The sun rising at dawn as two towheaded surfers paddle out on their longboards. One surfer, Rob, wears a business suit and sunglasses. The other surfer looks like Tony Hawk’s wet brother. Tony Hawk’s wet brother asks, “Why the business threads, my brosef?” “I’m the commissioner of baseball and could be called into action at any time.” “Whoa, right on.” Rob points at the ocean, cascading out in front of them, “You see this Tony Hawk’s Wet Brother? This water as far as the eye can see?” “I do, my brosef.” “This is juice that I will be stuffing into baseballs.” “Whoa, right on.” And that’s Our Commissioner Manfred surfing in the morning sun. Yesterday, was another day for the long ball bizzonkers led by the Diamondbacks. Leading off literally and, well, literally, Jarrod Dyson went 2-for-4 and hit his 4th homer. Inner monologue, “You know you want to compare how many home runs Dyson has to David Dahl. You know you want to do it, so do it. Come on. Compare them.” Dyson’s having a nice year. “A nice year compared to who? Say it!” Hopefully, Dyson keeps it up. “You are the lamest!” Next up literally and literally, Ketel Marte went 3-for-5, 2 runs and hit his 16th homer. “I dare you to compare Marte to David Dahl!” Shut up, Inner Monologue! I hate you! Next up literally and literally, David Peralta went 1-for-4 and hit his 9th homer, as they started the game Dback-to-back-to-back. Four home runs is most home runs ever hit in a row. That record is in jeopardy this year in every inning. Then not literally, Ildemaro Vargas went 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and hit two homers (3, 4). I have a hard time suggesting him because names starting with Il confuse my pea brain. You Il Duce? No? Then goodbye! Finally and literally, Eduardo Escobar went 4-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and hit his 16th and 17th homer, hitting .299. Gabe Kapler said to the opposing pitcher, Jer-khoff, “Don’t blow this,” and Escobar screamed, “Did someone say blow?!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jean Segura – 1-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (6) and legs (4). Has started a bit slow, but he’s hitting 3rd between Harper and Hoskins in a stacked lineup and the weather is just warming, i.e., you think you’ve seen a lot of home runs up until this point? Hold onto your hat. Nice ten-gallon foam hat, by the way.
Scott Kingery – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 5th and 6th homers, hitting .324. So, what you’re saying is the ball is flying out of Citizens Flank? Cool, good to know. Of course, I’d own Kingery as I’ve said about three dozen times in the last two weeks.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will return today from the paternity list. The maternity ward is everyone player’s 1st hot stove and #hugwatch. You: *mind blown*
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .265. Benintendi’s been a bit bleh so far this year, but his track record is longer than Prefontaine’s and I’d still be buying low if the opportunity presented itself. *Opportunity opens trench coat* Hey now! Opportunity, you dirty dog.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.52. And you were worried about Chris Sale in April. Silly, silly, you. You were supposed to be worried about him in August and September. I’m not kidding. His 2nd halves are not the things of unicorns, rainbows and healthy pitching arms.
Matt Barnes – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.76. Okay, the Ks are nice, but. At. What. *shakes fist at heavens* COST! I think I’m done with Barnes, I can’t handle this shizzshow anymore, and he’s nailed down one save in like a month. I liked your sister, Priscilla, but I’m not liking you, Matt.
Mike Minor – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Not only is Minor pitching the best he’s ever pitched as a starter in his career, but he’s arrived at the point where I could see starting him everywhere, even in a start like yesterday’s in Fenway. Would I have said that prior to the start? No, the cliche is not foresight is 20/20, it’s hindsight’s 20/20 and Tommy Pham is always projected for 20/17. The more I see Mike Minor on other teams and German Marquez on my teams though…well…I might need a protective cup to avoid a Haniger-like injury.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.63. He’s alive! Dot dot dot. Maybe. He was facing the Marlins, which is less murderers’ row and more murmurers’ row. The Streamonator hates his next start, and I don’t disagree, but I will now cyclops him vs. just disregarding like trash.
Sandy Alcantara – 5 IP, 1 ER (3 unearned runs), 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.67. That ticker shock got me. For doing that to me, Sandy, you don’t deserve Danny’s love or any more Summer Nights. Meh, I’m just playing hard to get, gimme more gimme more, did she put up a fight? Whoa! In the MeToo era, that sounds over the line. We need to cancel Grease.
Tanner Anderson – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks after being called up by the A’s for a spot start. Going against him: a 6 K/9 and 4+ BB/9 in the minors. Going for him: The Pirates gave up on him.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Damn, Morton’s speaking from the butter pulpit over here! Then he was relieved with more butter by Poche. Though, I do miss Itchy and Scratchy.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in four games, hitting near-.300 in the last week. Am I saying this to try to jinx him into getting hurt? *blurting out* Yes! Are you happy?
Trea Turner – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I don’t want to kick a gift Treat Urner in the mouthpiece, but I’d take four steals over another homer. I have homers, I need steals!
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.92. The one K says everything doesn’t it? Or rather the absence of more Ks. It’s the void. The longing. The unrequited–Okay, just reading Hallmark cards now.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks in his first start, and his career ERA is near-5. So, no, don’t trust Idriselba Despaigne outside of The Wire or Luther.
German Marquez – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Yay, home starts in Coors. We decided it was YOLO to start German at home, but now I’m reading Many Lives, Many Masters and reevaluating.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. I can’t believe I just won Powerball! This is incredible! Allow me to rest my winning ticket irresponsibly on this open window sill–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Surprised Chazz Blackmonteri took until getting back to Coors to start doing damage. I’m being sarcastic. Effin’ of Coors.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. HR to the Izzo!
David Bote – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last six games and hitting near-.350 in that time. Do I see a hot *pinkie to mouth* Bote-tato?
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Start everyone in Coors always. SEICA!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.36. He’s pitching like a throwback to a bygone era when balls weren’t juiced. Like way back in 2017.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Kole shine bright on the diamond, song and lyrics by Rihanna.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Damn, this guy is almost as good as that La Stella fella.
Kevin Gausman – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.21. If there ever was a guy in need of an Ineffective List stint, it’s Gausman. Luckily, he’s about to get draped over by a big, sweaty beard like he’s in the famous Castro bar, The Manhole. On a serious note, you really have to wonder why all this time Gausman’s been in the rotation and Sean Newcomb (4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.59) hasn’t. Are managers just dumb? Cause sometimes I feel like I lean on that too much as the answer to everything.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 4th homer in six games. Tildaddy says you are excused!
Nick Markakis – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .276. Sparkakis!
Ozzie Albies – 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .269. Sports Contracts dot com reports Albies made $7.76 between homers!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. As he proclaimed, “I am Freeman, and now you are free too, ball.” Get a load of the self-righteousness with this guy!
Starling Marte – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer, hitting .289. It’s a Marte party! Congrats to the three of you that get that reference. You’re watching too much of the Cooking Channel for someone who has mastered undercooked and over-promised.
Joe Musgrove – Ejected after 2/3 of an inning for barely grazing Donaldson’s jersey, through no small part of Donaldson Hulk-smashing common sense and screaming for his teammates to hold him back. Then, the Ump Show went into effect and everyone got tossed. Complained about this in the past, but it was a short schedule, so prepare your eyeballs to hear me b & m. Can’t hear with your eyeballs? Too bad! This is such a crock of crap to eject players for little to no reason. Imagine you take a half day from work, round up the little sh*theads you call kids and head to the park. After $300 for tickets, $30 for parking, $150 for food and $200 for souvenirs, your kid just wants to see his favorite player, Joe Musgrove. Then, seven pitches into the game, he’s tossed. Sure, Josh Donaldson put Joe Musgrove’s ass in the jackpot, but all jackpotted asses need to be tossed? This is ridiculous. Okay, maybe no one’s favorite player is Musgrove, but people paid to see a bullpen game? An ump show? This is stupid. Bring on robot umps! (Yes, I’m hoping to be spared from the coming robot apocalypse.)