Tolleson had his cookies tossed for the last time on Tuesday. Or maybe Shawn Tolleson caused his owners’ cookies to be tossed? Sounds too passive, said Flesch-Kincaid, but you get the idea. By the by, why is tossing food so gross? Tossing one’s cookies should be a glorious thing. Who doesn’t want cookies tossed at them? Please toss your cookies into my mouth! Then there’s tossing salad? That sounds healthy and like a spring morn. Why is tossing salad so bad? I’d love a salad tossing and a jog around the Maypole! Any hoo! There’s no more Tolleson, and Sam Dyson will step in as the Rangers closer. Glad to see Rangers manager, Jeff Banister, finally react. Though, it took a long time since Tolleson’s ERA is over nine. Banister’s reflexes are so slow Bautista could’ve snuck in a punch on him. Maybe they should’ve let Odor punch Tolleson’s card. He would’ve been out on April 4th. “You’re done!” “That was one pitch.” “I don’t care, now I will punch you.” Sam Dyson should be owned in all leagues. Will Tolleson regain the role? Maybe, if Dyson gets injured, but it seems highly unlikely otherwise and can be dropped in most leagues. Hey, Tolleson, don’t let the door hit you, where Odor split your lip. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Henderson Alvarez – His shoulder MRI was inconclusive. In fairness to the MRI, that same MRI was used on Garrett Richards and then ignored, so the MRI was kinda annoyed.
Jed Lowrie – On track to return on May 25th. Hopefully Zola Budd isn’t behind him. #neverforget
Khris Davis – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Because I’m turning Smurf talking superlatives about Khris Davis, let’s go back to what February Grey said, “I’m shocked I haven’t done a sleeper post for Khris Davis. I guess I should say, “I haven’t done a Khris Davis sleeper post yet,” because it’ll be coming. I mean I have to imagine it will. He hit 27 homers in 121 games last year and only six players hit homers on average for a longer distance.” And that’s me quoting me wrongly predicting a sleeper post!
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Of the 18 outs Hill got, only five were in the air. Rich Hill’s Sniglet of the Day is Ballsonthegroundswell.
Danny Valencia – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .357. Danny Valencia and Khris Davis are vying for a Moneyball sequel, “-Vis a V, Air Go The Ball.”
Carson Smith – Recovering slowly from outings and could head back the DL. I noticed he wasn’t relieving more than a game a week and dropped him in the one league I owned him in. You need middle relievers that pitch effectively and often. That’s the Grey Albright Pro-Tip of the Day, trademark, acronym and hashtag pending.
Steven Wright – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.52. He reminds me so much of the great seasons that Tim Wakefield put up. It’s not just because of the knuckler and the Red Sox, but due to…Actually, those are the reasons. I lied initially.
David Price – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.53. This game came against the Royals, so you know what that means? When Price faces the Royals in the playoffs, it’s going to be even more surprising. But he pitched well in May!
Christian Vazquez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. Don’t even bother. I tried him for a few days in one league and the Red Sox go to Ryan Hanigan way too much.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-7 and his 7th homer as he stays insanely hot. JBJ will fight for civil rights as portrayed by Bryan Cranston and will be a viable third outfielder as declared by Big Magoo.
Mike Moustakas – Beginning rehab in Double-A Northwest Arkansas and should return on Saturday. In related news, Northwest Arkansas welcomed it’s first Greek person. “Sou-vodka?” “No, souvlaki.” “I’ve never drank souvlaki either.” “You don’t drink it, Cletus, you eat it.”
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Okay, now he’s one home run above his pace from last year! Take that last season!
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-8, 2 runs and two steals (9, 10). Steals are partially due to running on the knuckler, but Escobar is hitting leadoff for a solid offensive team (in theory, the Royals haven’t been great so far this year), and could steal 30 bases on the year.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.95. This start came in Camden — Came-den? — and he should’ve likely been benched in fantasy because it was a tough matchup, but I was hoping Walker would show he’s on some next level shizz. Turned out, he’s on same level shizz. It’s a good level, but it’s not next level.
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. He was a hot schmotato last week, then he cooled off, now he might be getting hot again. …and so went the days of our schmotatoes.
Matt Wieters – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Well, you knew he’d get to three homers eventually. I mean, Keith Law did say he was a once-in-a-lifetime bat! Perhaps he meant the life of a fruit fly that was born right before Wieters hit the homer and died right after he rounded the bases.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Okay, but since I told you to sell him his average has dropped from .340 to .304.
Chris Tillman – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, ERA at 2.61. Mean’s while, Dallas Keuchel’s ERA is over-5. Oopsie-doopsie.
Jose Reyes – Will report to the Rockies spring training facility and await a trade, I mean, wait to play games on May 31st. If I were his wife, I’d own Trevor Story in fantasy and flaunt it in his face.
Adam Wainwright – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.92. Yesterday, there was a lot of consternation (prolly wrong word) about the Stream-o-Nator suggesting people start Wainwright. Shorthand: Rockies are not good away from Coors. Further reading, see Corey Dickerson.
Tom Koehler – 7 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.71 vs. Jeremy Hellickson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Solid starts from two unsung performers. Did I say unsung? I meant, serious dung. My bad!
Odubel Herrera – Sat out yesterday with back discomfort. He seems unconcerned about it. Though, he looks unconcerned about everything. Dude, you just see Medusa?
Tyler Goeddel – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Goeddel, who only sounds like he’d be talking about a master race, wasn’t playing at all for the first six weeks, then suddenly he began to play every day and hit. Hard to get super enthused on a Phillie, but he’s hitting over .350 in the last week and has three hits in two of the past three games.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 16th save. Random Prediction Alert! He’ll be fine until July, go to the All-Star Game and give up runs in relief and then never be the same. The syndrome known colloquially as, Atlee Hammaker-osis.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-5 and his 8th homer. Hey, it’s Chris Shelton! Where you been Chris Shelton? Say hello to you mother for me.
Jason Castro – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 3rd homer as he continues to catch. I wonder if Gattis got his (almost rhyme!) catcher’s mitt down to the minors and the Astros were like, “Holy schnikeballs, this guy can’t catch a bus, forget about a pitcher,” and they’re just not saying anything because teams lie all the time.
Luke Gregerson – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. The Astros are like the Mean Girls with the word fetch. They really want Gregerson to be the closer. With this save, his leash goes out a bit and fetch can still be a thing.
Tony Kemp – 2-for-3 as Colin Moran (0-for-3) was the DH. I think Kemp, Moran and Tyler White as like those bags of sand in the Indiana Jones movie that he moves into place to avoid triggering the alarm. One of these days, the Astros will just miss getting a bag of sand in place and A.J. Reed will emerge.
Mat Latos – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.00. Latos was beat by a Fister (6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.22) and I think that might’ve been singlehandedly the reason Dallas Latos quit Twitter.
Jumbo Diaz – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he was recalled from the minors. When he reentered the Reds bullpen, he screamed “Jumbo pimp!” and then sought high fives. He could quickly become the Reds closer because the other guys they have are garbage that is sitting in the dumpster for six years repeatedly being defecated on by homeless people. Although, Jumbo allowed a run yesterday without giving up a hit. Finding new ways to suck!
Tony Cingrani – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, and third blown save. There should be police caution tape around the Reds bullpen.
Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 7th and 8th homers, hitting .290. Someone asked yesterday if they should sell Bruce high. Since he’s really a .225 hitter, and he started well last year only to take a nosedive in the 2nd half, the answer is yes. Sell, if you can. Though, outside of housewives in Jersey, I don’t know who Bruce appeals to.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Damn, he makes me want to go to the Red Sea and take pictures of the Suez Canal only to photoshop the name to Suarez. That’s pure excitement.
Michael Brantley – Terry Francona said Brantley has no timetable. Is that the saddest news ever for a player? They can’t even decide how long he’ll be out. It’s like being told by a girl, “I don’t know when I’m going to want to have sex again.” Do you just go out and find someone else? Do you let her sit in your DL slot while you send her funny eCards? Do you take her picture and your picture and make a JibJab with them? Do you just drop her? What do you do?!
Rajai Davis – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (3, 4) and legs (9) and now hitting around .700 in the last three days. Mediocre Reds pitching is partially to blame, but Rajai is one smoking hot schmotato.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. After he crosses home plate, he should do a Lindor Truffle Shuffle, which isn’t like Chunk’s Truffle Shuffle, but instead it’s him miming carefully trying to remove that freakin’ impossible-to-remove foil on Lindor truffles.
Mike Clevinger – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Clevinger streamer! Yeah, he’s looked solid in the minors (9+ K/9), but wild (4+ BB/9) and old for never having major league experience, and will likely be bumped from the rotation when Carrasco returns. Though, his sister should marry Steve Clevenger’s sister just to confuse people into thinking they’re inbreeding.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31 vs. Jimmy Nelson 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Lackey vs. Nelson is like the UFC fight of Safe vs. Risky. Yesterday, Risky took the win, but Safe will be able to go home to see the wife and kids while Risky will crawl up into a ball in a motel, wondering how it all became hookers and coke. Risky’s got the life!
Tyler Flowers – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. My team with the most catcher homers is a team where I drafted Mesoraco and d’Arnaud, only to lose them and end up with Casali and Flowers. Holy puntburgers!
Julio Teheran – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.73. He’s pitching like he knows he’s going to be shipped out of the country by Trump for having a Muslim-y last name. Teheran #1! Though, not really. He’s fine if the Stream-o-Nator is feeling it, but I wouldn’t own him in most leagues.
Jung-ho Kang – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer in only ten games played. Too bad he missed the first month or he would’ve challenged Barry Bonds’ homer record.
Bartolo Colon – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER. It came out yesterday that Colon has been living two lives with two different women with two different families. How the NY Post didn’t use the headline, Big Love, I will never know.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. No one tell Yoenis that he’s no longer in a contract year.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.86. Treat the demons just like Pam, I mean, I’d mess with your friends, but damn Gio. Of course, he’s not a sub-2 ERA pitcher, but no one thinks that, so what happens when a guy is pitching that far above his head? Just ride it out and hope the ultralight beam lasts forever.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 5th steal. Two hits? In one game?! Glory be the Dusty! Glory be the Dusty! It’s a miracle!
Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 Hit, Zero Walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.44. I’d be very interested in Eovaldi if he were traded to the NL West. Very, very. Now? Not so very.
Shelby Miller – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.64. Damn, would’ve been fun if his ERA was 6.66 and GM Dave Stewart thought he was the devil.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.96. Someone should motion to James Shields that what Pomeranz is doing is what pitchers in Petco do. Just a motion, no need for a nudge.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Trying day yesterday in San Diego for the Gangly Manbird. San Diego Zoo tried to capture him and bring him back ‘home,’ but Posey saved him which was preceded by lots of hijinks.
Johnny Cueto – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.70. Um, yeah, Padres.
Devon Travis – Moved his rehab to Triple-A. Ugh, packing and unpacking a suitcase? That sounds awful! Though, it’s good for his eventual arrival in Toronto within the next few days.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week with two homers. This happens from time to time, but I’m kinda over Saunders. I mean, he’s been fine, but you know he’s gonna go cold and get benched. Damn, I sound defeated. Get it together, Fantasy Master Lothario!
Alex Colome – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10th save, ERA at 1.56. Surprised at how emphatically Kevin Cash said the Rays are going right back to Boxberger when he returns, but it must be getting dictated from above to see if Boxberger can generate trade value and then they go back to Colome. I don’t know, just weird I’m tellin’ ya.
Desmond Jennings – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Now has two homers in his past two games played. Hot schmotato alert!
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and he’s been hitting .375 in the last week with two homers. Too many schmotatoes, too little interest in the Rays. If I had to choose one schmo from the Rays, I’d go Kiermaier. Begrudgingly.
Logan Morrison – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer, hitting .170. Glad to see he’s no longer hitting 2nd in the order. Now he’s hitting fifth. *tries to hold in a laugh, accidentally poops self* Aw, man, I thought that was only holding in sneezes.
Mike Trout – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 9th homer. Who is this? Trout? Bleh. He’s so 2015!
Rafael Ortega – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal, hitting .321. Due to Nava returning Ortega was pushed out, but due to Nava being nada, Ortega is back and worth an AL-Only look.
Nicholas Tropeano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Real talk: I see Tropeano and I like his stats and I want to pick him up, yet, I never do.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 4th in as many games. Kid Dish making all the boys go syna-gaga!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .350. He leads the AL in batting average. Cust kayin’. Or rather, Cast (not) kayin’.
Cameron Maybin – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal, and 3rd steal in as many games. The way he’s going he’ll have 20 steals in his first two weeks and pull a hammy by June 1st. Still, I’d grab him in a non-sexual way.
Justin Verlander – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.58. Now has three straight Quality Starts, which came right after a Quality Shart. But tomato-tomah-whatever, he gets the Phils next.
Victor Martinez – Didn’t start yesterday due to a head cold. At his age, that could quickly become pneumonia. My prayers are with him. Though, my prayers begin, “The Father, the Son and the holy smokes!”
Shane Greene – Will begin rehab on Friday in Low-A West Michigan. He’s recovering from a blister on his hand that is coincidentally located right where people point on their hand for West Michigan.
