Arrighetti K-arbonara

It’s been said before, but one way to get us to appreciate the Olympics more is to insert one normal person in each event so we can see how much better the Olympians are than the Average Joe. The Pommel Horse Guy looked pretty good, but take an Average Joe out of the crowd and put him on the pummel horse so I can really gauge what’s going on. Swimmers look fast, but throw my ass in there doing the doggy paddle and you’ll really see how fast they are. With that said, Spencer Arrighetti made the Rays look like Average Joes, from the top of the lineup down. Arrighetti threw 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 5.33, and has a 3.41 ERA in his last five starts. His command is poor (4.5 BB/9), but he’s at a 10.7 K/9, which plays with that command. His trouble seems to be homers allowed, and just some overall bad luck with BABIP. Looks like a solid buy low for this year, and moving forward in dynasty leagues. Psst: 2025 sleeper. Now, excuse me, they need me for an archery competition. I’ve never shot a bow and arrow before, but I won’t William Tell if you won’t William Tell. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Lance McCullers Jr. – Won’t pitch in 2024, and will attempt a comeback in 2025. Hopefully it’s a lesson next time someone decides to throw less than 1% fastballs. Dude went five years (though one year was 2020) and threw 22 total fastballs, and those were likely categorized incorrectly.

Triston Casas – Said on Saturday that when he swings it feels like someone is stabbing him in the ribs. Well, OJ’s dead, so we know it ain’t him. In all seriousness, this sounds like something that’s going to plague him until they figure out what is actually going on. I hope it’s before next year, but I’m beginning to be concerned. I dropped him three months ago, so I moved on a while ago for this year.

Tanner Houck – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.09. Making me want to Houck smash my TV. In his first 17 starts through June, he allowed 19 walks. 16 walks since in five starts. He’s clearly not locating any of his pitches. Might be a mechanical thing or that might be bull. He’s home for his next start, that feels like a bit of a do or die shituation.

Jarren Duran – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and double legs (25, 26). Has a legit chance to make it in my top 20 overall for next year. Just needs a solid final two months, then it’ll be hard to deny him. Currently, he sits near a top 10 overall year on the Player Rater.

Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in three games. Wilyer look at that! A schmotato!

David Hamilton – 2-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (6) and double legs (27, 28). Went to look at steals from last year thru this year to see if there were more steals last year thru August 4th, because it felt that way. Well, there was not. About a seventy more steals this year.

Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.09. One love but he was laboring against a pretty terrible team.

Juan Soto – 2-for-3 and his 28th homer, hitting .310. Sexy Dr. Pepper with the pop!

Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.25. “Why would I make a deal with the devil to have a solid season and then tell the devil, ‘Ooh, but let me regress in August?'” That’s Jameson Taillon explaining his success.

Masyn Winn – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in four games, and 3rd homer in a week. That’s one way to Winn!

Tyler Mahle – Will mahke his season debut on Tuesday. What can we expect? A parade in October for the Brewers because I bet money on them to win the World Series in March. What can we expect from Mahle? Oh, well, if it’s anything like his last season, it’ll be freakin’ gorge. If it’s anything like any of his previous six seasons, it’ll be awful. I have very little hope, but am willing to be proven wrong. My guess is, as he returns from Tommy John surgery, a bit less than what we’re seeing from Robbie Ray, and I’m not just saying he’ll wear looser pants.

Evan Carter – Will swing a bat again in 9-10 weeks. Him and Casas feel like they’re on the same timetable. That timetable once housed an alarm clock, but it’s now at a yard sale marked down 75%.

Josh Jung – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 1st homer since, “Oh my God! It’s April 1st and Josh Jung already has two homers! He’s breaking out! This is gonna be incredible! I’m sure he’ll stay healthy!”

Eduardo Rodriguez – Will make his season debut next week. Sad to see him eliminated from the Olympics for his sport, Hide and Seek, but it’ll be nice to have him back. I’d slot him above Mahle, but I really have no idea what we’re going to get from EdRod. Has he even rehabbed in the minors? The answer, I believe, is no.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .300. DBags are a hot hitting team right now from Marte to Perdomo. I refuse to mention Voldemort Corbin.

A.J. Puk – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.13, and the save. Sewald’s out as closer, Ryan Thompson looked to be the new DBags’ closer, then, on Sunday, I watched Thompson, and he does not look like a closer. He might get the job done, but his stuff is on the eh side of meh. Word of the wise though, Puk was brought in to face a lefty, and I don’t know if he’s the closer either. When in doubt, go with the last guy to get a save, so it’s Arange Juice Puk.

Parker Meadows – Activated from the IL this weekend, didn’t play on Sunday, and hitting .146 with a 34% K%? Parker butt on the bench.

Shelby Miller – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.85, as he blew his 6th save. That’s not fair though, only, like, three of them were while he was trying to close.

Hunter Harvey – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.44, and his 1st save. Got the opportunity to close on Saturday, and blew it. Get out of here, Cuddle Boy! McArthur’s a pan in Variety — “Performance is uninspired” — but, Harvey, you’re nothing but McArthur’s blunderstudy! But wait! Critics are reevaluating Harvey after audiences raved, and it’s a hit! Hopefully, with men left on base. Could see grabbing Harvey if he’s available, obviously McArthur sucks.

Max Fried – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.40 as he was activated from the IL. Wonder if he’s going to continue to pitch through this forearm issue for years, and periodically get shut down every few months, or if he’ll stop and have surgery.

Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.46, and his 1st save. Nothing gets between Calvin and the Marlins’ saves.

Jonah Bride – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and all three homers have come in the past week. [humming The Wedding March] Singing, “Here comes the schmotato…”

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.96. If you’re thinking about picking him up: No. Put another way: Nonono.

Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Soriano is Mr. Streamonator, may as well be Streamonatoriano. Or not. Your call!

Ben Joyce – 1 1/3IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.82, and the save on Saturday. After Strickland blew or tried to blow, like, seven of five games straight, Washington finally made the right move. Then called on Roansy Contreras (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.13) to get Sunday’s save. That is absolutely the wrong move. Joyce could be a top five closer the rest of the way if he gets the opportunities. Grab him in all leagues. Grab him in leagues you’re not even in.

Garrett Crochet – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.19. Like Chuck D would say, shut him down! Shut shut shut him down!

Ky Bush – Will be called up by the White Sux to debut on Monday. He has a 6.16 ERA since July 1st in Triple-A. On the bright side, how much worse can the White Sux be?

Simeon Woods Richardson – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.87. This was vs. a team poised to have the longest losing streak in history and that’s your start? Come on, man! BTW, with all this losing and sucking, it’s easy to forget the White Sox are unable to draft higher than 10th overall next year, due to the new CBA rules. A beautiful chef’s kiss. After every White Sox loss, the opposing team should get to dump Gatorade on Grifol’s head.

Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. Has anyone seen Brent Rooker and Babe Ruth in the same room? Mmm-hmm.

Anthony Banda – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.16, and his 1st save.The funniest shizz is the Dodgers spent $2.7 billion this year and don’t have a closer.

Matt Waldron – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.79, as he took on the Colorado Suckies. It’s no exaggeration to say the Rockies and Marlins are as bad as the Shite Sux.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .300. Profar is going to have the worst season of all-time next year. You can’t sell your soul for more than two seasons. Well known fact!

Brenton Doyle – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer, hitting .266. Speaking of terrible 2025 seasons incoming…Nah, I’m kidding. I hope.

Zach Eflin – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Since he was traded to the O’s. Dot dot dot. 3.66 ERA! Woweeweewow!

Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. He’s fallen out of competition for the AL MVP, which is what I say to reverse jinx him into getting hot as the sun. LFG!

Jackson Holliday – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Mean’s while, Mayo’s pulling a Holliday when Holliday was first called up.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .250. He’s like a hot three days away from hitting .260, and people were complaining about his batting average. Shame on you!

Tobias Myers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.02 vs. Mitchell Parker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.06. This matchup was billed as, “I drafted guys like Bobby Miller but I could just be starting schmohawks like this.”

Luis Garcia Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and hitting in the three hole, as he is their best hitter behind Wood and CJ, but you might not know it since Davey platoons him for some reason.

Bryson Stott – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Wow, legitimately thought he retired. Great to see him again! Was he playing in Korea up until yesterday?

Alec Bohm – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Another guy who disappeared. ACKSUALLY, the entire Phils’ lineup disappeared there for a bit. In this game, Kyle Schwarber (3-for-5, 23rd homer) and Bryce Harper (3-for-4, 2 RBIs, 25th homer) both went deep too.

Zack Wheeler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.79. vs. Logan Gilbert – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.05. A matchup of two aces, and a possible World Series preview! Though, we’ll prolly get two random Wild Card teams like the Cards and Royals.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Maybe it’s because he’s in the AL Central, but every time I look at the Streamonator I’m like, “Sweet, another nice matchup for Wacha.”

Matt Chapman – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Just imagining Chapman if he called Cincy home…[wavy lines] Why does Matt Chapman have spaghetti on his head? [wavy lines] Whoa, weird dream.

Tyler Fitzgerald – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and four-bajillionth homer in the last two weeks. Earning the Greatest GOAT of All-Time title, the GGOATOAT.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 4th homer. His dad was one of the best. You might remember him as co-star to Redd Foxx on Sanford & Son.

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.40. Tried to watch this game but it was on something called Roku. I’m reminded of Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle. “What’s a Roku and what if she asks me to do it to her?”

Santiago Espinal – 2-for-4 and a slam (8) and double legs (7, 8). Is this the first year where we have an empty slot for Random Reds’ Outfielder Breakout? Past RROBs include Scott Schebler, Aristides Aquino, Rece Hinds (for literally a week this year), Tyler Naquin, Jake Fraley, and it’s beginning to seem like TJ Friedl.

Hunter Greene – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.83. Friday’s no-hitter guy Blake Snell or Greene next year? Is it close? If it is, why? By the way, the funniest thing ever that Dan Pants mentioned in his Friday post: Snell’s no hitter was the first time he finished eight innings in a game. He has two Cy Youngs and he never got through eight innings before! That has taken up residence in my thoughts for three days. Maybe we should bring the mound in a foot but if you throw more than 85 MPH, you’re charged with a felony.