Call me nuts, but I don’t know about the Red Sox inviting Bryce Harper’s dad and Pete Alonso’s cousin to pitch for them. This doesn’t feel like it’s the smartest move. Oh, just thought of a great idea. For each home run a Red Sox pitcher gives up, whichever cardboard fan gets hit by the gopher ball, they have their mortgage paid off. John Henry prolly never do it because then his net worth might go from $2.6 billion to around $2.599 billion. So, yesterday the Home Run Derby began and ended with Adam Duvall (3-for-4, 5 RBIs) as he hit his 6th, 7th and 8th homer. “Duvall, you are my trusted adviser, and I will call you Constantinople.” “Cut…Okay, that was good, Marlon, but call him Tom and he’s your ‘consigliere.'” Also, in this game, Marcell Ozuna (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 12th homer, and 4th homer in two games. OZUNA love Fenway without fans. OZUNA say no more comment. So, for fantasy, these guys are both who they are, but the moral of this story is Red Sox pitching is the most sucky, and you should stream all hitters you can against them. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Walker Buehler – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “My toenail was bothering me. Sorry, didn’t realize it would be a problem wearing open-toed flip-flops to Joan in Accounting’s funeral.”
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .302. Mookie Best!
Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Top 10 starter in 2021? I think I might rank him in that 8th or 9th starter off the board area, where I say I want him to be my 1st starter, but am just being daft, because he’ll be gone already.
Junior Guerra – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the blown save, ERA at 3.14. Guerra? What’s he good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again! Appears like Guerra is the Diamondbacks’ closer, and, since yesterday’s game was blown due to unearned runs, he’ll likely get another shot.
Elieser Hernandez – Hit the IL with a lat strain. Transformation will have to wait as Elieser continues to doolittle.
Sixto Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.37. The line doesn’t do him justice. Young LaFlame, he is Sixto Mode.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.72. Yes, this game was against the Marlins in Miami, but the move to the AL and throwing in Buffalo Wild Winds Stadium isn’t bothering Ryu at all.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .269. Wasn’t a cheapie off Sixto (yes, I watched this game — how can you not watch Sixto?), and have a feeling I’m going to be writing a Lourdes Gurriel Jr. sleeper post again for 2021. Once bitten, never shy, right?
Mike Yastrzemski – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. He’s been so good he’s made it almost worthwhile learning how to spell his last name. Not sure if you heard, but teammate, Pablo Sandoval, can’t pronounce Yastrzemski so he calls him, Glass-of-whiskey, and, welp, I’ve decided to stan Sandoval forever.
Garrett Hampson – 2-for-34, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in two games. Hitting behind Pillar to block him from Bud Black’s gaze, I’d imagine.
Sam Hilliard – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Bud Black doesn’t deserve these guys.
Daniel Bard – 1 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.94, and the save. Bud Black is given Givens and he taketh away hope of saves.
Aroldis Chapman – Suspended for three games for throwing a 101 MPH pitch at Brosseau’s head, which he says was unintentional. I’m not saying three games is right or wrong, but how did Joe Kelly get suspended for eight games for the same thing? Because he made a face? Manfred is such a joke.
Deivi Garcia – Will start on Friday vs. the O’s. Yup, I’m in. Seriously. What are you waiting for? Let go of that steering wheel, pick up your phone and grab Deivi!
Jordan Montgomery – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.76. Jo-Mama!
Gleyber Torres – Can rejoin the Yankees in two days. Sorry, they have Jordy Mercer now.
Clint Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .294. I don’t want to get greedy, because it took forever for Frazier to get any real looks, but have the Yankees completely forgotten they have Miguel Andujar?
Charlie Morton – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.82, as he was activated from the IL. Pretty iffy on him after his early going was less than desirable. Not saying I wouldn’t own him, but it’s not clear how long it’s going to take him to get to 5+ IP. With the Rays all but a lock for the playoffs, I can’t see pushing him either.
Mike Brosseau – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. “That’s how you put a ball over everyone’s head.” That’s what Brosseau.
Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Randy Arozarena was kidnapped by Nicholas Cage and raised as his own.
Tyler Naquin – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .284. If there’s gonna be an apocalypse, show me some kind of sign from above…*the most random of randoms hit multiple homers* …anything? “You’re useless.” Whoa, there’s someone on my roof talking to me.
Triston McKenzie – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Well, we got a rookie ace named McKenzie. Just not Gore. Are you not entertained? For what it’s Werth, I picked up Triston McKenzie when he was called up and won’t drop him unless he’s bumped from the rotation.
Jorge Soler – Left with oblique soreness. Ya’ll mind if I scream?
Ian Kennedy – Diagnosed with a Grade 2 strain of the calf. That’s a calf that knows how to do basic math.
Keston Hiura – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .229. Haven’t heard anyone talk about this at all, except for me and I’ve mentioned it numerous times now, but Keston’s strikeouts are out of control. Dating back to last year.
Adrian Houser – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.97. Yeah, this guy is a joker and mea culpa. I pushed people to draft him and I wish I never did myself. More like Adrain, amiright? By the by, it’s impressive how awful the Brewers record is considering no one in their bullpen has allowed a hit all season.
Cristian Javier – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.35. How long until Javier is dating Kate Upton? So, Streamonator loved this start, and doesn’t like his next one in Oaktown, but I’m desperate — can you smell it? — and I’m throwing him there.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I saw his home run on Tuesday, and I was like, “Meh, Alex Dickerson is slamming gopher balls like a madman Bill Murray and who’s got time for Brantley?” But two homers in two games has me arching my eyebrow.
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Usually go for lemon potatoes at an Israel Diner-Falefa, but I’d try a hot schmotato.
Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.20. Be nice to go back to July and draft Wheeler late when it was rumored he was going to opt out, and get to live 14 months of 2020. Lowercase yay!
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and three homers in his last five games, but he doesn’t play every day, and you know what you’re getting so yeah.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Between Sixto Mode’s half innings, I flipped back and forth with this game. I was expecting to see Scherzer just not look himself, and, while I’m not exactly Dave Duncan, he looked fine. Only thing I see is his fastball is 95 MPH, which it’s been, but his changeup is 86 MPH vs. 84, and a negative pitch. Bigger the difference, the better, so maybe the grip is off? Maybe he’s not torquing as hard, which sounds like a Disney employee talking to a mechanic working on the Mad Hatter Tea Cup Ride.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, as he was activated from the IL. He was 4-for-22 before being injured, but, don’t worry, he has time for another good 50 at-bats, if he stays healthy. Ha, Donaldson’s gonna end 2020 with less than 100 ABs. Cool year.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .243. He’s fat and hits homers, you know what’s up with Sano. But, real quick, how do the White Sox, the Twins’ opponent, not trade for a cheap vet starter? They couldn’t get Mike Minor? This has to be the most puzzling thing, right? Or am I crazy? Meh, don’t answer the last one.
Jake Cave – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Fun fact! Prior to a name change, Jake’s name was Jake…ake…ake…ake…ake…
Wil Myers – Hit the IL with an undisclosed injury. “What could it be what could it be,” I say to the hummingbird outside my window. The Padres sidelined Tatis and Morejon earlier this year for a few days when they just had the flu, so hopefully it’s nothing else.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .313. His swing change is real and it’s spectacular. He went for a Launch Angle of 2, which is egregious. May as well have been slamming a jackhammer into the ground on each swing. It’s now 9, and his Fly Ball Rate went from 23.1% to 38.3%. He is a 25-homer guy again, and not a 18-homer one.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. New to baseball, who dis?
Ty Buttrey – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.34. I love saves. Love them. I snuggle up to saves at night, and they make things that are too harsh and cold soft and warm. Buttrey’s saves? Not worth this.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .209. The saddest murmur anyone’s ever heard, “Albombso.”
Michael Conforto – 4-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .331. If I drafted Conforto instead of Pete Alonso in all my leagues, I’d be the world’s happiest 5-foot, 6-and-three-quarters inches man. It’s average height! Shut up!
David Peterson – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.03, as he entered in relief. He was moved to the bullpen, so the Mets could put Seth Lugo, their best reliever, in the rotation. Even if you start smart, the process of becoming the Mets manager dumbs you up real good.
Joe Musgrove – 3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.62, as he was activated from the IL. Just in time for the Pirates’ playoffs push.
Colin Moran – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .264. Pirates had their best hitters in the lineup hitting 5th through 9th. Because…Scared of success? I don’t know. Not saying they’re great hitters, but compared to Cole Tucker, Adam Frazier and…Have you seen their lineup? Top four guys have an under-.300 OBP.
Javier Baez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .200. My kingdom for a three-week hot stretch from Baez. Yes, my kingdom includes 200 Gregg Jefferies rookie cards, so?
Jose Quintana – Hit the IL again with lat inflammation. Just opt out, bro. It’s cool, but stop.
Tyler Mahle – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Epitome of a guy who you love owning in an NL-Only league, but can’t stomach in a mixed league. Therefore, T. Mahle goes from epitome to a-pit-in-my-tummy.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .333. What if I told you Brad Miller will be busted for standing on Mike Trout’s shoulders while in his jersey like Vincent Adultman? Would you believe me?
Dexter Fowler – Expected to be out for a few weeks, due to medication he’s taking for a stomach issue. That answers the question around the Cards’ clubhouse. “What is that foul smell?” “It’s been Fowler.”
