Ryan Braun revealed he doesn’t have a thumb issue, he has a whole hand issue. Unfortch, he’s also proving to have a ‘can’t stay on the field without steroids’ issue, which is the result of a ‘steroids has broken down his ability to stay healthy’ issue that’s brought up a ‘is he really trying to get on the field’ issue that all came about when he was ‘wearing scrubs, watching his wife spit out a kid and his wife was squeezing his hand too tightly’ issue that leaves the issue, ‘will he return and do anything this season?’ Basically, Braun’s got more men’s health issues than Ricky Martin. Whether or not you drop him or just bench him comes down to who you have to replace him, but, in September, he’s hitting .200 with zero homers, and he hit .240 in August with four homers, so chances are good you can find someone better than him for the final two and a half weeks. This will definitely muddy waters on if Braun is a mannish boy or what to expect from him in 2015 fantasy baseball. Unless Lame-Ass-Busta Excuses is a category in your league, then Braun has it on lock. (Also, applies if the category is spelled Lame-Ass-Buster Excuses or simply Lame Excuses.) Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jimmy Nelson – Moved to the bullpen. Oh, shucks, July Grey is saddened by this news.
Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. OZUNA win game for Marlins. OZUNA dedicate home run to memory of Jodie Sweetin’s career. OZUNA have crush.
Casey McGehee – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .297. Solid year for very deep leagues, and a really whatever year for most mixed leagues. Pretty incredible how focused he’s stayed all year while dealing with conservative Irish Catholics protesting the marriage of the Mc and Gehee.
Danny Santana – Has missed back-to-back games with a back strain but should be back today. Baby got the word back!
Jared Burton – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save as Glen Perkins and The Glen Perkins Band continued to nurse his sore neck. Glen Perkins supposedly got it from playing a real jazzy swing number.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. You only have to look at his batting average at .220 to know he’s going to get an offseason sleeper post. For right now, he’s not hitting for anything but power, but he did hit another homer on Friday.
Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Trevor May (5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks). This matchup was billed as “Trevor? Your Italian Or Counting Is Terrible, It’s Duevor.” Neither Trevor is a positive on the Stream-o-Nator for their next starts and I’d look elsewhere. Not at the ceiling, at a different starter.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, and was 0-for-8 coming into the game, but is worth a cyclops with a monocle viewing.
Josh Donaldson – 5-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs. People most geeked out yesterday: people who own Donaldson and those that want an iPhone for a watch. “Hold on, I’ll put my brother on.” Holds wrist up to brother’s ear.
Jon Lester – 8 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.52. “Hey, Lester, you got a package from the Yankees. Looks like the Mona Lisa. Want me to put it with the rest of the junk they sent?”
Craig Gentry – Left the game with a concussion, after colliding with Carlos Sanchez. His brothers-from-the-mat, Terry Gordy and Michael Hayes, are not going to take that lying down!
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4 and his 20th homer. That’s his 4th homer in the last 8th game. Say it with me, hot schmotato. No the C doesn’t make a K sound there.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 6 ER. Good news is he threw 70 pitches. The bad news, he was throwing them with a beach ball.
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. What if I rank him in the top two catchers next year? Then he’ll hit .215 with a season-ending injury in May. You sound so jaded, Random Italicized Voice. Prince Fielder’s made it hard to love again.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Entered this game oh for his last fifteen. Too bad Kevin Towers is out of a job, Cozart would’ve been a nice get for Archie Bradley.
Ervin Santana – 5 IP, 5 ER. Ervin Santana isn’t Magic, black woman or otherwise, but that’s what you’re gonna need now to fix your H2H playoff team.
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Too bad they don’t give out VMAs for Quality Starts, right, J-Z? I mean, awards for baseball is as relevant to MTV as awards for videos.
Drew Storen – 1 IP, 0 ER and his third save in four days. It’s funny (not funny). Spend all this time chasing saves, and then you grab one guy and he’s better than the twenty-five other relievers you’ve grabbed in the last month. Maybe saves do have a face… *wavy lines* Sees Bobby Jenks. *wavy lines* No, they don’t have faces, thankfully.
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs. Turning it on when it matters for fantasy. That’s all he cares about, I’m sure.
Ryan Zimmerman – Took batting practice, but still isn’t running on dry ground. Only on an underwater treadmill. Next year, I know who I’m taking on my fantasy water polo team.
Ian Desmond – Left yesterday’s game with back stiffness. Might have to park the lumbago at the rest stop for a day.
Freddy Galvis – 3-for-3, 3 runs and a slam (2) and legs (1). What the hell is that noise?! Oh, it’s the one guy that owns him in a 20-team NL-Only league.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was moved up to the two-hole. In related news, Ryne Sandberg’s performance yesterday as he filled out the lineup card without Rollins is said to be the early leader for a regional Emmy. A Phillies beat writer said, “The way he feigned sadness? Brilliant!”
Drew Smyly – Not sure what he’s all Smyly about, he just got shut down for the year due to innings.
Chris Archer – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, raising his ERA to 3.63. *devilishly rubs fingertips together* Keep pushing your ERA up, sleeper boy.
James Loney – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, that’s his 2nd homer in as many games, as he bats near-.400 in the last week. Hey, Roy Orbison, is there another 1st baseman as hot? “Only the Loney.” There ya have it.
Masahiro Tanaka – Threw a simulated game. I hear there’s an app for that.
Brett Gardner – Sat out again with his abdominal strain and went to see a doctor on Tuesday night. Not Dr. James Andrews unless his stomach is bothering him due to too many elbow macaronis.
Martin Prado – Didn’t start yesterday due to lingering soreness in his hammy. Kinda like my lingering soreness at Puig.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Be interesting to see how well Ellsbury plays next year with Nelson Cruz and Max Scherzer and (Mad Libs in Big Name Free Agent).
Dustin Ackley – Few days away due to ankle spurs. Never bothered John Wayne.
Roenis Elias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Solid stream, not much else here. Elias Sports Bureau, “Hey, we don’t say anything bad about Sonny Gray.”
Collin McHugh – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.79. Um, guys and four girl readers, we’re not in April and he has a sub-3 ERA. The season’s almost over and McHugh is still dominant.
Josh Fields – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 3rd save and 2nd save in last two Astros save opportunities. Maybe when the Astros GM said at the trading deadline that Chad Qualls was indispensable. He meant he was wearing a brown fur sable, and just confused some letters. I grabbed Josh Fields immediately, because I need saves like you need a breath mint.
Brandon Belt – Could return in time for the playoffs. No, not your H2H playoffs, the real playoffs. I know, the gall!
Yusmeiro Petit – Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and is all moogly-googly for his next one too, so Petit, it’s not hard.
Joe Panik – 5-for-5. I’ll have what he’s having! Panik’s come out of nowhere to put up a great average and not a whole lot else. Well, the ‘not a whole lot else’ isn’t out of nowhere. Worth grabbing to see if it continues if you need average and runs.
Angel Pagan – 4-for-5, 3 runs. “Panik and Pagan’s has got me thinking…” said Dan Brown as he pulled out his typewriter.
Anthony Rizzo – Took some ground balls and a few swings yesterday. He says he’ll be ready by this weekend or definitely next Monday. Cubs manager, Not Edgar Renteria’s brother, Rick said, “I don’t want to speculate on (a timetable).” Speculate away, Rick, everyone does!
Javier Baez – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. I cannot tell a lie (I can), but I had to drop Baez prior to yesterday’s game. He was simply anchoring my average and not giving me a whole lot. That’s also the answer to, “Why did Baez start hitting again?”
Jake Arrieta – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. What’s the best case scenario for a start on your bench? Solid outing that the bullpen blows? Arrieta’s being cordial with you even when you don’t have the faith in him.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 1 run. Now this gives him something to talk about with his best friends, Jason Paritek and David Portiz.
Mark Buehrle – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Best thing that’s come out of Buehrle’s year is my autocorrect autofills in his last name. Worst thing that’s come of his year is it’s very difficult when I try to text someone, “Blow me.”
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Goes without saying I’m not done liking Gyorko. Goes without saying like Jimmy Fallon and Timberlake should just have sex already.
Cory Spangenberg – 2-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .364 with two homers in seven games. Maybe Spangenberg isn’t just a word you say when you’re too tongue tied to talk to a beautiful woman.
Josh Hamilton – Sat out again on Tuesday and The Sciosciapath revealed that Hamilton isn’t improving and there’s concern. Sounds like he just got bit by a wasp with a venereal disease. Wasp VD is the worst way to contract a VD; I saw a Nova special about it.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last two days and is hitting near-.400 in the last week. I vote for a name change, Diamond Calhoun. And a hair color change. The red Angels hat should not blend into your hair, doode.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-5, 1 run. Hitting near-.500 in the last week and is about the hottest schmotato, that’s not really a schmotato and I’m just rambling because I’m trying to wrap my brain around why the hell I dropped him and I have nothing and now I will cry. Please turn away.
Colby Lewis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. The Rangers are so bad…How bad are they?! They are so bad a decent starting performance is followed by Robbie Ross Jr. Fun fact! There is no Robbie Ross Sr. The Jr. stands for Just Relax.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. He gets a purdy matchup next per the Stream-o-Nator, but I don’t trust him because he can’t go much more than 5 innings.
Joakim Soria – Will be activated on Wednesday. He’s likely not worth the DL slot you’re stashing him in, but if you’re desperate enough, what can do, as my childhood Polish neighbor would say.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. The top pick up off waivers this year? Definitely in the discussion. Unless you’re in a league where someone like Jon Lester was dropped.
Rajai Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. After the game, the King of SAGNOF jumped on a Skype session with Jarrod Dyson so Dyson could mime feeding him grapes as the King talked about re-colonizing India.
Max Scherzer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks. Quality Start…to the Max!
Jason Vargas – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Varburp.
Greg Holland – Still unable to pitch. I’m told that’s bad for a closer.
Omar Infante – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and his 9th steal. Has a hit in nine of his last ten games, but isn’t giving much more than one hit per day. Hispanic Baby Omar should take a cue from Boardwalk Empire, and try to squeeze multiple hits into every day, but less of something-looks-off-with-her-face, Patricia Arquette. Please.
David Wright – Finally shutdown with shoulder discomfort. Carrying around the burden of being Mr. Met for the last few years has finally caught up to him. Or maybe it was all those years of imitating The Great Gazoo. Either way, you can finally drop him without the guilt of eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s “Holy Hayzeus My 3rd Baseman Sucks” ice cream.
Daniel Murphy – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If you’re trying to reach the “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department, we’re currently busy or on another call. Please leave a message and we’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Jacob deGrom – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 2.62. This was an easy matchup vs. the lifeless-on-the-road Rockies, and the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start. DeGrom has about twenty more innings before he’s shut down. “Noooooooo…I want my nickel!!!” Easy there, Tommy John.
Jenrry Mejia – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners and yanked (sorry, Mets fans) from the save chance. Interesting that Terry Collins chose to pull Mejia there, since he’s pitched poorly the better part of the season and it never influenced Collins’s decision making. Maybe he’s just getting Familia with his other options.
Curtis Granderson – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting everything in sight the last five games. Yup, he went ice cold there and gave you shrinkage, but he’s suddenly hot again. He can be your hot schmotato, the Grandy man can.
J.J. Hardy – MRI showed no damage on his back. He received a pain-killing injection with a needle as big as Jose Altuve and is expected back Friday.
Alejandro De Aza – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (6, 7). Right after he hit the 2nd homer, I went to pick him up in my leagues. His playing time isn’t assured, but assured sounds like a female hygiene product, so whatevs on that. You will have to platoon him out if he sits, but two homers sends up my hot schmotato flag pretty quickly.
Adam Jones – 1-for-5 and his 25th homer. He’s played in every game this year, and has missed only two games in the past three years. In other words, the same number of games as Tulo’s last six years combined.
Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting over .350 in the last week. As previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, when I dropped Baez, Bogaerts was the MI I (stutterer!) grabbed. Here’s looking at you, Bogaerts!
Dustin Pedroia – Could have season-ending surgery due to the lingering pain in his wrist. Kinda silly he’s even been playing. You know when you put Silly Putty on a picture and then pull it off and the image is now on the Silly Putty? That’s how Pedroia’s looked all year, like he’s not playing, but a Silly Putty image of him is. That should also be the glossary term for a player who plays at 50% through an injury. They look like a bad copy of themselves and when they play you feel silly for owning them, and look like a putz to others. Hence, the Silly Putz, no relation to J.J. All those in favor say, aye. All those against say nothing.
