The Royals swept the Rays yesterday in a doubleheader, taking down Blake Snell (3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.31). Snell can’t handle the Royals, they can Snell what he’s cooking. As Razzball commenter, tigersharkz said, “Yep, Snell’s fine. Recovering from a broken toe in 10 days happens all the time in real life.” From Young MC’s Bust A Move, “Blake is getting shot down because he’s over-Snellous. …so hey, Reigning Cy, don’t bust a toe.” No foolsies, but pitchers need their toes to push off, and anything can get them out of whack. I’m officially concerned. Of course, the Royals were led by Adalberto Mondesi (3-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (4) and double legs (9, 10) on opposite sides of a doubleheader, hitting .295). Adalberto is my daddy — excuse me, Addadytogrey Mondesi. He’s now on pace for 20/50/.290. Yeah, terrible 2nd round pick. Also, chipping in for the Royals was Kelvin Gutierrez (2-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer). How big is this guy? Have you seen him? He’s like $54 T-bone vending machine steak. (Gonna keep using this until it catches on.) Is he related to The Big FraGu (throwback)? KelGu, take me away. He looks like he should be able to hit 20 homers and steal 10+ bags, but I don’t know if he’ll have the playing time, so best for deeper leagues for now. Terrance Gore keeps hitting (1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .400). I’d like to see Terrance Gore on the Big floor piano. It would be like Jerry Lee Lewis on coke. …Whole Lotta Stealin’ Going On! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jake Junis – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.12. Such an unremarkable start by Junis, for this game and season. In this game, he was just scraping by as the Ks show, and he barely held on by the hair on Matt Garza’s chin. Junis is short for “June is here and I doubt he will be on my roster.”
Jalen Beeks – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Meesa likes Jal-Jal Beeks.
Ji-Man Choi – 1-for-7 and his 2nd homer, hitting .284. Choi looks so comfortable at the plate. But enough about his eating habits.
Daniel Robertson – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .183. The Admiral!
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .234. Boring update for boring player. I dropped him in one shallower league, and am starting to divest, which means he’s about to get hot.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many games. As I was saying yesterday, they come in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.
Christian Vazquez – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .227. I’m in one 15-team, two-catcher ‘pert league where I lost Astudillo to an injury and I was able to pick up Vazquez this week for $4 out of $1000, and I was the only one who bid, so, well, I don’t know.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.08 vs. Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.73, and this game was in Washington. This outcome has the Streamonator getting into a tub with a boombox, which I guess is fine since it’s an all-metal bot itself.
Jose Martinez – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .375. I keep seeing him perform, and waiting for him to steal a base or homer so I can give him a full-throated endorsement, but Iowa’s like 18 months away and I still endorse Jo-Ma.
Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Galaxy Brain: DeGrom pitches better with no run support. Go ahead, prove me wrong! Since I had Anthony DeSclafani going (5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.48), I watched this game and deGrom did look better, velocity-wise. He wasn’t facing the most feared lineup, but I have to think this is a step in the right direction. By the way, I’ve had Anthony DeSclafani going in a few deeper leagues, and have been happy with him. Though (don’t reverse, Grey!), he seems like he’s about to get hurt on every play. Even when he’s in the dugout. In most leagues, I’d use the Streamonator for him.
Cal Quantrill – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was called up. This was, I believe a spot start, and I went over him yesterday. Search the site!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .236. I figured he’d homer more. Ya know, so then he can jog around the bases.
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .263. Not sure why I thought of this right now, but everyone is having a better year than Kris Bryant. Somewhere, a factory in Taiwan makes those fake vomit gag gifts, and occasionally one of the fake vomits looks too real that the company is afraid of a lawsuit, so they throw that fake vomit away. That thrown away fake vomit? That’s Kris Bryant.
Aaron Nola – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.06. Ten baserunners in under six innings against the Tigers at home is not a fire emoji. It’s more like an emoji that can’t find bowling shoes so it bowls in stockinged-feet and drops the balls on its foot.
Hector Neris – 1/2 IP, 0 ER in the 6th inning. Kapler just keeping you on your toes! Like the previously-mentioned emoji!
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .278. Still doing some work as he hits behind Bobo Harper (0-for-4, hitting .231).
Cesar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, and has hit in 16 of his last 19 games, raising his average from .152 to .283. Hot schmotato alert!
A.J. Pollock – Will undergo surgery to have hardware removed from his surgically restructured elbow. Know one piece of hardware they’re not removing? Comeback Player of the Year! The Dodgers said Pollock should return this year, which is code for droppable in all leagues.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.55 vs. Madison Bumgarner – 6 Ip, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.92. This matchup as billed as, “The late game and Grey watches Survivor, but they look in the box score like they did well. Spin rate, amiright?”
Chase Anderson – Missed his start with a lacerated finger. I love me some lacerated strawberries. Mm-mmm!
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Moistasskiss!
Nolan Arenado – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th and 8th homer. Wow, the actual Magna Carta on loan from Salisbury Cathedral in your one-bedroom, five-floor walk-up? How cool! Let’s put it by the window for some light–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Trevor Story – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Mean’s while, David Dahl had the night off when the Rockies score 10 runs. Holy sit! Can managers please not sit my hitters in Milwaukee and Coors?
Raimel Tapia – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .264. Stop making eyes at me, Raimel! You know I have a soft spot for you.
Martin Perez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.41. Look at Martin going against the Astros! Damn, Gina! His Swinging Strike rate is way up; his velocity is way up; my interest is way up. I’m piqued, y’all! I’m between cyclops’ing and picking up in deeper leagues. His numbers don’t scream ace, but they’re whispering, “I’m better than I’ve ever been in my career.”
Carlos Rodon – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.19. Ah, yes, there’s the Rodon we know and I hate.
Steve Wilkerson – 3-for-9, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2). Steve Wilkerson did well hitting in front of Richie Martin and behind Joey Rickard. At least a dozen of you reading this think I’m making up these names. Please, I would never. If I were going to make up names, I’d say something silly like Anthony Santander hit a home run.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-3 and his 6th homer. And he has the same body type as Vlad Guerrero Jr., so how exciting!
Ty Buttrey – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save, ERA at 1.13. *rips of Angels’ closer lottery tickets, throws them out window, police officer writes ticket for littering* I don’t know guys and five girls. Hansel Robles did get the save the night before, but should’ve been able to go in this game. Guessing now this is a straight committee — what a pity.
Corey Kluber – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.80, and fractured his ulna bone on a comebacker. You say ulna, I say forearm; let’s call Kluber off the field for six to eight weeks. A better, less guessy, timetable will likely arrive today. For those of you using bamboo straws after going green and are slow on the uptake, it’s not good news.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in three games, hitting .323. Holy schmotatoes/schmotahtoes doode’s hot/hawt.
Caleb Smith – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.00. May is national Is That Kale In My Salad? Month with the spokesperson, Cale B, the twerking leafy green.
Ketel Marte -2-for-2, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .263. Reminds me of owning Tim Beckham. There might be better guys out there from game to game, but Marte is not the reason you’re not doing better in your leagues.
Luke Voit – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer as he bats 2nd, hitting .277. I have a wild idea. No, not my idea for foam parties but with cappuccino. That’s good, though. I’m talking about batting Voit third. Wild, right?
Javier Baez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .314. Still waiting for the moment to hit me when I’m like, “Oh, yeah, that’s why everyone but me was saying he’s not a 1st round pick.”
Willson Contreras – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .301. Going into yesterday’s game Contreras and the opposing pitcher, Marco Gonzales (1 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.28) were next to each other on our Player Rater. Now? Marco…? So low.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. HR to the Izzo!
Jon Lester – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.73. Welp, I need to look at his stats. Actually, mansplainly, his peripherals are solid. They’re the best they’ve looked in about three years. No, he’s not a 1.73 ERA pitcher, but he should be a low-3.00 ERA pitcher.
Jose Leclerc – Chris Woodward, the Rangers manager and singer of Higher Love and Roll With It, said Leclerc is out as Rangers closer. In other groundbreaking news, Water said, “I’m wet.” Since Woodward has a thing for the Finer Things and being Back In The High Life Again, and is totally Steve Winwood, he could opt for Chris Martin, owner of an Apple, but kinda sucks or Shawn Kelley, who used to be banned from spending time with youngsters when he went by S. Kelley. If you followed all of this, we’re soulmates. Please put your contact info in the comments and we will date secretly. I’d go Kelley, then Martin for saves.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .330, and three homers in last five games. When Choo gets going, there’s no stopping this train, except his 20-homer threshold.
Danny Santana – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .355. Dannys Antana is the type of hot schmotato that you can ask me if you should pick him up, and maybe you should pick him up, but kind of a scrubmarine and I’ll likely tell you to pick up the other guy if you give me Antana and one other choice.
Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs, hitting .414, and homered the day before. Deadpool’s got a hot schmotato alert!
Nick Burdi – Seeking a third opinion on his arm pain. His little kid should just whisper his status in his ear.