“To Kill A Fantasy Team” By Harper Knee

On Saturday night, Bryce Harper lunged for first base, slipped and his leg went the wrong direction.  Like two white guys meeting, one goes for the handshake and one goes for the hug and it just goes awkwardly wrong in every way.  Atticus Finch had much more success stepping on his white base.  Owning Harper on multiple teams, I looked at the latest news Saturday night, and I saw:

Oh my God it already says Bryce Harper Was OF. PAST TENSE! pic.twitter.com/bQ3sKPNQjF

— Razzball (@Razzball) August 13, 2017

Devastated.  Crushed.  C’mon, thesaurus, give me another one.  Thankfully, it was revealed as the best possible outcome for him, a bone bruise.  Still, not a great outcome for us with him on our fantasy teams, since he will be out for the better part of the rest of the season.  Don’t worry, I have Jose Pirela!  *sticks head in oven, puts on The Bell Jar book on tape*  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Edwin Jackson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.30 in five games on the Nationals.  Dusty Baker is the Edwin Whisperer.  It’s like Edwin has a hole in his heart where confidence resides and, before each start, Dusty puts a toothpick in Edwin’s heart and fills the confidence hole.

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-9, 2 runs and his 27th homer, hitting .310.  Nats’ infield of Zimmerman, Anthony Rendon (2-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer) and Daniel Murphy (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer) is still stacked, but that outfield sans Bryce?  Have to see if Michael Taylor (1-for-4) can go H.A.M. and Howie Kendrick (3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer) can continue to be a Zombino/White Walker.

Mark Melancon – Was activated from the DL.  From the files of Crazy Talk You’d Have Never Guessed In April. I’d continue to hold Sam Dyson, who recorded a save on Sunday.

Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-9 with his 5th homer, hitting .218.  I bet the Red Sox fans miss him so much right now.  If only they had someone to play 3rd with Sandoval’s aplomb.  Sorry, meant to write a plump, but didn’t feel like backspacing.

Russell Martin – Hit the DL with an oblique strain.  The Jays will turn to Raffy Lopez and Mike Ohlman, or as they’re known internally, Miffy Loman from the Dearth of a Catcher, Man.

Justin Smoak – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 32nd homer, hitting .299.  Smoak or Judge?  On our Player Rater, it’s Judge, but it’s closer than you likely think.  I don’t have anything against Judge, I’m just trying to point out hype vs. reality for fantasy.

Josh Donaldson – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .255.  You next preseason, “Grey, bless your handsomeness and I apologize profusely for questioning your wisdom but you seem down on Donaldson considering what a great 2nd half he had.  Are you like my Pontiac Aztek with a giant blind spot?”

Dustin Pedroia – Hit the DL with *raspberries lips*.  Eduardo Nunez is now starting at 2nd base for the foreseeable future.

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and two homers (15, 16) on Saturday.  To quote the ever-insightful, Jonny Gomes, who is filling in for Jerry Remy as Red Sox color commentator, “It life or death, brah,” “Boy’s club, men’s league,” and, “Benny know, he got to.”

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer.  I could focus on the negative of him not starting because there was a lefty on the mound, but he turned around a 103 MPH fastball from Aroldis’s lefty cannon, and should never be taken out of the lineup again.  Oh, and Aroldis hadn’t given up a home run since the World Series last year and has only allowed two homers to lefties in his career.  Um, holy eff.

Luis Severino – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.32.  That makes me want to vomit into my mouth, spit said vomit onto the floor and spell out the word “vomit” with my vomited vomit.  It’s the only proper response to this start.

Jacob deGrom – Expects to make his next start after taking a line drive off his triceps.  He said he’s just a little tricepsasaurus, then ran around the clubhouse with his arms half in his shirt.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-5 and his 26th homer, hitting .285.  Giancarlo has 15 2nd half homers to lead the league, and Conforto is 2nd with eleven.  Now, I will exhale my vape pen, post-coital style.

Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 4th homer in his last ten games.  Definitely hot schmotato, even if he mistakenly hits leadoff.  Guess we shouldn’t question Terry Collins, he is after all guiding the Mets to a solid 70-win season.

Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.02.  On my team, Nola’s stats:  5 wins, 1.49 ERA, 0.94 WHIP, 62 Ks in 54 1/3 IP.  That makes me horny.

Mike Clevinger – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.65.  Solid bounce back start for Clevinger, or since he sounds like a horror film villain, solid thrusting of his hand through a floorboard.  I like Clevinger, as long as he’s not throwing children into a furnace.

Austin Jackson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer.  After he hit it, he nearly caught it, but he just had too much distance (on the hit, not leap).

Steven Souza – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .261.  Why you’re in fourth instead of 1st?  Not picking up Souza in April when I told you.  Now it’s your chance to be like, “Yeah, and you also told me to sell Judge, you motherfudger!”

Austin Pruitt – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.07.  His peripherals scream boring.  Hmm, maybe that’s not a scream but a yawn.  Maybe that’s what Munch meant too.

Jose Berrios – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.27.  True story, Berrios is only 23 years old, and may not be safe safe until he’s 25 years old.  Okay, less a true story as a possibility.  Also, Berrios could just be winding down on the season with his innings mounting, i.e., he’s fatigued.  It’s Italian!  Fay-tee-gay’d!

Brian Dozier – 2-for-5 and his 23rd homer.  Was a bit surprised about how little was made of Dozier going into this 2nd half after what he did last year.  I was the only one to talk about this.  Then again, I only read my own writing, so maybe everyone was talking about this.  End eye bearly skim mai owne righting.

Trevor Hildenberger – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, as Matt Belisle pulled a Matt Belisle on Saturday and blew a save.  Hildenberger needs to keep the ball down and stay out of electrical wires to avoid explosions, but, honestly, anyone’s better than Belisle and I grabbed Hildenberger on the ‘just in case’ tip.

Tim Anderson – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and his 4th homer in the last eight games, and he hit leadoff yesterday.  Definitely grab him, but, in the bigger picture, he has an outside chance of a 20 HR, 10 SB season and roping me in next year like a rodeo clown.

Whit Merrifield – 3-for-6, 5 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .296.  He’s gone from unrated to underrated to overrated in the matter of months.  Whit Merrifield is baseball’s version of Amber Rose.  “Yo, Amber Rose get yo’ Merrifield off my timeline.”

Drew Butera – 4-for-5, 2 runs.  That’s Olympic strongman Drew Butera to you!

Jake Petricka – Tyler Clippard was traded to the Astros, and now the White Sox closer is…A. Bummer.  I wish!  No, Aaron Bummer seems more like the 7th inning guy.  I’d guess Petricka gets first crack at saves, but it could be Juan Minaya, which is different than when Mets fans say, “Who ruined our franchise?  One Minaya.”

Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (9, 10).  Maybe Pirela sneezed some of his schmotato onto Spangenberg, but, outside of a cyclops with a monocle, not a ton in the recent past for Spangenberg.

Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers.  In the last month, somebody left some crumbs for Gingerbeard to find his way back to his power.  He has six homers in August, and had only six homers from April thru June.

Cam Bedrosian – Picked up his 5th save on Saturday, and only didn’t pitch in yesterday’s save opp because he was used too much recently.  If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, The Sciosciapath would be a diabetic squirrel, BUT Bedrosian appears to be the closer IF he doesn’t blew any games over his next relief appearance or two.

C.J. Cron – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer.  It takes a certain kind of man to carry his schmotatoness from one week to the next all while keeping his Sciosciapathic manager at bay.  Truly brave.

Parker Bridwell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.88.  I’ve been streaming him in one league, but I also have the worst ERA in the history of ERAs in that league, so it’s a doodie sundae no matter what Bridwell does.  If I cared about my ERA, I wouldn’t own Bridwell.

Dallas Keuchel – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.77.  Since he was activated from the DL a few weeks ago, Daylass Koochel has put the ass in Daylass, but, in less than an ideal matchup yesterday, looked rejuvenated.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is all the garbage he did to fantasy teams while apparently rehabbing in the majors for his last few starts.

Jose Altuve – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .362.  Too bad Dustin Hoffman is a little past his prime, he would’ve made a great Jose Altuve in the movie version of his life.  “One day, I’m going to come back here and you’re going to let me ride this roller coaster.  Not because I’ll be tall enough, but because I’ll be one of the best hitters in the major leagues, and you will make an exception!”  That’s Dustin Hoffman, chewing up the scenery, wearing an Altuve jersey at Six Flags.

Sean Manaea – 1/3 IP, 6 ER in 28 pitches.  My dog, Ted, has had longer poops than this start, and he literally sniffs for about fifteen seconds, does his business, motions to me to pick it up, I check to see if anyone is seeing me pretend to pick it up, and we walk off.  Maybe 90 seconds tops.

Kendall Graveman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners 8 Ks, ERA at 4.70.  I trust him about as much as I’d trust a cardiologist named Graveman.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs anda slam (16) and legs (3), and 2nd homer in his last four games, but that dates back to Wednesday since he’s a platoon player and homophobe.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in his last three games, hitting .211.  He has big-time power and big-time swing liabilities that could result in a .190 average.  Definitely worth grabbing for power while he’s hot, but be ready to bail.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .228.  Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time three Matts homered in a game, and not one announcer said, “That Matt is a welcome greeting for A’s fans.”

Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.17.  Now has three straight solid starts in a row, though four starts back was a 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER shizzlacking.  Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love Bundy’s next, and I’d be lying if I said I was confident in him.

Zack Godley – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.95.  He is moving closer to streamer territory with each additional start.  I’d continue to hold Him, if I lacked options, but He had command problems in the minors, so have to keep an eye on that.

Patrick Corbin – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.52.  Near identical circumstances as Bundy — great recently, has had a shizzlacking in the near future and his next start isn’t great.  By the way, shizzlacking is my fetch.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 28th homer.  Au Shizz!

Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .270 as he continues to languish in the eight-hole.  Schwarber has had two hits since last October and hits higher in the order.  Heyward hasn’t been good since 2012 and he even hits above Baez!

Kris Bryant – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer.  If you don’t own Bryant this year, you should be rooting against him over the final fifty games so he comes at a discount next year.  It’s The Secret, beeyatches!

Brandon Phillips – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games.  I can’t tell you to pick up someone I wouldn’t pick up myself, but Bra-Phil isn’t just shorthand for Billy Butler, he’s a hot schmotato.

Paul DeJong – 3-for-5 and his 18th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting near-.400 in the last week.  You know there’s no way you’re gonna see Grey poop on this DeJong.

Travis Shaw – Fouled a ball off his foot on Saturday, and his foot was in a boot on Sunday.  The Brewers are saying he should be fine, I guess his foot just didn’t pay its parking tickets.

Neil Walker – 2-for-4, 1 run, as he was traded to the Brewers, who further try to distance themselves from Jonathan Villar.  The Brewers right now are Jimmy Conway and Villar is Karen Hill.  “Go a little bit further down the tunnel to the clubhouse, Villar.  Go ahead.  There’s some beautiful furs down there.”  “Nah, that’s all right, Coach.  I gotta get back home to drop the kids off at the pool.  See, I can only poop at home.”  The Brewers also don’t seem super psyched about starting Hernan Perez.  Any hoo!  Walker gets a boost in value if he gets everyday at-bats, because Miller Park is so much better of a park for power, but I don’t fully believe Walker will be an everyday player.  Brewers just have too many options (on hitting, obviously; I mean, they’re starting Matt Garza like that’s a good thing).  It could be slightly better news for Walker’s playing time if Shaw is DL’d, but he’s due back Tuesday.

Domingo Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .274.  Domingo never rests on Sunday!

Brent Suter – Hit the DL with a rotator cuff strain.  So, seriously, can Neil Walker pitch?

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 42nd homer.  I have an idea to dress up like a porch swing and put myself on Giancarlo’s porch so he sits in my lap and we swing back and forth like Tawny Kitaen and a member of Whitesnake.  If we have any attorneys that read this, is this illegal?

Nolan Arenado – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the hand by a pitch, but has a contusion and not a broken hand.  I can now tell everyone my heaving sobs are from joy instead of sadness.  Due to my mustache, it looked like a baby walrus sobbing and children were removing their fingers from their nose to point at me.

Pat Valaika – 3-for-4, hitting .281.  He prolly should’ve been playing over Story for the last six weeks, but, that’s neither here nor there if Arenado is out for a few days.  Plus, Coors.

Ryan Howard – Signed a deal with the Rockies.  Hehe, they’re the worst.  The Rockies legit never want to play a prospect ever at first base.  They call up Ryan McMahon, and sign Ryan Howard the same weekend.  What could they get from the Howard signing?  Shade?  I don’t mean that as the kids refer to shade, as in speaking disparaging about someone.  I mean, literally, Howard offers shade when it is sunny.  That’s about it.