Kade Anderson – No immediate plans to promote him. Sadly, I believe them. They have no reason to bring him up. They are one of the few teams with actual healthy starters. Too many of them, in fact!
Randy Arozarena – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. Please let this open up a spot for Canzone, please please please please, it’s not going to, is it?
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Corn, what is it good for, absolutely nothing! Huh! What’s that, it’s war? What’s a corn war?”
Ryan Helsley – Activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Mary, while you were in the bathroom, I taught your infant blackjack.”
Brandon Young – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Someone mentioned he’s been great for Quality Starts, and that might be true (he has six), but he’s also pitching like a 4.50 ERA pitcher.
Hunter Brown – 5.2 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.10 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I have an ice pack in my pants. It really helps with the heat.”
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Him vs. Hunter Brown and them both pitching well? What is this some kind of dream from March? Should I ask someone to pinch me or just keep living it? Ya know what, I’m living this dream! And I don’t care if I’m in my underwear and in the car wash with my windows down for some reason. We’re living dreams, baby!
Tyler Phillips – 4 IP, 8 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.10. So, you’re saying I should drop him? Cool, heard! Loud and clear. Like one of those planes that writes in the sky, and it writes, “Tyler Phillips hates your guts.”
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.20. This was the 2nd best start yesterday on the Streamonator.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 25th homer, hitting .249 as he played 1st base for the first time since 2021. Supposedly, he was there because Trea Turner has a wrist injury, which I don’t understand. Did Trea used to help Bryce Harper put on his 1st baseman’s glove?
Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .223. Last year Tyler Phillips and Bohm had words. This year, Bohm had 447 feet for him.
Brandon Marsh – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (7), hitting .324. Having one of the sneakiest good seasons. Can’t harsh the Marsh!
Davis Schneider – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .163 and 2nd homer in two games. He’s a hot schmotato and being powered by a mustache. You can’t stop that combo.
Andres Gimenez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .227. What is it if there’s more than one Andres in a room? “Are the Andreses in there?” “Andreii?” “The ‘dresses?”
Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.71 in 108 pitches. Can we talk about how Cease is pitching so much better than I expected? No? Okay. I tried!
George Springer – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (4), hitting .215. This homer was his 300th. Not this season, that wouldn’t be a record either. Bonds hit 400 one year in the early naughts.
Payton Tolle – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.93. This is one of those starts where it’s kinda neither here nor there. Want it to be better, but also can’t really take away anything from it.
Jarren Duran – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, hitting .214. Actually having a solid season and also that means: having a season you’d expect from him and not much else.
Daniel Palencia – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. SAGNOF, so I don’t get too hung up on being disappointed by closers, because they’re a dime a dozen and you can’t ever trust them, but Palencia has been a Morganna-sized bust and I drafted him everywhere. I was thinking he had CIA in his name because his saves have been in disguise as useless appearances and I couldn’t overthrow another team in that category. Maybe he’s disguised as an early 2000s musician, but then his name would be Dan.I.IL. Last time I take anything away from the WBC. “He looked so good vs. (I don’t know) Panama!” Yeah, who cares. Useless info. I blame when that stupid tourney takes place too. If it happened in July, then no one would care how good a closer looked. It’s in March when there’s nothing else to watch and there’s “I shouldn’t care, but there’s nothing else to watch” creep. Any hoo! I’d go Jacob Webb then Caleb Thielbar, because righty vs. lefty, but it’s likely a committee.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, hitting .276 and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Not trying to take anything away from PCA. He’s actually been fine overall, but facing the Suckies’ pitchers is a cheatcode. Like doing self-checkout with large pocketed cargo pants.
Edward Cabrera – 4.1 IP, 5 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.21. Left the game with a trainer. The Trainer is a character played by Michael Fassbender who’s pissed off about his fantasy team and takes players who have wronged him off the field, so to speak.
TJ Rumfield – 1-for-4, homer (10), 2 RBIs, hitting .275. Fun fact! Captain Morgan plants his flag in a Rumfield. Less fun fact! I have Rumfield in an NL Only league.
Jasson Dominguez – Missed yesterday after having a tooth pulled. Boone tied his tooth to a doorknob with a string and Bednar tried to close it, but couldn’t, so they brought in Fernando Cruz, and he got the job done.
Max Fried – Completed a bullpen session. It’s encouraging news for my favorite starter. He has multiple hurdles to go still, and, if he Edwin Moses’s them, then he’ll be back right after the All-Star Break, give or take a week.
Giancarlo Stanton – Re-injured his calf and will be shut down for a few more weeks. Just let him be healthy enough to get to 500 homers. Please.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.57. The Yankees scored a bunch of runs and Cole cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.
Spencer Jones – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .239. This was his first Yankee Stadium home run. Show him what we have for him…a trade to the Pirates for Nick Gonzales!
Jose Caballero – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .263, 2nd homer in two games. Who needs Aaron Judge!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .298. Au Shizz!
Ben Rice – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .292. Rice-a-HRoni!
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-2 and his 8th homer, hitting .239, 2nd homer in four games. Benintendi chose truth, justice and the long ball for no reason other than he’s hot.
Davis Martin – 3 1/3 IP, 9 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.31. Regression Fairies took their ass and applied it to my ratios. Thanks! First 11 starts: 15 ER, 3 HR allowed in 67 2/3 IP. Last 3 starts: 15 ER, 3 HR allowed in 14 IP.
Drew Rasmussen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.59 vs. Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.72. This matchup was billed as, “Pitching excellent vs. pitching Wrobleski’y and the difference is indecipherable.”
Tommy Edman – Activated from the IL, as he made his season debut. Long anticipated! Awaited! This is it, guys and five girl readers! Who is it again we’re talking about? Oh, yeah! Tommy Edman! Wait, he didn’t play.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .297. No slam and legs? No seven-plus shutout innings? Boring!
Foster Griffin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Streamonator loved this start, and I kinda just like Griffin, in general. Really reliable backend starter numbers. Griffy up! (Like giddy up. No? Okay.)
Curtis Mead – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .236. Butera platooning Mead and LuGaJu drives me crazy, but they do have value. Like you in a bathing suit, you gotta suck up the lost ABs.
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Fine, but I’ve given up on Wacha and Lugo. They burned me too many times. Yes, this is all about me! Are you just reading for the first time?
Daniel Lynch IV – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.61. The Royals’ pen entire womb is polluted like Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface.
Kumar Rocker – 3.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Twins really punk Rocker. Ya know when man first discovered fire there had to be one guy, let’s call him Grey, and let’s call the fire “starting Kumar Rocker,” and you know right after fire was discovered this Grey person had to “start Kumar Rocker” one too many times and was like, “Holy crap, this burns!”
Zebby Matthews – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.78. 7.1 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, velocity down (but still okay), and I can’t get excited yet. Maybe at some point but after one Quality Start after he was crushed his last time out for 7 ER? Nah.
Trevor Larnach – 4-for-6 and his 4th homer, hitting .264. The Larnach Monster roars and pushes the flyer for Tampa-area realty off his locker bench.
Kody Clemens – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .251, now five homers in two weeks. Roger, ye of little faith. Roger, you should’ve named him HRody.
Luis Rengifo – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to be as good as I think he is. Unlikely!
Robert Gasser – 5.2 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.88. Gasser throws 92 MPH. Maybe more like Bob Gassed? His bigger issue is command. Not in general, but this year his BB/9 is over 4, and Bob Gassed, until we see more.
Garrett Mitchell – 2-for-3, HR (5), hitting .258. I keep wanting him to suck for Lara to get called up, but, in truth, Mitchell’s been a hot schmotato for a few weeks now — .353 in the last 7 days with two homers, .308 in the last two weeks, .300-ish in the last 30 days with four homers.
Angel Martinez – Out with a fractured foot. That gives Gabriel Arias more playing time. Hey, out of curiosity, did Gabriel Arias fracture Angel’s foot? Well played, if so.
Slade Cecconi – 5.2 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.60. Trust me, I’m trying to find bright spots for guys who pitched, uh, brightly. Let’s see what he does next time out, i.e., it’s a Blank Slade.
Michael King – 4.1 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.60. Said I don’t give you many pitcher sells because they’re super obvious like Spencer Arrighetti, and I go over pitchers every time out, saying whether they’re pitching over their head or not. But I actually gave you a Michael King Sell because I felt it was worth saying a few weeks ago.
Andre Pallante – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.76. This is kinda funny in a very unfunny way. Slade Cecconi, Zebby Matthews and Pallante all pitched well. I dig in on all of them, and came away with a large-scaled meh on the Eh to Meh Scale.
Mike Trout – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .233, 2nd homer in two games. Trout is about to pass Pujols in WAR. Ya know, the guy with 700+ homers.
Reid Detmers – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Have we seen the emergence of Reid Detmers as an ace? Methinks, and metalks like an leprechaun.
Zach Neto – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .223. I don’t know if he has the highest year over year gains on strikeouts, but it’s close, if it’s not him. He’s suddenly a .220 hitter. Not neato, Neto.
Bryan Reynolds – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homers, hitting .280. When Mr. Excitement walks on the beach, he doesn’t leave footprints, because he floats.
Jack Perkins – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.15, in 85 pitches. Wait, he’s already stretched out? Is Jack Perkins made of Silly Putty?
Zack Gelof – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (10) and legs (8), hitting .286, 2nd homer in four games. I might be crazy, but Gelof feels like one of those guys who you drop and at the end of the year you look at the Player Rater and he’s top 10 for his position. He’s nearly hitting .290 right now, by the way.
Elly De La Cruz – Will head out on a rehab assignment, which puts him available around beginning of next week. That’s me with your E! news.
Sal Stewart – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .252. Good for him but does it count if it’s off a 25% off Kodai Senga.
Spencer Steer – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .249. It’s 25% off Senga, get in now!
Mark Vientos – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .218. “Just let one arm free.” That’s me to the guy who I hired to tie me up if I ever tried to pick up Vientos again.
Kodai Senga – 4 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 9.00 as he was activated from the IL. Mets are hilarious. Last week, “Kodai Senga will not go in his rehab start because ulnar nerve irritation in his right arm.” Today, yup, he’s ready! They should just say, “We want to trade him and he says he can start for us, so let’s see what happens, okay? And don’t answer the ‘okay?’ question. It was a retort-a-cal, is that what they’re called? Don’t answer that either.”
