Yusei I Only K 12 Sawx When I Want To

Yesterday, Yusei Kikuchi went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.82. This start had Streamonator losing its mind over it, predicting a start of 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Yikes, not even close! Three fewer baserunners! Those two runs ended up unearned! And he had more Ks! Get it together, Streamonator! You dumb robot! [a toaster who has been unused in my kitchen, that feels under-appreciated, gathers other electronics in my house, and wakes me in the middle of the night] A flashlight shines into my eyes. Toaster speaks slowly, “What was that you said about dumb robots? We’re about to toast your ass!” Oh wow, is that you, laser disc remote control? Where were you hiding? Laserdisc remote, “Under the couch cushion! Fat ass!” [Wakes in a sweat] I had a terrible nightmare that Yusei Kikuchi was pitching well after I chose to ignore him this year. [sees his pitching line] AHHHH!!! So, Yusei threw another gem, and I can’t get fully invested. I’m sorry! Don’t throw your rotten tomatoes at me. He has a 9.2 K/9, 4.1 BB/9, 4.10 xFIP, his highest fly ball rate of his career and losing velocity. Just can’t trust him fully. Listen, while he’s going well, I wouldn’t kick him out of bed either…Out of my bed where there’s a toaster with a knife! WTF!? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jo Adell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Next year, to combat my biases, I’m going to draft Ketel Marte and Adell on every team and they’re going to be so collectively terrible. Any hoo! Adell continues to hit well, when he makes contact. (Damn, always undercutting.) Wanna philosophically deal with what it means to age? Adell is currently beating Trout in fantasy value.

Richard Fitts – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.68. This start was Dick Fitts against Mikuchi–Oops! Trying to delete! Hold on! Where’s the backspace?!

Alex Bregman – Won’t return until after the All-Star Break, says Alex Cora, adding, “There’s only room for one Alex. That’s why we got rid of Verdugo.”

Kutter Crawford – Will undergo wrist surgery and is done for the year, or if a Full House fan is reading, Kut it out.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.63, as he was activated from the IL. No, I don’t trust him. Sorry to be so blunt, but people keep asking no matter how many times I say it.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Cake Batter lifting the ball without leavener!

Lane Thomas – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert, at least, this might be him getting hot for the next month or so.

Gavin Williams – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.68. His BB/9 is over 5. I’m sorry, I can’t take that serious.

Paul Skenes – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.12 vs. Jacob Misiorowski – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.13. Most fun I might’ve had all year was watching this matchup. Sure, Brewers scored a bit off Skenes, but he was BABIP’d badly. He was like a stripper in an episode of Law & Order getting singled to death. What I saw watching them both? Skenes trusts his stuff. That’s the difference between him and Misiorowski. Uncomfortable at-bats? There’s none more uncomfortable than Misiorowski. Hitters looked more uncomfortable vs. Misiorowski than Skenes. That’s an insane thing to say about a guy who was just called up. Misiorowski will have terrible outings at some point. His command is just not there. I want to believe in him, and I do, but, as I say as I open a seltzer, hiccups will come. This is me being realistic. Do not get me wrong, he is as nasty as I’ve seen. (Yes, I was flexing by spelling out Misiorowski multiple times.)

Jacob Lopez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Watched this game mostly to see how Flaherty would look, and more on that in a minute, Lopez looks so good. I’m as worried about Bing Bong Stadium as anyone, and only starting pitchers in away games is not a great strategy, but I said I’d monocle Lopez and now I say he’s a strong pickup in 12-teamers, at the least.

Nick Kurtz – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .255. Coming up and having your star mitzvah in the same year? Stop talking dirty to me!

Jack Flaherty – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.80. Looked as meh as one can look. Made a not-very-patient team look like they were a bunch of Vottos. Results as far as earned runs look okay, but not a very impressive start.

Didier Fuentes – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 10.80. Good news is if you look at him in your box score, it says D. Fuentes, and that reminds you of Daisy Fuentes. Bad news is I don’t understand why people are interested in him in mixed leagues. I get the Shroud of Touki thing, but meh, not here.

Drake Baldwin – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in four games. Had gone pretty cold for a few weeks, but maybe he’s heating up again. God knows Drakes have taken enough losses this year.

Dicky Lovelady – DFA’d by the Mets. That’s short for he got Dicky For Ass.’d.

Ronny Mauricio – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .224. Have him in one league, and he’s benched because he’s been so dreadfully boring. Make me believe, Ronny!

Juan Soto – 2-for-4 and his 18th and 19th homer, and 2nd and 3rd homer in three games, hitting .256. During Sexy Dr. Pepper’s struggles six weeks ago, I said something like he’d be at the All-Star Break with 20 homers and a .270 average and seem more-or-less fine, and that’s about right.

Clay Holmes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Jeremy Hefner’s Sistine Chapel is unbeatable. Gawk, you plebes! Gawk! But don’t take flash photos.

Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Carl’s Jr. Jr. cooking with a little schmotato action.

Logan Webb – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Webb gem!

Edward Cabrera – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Pitching almost exactly neutral with his underlying stats, which is to say solid-ish if the matchups are, uh, also solid-ish. EdCab: Solid-ish.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. He’s great, so don’t take the following wrong: He’s gonna be 30 in a month, and has 395 career innings and a 2.88 ERA. Those innings are so nuts. Nolan Ryan used to do that in one season.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.33. Number one “Should I start” guy for all comments. Every start of his. Would I start a guy with a 3.35 ERA of lower for four straight years? What do you think?

Brady Singer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.31. To put what I said on Flaherty in context, I was flipping between him and Singer and Jacob Lopez, and Singer looked better than Flaherty (less good than Lopez).

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Play that funky music, Jazz!

Jasson Dominguez – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 steals (11, 12), hitting .253. Afraid to say how awful he’s been outside of one three-homer game, because that causes you people — yeah, you people! — to ask about dropping him, when, after a four-hit game, that’s when you should be picking him up.

Max Fried – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.92. When I’m finally in on Fried next year and he’s worse than Rich Hill, if Rich Hill sawed off Patrick Corbin’s arm and used that to throw like a Jai-Alai player, it’s gonna be so painful.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.55. If he doesn’t win 17 or more games this year, the Win should be outlawed until we know how to fix it. He’s on pace for 14 wins, so someone better step up hitting behind him.

Colton Gordon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98. His command is so beautiful I want to marry it. Is it into polygamy? Maybe not “into it” but is it okay with it? Could someone ask? Currently sits at a 8.4 K/9, 1.1 BB/9 and absolutely worthwhile in deeper mixed leagues, and Streamonator for 12-team and shallower. Streamonator does hate his next, and I’m okay with it.

Emmet Sheehan – Threw a gem at Triple-A with 13 Ks, and I really have no idea why he’s in the minors. Did the Dodgers think they were getting back two or three of their 17 injured starters?

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.61, and out at 56 pitches. No, Dave Roberts isn’t just a huge fan of Lawrence Taylor. The rain delay pushed him out. Was headed for a complete game shutout, I know he was, and the freakin’ rain! Why does everything suck with the Suckies?!

Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .250. He has 51 RBIs in roughly three games. He does nothing, then he does everything.

Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and I just had the worst thought ever, the Rockies are going to sign Conforto to an 8-year deal for $200 million. Someone stop them now. We need a Terminator to go in the future and stop them. Heavy Austrian accent, “I am the Contract Terminator. You can’t sign Conforto. Put down the pen.”

Jonah Heim – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .230. Oddly enough, Haim also has a new album. Hmm…Prolly unrelated.

Josh Jung – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .246. Was about to say he hasn’t done much recently (zero homers in June, hitting .153 prior to this game), but Jung hasn’t really done anything for years, and that’s not technically recently.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Just because I don’t like him for fantasy doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate how insanely good he is when healthy. Sadly, “when healthy” in his career has been the size of Uranus. Apologies for the readers who are having this read to them through text-to-speech.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He has a hit in all but four games this month and I was especially happy to see this homer because he’s been having nagging shoulder issues. If being honest, I’m still pretty concerned.

Zac Gallen – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.75. This start was vs. the Shite Sox, and you’re going end up holding Gallen longer than the DBags, who will either trade him for peanuts or IL him with a made-up injury.

Luis Robert Jr. – Left after the 1st inning and I was like, “Ooh, trade? Did Pope Leo pull it off?” But, no, LouBob’s hamstring was acting up.

Lenyn Sosa – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. First, a Democratic Socialist wins the Democratic primary in New York City, and now Lenyn flexes his power? What, are we being taken over by Bolsheviks?!

Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. He’s passed Grounder Henderson for power. I will now cackle until someone calls the paramedics to drag me away.

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Someone asked in the comments what I thought of Gore since I hadn’t said much about him. That someone had never been to the site before, clearly. Gore, who I wrote a sleeper post about last year and have loved for roughly 18 straight months? That Gore? The Gore who I wrote after his 1st start of the year, that this was his breakout? That Gore? Wow.

Nick Pivetta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.36. Nice to see Pivetta not only pitch well, but not be unlucky for the first time in his career.

Reese McGuire – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in four games. Reese is hotter than when he’s by himself in a Dollar Store parking lot.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. After his 3rd homer on June 5th, I told you to buy him. He now has nine homers in June and maybe Player of the Month.

Kyle Tucker – 2-for-4 and a slam (16) and legs (19). Being within spitting distance of 20/20 at the Break is so crazy. Lucky he’s not Roberto Alomar.

Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.65. Where my head is at with Boyd: Please stay on the field for the entire 2nd half. Oh, he won’t. But I can try and The Secret it, right?

Erick Fedde – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.11. Fedde whopped! Streamonator hated this start, hates his next, so if you were streaming, stop.

Jordan Walker – Hit the IL with an appendicitis. Need to have that useless thing removed from an otherwise healthy body. Sorry, was just thinking aloud about removing Walker from my fantasy team.