at home. His ERA at home this year is 2.96. Amazing, but what did you think it was going to be? His ERA in totes is 3.23.
Trea Turner – 4-for-4, 1 run, hitting .338. Treat Urner may sound like something in your grandma’s purse, but his candy isn’t hard to unwrap, so go home, Marc Summers.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.99. His next start is a make or break for me. There’s not enough time left in the season to see if he’s entering a prolonged slump. He’ll get the Phils next start, and if that isn’t purdy, we’re gonna need to reevaluate.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .347. As odd it is to say rooting for a Cubs player is rooting for a favorite, when they haven’t won a World Series since suffrage, but I’m kinda pulling for the underdog in the MVP race, and would like to see Murphy pull it out. Plus, let this schmohawk be more overrated next year.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .245. That’s his highest homer output since 2013. I don’t want to get a hot poker in my eye, but when Wieters came up, he was more hyped than Gary Sanchez.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.15, as he was activated from the DL. Aw, he’s trying his best to pass through waivers and still get traded, how cute.
Adonis Garcia – Hit his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and 5th time I’ve mentioned him in the last three days. Yeah, I like him.
Paul Goldschmidt – Slam (20) and legs (20). Au Shizz!
Jake Lamb – Hit his 25th homer. He’s bahhhhhhhk!
Enrique Burgos – 0 IP, 4 ER. Has he not given up any runs in a game this year? Trick question, yes, he has in games where he didn’t pitch.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.09, as he finally returned from the DL. Throwing out the ceremonial first pitch was a spokesman from Blistex.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Only blemish was a homer to Justin Turner (2-for-3, 24th homer), which caused the Blistex spokesman that was in attendance to text his buddy at Stridex. “Ur needed, blemish alert.”
Paul Clemens – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Oh my God, the Padres have such little faith in their fans they’re pulling the oldest trick in the book! They’re rolling out there guys that sound like great players. Who are they going to sign next right fielder, Gabe Ruth?
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Doode, you can’t have a 2.19 ERA, shut down the Rockies in Coors and then give up two runs in Petco due to Detlef Schimpf. You can’t. I know, I’m being hard on you, but at least I’m not forcing you to watch Tough Love with Cornelius Floyd. On the plane yesterday, I was watching MLB Network, for, perhaps, the first time. Oy, what a terrible station. It’s like they want to be informative and fair with players, but they also are the league, so they can’t be disparaging in any way. It would be like the Koch Brothers being tough on Trump. You can’t pretend to stick it to the man when you are the man.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .270. Snooze! What did Gary Sanchez do again?!
Hector Rondon – Played catch yesterday. Me too! I was like, “Yo, moms, where’s the remote control?” And she was like, “Here, you jackass.” And tossed it to me, which I caught. Grey’s afternoon recap!
Byung Ho Park – Will have wrist surgery. Byung must keep his Ho Park hand strong.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, and his 30th homer, hitting .270. He hit 28 homers in 2015. Headed for 30+ this year. Next year, I finally trust him and he hits 12 homers. Inevitable, right?
Matt Boyd – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.98, and his third straight Quality Start. Okay, enough fooling on Boyd, and time to look at his stats. *looks* Um, yeah, he’s not fooling anyone. His 4.66 xFIP would be in the bottom 15 of the league if he qualified. He’s had a good run, but I’m not buying.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, hitting .313. Was a triple short of the cycle. In a parallel universe, there’s a Ciguel Mabrera that ate a triple cheeseburger while cycling. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.
Justin Upton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .236. A couple takes a vow of celibacy until they’re married. After three long years, they get married and have sex. The woman doesn’t like it, the man doesn’t think it’s right either. But they occasionally have terrible sex. That’s what the season has been like owning Upton. Occasional moments of pleasure mixed into anguish.
Jose Fernandez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.91, but left the game clutching his calf, even though the sign read, “Please only pet the zoo animals!” Jo-Fer claimed the calf issue was a cramp, and should be fine after a Midol.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.91. Darvish also pitchslapped Adleman, who sounds like an accountant for a frat house. “Adleman, you can’t write off Jell-o shots.” “You can if you’re doing research paper on Bill Cosby.” As for Darvish, he’s been terrific, but I have no problem complaining about anyone, so it sure would be nice if he won a few more games. I’m in some hotly contested fantasy matchups. True story, “hotly contested fantasy matchups” were much more exciting at Spring Break in college.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Mazara sure hasn’t lived up to the backwards Ramon name thus far, but I bet he’s going to be a popular sleeper next year.
Ian Desmond – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (21) and legs (19), hitting .290. He’s so obviously going to be overrated next year that you would almost think people will underrate him, but, no, there will be people who barely paid attention to the 2nd half this year and go Puig wild for Desmond.
Zack Cozart – Remained sidelined. He said, “My ankle is starting to feel–” Then reporters interrupted him to interview Peraza.
Jonathan Papelbon – Red Sox are still waiting over a week to hear his decision. I’d like to put my life savings ($27 in nickels) on a bet that this is the exact scenario that happened. “Papelbon, we want you to come here and help our club.” “I wanna close.” “Well, Paps, we kinda have two, three *mumbling numbers to himself* five guys that are better than you.” “I wanna close.” Hence, the impasse.