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Usually I take Saturday pretty light. Wash my hair, get a pedicure, the normal things, but holy schnikes?! Corbin Burnes did what? Mr. Burnes made a vest out of Cleveland. That’s what he did. On Saturday, Burnes went 8 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.25, and Josh Hader (1 IP, 0 ER) finished the no-hitter. Can a guy win the Cy Young off of one start? We have a tool for the best starts of the year, and are you surprised to see Burnes in the top four? (Side note, interesting to see Triston McKenzie up there in the top 10. Side side note, lots of early in the year starts before they checked for Spider Tack. Side side side note, it was also before pitchers were exhausted. Side side side side, look at all those no-hitters.) As far as FIP is concerned, Corbin Burnes is having the best season since 2000. It’s not even close. It’s truly remarkable and if we talk about it from now until next March, we will not have talked about it enough. His 1.50 FIP is the best pitching season for a starter since 2000. The 2nd best is 2014 Clayton Kershaw with 1.81 FIP, and there’s only three starters below a 2.00 FIP. Of those, Corbin Burnes has the best K/9, and the 9th best K/9 since 2000. There’s no starter with a 12+ K/9 with a sub-2 FIP. His K/9 and BB/9 are 12.4 and 1.7 BB/9. Those Burnes numbers are legitimately some of the best I’ve ever seen. Let’s do a thought experiment: With deGrom injured-slash-saying-he’s-not-injured, there’s a table for one at the top of starters for 2022, does Corbin Burnes sneak into the number one slot for top starters for 2022 fantasy baseball? Even if deGrom’s healthy, I’m not sure he’s above Burnes for 2022 starters. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rowdy Tellez – Hit the IL with a patella strain. He hurt his knee “moving upright on his legs.”

Eric Lauer – 5 1/3 IP, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Okay, a few things here. A) The Guardians do absolutely suck. B) Guardians can suck and Lauer (and Burnes) can be good. C) There’s no C.

Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, and three homers in the last four games. Solid season from Garcia overall. Avisail hasn’t had this much play since he tagged along as a third wheel to the movies with Prince Fielder and his wife.

Kolten Wong – 3-for-5, and his 12th and 13th homer. Wong went long gone dong dong . Alliteration in lieu of wit!

Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.45. Cleveland’s been no-hit three times this year for the first time in history, and all three times Plesac was the opposing pitcher. So, if Plesac didn’t pitch this year, Cleveland’s hitting would’ve been solid.

Aaron Civale – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.76. Member when he was activated last week and I said another site was telling you that Civale is a must-start, and I was like, “Um, what?” Hope you listened to “Um, what?”

Elieser Hernandez – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.14.  Streamonator loves Elieser’s next start, but at this point everyone comes with risk due to innings. Elieser should be able to throw more innings than most, so he’s not as bad as some other arms.

Jesus Sanchez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 3rd homer in the last three games. Love him for keepers-slash-dynasty-slash-axl, but for this year –> hot schmotato alert!

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in his last two starts. The “starts” there is key because he hasn’t started in four games.

Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.50, as he was activated from the IL. When a workhorse like Lynn only throws 70 pitches for an “old school manager” like Lol Russa, we’re gonna see all four-inning starters in the playoffs or no?

Dylan Cease – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.22. Can the White Sox just go to the KBO, sign Dan Straily and let him pitch the remaining 18 games for them? Is that legal? Imagine something like that? “To save all their arms for the playoffs,” ESPN reports, “The White Sox have signed Manny Ramirez, the ex-Red Sox great, to pitch.” I would totally do that once I clinched.

Connor Seabold – 3 IP, 2 ER, as he was called up. Seabold is a rookie pitcher for the Red Sox or a character from a Herman Wouk novel. Wait, is Tanner Houck really Herman Wouk? *thinks for three hours* No, I don’t think he is. Seabold was acquired in the Workman trade, which really highlights how goofy it is trading a rookie arm for a reliever rental. Oh, and that was in 2020, which was a goofy season. Not that there’s much with Seabold — he didn’t even make Itch’s preseason top 10 Red Sox fantasy prospects. Seabold looks like a 7-ish K/9, low-3 BB/9, which makes me Sea-bleh.

Garrett Whitlock – 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.92. This is silly to say, but Whitlock doesn’t seem to excel in high-pressure situations. Though, same could be said of Hansel Robles, Adam Ottavino or anyone the Red Sox have tried in the last month-plus at closer.

Wander Franco – Hit the IL with a strained hamstring. *screaming at my hamstring* Do you know Wander’s hamstring?! Tell it to heal faster! *thinks for a moment, then* Make sure you spell heal so it doesn’t think I’m talking about his foot.

Nick Anderson – Was activated from the IL. He’s been out with a partially torn UCL, so I would keep an IL spot warm for him. Maybe put some hot cocoa in the IL slot? Something like that.

Brett Phillips – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (11) and legs (14). Saw Phillips on waivers for a batty call, and a lightbulb flashed above my head to go with Randal Grichuk. Stupid light bulb!

Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer. Without any actual information to back this up, I’m gonna say this was Jeimer’s most exciting game in his career.

Casey Mize – 2 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.65. Manny Ramirez could’ve done that!

Jarred Kelenic – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. No idea where he’s going next year in drafts, but I’m betting it will be way too late and I’m gonna be in on him.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .293. Absolutely has been way better than I expected. Do you smell a “but?” Yeah, because I’m gonna fart out some nonsense. On the Player Rater, Tucker is around a top 30 guy, but doesn’t it feel like this year top hitters and pitchers haven’t been that great? The ceiling feels lower all around.

Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. I understand feeling like you can’t trust Mondesi to stay on the field, but, while he’s healthy, it makes zero sense to bat him sixth. You have him now; use him properly.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. In an auction, I won the actual feather Yankee Doodle Dandy put in his cap. It’s my prized possession and I call it macaroni. C’mon, I’ll show you, I haphazardly put it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

J.A. Happ – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Streamonator sees Happ’s next start and laughs derisively.

Garrett Hampson – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer. The most remarkable part of this is Bud Black didn’t replace him after his first homer.

Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.98. Streamonator came through big time on that start, and it loves his next start too. Pushing our luck for the no whammy!

Lane Thomas – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. What’s kinda funny is the only thing Thomas has going for him is he’s an “ex-Cards player.”

Luis Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Like Garcia in the big picture, but to misquote Michelangelo, there’s no time for the big picture. Garcia could be a hot schmotato though.

Chris Paddack – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.07. In my heart of hearts, which is a small heart I have inside my other heart, I believe there’s been more 4 2/3 IP games this year than any other year in history. You can’t tell me different.

Jake Cronenworth – Fractured his ring finger. Ah, same. After I got married, I put my wedding ring on, then put my ring finger in a car door frame and slammed the car door on my finger repeatedly. Padres are saying Cronenworth can be back in ten days and I say, “Why lie?”

Blake Snell – Left his start with adductor tightness. So, he’s a mollusk now? That might put a damper on him for this year, but check out Coolwhip’s latest Blake Snell 2022 fantasy.

Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.17, as he notched his 3,000th strikeout the same game where he threw an immaculate inning (2nd). He’s the 2nd fastest to 3,000 strikeouts, only lagging Randy Johnson — (404 career games vs. 362). Elias Sports Bureau added Scherzer is the 1st starter to do it while wearing one different colored contact. Scherzer is a top ten starter of all-time or no? And, if no, why are you saying the wrong thing?

Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Mookie Best!

Justin Turner – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .273. He’s hitting over hundred points higher than the platoon player, Cody Bellinger. Haha, kill me.

Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 15th, 16th and 17th homer. Big night, but it’s hard to ignore how awful he’s been this year. Before last night’s game, he was valued at $2.3 on the Player Rater. Pablo Lopez was valued at almost twice that ($4.3) and hasn’t pitched since July 11th. Gleyber Torres, who also homered last night, his 7th, was at -$2.5. So, in a preseason draft, if you got Lindor and Gleyber for free, then that was a push on value (prior to last night).

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. There was some drama in the Yankees-Mets game yesterday. Mets players accused the Yankees of whistling on Saturday, tipping off the batter of a Taijuan Walker pitch. Then Lindor homered on Sunday, and whistled mockingly at Yankees players as he rounded the bases. Finally, Giancarlo homered, and said something to Lindor as he rounded the bases and the benches emptied. This brings me to my concern, if I ever see Giancarlo in person, does this mean I can’t whistle at him? Will he take offense?

Ian Happ – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer. Since the trading deadline, it feel like he’s approaching 40 homers, right? Yeah, it’s too bad he had three months before the deadline when he hit .169, .133 and .132 and two months with one homer each month.

Cole Irvin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.04. Cole was a diamond, and fellow MediOAKer starter, James Kapreilian (3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.02) was coal. Check the Streamonator for both going forward. “Smart, concise advice without a lot of the fuss,” said the NY Times never about Razzball.

Taylor Hearn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.99. In North Jersey, they call this guy, “Pork Roll.” Streamonator‘s not going to like his next start, or maybe any of his starts. They are dangerous, but I grabbed Pork Roll in one deeper mixed league and am starting him until further notice. At least he’s throwing 5+ innings!

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-5 and his 28th homer. BBC’s own, Mountcastle, now live from Whitechapel as he jacks and/or rips homers.

Anthony Santander – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Saw recently that he was just barely above 50% rostered in leagues, and he should be near 95%.

Steven Matz – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.87. With the Jays up by a 100, Matz took sailing out to the W on the Ivictory Coast to the extreme.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-3, 5 runs, 7 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .283. Many of you watch Hard Knocks on HBO? I’ve mentioned in the past it’s my only knowledge of football — If you have fantasy football questions, click that link to summon the Donkey — and this season of Hard Knocks was the worst I’ve seen in a decade. Cool drone shot, everything else is like, “Is no one going to address Jerry Jones is clueless and everyone is just yes’ing him?” Any hoo! The Cowboys and their fans do this thing where they’re like “We’re gonna eat” and they mime eating. That’s the Jays’ offense. They’re gonna eat. Teoscar Hernandez (2-for-3, 4 runs, 5 RBIs, 27th homer) was eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. Is Vlad Jr. gonna eat? Oh, you know Cake Batter’s gonna eat (1-for-3, 3 runs, 44th homer). Ironically, even Lamb was eating (1-for-5, 2 runs, and his 7th homer).