*takes a long inhale* “You smell that, Roberta? You, with the yellow-stained armpits and sweatpants, I’m calling you Roberta. That’s baseball you smell. In its infinite complexity and finite simplicity. The foul lines whiter than any Lohan mirror. The grass? Manicured better than any Vietnamese lady could. The object of the game? Accumulate the most stats so I win my fantasy league. Simple, yet complex. Like trying to understand Jeff Foxworthy’s appeal. From today forward, this is our Independence Day (from all that other shizz in our life).” The preceding was Bill Pullman visiting the set of Field of Dreams. To that end, Roberta and your long-flowing sideburns, if the idea is to win saves, that difficulty intensifies when you draft Ken Giles and Luke Gregerson becomes the closer. That’s funny, because the Astros beat writer the other day said GILES IS THE CLOSER. Caps his, not mine. I know how to shut off my caps lock. So, now that GILES IS THE SETUP MAN, I would GRAB Gregerson in EVERY league, though, if it’s competitive, he’s likely GONE by NOW. No idea why Giles is NOT the CLOSER. My GUESS is the Astros went OUT and GOT Giles withOUT their manager, A.J. Hinch, agreeing, so Hinch IS now BEING petulANT. I’d prefer if he were petulANT with A closER I DO NOT OWN. Hey, it looks like I’m typing this on a busted Smith-Corona. Fun. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Domingo Santana – 2-for-5, 1 run as he hit leadoff. The other day I said to my maid, “Graciela, if I wasn’t married, I would tryst it up with you.” Graciela said, “Que?” I said, “You make every day feel like a Sunday.” Graciela said, “Domingo?” I replied, “I love him too. You follow baseball?” Then we shared a glance.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-3 and his 1st home run. Not saying this because I own him in one of my more important leagues, and am not saying this because I just bought 1,000 shares of Vespa stock, but I like Scooter.
Madison Bumgarner – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he pitched with the flu. It looked more like the balls had the flew! Amiright?!
Matt Duffy – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run. Duffy was a weird one this preseason. I didn’t think I loved him that much, but I ranked him on average about 50 spots before others, so you should be the recipient of that.
Denard Span – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Just who I was expecting power from. Now, c’mon, Chris Carter, steal a base!
Tommy Pham – Hit the DL with a strained oblique. Is it me or do you want to spell his name Thommy Pam? Meh, it’s prolly me because no one else actually spells his name except for him.
Aledmys Diaz – Recalled to help man the Cardinals’ hole at short. It’ll never fill the hole in their heart, only Jack Buck, Stan Musial, Darryl Kile, Oscar Taveras–Damn, the Cardinals are bumming me out.
Robert Stephenson – Will start on Thursday for the Reds. I would’ve thought Robert Stephenson would’ve been a Pirate. Or a totally normal doctor by day and a psychopath at night. Though, I guess the latter could be true. Who knows with white guys?! I already gave you my Robert Stephenson fantasy. I wrote it five months ago, but it’s still accurate. Prescient, snitches!
Raisel Iglesias – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looked like Aroldis on the mound, only when Raisel was throwing bullets, it was with his arm. I watched the better part of this game, and Raisel looked like he could be every bit of the ace I imagined in the preseason. Church!
Zack Cozart – 3-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. I go over Cozart in today’s podcast. Stay tuned! Or not. Your choice.
Dalier Hinojosa – Phils manager, Pete Macktheknife, said that the closer could be one of five guys to open the season. I love Macktheknife’s enthusiasm, but for the Phils to use five closers, it would mean they A) Have five relievers. B) Have five games in which they lead. C) There’s no C. D) David Hernandez gave up three earned runs yesterday as he blew the save and is not likely to get the next save chance. E) Learn how to spell Dalier Hinojosa. F) me for not grabbing Dalier in more leagues for a cheap closer. G) Cheap closer in French is Dalier.
Mark Trumbo – 4-for-5 and his 1st steal. Great, now I just need to get power from Denard Span. Hey, wait a minute!
Rougned Odor – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal. Odor stealing bases stinks so good. I’m gonna call him Lavender Odor.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Felix Hernandez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks. This matchup was billed by most major leaguers as F-Her vs. F-Him. “I think Hamels is a good guy.” That was Jonathan Papelbon, the lone voice in favor of Hamels.
Robinson Cano – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. Between this guy and Tulo, you can set your watch by when I’m gonna tell you to sell them in June. Assuming you have a watch with a little hand that reads “Sell Cano” and a big hand that reads “Sell Tulo.”
Kyle Seager – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Seager’s likelihood to have 25 to 26 homers and between a .266 and .268 average is about 99.9%.
Drew Smyly – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Fifteen minute ump delay followed by Smyly getting crushed by a lefty. Unrelated? Please. It was a tough matchup and Smyly’s lack of baserunners say I’m still buying. I’m Buyly! Hmm, needs work.
Danny Farquhar – 1 IP, 0 ER, and came into the 6th inning in a losing game. That doesn’t scream Farquhar’s the closer. It doesn’t even whisper it with dragon breath. The hold on Colome got stronger.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run. Play that funky music, Souza!
Desmond Jennings – 2-for-4, 1 run, one steal and his 1st decent game in three years. Someone has to come out of nowhere and be a hot schmotato. Still too early to say it’s Jennings, but he’s on the right path.
Michael Saunders – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. I have Saunders on one team. I loved him last year; I liked that he looked good in the spring. Still, he’s in a one-week-at-a-time holding pattern on my team. This homer bought him his 2nd week on my team.
Tyson Ross – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. I’ll chalk it up to a bad outing, but a few more and Ross may become a chalk outline on my teams.
Chase Utley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and one slide into home that didn’t cause any rule changes. Everyone on the Dodgers gets a hit in a 15-0 drubbing and Utley is the guy I mention? Well, as you’ll see, I tend to talk about guys that aren’t owned. Adrian Gonzalez (3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) had a great game, but where is he not owned? 3-team leagues? Utley hit leadoff yesterday, and could get a week or two of games while Kendrick is out.
Carl Crawford – 1-for-3, 1 run. Establishing himself on the strong side of the left field platoon while Ethier’s out. Establishing shot of Crawford’s bathroom sink: Metamucil, fiber pills, a picture of Ethier’s leg with an X thru it. Crawford evilly rubs his hands together.
Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 7 ER vs. the Rockies. This game wasn’t in Coors, which doesn’t matter for Arizona. Chase The Pitcher Field is nearly as bad. As I said repeatedly this preseason, it was not a year to get back in on Greinke.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his first homer. He’s a baaaaaaaaahd man.
Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 1 run, which comes out of a spring when he hit over .500. I’ve been a fan of Segura for a while with mixed results on my fandom. Hitting leadoff in a great stadium with a solid team behind him? Wouldn’t shock me if we see the Segura again that was the best shortstop in baseball.
Trevor Story – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and two home runs. The last story with that many dongs and cruelty to the mound was Fifty Shades of Me.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st home run. Even though last year I drafted him in the 2nd round and this year the first, it’s not as rewarding. Why is that? Where’s my Psych 101 terms when I need them?
Ben Revere – Day-to-day with a rib cage injury. Dusty Baker said the injury wasn’t serious and that Revere could “probably throw 12 innings if we needed it.” Michael Taylor would be the add if Revere is out a while, and a pretty sexy add at that.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-3 and the first slam & legs of the season. Is it 2029 yet so he can be overrated?
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Murphy added, “That’s a home run not a homosexual.”
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks as he gave homers to Freddie Freeman (1-for-3) and Adonis Garcia (1-for-3, 2 RBIs). Apparently, Scherzer missed the memo to avoid pitching to those two guys and focus on the other seven. Hmm, do I pitch to Markakis who has, like, five homers in his last 12,000 at-bats or pitch to the guy with power?
Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Fredi Gonzalez, the breaker of bullpen arms, said Arodys Vizcaino is his number one closer option, which, of course, is why he sent Grilli out there for the save in the ninth. I own Vizcaino in a few leagues and Grilli nowhere, so I hope Fredo doesn’t turn on the SAGNOF family.
Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. Could be his last season in the majors since Trump has said he will ban all Muslims and people with Muslimy-sounding last names.
Dexter Fowler – 3-for-4, 3 runs. You ever get to about a game into the season and think to yourself, “Why didn’t I like that guy more in the preseason?” Fowler always seems to elicit that response in me.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks. 108 years down, 5 months and 30 days to go…
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks. His ERA last April was 5.32. His three-average ERA in April is 3.84. Sales heat up around Memorial Day.
Rich Hill – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Don’t worry, if he reaches his seven-year-average for innings pitched in a year, he still has a good 34 innings in him.
Sonny Gray – Could potentially start today after being scratched yesterday with food poisoning. For what it’s worth, Gray’s ability to keep it down did him no good with the seafood stew.