At first, it was reported that Alberto Callaspo rejected the trade to the Dodgers. Leaving Alex Guerrero (1-for-2) to stare at Callaspo’s smugshot-slash-you mad bro? face. Then, later in the evening, Callaspo apparently approved the trade of him going to the Dodgers and Juan Uribe heading the other way. A commenter mentioned how in the preseason, the management didn’t have faith in Mattingly to start Pederson, so they traded away Kemp. It’s a fun theory. One that might have a morsel of truth, but I think this trade might backfire. Here’s a scenario for our five girl readers: imagine you were trying to get your man to change their yellow-pitted t-shirt, so you remove all the stained t-shirts from their hamper and throw them away, even his Bob Marley Buffalo Soldier t-shirt. When he realizes all his stained shirts are gone, what does he do? Does he wear the new shirts you bought him? Or does he scribble an oddly racist-looking Bob Marley on a hand towel and tape it to his chest? Mattingly could play Alex Guerrero at third with Uribe gone, but Justin Turner had started at 3rd base five times in the last week, not Guerrero, even with Uribe still in LA, and Callaspo is a 3rd baseman. So Uribe’s gone, but I think Mattingly just wears a masking-taped, hand towel now. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 3.86. On this week’s podcast, we talked mostly about my love of the movie Beaches, but we also touched on Kershaw’s ability to rebound, i.e., last night was the first step.
Adrian Gonzalez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. When I told you to sell him almost four weeks ago, he had 8 HRs. Yup.
Julio Teheran – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Rudy nailed the pitchers to avoid this year. Not much else to say.
Cody Allen – 1 IP, 1 ER on Sunday in a non-save situation. I said to myself, “Well, hmm, prolly nothing, just getting him work.” Yes, when I talk to myself, I don’t form full sentences. Yesterday, Allen entered in the middle of the 8th inning of a game the Indians were losing. That’s not a closer. Sometimes a manager won’t mention to the press that they’ve removed a closer from the role. I don’t think Allen’s the closer anymore. If he is, the Indians have a funny way of showing it. I grabbed Shaw and McAllister, wherever I could. Some sources are saying McAllister is the setup man, others are saying Shaw. I think Shaw’s the first man to see saves because he has that ever-elusive closer experience. Yes, I’m aware that McAllister has been better. If you thought that mattered, then why was Fernando Rodney ever a closer.
Danny Salazar – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Just one out short of a quality start for the quality shart.
Jason Kipnis – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .335. That sighing you hear is coming from Kipnis’s owners from last year.
Prince Fielder – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, leading the AL with .371. That brick through the window is Fielder’s owners from last year.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-4 and his 6th steal. That flaming bag filled with poop on your front doorstep is Andrus’s owners from this year. Kidding, he’s finally getting hot. All aboard until you’re bored of your MI slot!
Shawn Tolleson – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 5th save in, like, 5 games. Seriously, stop!
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. He’s definitely a hot schmotato, but really the entire Rangers team is right now.
Johnny Cueto – Went for a precautionary MRI on his elbow, which Dr. Oz suggests for everyone once a month. I just had my precautionary MRI, did you? The results said Cueto was fine, but I’m patiently waiting like Fifty Cent to hear he’s being shutdown.
Brandon Phillips – Missed yesterday with turf toe. This one time I was boogie-boarding and a crab latched onto my toe and I told everyone I had surf toe. Ah, simpler times.
Michael Lorenzen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Chris Rusin 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. In a game labeled by bookmakers as “Scratch your head, toke on a cigar, then make it a pick ’em.”
Jorge de la Rosa – Expects to return for his next start. I’ll be sure to make note of it in my 2011 desk calendar that I don’t check.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-3 and his 4th homer. Not a huge uptick in value for Hundley being the Rockies everyday catcher– *snooze* Sorry, what happened? I fell asleep? Who was I talking about? I wasn’t talking about a catcher, was I? Hmm, have too much more of this post to do, can’t talk about a catcher right now.
Michael Morse – Hit the DL with a finger sprain. He sprained his finger, giving it to Justin Bour for taking his playing time.
Jose Fernandez – Heading to extended spring training. Barring any setbacks, he’ll be activated around the beginning of July. He should be owned in all leagues for what he could do when he returns. But — ugh, no buts, please! — I wouldn’t expect a ton. He could be 2015 Harvey by July or himself by next April. It’s a lottery ticket.
Jose Urena – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.39. Fun fact! Jose Urena was a huge comedian in Latin America under the name Joe Urethra.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, has now hit in four straight games. For every hundred comments about dropping Yelich, he gets a hit. I’d buy low if the comments are any indication.
Neil Walker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Perhaps I’ve been watching too much of The Great British Bake Off, thanks to a commenter’s suggestion, but if you’re still owning Walker, I’d give him tardy goodbyes as Mel and Sue would say.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .316. Kang puts his right foot in the batter’s box and gets a hit. Kang puts his left foot in the batter’s box and gets a hit. Then he turns himself around, and that’s what the Jung-Hokey Pokey is about!
Jeff Locke – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks. If knowledge is the key, then you shouldn’t go near Locke.
Anthony Rendon – Played three innings of a simulated game and stole a base. *calmly picks up pillow, screams joyously into it, calmly places pillow back down* Okay, so hopefully he continues to progress.
Denard Span – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Now has as many homers as Dickerson, Sandoval, Yoenis, Betts and Longoria, to name a few salts in my wound.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. Is it me or does it seem like every year some schmohawk gets to the All-Star break with 27-30 homers and then hits five homers in the entire 2nd half? This year it feels like Harper’s turn.
Sean Doolittle – Activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department did double duty yesterday, working in ESPN’s “Captain Obvious Fantasy Advice” Department, saying, “Owners of Tyler Clippard might not be getting saves for much longer.”
Jesse Chavez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Tigers, ERA now down to 2.44. Yup, you should own him. Yup, even your league.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 8th steal, hitting .338. Let’s just try to understand this. He has the 4th best average in the AL, hitting on top of one of the best offenses in the major leagues and he’s owned in 30% of ESPN leagues. Have ESPN fantasy baseballers moved onto Fantasy Volleyball already?
Steven Souza – Sat out again with a sprained wrist. He says he can play by Friday. I say please.
Jake McGee – 1/3 IP, 3 ER. Let’s hope Doolittle’s return is a little less auspicious. Or is that inauspicious? I think whoever came up with those words meant it to be confusing. Consider me insuspicious.
Joey Butler – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting near-.350 in the last week and playing every day with Loney sidelined. Butler’s merely a Quad-A player, which sounds great for Murderball, but not for baseball.
Fernando Rodney – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 6.98, but was the escape goat as the Mariners bailed him out. Yes, Carson Smith should be the closer, but Lloyd Christmas McClendon has a special place in his heart for Rodney, and without a brain, he relies mostly on his heart like the Scarecrow.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs, two homers (8, 9), hitting .281. Maybe it wasn’t that smart for you to drop Seager after he struggled for the first few weeks of the season. Your bad!
Austin Jackson – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 6th steal as he returned from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m a bit busy after the long weekend, can’t you figure this out on your own?”
Josh Donaldson – 4-for-4, 5 runs, 4 RBIs and his two homers (11, 12), hitting .315. What’s the opposite of nails on a chalkboard? That’s Donaldson. He’s been Guinness Book of World Records old Asian man with 24-inch nails scratching your hardest to reach itch. A little lower, a little lower, a little–Oh, God, old Asian man, that itch on my bottom has been bothering me for weeks!
Jose Bautista – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs. This was Day One of the 12 Days of Cortisone Christmas.
Josh Thole – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI. I saw Thole in the box score and for a minute, I thought, “Our writer, Tehol, is catching for the Blue Jays?” Stupid dyslexia.
Avisail Garcia – Missed yesterday’s game and will miss today’s because of continued inflammation in his knee. Hopefully, his microbrew first name doesn’t lead to microfracture surgery.
Jose Abreu – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd in three games. Abreu can have sex with Cougs if he hits ten homers in June. If I can watch. What?
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-5, 1 run and his 4th steal, though it was against Dickey, so it means a bit less. I do think Alexei is overdue, so, even though I batty called him last night, I might ask him out on another date.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. Solid game, but I don’t trust Idriselba Despaigne outside of Petco or The Wire or Luther.
Will Venable – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .304 and basically doing what Wil Myers was doing. Venable is the best scab! Is that a Sheryl Crow song?
Matt Shoemaker – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Padres. Okay, but the Padres are struggling and The Cobbler looked like the dog’s breakfast the start before, so I still don’t trust him.
David Ortiz – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was dropped to the five hole, which is porn for the left ear lobe. This is the lowest Ortiz has hit since 2012. With him being a Latin 39, I don’t see any reason why this isn’t the beginning of the end.
Clay Buchholz – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks and the loss vs. the Twins. Was I being Punk’d by the Red Sox not scoring off of Mike Pelfrey?
Trevor Plouffe – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. There’s no one hotter in the major leagues right now than Prince Fielder, but Plouffe is pretty close. Just because Plouffe is French for the sound poop makes when it hits toilet water, don’t let that stop you!
Jaime Garcia – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. He’s strictly a Stream-o-Nator call from start to start, and it loves his next start.
Matt Adams – Headed to the DL with a quad injury. Xavier Scruggs could be called up to replace him at first. Scruggs sounds like the country music artist your high school friend, who went away to school in Tennessee, tries to get you to listen to. Scruggs has power and not a whole lot else. Mini Donkey could also see a boost in playing time. Either way, the loss of Adams leaves a giant gaping hole on the Cards.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (1), hitting .292. He feels like the Colabello-type hot schmotato for the NL. For s’s and g’s, I grabbed Grichuk in one league.
Archie Bradley – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER. So, I’m just going to leave my Rob Roy here while I go to the little boy’s room, could you watch it for me? *five hours later* How did I get into this seedy hotel room? Are you weighing my gall bladder? AH!!!! ROOFIE!!!
Nick Ahmed – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week and it’s a good time to be alive. *takes a deep breath* Do you smell all of those hot schmotatoes?
Adam Warren – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Yesterday, it was Eovaldi and today Warren was commissioned to shut down the Royals. Looks like the Royals are briefly going sideways — I don’t want any f***ing Merlot! — and don’t think this is a direct indication of Warren. He’s usually as reliable as There’s Something About Mary’s Warren being touched on the ears.
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. Not only is he my worst drop of the year so far, but he’s in my head for other drops. I stared at Lind for two weeks, afraid to drop him, because of a possible Te(i)x explosion. You’ve turned me out, Te(i)x!
Jimmy Paredes – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 2nd steal. The Orioles managed five hits yesterday, three were by Paredes. So they all sank, while Paredes floats.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.59. Do it two more times and I’ll pay attention.
Preston Tucker – 0-for-3 as he hit third. On one hand, this shows the Astros have faith in him. On a second hand, they don’t have that many options to hit third. On a third hand that is actually Thing from The Addam’s Family, Tucker didn’t do much with the chance. I’m cyclops’ing Tucker though because he has some upside.
Casey McGehee – Was designated for assignment the other day and accepted it yesterday. There’s one thing sadder than a vet being designated for assignment, a vet accepting it. I want to give Casey a hug. Sure, maybe because that’s usually a hot chick name.
Matt Duffy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .300. He’s not very good, but he will be replacing McGehee. Big shoes to fill, because McGehee had a clown shoe collection he bought in Japan.
Nori Aoki – 3-for-5, and now 7 for his 9 as he makes me look like a total idiot for starting Maybin ahead of him in a weekly league. Maybin has now found a way to screw me for five straight years. That’s so Maybin!
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Has four homers in the last ten games, and not a whole lot else, but well worth owning Belt for that, and tidiness.
Jonathan Lucroy – Starting a rehab assignment with an eye on returning next Monday. Better keep that other eye on the ball!
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. In related news, JB put the finishing touches on his Mr. Potato Aramis Ramirez with a spud-kini.
Chase Utley – 2-for-4. Hot schmotato alert!
Jacob deGrom – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.71. Siri, make a note: get only NL East pitchers next year. “Please, hold, Grey, calling El Al for yeast pitchers.” No, Siri, stop!
Michael Cuddyer – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Hate to be the bee in your bonnet, but the hotter Cuddyer gets, the more chance he gets injured. He plays, “Warmer…Warmer…Injured.”
Jeurys Familia – 2 IP, 0 ER and the win as Joe Torre guest managed the Mets.
Matt Harvey – Threw a successful bullpen session, and struck out the side of imaginary hitters.
