Bernabel Has A Heart-Warming Debut For Rockies

Yesterday, Warming Bernabel went 1-for-3 and his 1st career homer, as he was called up by the Rockies. Warming called up and an immediate impact? Libs gonna wanna say it’s Climate Change Bernabel. How could Warming Bernabel be anything but hot at the plate? He’s literally Warming Bernabel! That should be what he says in every interview. “Am I hot? I am literally Warming Bernabel!” S0, is he just a warm body? Well, yes and no, wait, how do you mean that? Because the Rockies usually just have a dead roster spot? Okay, then call this Weekend at Bernabel’s. This year he went 8/5/.301 in Triple-A as a 23-year-old. He’s a hit tool guy first and foremost and can’t expect much power or speed. Maybe 7/7/.280 this year? So, NL-Only is about it for now, unless he gets hot. Wait a second, he’s literally Warming Bernabel! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Trevor Rogers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.49. Anyone talking about what an insanely great pickup Rogers was? Orioles are the Braves of the AL, and shouldn’t have gotten out of bed this year, but Rogers has been insane.

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and third homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert! Or someone hypnotized him to think it’s Opening Day every day.

Byron Buxton – Day-to-day with rib cartilage irritation. Whoever took the “over on April 15th for Buxton’s first injury,” pay the man!

Matt Wallner – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. From the window to the Wallner to the comps I’m hearing about Spencer Jones being just like Matt Wallner.

CJ Abrams – 2-for-3, 3 runs and a slam and three legs (21, 22, 23). Left off the home run number so you could guess it. He has 23 steals, does he have eight homers? Less or more? More. Okay, 10 or more? What if I told you he had 20 homers last year and was on pace for the same this year? Would you be able to figure out how many homers he has? Have I confused myself with these questions? Maybe. He has 14 homers.

Jake Irvin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zeor walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.69. Streamonator hates his next one, but it’s at home, and Irvin’s been decent-enough in Washington, except for his last one.

Grant Holmes – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. Don’t worry, Braves fans! They traded for Erick Fedde, as they make a run at the number one draft pick.

Bryce Elder – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.29. That’s Elder abuse.

Joc Pederson – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL, hitting .127. Oddly enough, he was hitting better when he wasn’t playing baseball for the last two months. Pederson hitting in front of Langford, Carter and Jung is nasty work.

Josh H. Smith – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I have Josh H. Smith in one league and I have to say my favorite part of rostering him is his position eligibility. On a side note, it sucks when a guy only provides good position eligibility.

Jack Leiter – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Last five starts: 27 IP, 3 ERA, 32 Ks, .221 BAA, but the command is still an issue (13 BBs). If you want to try him, be my guest, I refuse to endorse him until he can figure out his command.

Michael McGreevy – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.91. McGrody. Holy crap, I just realized the Cards are above .500. Are they the worst above-.500 team in history? Hearing yes. Don’t blame me, blame AI.

Alec Burleson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .287. At the end of the year, he’s gonna end up as the most boring top 40 outfielder. Don’t blame me, blame AB.

Manny Machado – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs, hitting .300. 11-for-17 in the series with a homer, most hits in a series for Machado. He’s the Manny.

Paul Skenes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.83. Wow, just think Pirates, you could instead have a Yankees prospect who strikes out 33% of the time.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.60. How long into next spring until Gallen says, “Oh, yeah, I was pitching without an elbow tendon last year, so I’m gonna go get myself a little Tommy John action?” Two weeks into March? He’s so clearly trying to muscle through to get himself a contract.

Robbie Ray – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Hope I’m wrong but it’s starting to feel like he’s tiring. Needs to buckle down and get to work. Oh, I see, well, he can’t find a buckle for pants that tight.

Carson Whisenhunt – Will start tomorrow. Likely should’ve been in the majors two years ago, but he’s also struggled to keep his ERA under-5 in the high minors. In Triple-A this year, 4.42 ERA and a 1.33 WHIP in 97 2/3 IP, and I’d take a wait and see approach in mixed leagues. By the way, his Triple-A team? It’s in Sacramento. SacTown has more baseball teams than Los Angeles. Well, LA LA and not Anaheim LA.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, hitting .243, and four homers since the break. Check out, Mr. Eugenio Chapman!

Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer, hitting .252. Sexy Dr. Pepper hitting around .250 as we head towards fantasy football season. Segue! RazzBowl starts today, don’t forget to draft, if you’re in it.

Ronny Mauricio – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .252. He came a triple short of the cycle. Though, his homer went into McCovey Cove, so no cycle, but he gets a kayak.

Aaron Judge – Hit the IL with a flexor strain. Don’t panic just yet. [realizing between the word “strain” and “don’t,” the person reading this has already jumped out their window] Welp, you’re lucky you’re on the first floor. Sucks that you jumped into a rose bush, though. Yankees said it could be a minimum 10-day IL stint and he’ll return to DH. Giancarlo will prepare to take reps in right field while Judge is on the IL. Before taking reps, Giancarlo will be surgically removing his quad, oblique and hamstrings so not to injure them. Spencer Jones won’t be called up to replace Judge, per the Yanks. Why would he anyway? He’d just do something stupid like homer or strikeout every at-bat.

Amed Rosario – Yankees acquired Rosario. Whew, their Judge-sized hole filled! Nats received back Clayton Beeter and Browm Martinez, and you don’t know how many different places I searched to make sure that was really Browm.

Otto Kemp – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer. He was in Friday’s Buy column and now he’s here with two homers. Not a coincidence!

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. This was in Yankee Stadium, and it made me think how Castellanos feels like a guy the Yankees will bring in for his final year before retirement because he has deteriorating skills and no defense. It’s the Yankees way.

Zack Wheeler – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.56. The other day I benched Ranger Suarez in Yankee Stadium, who threw a solid start, so Wheeler was trying to make me feel better retroactively and it did not work.

Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (12, 13), hitting .239. Benintendi wasn’t enough for the White Sox to win. Applicable for yesterday, or his entire time on the White Sox.

Jac Caglianone – Placed on the IL with a hamstring strain. Worst Italian hammy injury since someone tried to used pancetta in carbonara instead of guanciale.

Randal Grichuk – Acquired by the Royals. Why? I mean, cool. But also: Why? Imagine someone being like, “Royals seemed destined for third place in the AL Central, but then they got Randal Grichuk.” I can’t. Maybe the Royals felt like their bat flips were excessive.

Maikel Garcia – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Someone’s still trying to get traded to the Yanks. Sorry, man, that ship seemed to sail already. They have three basemen.

Kris Bubic – Hit the IL with a rotator cuff strain. Can Grichuk help with that?

Noah Cameron – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.44. Went to look at his splits, expecting to see him being much better at home and, no, he’s great everywhere (1.80 ERA in away games). Also, has been great in July.

Andrew Abbott – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.09. Having the greatest season that no one thinks is real. And likely is not.

Brady Singer – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Streamonator says he gets the Braves next at home, and it doesn’t like it, and I can go either way on it. (Hedging!)

Shane Baz – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.61, in 100 pitches. Sorry, but if you need 100 pitches to get through five innings, I’m gonna be siding with Cash for an Opener in front of these schmohawks.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Somebody figured out his cutter.

Bo Bichette – 5-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .289. He dedicated each hit to BDon.

Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.89. Jays were wearing their throwback unis, I guess. If you think I’m running out to add a 4.89 ERA pitcher who should be reading Happy Retirement cards, you don’t know me.

Alejandro Kirk – Hit the concussion IL after taking a foul ball off his mask. Sounds like Rocky Dennis at sleep-away camp when he was experimenting.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.09 as he was activated from the paternity list. He came back pumping high 90’s and breast milk between innings.

Kerry Carpenter – 0-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. He’s a 32-homer guy, who you have to platoon. I like him, but maybe you don’t and you’re wrong.

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.51. Flaherty is capable of a top five starter type 2nd half, so if he’s pitching well against the Jays, I’m immediately interested. Could see trying to buy low off this start.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer. Broke an 0-for-15 streak with that homer and that Gleyber was a starter in the All-Star Game means we need to stop everything to investigate what the hell is going on with 2nd basemen and why they’re so bad.

Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Eury Perez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07 vs. Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.01. This matchup was billed as, “Two starters who I didn’t think I’d like at all this year, and now love and want everywhere in 2026. Subject to change, of course.”

Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Yay, for applying the tourniquet to the ratio bleeding. Way to go Browm! I mean, Brown! There’s no such thing as Browm!

Miguel Andujar – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Some people call him Miguel Andujar, but I call him OG Spencer Jones.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hanging from chandeliers, singing Sia’s Chandelier, replacing it with Langeliers.

J.T. Ginn – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.89. Fun fact! His name is Jinn Tinn Ginn. He was named by John Hughes. Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, but I could see it.

Aroldis Chapman – Left with a trainer after facing three batters with reduced velocity and spotty command. Red Sox said Aroldis only has a stiff back, i.e., Red Sox said, “Don’t worry, you can still trade for him!” as their nose grew. Jordan Hicks (1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.98) got yesterday’s save, but it’s always weird when a closer gets hurt in the middle of the game, because they already used the setup men. Hicks did look excellent, but Garrett Whitlock has been solid all year. Might be a timeshare, might be Aroldis back in a few days.

Walker Buehler – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.72. This was his first start vs. the Dodgers. He used to be good on the Dodgers. I think. It feels so far removed from who this pitcher is now, I might be misremembering.

Alex Bregman – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. I know he was hurt for a while, but 13 homers stinks. Those are rookie numbers. Not Nick Kurtz rookie numbers either.

Dustin May – 5 IP, 4 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.85. He used to be good too. Wasn’t just Buehler. I think.

Blake Treinen – Activated from the IL. Dodgers said he won’t be the “dedicated” closer, but will be used in high leverage situations. Still think the Dodgers trade for a closer, but we shall see. Or not! Your choice.

Blake Snell – Will make his next start in the majors. Pretty excited about getting my 1st starter back in some leagues after he’s been out since April 2nd. I’m sure he’ll be 100% healthy and won’t throw, like, 12 innings then get shut down again. “My wait will be rewarded,” I say as I throw a coin into a wishing well, missing the part of the wishing well sign that says, “Doesn’t Work.”

Joe Kelly – According to reporters, Kelly was supposed to “work out for the Dodgers,” which I found genuinely hilarious. “Huh, Joe Kelly you say? Interesting, okay, never heard of him, let’s see what he can do.” — any Dodgers player, coach or fan after having their brain wiped clean.

Cal Raleigh – 1-for-4 and his 41st homer. And your new leading AL MVP candidate. All jokes aside, his ass isn’t even as big as this season he’s having.

Logan Gilbert – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.36. Bad news is he didn’t pitch great. Good news is it’s likely because he’s injured. Wait, is that good news?

Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, and his 1,000th career RBI. Yesterday, 12 years ago, Mike Trout became the youngest player to hit for a cycle. Jesus effin’ Christmas life comes at you fast. Hug your freakin’ kids.

Jorge Soler – Hit the IL with a back injury. Some MLB players must be like, ” I don’t want to play, but I want money,” then they see the name Arte Moreno and all they see is ATM.