As soon as you’re finished with this post, I want you to close your laptop, step outside and look at a bird in flight. Pick up a flower, breathe in its fragrance, sneeze from your allergies, wave to a neighbor and close your robe because you’re not just waving with your hand. How does that feel? Exhilarating? Then your dedication sucks! It should be a total bore. You should be more interested in whether or not I’m going to have a top 100 for the 2nd half of fantasy baseball tomorrow than what your significant other has been doing for the last three and a half months. Luckily, I will have a top 100 tomorrow, and your significant other can keep being your fantasy team. Okay, enough hubbub on the tomfoolery! Chris Sale broke his pinkie yesterday. Well, Aaron Hicks broke it, technically. If not for bad luck, Chris Sale would have no luck. I was minding my own business yesterday, watching the Yankees/Red Sox game when I heard the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life, a pubic hair commercial, then the 2nd thing worst thing was Sale’s pinkie going creeee-ack. Not sure how long this knocks him out, or how long I will be thinking about that pubic hair commercial, but they might be similar timeframes — the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his and 10 RBIs in the last two games.
Matt Carpenter can’t hit
*shaves facial hair into the most glorious mustache any man, woman or child has ever seen*
Matt Carpenter is the best hitter ever
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 16, 2022
Luis Severino – Expected to be shut down for two weeks. Oh, yeah, that’ll magically fix his shoulder.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Very nice of Joey Gallo to provide one highlight for Cashman to use when shopping him.
Tim Locastro – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and double legs (5, 6). This video in the tweet absolutely kills me. Awful baseball player acting should have its own Emmy category.
Tim Locastro homer gives an opportunity to show him in one of the best team-produced videos pic.twitter.com/i1SpsRJUF7
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 17, 2022
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.02. His ERA feels lower than 3. That would be a good stat: What an ERA seems like it should be and not based on any sorta facts. Call it Q-ERA.
Trevor Story – Hit the IL, but is illegible to come off it on Saturday, at which time someone will yell at him, “Oh, come off it!”
Jeter Downs – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st MLB home run, which he got in Yankee Stadium, as a Red Sox player, named after Derek Jeter, which should be illegal. You don’t see the Yankees with a Ted Williams, do you?
Marcus Stroman – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.69. There’s some pitchers this year where it’s like, “Is this guy’s entire career derailed or what?”
David Peterson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.24. A Man Da. Peterson better than a night of cards, chips, dips and dorks.
Jose Urena – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.05, as he continued his dominance in Coors. This guy is just so great, and water is dry and the color blue is actually the color orange and Apple changes their charging cords every few years to help the consumer and not help themselves make more money.
Frankie Montas – A’s manager and outfielder, Mark Kotsay, said — Kotsaid? — that Montas’s shoulder responded really well to rest. The best a shoulder has ever responded. Really, super great! Who wants to trade for him? Anyone?
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Been pretty inspiring to watch Laureano before each at-bat talk to his agent, telling him, “Press record so you can send this highlight to the Yankees.”
Jeremy Pena – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Kinda wild how Pena has been better than teammate Alex Bregman and the guy who he replaced, Carlos Correa.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.89. Struggled with where to rank Verlander in the top 100 — coming out on Tuesday — not because Verlander’s not great, but will the Astros throttle his innings in the 2nd half to rest him for the playoffs? I would if I were them, but, while I am wearing a train conductor hat, and dream of riding that Astros train in their outfield, I am not them.
Max Meyer – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, as he was called up. If it’s any consolation (it won’t be), he looked better than the line. This is why we should all be wary (and weary) of rookie pitchers. As I’ve said many times, Kershaw’s rookie ERA was 4.26, and his career mark is 2.48.
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.07, as he was activated from the IL. Sonavabench! The one time this schmohawk pitches decent. In most shallower mixed leagues, I’d use the Streamonator with Suarez. By the by, once teams release their 2nd half rotation schedule, SON will be updated.
Aaron Nola – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.13. Oh, he’s definitely gonna be in the top 100 for the 2nd half that’s coming out tomorrow. It’s only how high do I rank him, because I am a huge fan.
Harold Ramirez – Left the game with a broken thumb. I went to look at who I could pick up from waivers out of guys who might now get more ABs for the Rays, and looked at Taylor Walls, Brett Phillips, Yu Chang, took a nap, and tried to forget what I was looking at prior to the nap. Rays really are beating the Red Sox and Jays in that division with a very sad lineup.
Brandon Lowe – 4-for-4, 1 run, as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In The Lineup” Department said, “The IT guy put those video files on my computer! They’re not mine!”
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. One of the most underrated outfielders playing. I think it’s the Orioles. Their entire lineup is underrated, except Odor, who is simply rated, R, for reject.
Spencer Strider – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.03. Is he already on his Touki Toussaint downward slope of his Braves career? Usually their starters get a full season before turning into an Ian Anderson-sized pumpkin. I’m being a bit facetious, but Strider was a 4.71 ERA pitcher in Double-A last year.
Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper already in Home Run Derby mode!
Kris Bubic – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.87. Bubic? Damn it, now I’m thinking of that public hair commercial again!
Nick Pratto – 2-for-3 and his 1st major league homer. Nick Pratto better than Nick Versace, confirmed! I like Pratto long-term, but I don’t know the Royals’ plan for him once they get back their other players.
Jose Berrios – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.22. One of the easiest matchups of the year is home vs. the poverty Royals with half their team back in KC, but I’m happy to see Berrios pitch well vs. the opposite. Will be looking forward to him making me sob uncontrollably in the 2nd half.
Alejandro Kirk – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .315. Randomly thinking about how people, not under duress, chose to draft Salvador Perez in the 2nd round.
Brandon Crawford – Hit the IL with knee inflammation. Such a lost season for Crawford. Amazing how the entire Giants team sold its soul for last year, and didn’t think of tacking on an extra year on their contract with the devil. Or did the devil have a buyout clause?
Alex Cobb – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Sticking head out in the rain, only it’s not rain, and instead it’s just positive regression pelting me in the face, and I couldn’t be happier.
Aaron Ashby – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.57. Interesting move to take a guy, who was pitching on three days rest, where he threw 101 pitches, and had an elbow injury last month, and use him as an opener. Yes, “interesting.”
Willy Adames – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. Feels underrated no matter what he does. At some point, the fantasy community is gonna be like, “Wow, Adames hit 30 homers in 2022,” and move him up draft boards for 2023, but I don’t think we’re there yet. Well, clearly not. He’s still 11 homers short.
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. If our comments are any indication, no one wants Tellez, i.e., Tellez, your price, and you can have him.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.50. This past offseason all seemed normal when Lance Lynn decided to sign up for Jose Berrios’s pitching seminar, “Being the Best You You Can Be.”
Dylan Cease – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.15. More like Dealin’ Cease. Give me a high five! No? Okay.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer this week. Trouble with calling a guy a hot schmotato over the break is they might get cold by their next game, but Harrison has been schmotato’ing.
Andrew Vaughn – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. Don’t worry, we’re good. There’s no way La Russa will remember to bench Vaughn a few days later.
Ryan Jeffers – Out for six to eight weeks with a fractured thumb. Sucks for his fantasy value, and hitchhiking.
Dylan Bundy – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.71. In one league, desperate times call for desperate measures, and I’m starting Bundy every time out for the last month. Most of you should use the Streamonator.
Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Cheap, trustworthy starters are my new kink. Would love more strikeouts, but rolling Mikolas out there and letting his solid ratios wash over me like salt water at a taffy factory.
Steven Matz – Rained out but activated. Speaking of taffy factories, you’re head is one if you think I’m going anywhere near Matz.
Nick Lodolo – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.81. Hunter Greene and Nick Lodolo are going to piggyback as starters in an All-Star Game. Might not be next year, or the year after, prolly will be the first year they’re both playing for another team.
Spencer Torkelson – Optioned to the minors. Damn, just missed being there for the Futures Game! This was one of my biggest misses in the preseason. I was convinced Torkelson was ready to takeoff like DB Cooper, instead he sucked like every doc about DB Cooper.
Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and a slam (13) and legs (17), hitting .239. Semien homered in the same game as France, and that’s just the culture over there, with their loose mores.
Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.76. I keep refreshing my eyes by blinking, waiting to see the Mariners pull Gilbert from the rotation, due to innings, but nothing yet.
Ty France – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .308. That’s American League All-Star to you. Funny thing about the All-Star Game is they announce the All-Stars last week, then spend three days talking about All-Star Game snubs, then the next three days talking about how all the snubs end up getting elected as replacements. Speaking of the All-Star Game, every other sport is like, “All-Star Weekend! No one is working, everyone’s watching us now!” Then MLB is like, “How’s your Tuesday look?”