Let’s see, all rise for the Judge. Can I get a witness for Judge? Judge, jury and executioner of fastballs. This is one Judge who should never see the bench. There’s a ten from the East German for Judge! Well, you can be the Judge of that, not really tho. You can Judge a book by how hard he knocks the cover off the ball. And, of course, five minutes to Judge Mollywhopper. All right, all right, enough. Yesterday, Aaron Judge went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs with his 47th and 48th homer, as he hits .281. I don’t want to have to bring out the caps, but he’s a ROOKIE. *inserts meme of white guy blinking* He has the rookie record for walks, within one of the rookie record for home runs and the first player with 200 Ks and a .262+ average in baseball history. I looked through the last 120 years of baseball for a comparable year, and I found Mike Schmidt’s best year and a not-yet-white Sammy Sosa. So, a Phillie hero and vitiligo. In the 2nd half, Judge ‘only’ has 18 homers, and increased his K-rate to 32.9% from 29.8, only hitting .213. In 2018, there’s going to be huge risk and reward when drafting Judge. I’d be shocked if he falls further than the top 15 overall, so you’re gonna have to gamble that he won’t hit 40 HRs with a .240, and be essentially Khris Davis. Either way, it’s gonna be tough to Judge. Ugh. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.31. The Yanks are likely going to lean heavily on Gray in the playoffs like an 80-year-old Big Daddy’s Cane, so Gray’s next matchup isn’t terrible, but he may only go 4-5 IP.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4, 2 runs, and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in as many games. Hey, Hunter Renfroe, go eat a D, Teoscar is my new main squeeze! I don’t know how long Teoscar going to keep this streak going, but he only needs to stay hot for another week. Grab him everywhere!
Miguel Cabrera – Likely done for the year as he was diagnosed with two herniated discs. Surprised by the discs, I figured Miggy was so old he was still on analog.
Eduardo Escobar – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 20th homer. Twins offense in the 2nd half has been no joke. They’re currently ranked 2nd in the major leagues for runs after the break, and are only two runs behind the Cubs in first. Continued in next blurb.
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 12th homer. The best hitter is usually the three hole hitter, on the Twins yesterday, that was Polanco. I don’t think it’s a Star Mitzvah, but he’s definitely been productive.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Left after 2 1/3 IP when he was hit in the forearm by a Joe Panik comebacker. I guess Joe figured his last name was enough of a distress signal, but Ryu didn’t heed it. Ryu sounds fine, but he’s also likely done until the postseason.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.21. Ha, and this was an off year. Big weekend for the Dodgers: Kershaw looked like his dominant self, Dodgers clinched the division and Lasorda turned 90, or pithier, Hasta L.A. Pasta NL West.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.32. I still maintain he should’ve been shut down six weeks ago to rest for next season, but I am just a poor boy, nobody loves me, Scaramooch, Scaramooch, get movie tix off Fandango.
Jhoulys Chacin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 hit), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.98, home ERA at 1.79 in 100 1/3 IP! That’s not a Hodgepadre, THIS IS A HODGEPADRE!
Wil Myers – 2-for-4 and his 29th homer, hitting .245. I was corrected (chastised?) the other day for leaving Myers off the list of 20/20 NL players with Pham. That was my b. Though, even Padres fans forget about the Padres. Since then, Keon Broxton has joined that exclusive group. A who’s who like that book your parents paid $75 for you to get mentioned in during high school.
Christian Villanueva – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd home in the last week. Christian Newtown appears to be a hot schmotato, God bless you if you pick him up, especially if you sneeze while grabbing him.
Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 36th homer, hitting .326. In one of the lesser known storylines of the year and in a year with insane offense, Chazz Noir is about to win the honors for the number one player on the Player Rater. The award comes with $25 gift certificate to Red Robin and a phone call from me. You lucky son of a bitch!
Taijuan Walker – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER (4 unearned runs), ERA at 3.54. Holy box scare, Batman! Is it me (it’s not me), or did the entire Diamondbacks’ rotation disintegrate in the last five days?
Patrick Corbin – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.09 as he was outpitched by the usually a homeschooler, Dan Straily – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.08. This was a matchup billed as “Dan/Patrick is en fuego.”
Jose Martinez – Diagnosed with a sprained thumb. That likely ends his season. Too bad, he was one of the few random Cardinals karma chose to highlight this year. Next year, it will be three other random Cards, as DeJong, and Pham struggle out of the gate and end up on the bench by May.
Lance Lynn – 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 3.47. Who sells their soul for a pristine ERA for the entire season except the final week? Was there some kind of fine print that said you can have a great ERA the whole summer, and then when it turned to autumn, he got lit? Why didn’t the Regression Fairies wait to put their well-manicured hands on him next year? In the name of Giancarlo, WHY?!
Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.23. Way to pitch to the score! I’d contend Cole feels like he pitches much worse than his ERA ends up. Not exactly how to pitch like an ace, as defined in Ray Searage’s book, “I Fixed Juan Nicasio For 27 IP In March/April Of 2016, And Fixed Ivan Nova For 73 IP In 2017.”
Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.62. I’ll likely be back in on Taillon next year, but don’t trust him at all for his last start. May the Schwartz be with his space and ball.
Starling Marte – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. This schmohawk seems to be going out of his way to have the most grating season ever. First, the suspension, then the bleh play, now, he says he’s done for the year the day before he has one of his best weeks of the season. That’s Marte’s forte, or simply Farte.
Jose Quintana – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.50 on Cubs, and 4.06 overall. Solid way to end a less-than-solid season. He’s scheduled for one more start, but I’d be shocked if it’s anything more than a three inning-turn-over-to-the-bullpen affair. Which is the least sexy affair ever.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.39. Teheran went from Bombs over Baghdad in the 1st half of the season to a free, capitalist society that occasionally gets rocked by global shifts in the economy in the 2nd half, i.e., Teheran’s 2nd half ERA was 3.87. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his last start of the year, but I could see it being decent.
Matt Boyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.12. Look at Matt Boyd going from Flava Flav’s favorite starter to the world’s best streamer in two weeks. His last start of the season will be a game-time decision depending on the Royals’ lineup and their wont/need to win.
Dylan Bundy – Scratched yesterday with a strained hamstring. Yeah, sure. This is like when you get a stomach flu the day of an exam you didn’t study for. The school nurse is rolling her eyes at Bundy.
Chris Archer – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.22. I blame the Tim Beckham trade.
Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer. So hard to recommend someone who goes 1-for-5, even if it’s with a home run, and that home run was in the 1st inning, but, ya know, last week of the season so we’re clutching at straws like someone drinking Capri Sun.
Jharel Cotton – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.58. Was bummed when he was scratched in his last start vs. Buck Farmer because of the Cotton/Farmer puns — How often do I get a chance to work in someone farming Fruit of the Looms?! — but Jharel came up big yesterday. His last start is an avoid, however, and you can drop him.
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer, and 2nd in as many games. 2nd straight year for 40+ homers for Davis, and I bet next year he will once again be underrated. I get the drag on average, but, on our Player Rater, he’s still a top 40 player overall.
Noah Syndergaard – 1 IP, 0 ER. Sweet! Mets fans have to be happy with that confidence builder going into the offseason. I mean, one whole inning since April? What could go wrong in 2018 now?
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.55 vs. Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Just the way their H2H owners drew it up. Unless they dropped Scherzer when he was hurt earlier this month and deGrom when he was ineffective, then that’s why their ex-owners are sitting in their car sobbing.
Bryce Harper – Will return today to make baseball great again (in his own mind). “In his own mind” is the fortune cookie ending for millennials.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 23rd and 24th steal. Been putting the hot schmotato label on this guy for the past two weeks. That’s a lot of hot takes.
Lucas Giolito – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.38. I’m going to go out on a 100-year-old oak and say someone not named Albright will be drafting Giolito before me next year. Unless Madeline Albright drafts him in her league.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .331. Appears that Avisail is going to finish 2nd in the AL batting race, which is about 78 spots higher than I would’ve guessed.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Damn, Ed-Rod makes me want to jump on the couch and tell Oprah how much I love some girl my manager arranged for me to marry. The Stream-o-Nator does hate his last start of the year, and I wouldn’t touch him.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in the past three games. Aw sookie sookie, someone’s coming out of their couple-week-old slump. If someone dropped him, he’s worth getting back in on for the our final week.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 59th steal. His last four year stolen base totals: 56, 57, 58, 59, which means, in the year 2200, he’s going to steal 242 bases!
Justin Upton – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (35) and legs (12). Everyone who suffered through past seasons of Upton, failing to live up to expectations, it was because you owned him. Sorry, just being real with you.
Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.63. It’s gonna be a lot of “What does the Stream-o-Nator say about so-and-so’s last start of the year,” because that’s where we’re at at (stutterer!) this point. As I said in Friday’s Sell, if it’s a bad last start you need to move on with the quickness of Rza dropping a ninja reference.
Lance McCullers – 3 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.01. This guy is so injury prone, I’m gonna start calling him, Paxton South.
George Springer – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 33rd homer, hitting .284. I own him, so I’m being honest when I say I can’t believe he’s hitting for that high of an average still. I feel like he’s had two hits this 2nd half. One in July, and one yesterday.
Jean Segura – Dealing with sprained middle finger. An injury that often plagues truck drivers.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (29) and legs (16), hitting .317. There’s a case to be made that he’s a top 15 pick next year. Zoinks!
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.27. Marla Gibbs would be so proud of that ERA. If I win my RCL league, Kluber had a big part in that, so I will send him a picture of me holding up my virtual trophy.
Carlos Santana – Had precautionary x-rays done on his shoulder. Imagine someone you knew had precautionary x-rays. You’d think they were a hypochondriac. How about a precautionary test for scurvy? After all, you do refuse a lime wedge with your margaritas.
