No joy comes from benching your ace and having him do a shot of Visine right as he’s going to bed. “I’m just going to tuck myself in with a glass of warm milk and a Visine back.” Nope, that brings me zero enjoyment. It’s like calling your mechanic and telling him that your brakes don’t work, which you found out after the valet drove your Peugeot into a Chipotle. (Even Chipotles have valets in LA.) Car’s ruined, at least I wasn’t in the damn car, but no joy. That’s what I’m getting right now from Carlos Martinez. Yesterday, he went 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.24, and it’s his 4th straight lackluster start in a row since returning from injury. He was on my bench, because I don’t trust him at all, but my car’s still being used as a salsa bar, and I don’t want pico de gallo on my hood! I want the ace pitcher I drafted! I have to assume C-Mart is still hurt, because it hasn’t only been the series of bleh starts, but the control in his last four games has been atrocious 20 BBs in 16 2/3 IP. Yesterday’s command was technically better, unless you consider being wild in the zone as big a problem. Sadly, he needs to stay on your bench until he either rights the ship or hits the Disgraceful List. Effin’ pico de gallo hood ornament! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 29th homer this week. Know how I know he’s about to slow down? I’m starting to feel pangs that I wished I drafted him. Within a day or two those pangs will dissipate again to, “Yeah, that’s why I didn’t draft him.”
Michael Wacha – Hit the DL with an oblique strain which was so painful he couldn’t breath without pain. See you around mid-August, Wacha!
Brent Suter – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15. You might remember Brent Suter as a guy I drafted in Tout Wars in the free round. Or as my autocorrect likes to call him, Brent Super. Yo, autocorrect might be better drafting than some ‘perts. Now that I think about it, it does always autocorrect one name to Andy Barrens. Whoa. *mind blown*
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 2 runs 1 RBI and his 16th steal, hitting .294, but left with hamstring cramps. I think you’re okay if you own him, but if you wanna form a prayer pyramid, I’m here for you.
Brett Gardner – Remained out yesterday with a day-to-day injury that has lasted longer than a few celebrity marriages.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will throw off the mound on Sunday. When he returns in weeks (months?) to the rotation, he’ll past-a Lasagna.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .281. Not bad for a 280-mound of muscles. If you were to put David Eckstein’s head on Judge’s body, he’d have 19 homers too!
Luis Severino – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.24. You know your season’s going pretty well when you throw a ball of whacks in a start and your ERA is still below 2.25.
Miguel Andujar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his .290. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column because he’s owned in too many leagues. Supposedly, at least, but I still get a ton of questions about picking up Andujar. To which I say, “Andujar waiting for?”
Jean Segura – Out with a forearm infection. Which is different than Iron Mike Sharpe who had a forearm inflection point.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .228. As I said to someone recently in the comments, Seager is still a .250 guy. Players are who they are until they prove to us they’re something else. A couple months around .225 doesn’t make him a .225 hitter. Not to mention (Grey’s got more points to make!), if he had 72 hits right now instead of 66, he’d be hitting .250. One more hit every ten games and he’s hitting close to 25 points better, i.e., batting average is silly.
Jaime Garcia – Could be demoted to the bullpen. I heard that and immediately scrambled to see who they were calling up to replace him, then I saw they were talking about Sam Gaviglio, so that was a worse scramble than anything by Eli Manning. By the way, Rudy’s already released his fantasy football projections. (Clickbait!)
Randal Grichuk – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 3rd homer this week. Of course, he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but if you need power, have at him!
Aaron Sanchez – 1 IP, 2 ER and left with an undisclosed injury. At least undisclosed to me. Don’t worry, Aaron Sanchez is still on MasterChef.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. It appears Calhoun is hot. No, really, he’s a bright red! Oh, wait, that’s just his hair color.
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (7, 8), hitting .222. Hey, The Sciosciapath’s two years of loyalty to Valbuena for no reason have finally paid off! He must’ve known something.
Justin Anderson – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 3rd save, ERA at 3.08. Maybe it was giving up five earned runs in his last three appearances that left Blake Parker on the bench. Maybe The Sciosciapath simply forgot who he named his closer. Either is possible.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Pretty meh start, but better than it had any right to be vs. the Sawx. Either way, I had no idea Kyle Gibson looks like he mansplains everything. “Actually, pancakes in France are crepes.” Ugh, Kyle Gibson, why do you have to be behind me in every buffet line?
Mookie Betts – 3-for-6, and his 19th homer, hitting .344. Been a bit boring recently to own. He’s only now on pace for a top 50 season in the history of fantasy baseball, and not top 10. Bummer.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .292. I was about to call him Andy Benny, and that sent me on a 45-minute trip around the internet watching and reading old jokes by Jack Benny, which led me to George Burns, which led me to Art Carney, which led me to Jackie Gleason. For my money, Burns holds up the best; Jack Benny is the worst. Don’t @ me. “Your money or your life.” “I’m thinking.” Guess it’s in the delivery.
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 hit), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Now Porcello will give up a few runs in his next outing and his ERA will move back to 3.65, then he’ll throw a solid start and back to 3.55, then to 3.45 then to 3.67 then–Shut up, I’m getting my Magic Eight Ball money’s worth!
Jesse Winker – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. That’s gotta be a confidence booster, right? I mean, what’s better than hitting your first career grand slam? How about hitting a grand slam and not getting pulled from the game for Phillip Ervin?! Why do the Reds continue to platoon Winker?! What are they playing for?! Why is this so maddening to me?! I have interrobang questions, y’all?!
Matt Harvey – 6 Ip, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.66, but he’s really turned his season around with the Reds. On the Mets, he had a 7 ERA; on the Reds, it’s barely a 5 ERA! Great stuff. Take a bow, and curtesy your cape, Dark Knight.
Jason Heyward – 4-for-5, 1 run, hitting .283 on the year, and .250 in the last week. He also has four homers on the year. Heyward and Winker should time travel back to 1907 and lead the league in homers.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-1, 1 RBI, 2 BBs and zero Ks. The Orioles pitchers have magical, curative powers!
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. He hadn’t played since the first week of the season, and, of course, he returns on a short schedule day and homers. What’s Monday’s slate like next week? I might wanna grab Rasmus!
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .262, and has three homers in the last four games. As a fantasy baseball Yoda would say, “Schmotato hot, grab, don’t think.”
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .282. I’m telling you, he is capable of a few huge months back-to-back.
Shelby Miller – Set to return on Monday. A Shelby can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Shelby’s your man, but getting on the hump and pumpin’ in 95 MPH fastballs is not Shelby’s strong suit.
Ketel Marte – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .246. You better believe he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column. I’ll list a reason and number it oddly: Ketel, one, is making me drunk.
Zack Godley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.64. His ERA says everything. It is saying that he’s been all over the place with his results — good and bad. Or if his name is Jules, “It’s the wallet that says good and bad motherf**ker.”
Chad Kuhl – 2 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 4.56. How about not Kuhl?
Wil Myers – 0-for-3 as he returned from the DL. There’s no bigger dick move than being on the DL for six weeks longer than what was originally reported, then randomly coming back on a Thursday, while you sit on my bench in a weekly league as I start Sean Rodriguez, because there’s no one on waivers and you could’ve gave me some advanced warning, WIL FREAKIN’ MYERS. But I’m not mad.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.20 vs. Tyson Ross – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.34. This matchup was of the 1927 Padres vs. the 1927 San Francisco Giants. Those years are significant to each franchise because neither team existed, so their offenses weren’t good either. The Padres had a Father whose speciality was squeezing barley between his toes for his trappist ale. The Giants in San Francisco, not affiliated with the Giants in New York, consisted mostly of people who were absolutely positive there was still some gold left, and a coach who had a world famous sourdough starter.
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save. Who knows if he can stay healthy, but you knew El Grande Cabeza Bochy wanted Melancon to be the closer. Or at least you should’ve known this. I could see Watson or Smith still seeing opportunities, but it’s likely Melancon until he’s hurt.
Ronald Acuna – Will begin a rehab assignment today. Finally. Lohan got to rehab faster. Let’s go Acuña!
Dan Straily – Received a five game suspension for throwing at Buster Posey. Straily, are you crazy? MLB made an entire rule to protect Buster Posey. Throw at him and MLB’s next rule change will be pitchers can only throw to 2nd base.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .317. I think I’ve finally isolated the 47,788,921 bacteria found in the common cold and can now work towards a cure. I’m just going to negligently leave my lab results by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Yoenis Cespedes – Will begin running soon. That was also the first chapter of The Very Hungry Caterpillar.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .225. It means nothing since it was in Coors, except it might mean something to the Rockies. You know they see Frazier and they’re thinking, “Can you play 1st base? How do you feel about playing the outfield so we can move David Dahl and Ramiel Tapia down the depth chart? What about moving Murphy to the bench and catching for the Colorado Stallones? Our real name, by the way, people just call us Rockies.”
