MLB owners decided not signing free agents was too obvious. Everyone can see that in plain-sight. Passing around a championship belt that says you’ve spent the least on free agents? Too on the nose! So, MLB owners got together and decided en masse the best way to manipulate the market is to promote prospects and milk them for a few years at their minimum, then let someone else pay them for their services or lock them down to a big contract when they’re very young for pennies on the dollar of their actual worth. Crazy or crazy like a fox? So, Brendan Rodgers was called up yesterday at like 5 AM my time, and, then when I woke up at 7 AM, I promptly grabbed Br. Rodgers in all but one league to find out about a half of a cup of coffee later I now owned Brady Rodgers, a relief pitcher on the Astros. Anyone know what his stuff looks like? True Story Alert (after the last true story that was given without an alert)! I already had Austin Riley and Brendan Rodgers featured predominantly in my Friday Buy that’s coming later today. Planned it out on Monday of this week, figuring I could tell you to pick them up before they were called up next week. Comic book graphic of being wrapped in Reynolds Wrap as I scream, “FOILED!” On the Prospectonator, which ranks and projects all rookies, Rodgers is ranked 4th for all rookies. The 1st two are Vlad Jr. and Senzel, and the third is The Boss. With Hampson demoted, I’d guess the Rockies give Rodgers a long leash as he plays 2nd, and he might not need said leash. He could click immediately, and be a fixture on the Rockies’ infield like Story and Arenado were before him. He should be owned in every league. For what it’s Werth, Rudy thinks Rodgers could just be insurance for Trevor Story, but I think Ryan McMahon is done. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Chris Bassitt – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.93. All right, time to look at his peripherals. *looks at them, makes curious dog sound* That says it all, doesn’t it? No? Hmm, okay. His 10.5 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 3.34 xFIP and increased velocity make him ownable in all leagues. Think his .216 BABIP and 100% of men left on base will likely go up and down, respectively, and he might only be a 3.75 ERA pitcher and good for roughly 100 IP, but still hard to not recommend him.
Josh Phegley – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .295. The A’s scored 17 runs, so there were big games from a bunch of their hitters, but no game was bigger than Phegley. His name literally translates to throat mucus, and he has no business hitting this well, but maybe he’s having a season comparable to Stephen Vogt’s breakout on the A’s a few years back. Josh Vogley? Um, yeah.
Marcus Semien – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .271. Speaking of throat mucus–*NSA breaks down my door* What’s going on? You can’t repossess my computer. Thoughts are free! Thoughts! Are! Free! *head pressed into cement while being cuffed* Wait, advertisers said they weren’t going to pay me because thoughts were free, so did they lie?
Matt Olson – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in 11 games since his return. Olson, “It’s legal to remove a hamate bone and insert a bionic hand?” Olson’s doctor fiendishly nods.
Trea Turner – Could be activated for today’s game. *turns eyes to horizon* I see why you’re so beautiful now. No homo.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.85. Bad week to quit barbiturates.
Michael Conforto – Hit his 9th homer, but collided with Cano and left the game with a concussion. If you had May 16th in your “Conforto Gets Injured” pool, awesome, because I have you in my “Jerk Collects Money” pool.
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, 3rd homer, 3rd steal, hitting .214. Whew, if he was hitting .333, I was going to hide under my desk.
Juan Soto – 0-for-4, hitting .228. *places ad on Craigslist for smelling salts*
Mallex Smith – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, as he was recalled from the minors as the Mariners proceed with remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (state). I’m still not sure where Mallex will play — maybe Bruce is benched indefinitely? — but if you need SAGNOF, you can do worse (and possibly better).
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, and third homer in as many games. Vogelbach won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s owned in more than 50% of leagues, but, damn, Cousin Sweatpants, he is a for sure hot schmotato.
Michael Pineda – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.55. Now has two straight solid starts and…I can’t, I just can’t go back in on him ever again.
Jason Castro – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 6th homer in his last ten games. So, apparently, it’s not Mitch Garver, it’s the Twins’ catcher spot. Did they gather all of the female Twins fans’ oversized sweaters of a knitted Joe Mauer and burn them behind the plate before the season?
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. At least do the choo-choo sounds if you’re going to make me eat my words.
C.J. Cron – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Somebody invited Curtis Jackson to the smoke show.
Rio Ruiz – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, Coincidentally, that’s the 4th time I groaned the name, “Mountcastle.”
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .313. Whether correctly or not, I do believe I should get some credit for his big year this year, even though I was only excited about him last year. On my tombstone, “See? I told you so!”
Trevor Bauer – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.76. Indians scored 14 runs and Bauer got a no decision. Hahahaha–Kill me now! Wish I could be happy about his regression because he’s a giant douche, but I own this giant douche!
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, hitting .216. 1st and 2nd home runs? Doode, there’s helium juice in the balls. Whatcha talkin’ ’bout, Kipnis?
Kenta Maeda – Hit the IL with a thigh injury. That comes at a great time. *wanders out into freeway traffic* Stop messing with me, karma, and just take me!
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Yesterday, Braves announcers were talking about robot umpires like I imagine they talked about automobiles in 1910. “What happens if it doesn’t start and humans no longer know how to walk?” As this conversation ended, I swear to God, the home plate ump left the game with a stomach virus. No one even made notice that robot umps don’t get the shits. Oh, and as for this game from Teheran, you could tell the home plate had the runs, because he was calling a mile-wide strike zone, and Teheran still walked four guys!
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .315. Freddie, in a karate robe, bows ceremonially, “You are the teacher.” Joey Votto motions for him to stand back up, “No, you are the teacher now. I need to retire and raise awareness about my Hall of Fame credentials with burner Twitter accounts.” “You’ll have no problem getting in.” “You’d think, but I have barely 1,750 hits.”
Carlos Martinez – Will be activated on Saturday. *drops everything, runs to waivers to pick him up, realizes I don’t want to own him and whistles while closing the waivers window* Yeah, I had the impulse too, but he’s going to be in the bullpen and you can likely find a better bullpen arm in most leagues.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. OZUNA breathe fire from bat. OZUNA worried he catch something in Roppongi district of Japan.
Matt Carpenter – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. He only had three homers through this day last year, and exploded on May 21st. Then again, the season started five days earlier this year, so it’s the same day. It is May 21st. Yes, a calendar is fake news.
Jose Peraza – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Nuh-uh, I ain’t falling for the ol’ banana-in-the-old-tailpipe and I’m definitely not falling for the homer now that I’ve dropped you everywhere.
Teoscar Hernandez – Optioned to Triple-A. Guess that makes him a Teoscar minors weiner.
Marcus Stroman – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2,95. Where does he fall on the Miles Marker, you ask because you pay attention to everything I say. Excellent question, my young prematurely bald man. Perhaps a game of foosball in your mother’s basement can help us decide. I’m kidding. I’m words on a screen and you’re an actual human. Fooled you! I don’t know if Stroman’s above or below (east or west?) of the Miles Marker, but he’s real close to him. Could even be the Miles/Marcus Marker.
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .175. He celebrated his homer by bat-flipping and screaming f**k you to the Padres fans, then explaining to the young Latino players how a handshake is better than a high five. Interesting guy, this Kinsler.
Franmil Reyes – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer, and, like, his 18th homer this week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’m not sure it matters since he was in the past three weeks and you still didn’t pick him up.
Spencer Turnbull – 4 IP, 1 ER, and 5 unearned runs, ERA at 2.40. The Regression Fairies showed up at Turnbull’s start, tried to dance over his ratios, then were told Bette Midler had to cancel her concert and they wouldn’t be refunded their money because they still got to enjoy the Martha Raye impersonator.
Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Not quite the Eflin butter start we’ve become accustomed to from him of late, but we can’t hold that against him. Streamonator does hate his next start, though, which does damper the hamper full of clothes labeled, “Keep dry.”
Jean Segura – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Four homers isn’t bad. Dot dot dot. If this were the dead-ball era of 2012!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (9), hitting .342. Snooze! You call this guy a baseball player? Why doesn’t he open a library with his quiet bat?!
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .259. Moistasskiss!
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .263. Can he keep hitting homers? Inner monologue, “Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…” Yas…mani. “You said it.”
Zach Davies – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.54. That goes with just a totally normal 4.66 xFIP, 6.2 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 85.6% LOB%. Also, about this game, Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time two Zachs faced each other when nearly 100% of fans cheered using Hard Ks.
Danny Santana – 4-for-7, 2 runs, hitting .319. First off, the Rangers racked up 16 runs, so everyone was smoking that Royals pitching like it was cigarettes for Royals known as Parliaments. “Queen Mum, I just had a baby and not feeling 100% yet.” “Nonsense, child, smoke a Parliament. It’s what Guy Fawkes would’ve wanted.”
Hunter Pence – 1-fort-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, launching that bomb off Chris Owings. The Royals brought in Chris Owings to pitch, figuring he might have an easier time matching Micah’s pitching exploits than he has matching his hitting exploits.
Willie Calhoun – 4-for-7, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two games. Okay, maybe I’m being too tough on Calhoun. If he’s hitting, he will play. He literally (yes, literally!) needs to hit though, because his glove will not keep him in the lineup.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Two huge clutch homers by Rougned Odor in the 8th and 9th inning to help turn a 10-1 Rangers lead into a 16-1 game. He’s the baseball form of Rotten Tomatoes. Call him Odormeter, and he judges whether or not a pitcher is any good. “Royals pitching? 100% on the Odormeter, and fully stinks.”